Soul searching

Life seems to break you down a lot. The world we live in isn’t the most pleasant or conducive for opportunities. I keep getting kicked but most of the time I feel like I’m not even standing again. I can say that I keep picking myself back up but whenever I attempt to stand something kicks me again.

I started 2013 looking for a way out of my bad situation. I found one. I was accepted into graduate school and I was excited for what was ahead in life for me. I moved to Massachusetts found a job in the summer and continued working part time through the school year. I started school and at the beginning it was everything I wanted, needed and hoped it would be. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. Finally on the track I could most improve my life, situation and career wishes. As school progressed I struggled daily. It wasn’t because I was homesick or wanted my old life back. It was class. I was beating myself down because I was never doing as well as I hoped. I was spending hours teaching myself material that the teachers weren’t teaching me in class. I was spending hours doing the homework and putting in my time and effort. I was determined to get through this semester even though -why the fuck am I here – was a daily thought. Any time I tried to see the light or did see the light it seemed that five minutes later I was getting proverbially kicked in the ass again.

After a lot of hours spending time thinking should I stay here, should I go, why am I really doing this and what exactly am I getting out of it – I decided to leave school. I’ve had a few interviews and a bunch of phone calls from staffing agencies. I left Massachusetts for the holiday season and ended up pretty much stuck in back in Central NY. It’s been a pretty winding road the last few weeks. Forced to be back in the position of my life as it was 8 months prior. The people going on with their lives as they see fit and a place I felt so familiar with was now another place in time. I kept thinking back to the place I left when I left. I am still trying to assure myself that while things may have changed they couldn’t be completely backwards from what they were less than a year ago.

This lead me to doing some random internet surfing. I was at yet another crossroads. My life was again closing in around me and I felt helpless to stop it. I was looking for jobs and getting interviews but am currently stuck in NY. I’ve had to turn down interviews so that I can deal with my family emergency and eventually hope to move forward. I’ve been spiraling with all of the things that seem to be imploding but I took a chance to take things into my own hands as much as I could. I looked for jobs locally and back in MA for a few days. I continued the struggle but am trying to be much more hands on about it. I’ve tried to see the opportunity. Tried to see the good. Tried to make myself feel less helpless. And I found what I had lost. Everything around me then was never what I wanted for myself, but everything I did to get rid of it eventually turned into the same thing.

I keep saying to myself and to another person or two that I’ve done everything that I’ve ever wanted to do in my life so far. That I left here because I felt like I was drowning with no way out. Well I’m back at that point but now I have no desire to go back to MA. It’s true I miss what I had here. I’m not trying to make it the same thing but I was trying to force myself to be an adult because that’s what people keep telling me to do. I wasn’t a kid when I was a kid. I’ve always been responsible and independent and I’ve been a cynic for as far back as I can remember. I’ve always had this semi-jaded edge to myself. It wasn’t until I was a little older that I really let go.

I traveled. I soul searched. I read and learned all types of new things. I made friends I know I will have for years. I know that I know myself a little more and a little less each day. I know that if I feel trapped I will want to run screaming. I learned a lot about myself. But that’s the thing. The saying goes “people never change,” but that’s not true. People always change. People are constantly changing. We grow we learn, we adapt, we flourish, we flounder, we live, we survive, we go on – even if it is just barely. Life is hard. Your parents  never truly understand you and what you’re going through because they haven’t grown up in the world you did. They understand the life moments but contextually it is 100% different. Your parents think they know you but I’m a firm believer in saying that people only know you as much as you’re willing to let them and as much as you know yourself.

That’s the one thing I can honestly say that 2014 has given me. It has taught me a daily lesson about myself every step of the way. Last week was hell. This weekend was fun. I went out with a friend tonight and I was reminded why I had so much love for my best friend. Despite all the things we put each other through we always let ourselves have fun. We always did what we wanted in the moment. Yes you may say that’s irresponsible but it is what it is. Now that we sort of lost each other both of us are wandering. My life is caving in around me and I’m actually 10x more aware of what it is that I left behind. I realized that despite all my efforts to grow up and enter into the next part of my life – I don’t want to. I’m not ready yet. I’m not looking to get married and settle down. I’m not trying to stay in and watch television and go to bed at 10pm. I don’t want to be – for lack of a better word – boring. I want to have fun and get excited. Even if it’s for five seconds just because I’m seeing someone I want to spend time with. I want to live. I’m not ready for marriage, children and a life of being tied down. I was barely a kid when I was a kid, but I refuse to be an adult in those terms now.

I want a job and I want security. I’m not against working hard or making an effort. I’d like my own place and my own stuff. I’d like to be able to pay all my bills and do what I want. But what I thought I wanted 8 months ago isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. People keep asking me what I want. I have to keep telling them I don’t know. I know what I don’t want, but even that is subjective. They say that happiness is a state of mind not a destination. I can understand that but if you’re always in a constant struggle with change but are still open to growing as a person, when do you know if you’ve gotten there? When is being content good enough? Do you every truly know yourself and what you want? Can you? Or is it really true that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone? Or in my case -still there but not what it used to be.


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