Thoughts on Love

Love. It’s amazing yet can be a train wreck. It’s fleeting yet everlasting. Cruel but kind. Meaningful in one moment but absentminded in the next. It’s something that almost everyone seeks in some way shape or form. Love for thyself. Love for another. Familial and friendship love. Love in a sport, a hobby, a job, a pastime, a memory, a moment anything. We’re all seeking this feeling as we seek happiness. So I have a question, why does love have to hurt so much? Is what hurts us the love for someone else or is it the attachment we have to them that hurts once it’s broken? I can’t say that I’ve had that “reach for the stars over the fence world series kind of thing” type love. I’ve had some crazy movie moments in my life and stories for days that I could tell in terms of love, lust and people I cared about (two in particular come to mind). I’ve loved two people throughout my life but the latter seems to be breaking me down a bit more than I ever imagined.

We were best friends. Spent 3 or 4 nights a week hanging or going out with friends and each other for almost 3 years. We were close friends for at least 4 years and I’d say acquaintances for the first. We’d known each other since childhood but there is an age difference that set the scene until recently. We’d stay up until dawn talking to each other – about anything, everything, things we wanted from life things we didn’t, things we never expected to happen, things between us, what everyone else thought was between us the list continues. We were closer to each other after 3 years than most married couples get to each other after 30. We knew each other and we both had our secrets but they usually had a way of coming out whether we meant them to or not. Me being the more guarded one I always seemed to talk less. I’ll tell you if you ask but if you don’t I might not say a word. So many a night was spent with me listening. I never asked for any information that came my way, but it was always given. Eventually you share yourselves. You build this connection, this attachment, this comfort zone. You don’t really know how much it means to you until it isn’t there or how much the other person’s actions can so affect you and drive you insane.

I was at a crossroads in my life. I knew I could stay at my dead end job and watch my world as I know it continue to be everything I didn’t want, but I wouldn’t let myself. I took some action. When I say I didn’t have anything in life that I wanted I mean it. Job that made me drink my sorrows away, turn to things I wish I hadn’t, become more and more of a person I never thought I would be, barely get by financially because of debt from college, living with my parents, I can probably think of more but that’s enough. I had this one friend that despite my lost feelings (and what I now tend to call the Lost Years) I thought cared about me. Turns out as much as we both were immensely attached to each other and had told each other I love you on countless occasions we couldn’t give each other what either of us wanted.

After a lot of time and effort, I decided to move out of state and completely change my life. I had an opportunity that presented itself and I took it. After telling a few people I was leaving this person asked me to stay – more than once. The first time we were sitting on the bathroom floor leg over leg arm over arm – next to each other, sharing a drink and a cigarette around dawn after a night out. We look at each other and I get asked to stay. Shocked by the statement I said listen I can’t be here anymore. And continued to say why. The second time came, I said simply you know why I can’t stay here. Third time came. Fourth time came. And on the last time it turned from will you stay to I’m coming with you. I didn’t take the last one seriously.

I left last June. It’s now days from January 2014. It’s been almost 8 months and I’m still not over what I left. The time and effort you put into relationships of any kind is overwhelming to say the least. There’s times that I try to convince myself that back then we both cared more than we were letting on and we both admitted it, but weren’t ready. Again neither of us could be what the other wanted yet we kept proving otherwise in other ways. Once I left, everything changed and yet nothing changed. I spent about 4 months away before I came back. The weekend I did I was accused of lying about the two of us to random people. Yet even now I hear from people that they knew I was leaving but not because I told them but because they did. The rumour issue turned into a raging argument to which I flat out said I’m done with this friendship because we never speak anymore and the only thing I’ve ever done was care too much and you know it.  I thought you knew me better than that. Of course that was over the phone and neither of us meant for it to happen. Yet when we ran into each other in person it was like nothing ever changed. To say the least the argument was dropped by both of us and hasn’t been spoken of since, yet that night in person was haunting – ironically it was Halloween.

