Sometimes I Just Don’t Get It

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I’ve been writing a lot about the annoying realities of life as I know it the last few months. It’s been a rough time for me personally and I know I’m not alone in thinking or feeling that. But after a certain point do I just stop fighting and submit to the annoyance? Or do I keep fighting because I believe that’s the right thing to do?

One of my biggest issues in what’s been going on is people talking down to me like I know nothing of anything. I’m a firm believe of the saying “the more you know the more you know you don’t know shit”, but they’re taking this too literally. I’m sick of people talking down to me like I’m some stupid child. I’m sick of being judged after knowing someone for a tenth of a second. I get that I’m not “old and wise” but that doesn’t mean I haven’t experienced life. Everyone has their own unique experiences. Everyone has their own identity, outlook, standard, morals, beliefs, indifference, thoughts, words, mannerisms. We all have our own process. Who are you to judge someone else on theirs? If something makes you uncomfortable, take step back, walk away and carry on with life. If it doesn’t change your life personally, then don’t hold it against someone else for being different. Don’t hold it against someone for having other experiences or not being able to change as quickly as you think they should.

We all have our own issues. We all have our own grievances. Life is a personal problem. Life is selfish until you have someone to either take care of or share it with. Don’t discount the kid that hasn’t lived up to their potential yet because they aren’t old enough or they didn’t do what you or society told them to do. Don’t discount the adult who has been around once or twice because they’re in a different walk of life. We all heal and change in our own time. We all get over things in our own way. We all make mistakes. We all pay for them differently.

Not to sound like a weirdo but we need more love in this world. We are all too eager to hate. Too eager to make people pay for a debt they needed to choose to attempt success. Too eager to judge. Too eager to take. Why you and not me? Life isn’t fair and it sure as hell isn’t equal. The system is flawed and it’s going to get worse before it gets better. But why not use the resources we have to better things for the greater good? That’s also easier said than done because of the inherent costs to people in general but every man for himself doesn’t win us anything.

The world is full of technology. It allows us to collide so much easier. It opens the door to so many possibilities. It allows people to pursue passions. It allows them the ability to learn and read and expand their horizons. Why have we become a society of need everything complainers that hate the result but wanted it done yesterday? We’re all guilty of it in some way. We all think we’re owed something, whether it be a chance or anything else. We all want help, yet we’re all denying our own possibilities of helping someone else. Where can you go for advice and not feel judged? Where can you trust everyone around you not to lie or cheat or judge you in someway? Have we always been this bad or was it a progression? We can Google anything we want. We can find the answer at a click of a button. Other parts of the world may not be as lucky but they aren’t as jaded. They have their own set of issues that maybe we outlived a long time ago but that doesn’t mean they can’t teach us anything. That doesn’t mean we can’t share what we know to help them.

Why does it have to be a dog eat dog society of every man for himself when it should be a society with the hopes and best interests of a better future. There is no distinct present. There is the distant past, recent past, near future and distant future. We created time so why are we holding it against ourselves? We created money, we created society, we created a sense of community, we created the world we live in. Why are we seemingly trying to destroy it? Why can’t we help each other, why can’t we help ourselves? I’m not searching for utopia because our differences make that an impossibility but that’s what makes us human. We all have voices. We certainly have opinions. We aren’t as educated as we think. We aren’t as educated as we could be. But why are we talking to each other like the other is inferior? Why are we holding someone else’s decision against them? Why are we pissed because the guy in front of us ordered a turkey with American cheese but we wanted him to get a ham and Swiss? What is our real problem? We can’t fix it until we know what it is and we won’t fix it until we choose correctly. Where can we go from here? I guess time will tell.

Another chance or different circumstance

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To look at the world through innocent eyes
Not knowing what lies ahead

Nor pushing away what lay behind
To be in the moment without dread

Not bogged down with responsibilities
And people that don’t care to understand

To live as though you are aware of a bit less
And still happy with what you have

Life’s sweet simplicities come alive
No demons or anger to rage inside

To not know the absence of happiness
Nor the absence of love

To be ignorant of fate or destiny
To simply rise above

But we can’t go back to yesterday
To see the world like that

We cannot stop the hands of time
Nor cease to hate the act

What now the future lies ahead
The past not far behind

Do you look at it with apprehension
Or try to push the past aside despite your qualms

Could you live amongst the innocent
For a new day always dawns

What happened to US?

We all have our moments of annoyance and self improvement. We all want to have fun and enjoy what life has to offer. Any day, every day is a new beginning if we so choose to make it one. Changing is hard and putting off today what we can do tomorrow is easy. Life is hard. But it doesn’t have to be. The country is an ass backwards place. They want you to depend on them. They don’t want you to educate yourself in a true form because if you do then you’re going to realize how ridiculous what they do actually is. They don’t know how to problem solve. They don’t understand that fixing the problem or addressing the problem is the solution. They deal with it in the aftermath and then blame you for something else. None of it is every their fault because blame is always easier to pass along the line. But honestly. I’m not a victim and I don’t want a pity party.