After a while I stopped trying to convince myself that the caring was mutual. I couldn’t handle that I cared more or seemed to care more than they did despite my life story being spread about the town before I left. People were spreading rumours long before either of us started talking to anyone. The entire city thought we were together but we weren’t. This whole thing has been a roller coaster. I’m now at a point where I feel like I know I still care but not like I used to and they don’t care about me at all and never did. For someone that asked me to stay and for someone that told me more than once that there’s no one else out there like me  – they’ve looked – you’d think an effort of some sort would be made. I don’t know maybe I’m just delusional.

But this brings me back to my original point, after all that, the good and the bad. The times I remember aren’t the stupid times we spent out or dealing with others. They’re the times that were between just the two of us. The times no one else was there to see. The connection, the attachment that was built that was apparent to a stranger yet ignored by the two of us depending on the night. Too close yet still not good enough. I’d be lying if I said my heart didn’t break a bit with this one. I’m now afraid to even be in each other’s presence. When does that love and attachment turn on you? There’s a saying that time heals all wounds yet as fucked up and ridiculous as the relationship between the two of us was, it turned when I changed the game. I take responsibility for initiating change but should love consist of being responsible for the other? Heart strings once broken aren’t so easily mended. It isn’t even pain at this point as much as it’s emptiness. I wouldn’t take back the last 5 years of my life with this person and what became of the two of us towards the end (before I left), but how do you deal when they’re still not entirely out of your life, yet now they’re just somebody that you used to know? No longer best friends, no longer really a friend at all. Yet if you ran into each other the game is still on, that attachment still there. Do you tempt fate or in this case taunt yourself with the possibility of another fun memory or does it end in despair?

Love like happiness is tricky. Holding onto it is hard and it’s definitely work. But for a love that came to be so easily and an attachment that was so severe how can one so easily sever the strings of friendship and seem to walk away unscathed and the other brokenhearted with the pieces of their life to be put back together. Love and loss is a part of life, and life is hard. For something that is so hard to explain, so personal, so hard to attain, what is hard to attain isn’t easily lost and there are certainly different ways to cope. Yet when is it okay to make the other person feel like they never meant anything to you? When does the attachment truly cease? Do you have to fall out of love, or fall for someone else? It’s been said that life has a funny way of bringing you the people that you need. I’d have to believe that to an extent, yet it pulls them from you and pushes them back in at will. When – if ever – do you want to stop loving for your own self preservation? Do you ride the rollercoaster? Do you take the risk? There was a night that I said, “in the beginning I never expected to care this much.” To which the response was, “in the beginning I never expected you to stay.” I said, “to tell you the truth neither did I but here we are four years later.” I think the problem with love is that you do in fact fall into it. The problem is falling out doesn’t leave you unscathed either. But when do the wounds from the ride heal? And which is worse, the love itself or the attachment between you?  Which hurts more once broken, the love and caring or the attachment and need for a comfort zone? And how do you fix it?

Epic Adventuring

Has anyone else ever noticed that with any great adventure story they generally last about a year? I mean Harry Potter being an obvious – no to this…think about it. The overall adventure is 7 years, but each adventure within itself lasts for a year’s time. The Lord of the Rings also lasts about a years time. It happens over the course of many many ages and yet the culmination of it all is over in a year. The same with the Odyssey. The overall story takes place over 10 years, but the culmination of the events within the story could have easily happened within a year’s time. As this year is coming upon it’s end I thought I would take some time to reflect on the timing of a year and how it relates to life.

So much can happen in a year and yet nothing at the same time. As each year passes you can honestly say that things aren’t as they were at this time last year. You could’ve made life changing decisions or been content to stay where you are, but either way things around you have changed. The problem becomes like these epic adventure stories – things change at the drop of the hat at any given moment. Clearly things are sped up for entertainment and attention span purposes but honestly – think back on the last year of your life. You may have the same job, you probably have a slightly different salary. You may hang out with similar people but are those people dating others, having children or getting married? You may have gone back to school, you may have finished school. You may have moved back in with your parents because you ran out of money or moved because you decided you needed to make some changes in your life. You may have done nothing to change your situation, yet nothing stopped everything else from changing around you. And no matter what there is no going back. You can’t go back to how things were before even if you never changed things on your own. Another story now comes to mind – Rent. 525,600 minutes – how do you measure a year? That’s the point isn’t it?

Everything you do is in an effort to get something you want, to be happy or pursue happiness. Life has so much to offer and yet most people are content without ever leaving their own backyards. Age is a huge factor in how you measure a year. I was out with my dad today and I realized something that I never really thought about before. My dad lives in a very small little world that he is content with and will never think of leaving. Trying new things at his point in life isn’t what he wants to do and the same can be said for my mom. That’s the huge difference between them and myself. I want to see the world, the world is my backyard. I want to learn what I can and experience everything in my power to experience. It also brings thoughts to mind in terms of when they grew up and when I did. They lived a life that once they were a certain age it was an expectation to have a marriage and a family. The same can be said for my grandparents. People were getting married right out of high school and that was normal. Now people right out of high school are barely prepared to wipe their own asses let alone take care of themselves and actually know what it means. I blame society for that, but that’s again another story.

At this point in my life I have two Bachelor degrees. I worked a job I couldn’t stand for a few years and watched my life become nothing I ever wanted it to be. I made some changes in the last year and at the turn of the tide and a week before the new year’s dawning I stand no where closer to my own “epic adventure” or achieving my own happiness. This is obviously different for everyone. I’ve seen more than six different countries and experienced more than half of the states, yet I don’t know what I want or how to get it. I know that I’m in a ton of debt and that anchors me to the shore of reality. I made my choices and I have to live with them, again another story. Is it one year the makes an epic adventure or is it the culmination of events that can represent a years time that you have to look forward to? Obviously not everything in life is good. And if you’re a believer of the saying everything happens for a reason then good luck to you. I can believe that saying to an extent but after a certain point – what’s the point. If you want a marriage and a family, finding it isn’t that simple. If you want a job with a salary that actually pays you for what you’re worth, not that easy. Nothing in life is a cake walk but where does the difference between hard and unbearable begin? I’ve made some major changes in my life in the last year. I don’t want to go back to where I was and I can’t. And yet at the same time I’m no closer to having a life I desire than I was before. I’m someone that has always done what they wanted in life or has found a way. I don’t mean to sound cocky but I am not most people. I have my faults and I don’t believe that I’m someone that’s all that special but I am not most people. And from my experience life is harder because of it.

You read these stories and consider the imaginations of these writers and know that they are amazing. It isn’t the quality or the way in which things are written that allow for greatness. The stories and characters are what make you go back for more. The fact that these other worlds exist because of the creation in someone’s head transferred to paper is epic within itself. The appreciation for art and the written word is not what it used to be. Harry Potter may be an epic story but it is not Shakespeare, it is not Tolkein. That doesn’t make it any less worthy but it can’t compete in the same way. The story, the quest, the adventure is the point in all of these stories. But the question in the beginning still remains, how do you make your own life epic? Is it by doing anything you’ve ever wanted to do? Is it by sharing it with someone else? Is it by exploring the world? By learning everything you’ve ever wanted to know? It is not the ending that’s the point – the adventure is the point. What makes it all worth it and how do you find it? Does the world allow for such epic adventures to even take place? The world used to be a much smaller place. Explorers expanded and yet the world was still a much smaller place. People leave and change their lives at the drop of a hat in an attempt to find what they seek, but what happens when you still can’t find it? Do you stick it out where you are or do you change it again? If you’re always on the move is that what you really want – the freedom? Or is there something else? When do you stop and smell the roses and when do you keep powering on to greener pastures? How do you know and when do you just let things happen instead of continuously looking and trying?