I want to be me. I want my life and my choices to be made by me and me alone. I don’t want to be subjected to the ways of the state but that’s not always in my control. After a certain point it’s all stupid and ridiculous but you have to live your life under their rules and surveillance. I don’t plan on being a part of their know nothing citizenry. But being part of the know something makes me a bit bitter in terms of how the system dysfunctions.

Is it so hard for people to just let others be free? When did we become so close minded? For a country that was built on revolution and has only known war ever since where are all my fellow revolutionaries? We all have a voice. We can make a difference. Standing together to make a change is what we have to do.

I’m not looking to overthrow or thwart anyone but come on. When did we all become stooges behind desks hoping for a better tomorrow that never comes? Why don’t we live with less material shit but more values in terms of relationships and the people around us?

I grew up with my dad having friends from grade school in and out of our house all the time. The people he knew and the loyalty they had to each other was astounding. I’ve wanted that my entire life. I’ve envied it. I wanted a chance at the childhood he had. At the early adulthood he had. The freedom. The chances. The opportunities and everything else. I’ve said I’ve been born in the wrong era since I can remember but the truth is I can’t change anything about when I was born. But that doesn’t mean I have to sit back and take what is thrown at me without doing anything about it.

America was once known as the sleeping giant. We banned together to change the fate of the world. We united and made things happen. We were the ones that were envied. Not that we were without our own problems but in the midst of things that was a better world despite the hardships. Where are the relationships that we once had? The faith that we had to succeed? The faith that we had in each other to be loyal when someone was in need? Faith is something you have blindly no matter what. If it weren’t why would they call it a leap of faith?

I find ways that this world is screwing itself day after day. I find more things that make me want to throw myself off a bridge and forget any part of this world existed, but I wake up everyday in hopes of a better tomorrow. What else can we do? We need to change this place. We need to unite. Whether I’m being too much of a romantic or not come on. There are people that agree with me in this world. There are people that want to make a difference. Conspiracies and bullshit happen everyday. The system is not there for your protection it is there for the ones in the system. They don’t want you to think for yourself. They don’t want you to try to be bigger than them, to be better than they are. They will find ways that you can’t get around their bullshit. It is what it is. But we, the future of this country, the future of this world, need to find a better way. We can do better. We should do better. The U.S. has the had the highest rate of deaths by suicide over cancer this past year in ages 15-49. That’s appalling. Yet no one seems to give a shit or want to change anything. No one addresses the real problem. The article states there are three reasons that have been figured out to contribute to suicide. Feeling alone, the feeling of having no place in society, and not being afraid of death. Um if you know these causes what are you doing to correct them? Oh yeah, nothing.

We need to stop sitting back and doing nothing because nothing is going to happen. We need to make a change and we need to do it now. Behind are the days that people spent time with each other. Behind us are the days that people were actually loyal and real with each other. Behind are the days that making a mistake didn’t cost you everything. That getting an education cost you a 10-15 year sentence of debt.

This is not the place I want to be a part of. These are not the people that I want to give my loyalty to. This is not the life I would ever want for my children. So how do we change it? We were promised change a long time ago. We got change but not for the better. I’ve never been into politics and I’ve never thought of myself as an activist but I’ll be damned if I sit back and watch these people and this country become a shithole of what it used to stand for. It’s already happening but we can’t sit back and let it get worse. I am not an optimist but there has to be better out there. We have to be able to provide better. If not for ourselves then for the future. For our potential children. For our families. For the people in our lives that we know we can count on. We need to educate ourselves and anyone who is willing to listen. We need to tell them that what is upon us isn’t good enough. That we can do better. Call me a revolutionary. Call me an activist. Call me a disgruntled citizen. But I refuse to lead my life being dependent on anyone, let alone the state of dysfunction. We weren’t given life to be beaten into submission by those who deem themselves worthy. Make a difference. Find your passion. Make your life, make it count. Be someone you can be proud of. Have fun. Do everything you want to do. Don’t hold back. Stop letting people tell you what you can and can’t do. Prove you’re capable of more if not to at least prove it to yourself. Don’t let them dictate society any longer. Don’t muffle yourself. Take a stand. Unite. Be the future of this country and find a way to be heard.