Perspective

The world is a funny place. People everywhere are struggling for an attempt to achieve their hopes and dreams. However, the monotony of everyday life is astoundingly complex and so very simple at the same time. Everyone goes about their everyday duties hoping to someday have more of –“something.” Whether that something is love, friends, money, fun, adventures or anything else, the possibilities are limitless. The one thing I know, is that we are always in a constant struggle with change whether we realize it or not.

We spend our lives trying to achieve things like success and raising families. We struggle with day-to-day activities as well as things to come. Change is upon us whether we believe it or not. With change comes many opportunities, good and bad. Change can be small or large; it can have many affects on our lives or little to do with anything. You can change the mood you’re in by doing something you like. You can change your life by moving to another city. However with change comes regret, mistakes, education, emotion and possibilities. I believe regret is something that no one should dwell on. Things happen in our lives that are now in the recent or distant past that have made us who we currently are. Hindsight may be 20/20, but the future is still unknown. I know I said everything changes, but it is what it is – I believe you can’t regret what you can’t go back and change. You can only move forward and learn from the mistakes or the consequences of your actions or inaction. You should never intentionally forget events in your life because many events good and bad make you who you are. Some events you may damn well want to forget, but moving on and “getting over” an event is different than blocking it out entirely. It has been said that “a mind is a terrible thing to waste,” but it is also a terrible thing to use against yourself. We’re all guilty of thinking too much and over analyzing things to try and make sense of them. There’s only one problem with that… things don’t always have to make sense.

People are who they are because of how they process events and changes in their lives.  People are who they are because of their experiences. Without different experiences we would not be individuals at all. Everyone, everywhere is completely unique in their own way. No one can 100% understand why someone is who they are, especially when we have a hard enough time trying to find ourselves. You can however, relate to someone based on a previous experience that you’ve dealt with yourself – but proceed with caution for experience and perspective are very unique entities.

With that said, I am reminded of my main point, you can learn a lot from others. Seeing things from different perspectives can change everything. Experiences and perspectives shape people into their individual selves and everyone has something to teach because of it. People need people. There is nothing more simple than the fact that people need people. The complexity lies in the fact that life is a selfish thing. We are “individuals” after all. We are all striving for personal happiness and fulfillment. Some may have more help than others, some may have less. Equality, like life, is a very tricky thing. Everyone has their own opinions, thoughts and experiences. Thus they also have their own perspective. Perspective like anything else grows and changes as a person grows and changes. What you wanted 5 years ago isn’t necessarily what you want now. And what you want in the next 5 years probably won’t be the same either. Your perspective of yourself as well as the world around you will evolve as you have.

Yeah I know, you’re probably thinking – “really? I never knew that” – add in the sarcastic tone and no shit Sherlock witticism. I bet you’re thinking who is this person and who do they think they are?… Well I don’t blame you if you’re skeptical, but I’m not trying to change your beliefs about anything. I am trying to merely open your mind to the endless possibilities floating around in life. I’m no scientist, inventor, great academician, or anything else along those lines. I’m just me; an average everyday person seeking what life really has to offer. I myself am on a journey. I seek my own path. For what lies ahead I know not. I am only attempting to share my knowledge of my journey thus far and trying to figure out how I myself got to this point. I don’t pretend to know anything I don’t actually know. And I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. This is a chance to offer my perspective based upon my memories and experiences. It’s up to you to believe or even keep reading. None of this is distinct fact; it is simply the rambling of an everyday person trying to find their way.

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Change is upon us

Let me just point out the obvious – the world is a place of change. Everyday things change, some for the better and some for the, well I’ll say not so much better. Who’s to say what’s better and what’s worse? I will say one thing – life in today’s society isn’t necessarily better than it was say in the 50’s, but it sure as hell has changed.

You know that moment when a friend comes to your house and they’re in the driveway. That text you get that says “I’m here” as opposed to getting out of the car and walking to the door to ring the bell. When trying to look for a job you check every online posting website you can think of and send email after email or application after application only to hear nothing back at all and think maybe it’s somewhere in cyberspace. The blatant disconnect in the changing society is upon us.

I had an argument with my friend the other day about society progressing and changing. She believes that cities and only cities are the way of the future. That everyone will give up their cars and be more efficient with their ways of life. That cities are more productive and use the space they have better than the suburbs. She believes that there will be four buildings that are shared by businesses as office space and for meetings the space will be used and otherwise we will be completely virtual business. With that being said… I have to point out the semi obvious, she’s an idealist. She likes change and doesn’t understand why people won’t change for the better. That change is among us, why do we resist? I had to remind her that there is no way in hell that you’ll get most people people to give up their cars to ride the bus or the subway. That’s just issue number one… The argument we had was a way of point out our cultural differences but it is what it is. Despite the multiple things that I didn’t believe to be good things it just made me realize that everyday life is becoming more of a rat race and you have to keep up with the pointless changes. Whether it’s a text when you show up at your friend’s place or an email for a job application that you made from Craig’s List.

As a society at some point we need to take a step back and see what we want from life and the world around us. Do we want the anti social rat race that society is becoming? Everyday things change. Businesses outsource and hire more people. They grow and adapt. It may be more cost effective to hire 6 people from India for the price of 2 people from America, but eventually you have to step back and say at what cost does this job have on society? The more jobs that go overseas because they are more cost effective are more jobs that are being taken from the American public. At this rate, you’re taking the spending ability of the American public away from each and every job you take from people. Because let’s face it, when companies lay people off, it’s not usually one at a time. When we have companies that do business in and around this country, but employ all their workers are abroad, what is your money worth? If the people that your product is made for can’t afford it, then what’s the point?

The world as a whole seems to be trying to make things more convenient and more cost effective for their personal selves, but in reality we’re becoming less social and more demanding than ever. When is enough?  When does life become too business and work focused? Why can’t we stop and smell the roses? Why can’t we go back to being more self sufficient as a single country and less dependent and demanding? Or why don’t we work hand in hand with other countries to find a greater good for everyone instead of a sacrifice to someone “at home.” We have more material possessions, but who cares? What’s the point of having an iPod, a laptop, a desktop, a cell phone, an iPad, bluetooth in the car, a world of connectedness if it leads to more antisocial tendencies and a bullshit reason to make life more of a popularity contest than it already is.

The US was once the sleeping giant of the world, that when unleashed had the potential to do anything. We’re still a super power but our efforts as a whole in our society clearly aren’t the same. When do we wake up and realize material possessions aren’t making life better. That the rat race and progress for progression’s sake isn’t always a good idea. We need to reevaluate what we have, fix our own problems and see where things go. Only then can we really say that a change is a change worth making.

Think about it

Life has so much more to offer than what we give it credit for.
Love the people around you.
Relish every moment.
Go off on an adventure.
No regrets.
No forgotten mistakes.
No looking back.
Dance in the rain.
Be silly stupid.
Pursue passion.
Love without question.
Question authority.
Question yourself.
Don’t judge others.
Don’t judge yourself.
Don’t let fear rule your heart.
Lose your balance.
Make a life worthy of remembrance.
Life is a shooting star amongst galaxies don’t waste it.

A slight introduction

So lately my life has been a bit of a whirlwind of change. I’ve been back and fourth about what I want to do with myself and in what direction I’m going in. Therefore, I’ve decided to write out my thoughts, feelings, creativeness, what-have-you in this form. We all have our moments of rant and rave sessions as well as good knowledge and insight, but I’d just like to offer some of my perspective in terms of things. I’ve been told by a good handful of people that I write things in ways that they wouldn’t have thought of or that I always seem to know more than I write. Well at this point I’m gonna write it all. I think I’m going to connect this to my facebook so feel free to ask questions or refute any of my perspectives because regardless of agreeance or disagreeance I like and value a good conversation.

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