Too many questions need answering… Let’s just stop for a moment

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Maybe I’m more delusional than I thought or maybe I’m just a sucker for an epic adventure story but the more I sit around in my hometown the more I want to be out in the world. For about five seconds I’m content here. I like going out and having fun. I like hanging out and relaxing with my friends. I’m on better than good terms with my parents. Never really had too many familial problems. We all have mommy issues but it is what it is. But at any given moment I always feel like I’m bigger than this place. Like I’m destined for more. And take it from me, I’m anything but a believer if you catch my drift.

I’ve been told I’m one of the most open minded people because I don’t care what you believe regardless of topic, subject, religion, relationship, whatever. If you want it to be or you believe in it fine by me as long as you don’t force your system or thoughts on me. I left this area wanting to run screaming. I’ve gone through my obstacles along the way, some miniscule and some more meaningful in the midst of it all. I’ve had my friends prove their friendship to me more than I could’ve hoped. I’ve had more faith in calling this area home recently than I have in a very long time. Yet I’m still not entirely okay with being here. The notion of home is broken. It has been since the first time I left for college over 5 years ago.

I’ve grown and changed as a person in many ways shapes and forms. I’ve lost sight of my original self and I can’t say that’s a terrible thing. I’ve lost sight of the person I was a few years ago. I’ve lost sight of the person I became when I was at my lowest. I’ve found lower and deeper depths than I ever deemed possible. I held on to the past for so long yet I seemed to let it all go at once along with a piece of myself. I have no sense of home and I don’t know what to do about it. I have no love interest or relationship. I don’t know what I want as a career. And I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I know what I went through while I was in school yet part of me is really thinking about going back there. Do I thrive on the pain? Am I feeling so lost because I’m lacking the constant aching wound? I still haven’t entirely fixed the one from my best friend yet it sure as hell isn’t what it used to be. I don’t know where I’m going. I know where I’ve been but I’ve lost sight of so many things along the way.

I’m trying to figure out what I want, where I want to go. I’ve been living in the present more recently than I ever have in my life. I think to the future and what I want yet I slide back to what I currently have. I’ve never been a crazy risk taker but I’ve been known to do what I want in any moment. Going “back home” isn’t an easy decision. The job prospects are slim. The things to do are typically boring after about five seconds. I don’t want this life anymore, yet here I am again. I have so much love for my friends and the people around me. I still can’t totally let go of my former best friend. Things have and haven’t been happening. I have more and less freedom than ever yet – I don’t really know me anymore.

Being home, being content, becomes harder and harder. I listen to my friends from graduate school making things happen and I envy them. I know I couldn’t put myself through that again. That isn’t my path. Yet this doesn’t seem to be either. One moment I feel like I’m doomed to wander the planet alone in search of something, happiness, myself, salvation I honestly don’t know. I feel like there’s so much out there to achieve. I don’t even begin to know where to start. The dream I once held for myself hasn’t been since my last semester of college. I haven’t really found anything else to dream for since then. I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’ve had plenty of one night stands. I have a ton of student loan debt. I’ve done everything in life I’ve ever wanted to thus far. I have friends that I know would always have my back. I have friends that I talk to like siblings despite being an only child. I’m a cynical realist but a secret romantic. I’m guilty of being a game player but who isn’t these days. I’m sick of trudging through the fog only to be continuously rained on. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for myself. And everything in my life proves it. But what do I do? How do I fix this when I don’t exactly know what’s broken?

No one can tell you what to dream and how to get there. Life isn’t that cut and dry. Everyone is on a personal journey and no one person’s is the same. I’m not a big believer of everything happens for a reason but after a certain point I start to see why some things happen. You don’t always have to know why something happens but it’s nice to know why the crazy shit happens. Whether it’s supposed to teach you something or not who knows. I see life in two ways. One is the way of being in my hometown around my parents and family. The not-so-easy easy way because I have a geographically sound support system for the most part. The other is the hard but damned near impossible way of going it alone.

How do you go after something when you don’t know what you want? How do you make anything happening when you’re wandering through the woods lost? I’m a sucker for an epic adventure. I love getting lost in these stories in the characters. The details of the worlds. The distinct histories that have been created accordingly. I have a love for things I find beautiful. Landscapes, great food, ice cream, the ocean, old world Europe, ruins, things that have withstood the ages and yet are still semi intact… the list goes on. I’ve had vivid dreams come true. I’ve had crazy nightmares that I just kept sleeping through. I’ve known the feeling of contentment with the energies of the world. I’ve felt so alive and so alternately dead. I’ve known soul mates and love. I’ve known anger and rage. How can you know and feel so much yet feel and allow yourself so little acceptance?  How do you build a notion of home when it has been thusly broken? How do you piece together a dream when you don’t know what you want?

People always ask me what I’m afraid of and I always hesitate to answer them. I’m not a fearful person. I’m not afraid of death or dying. I’m afraid of not living, really living. Maybe that’s why I’m so annoying to myself right now. All I feel that I do is complain on this even though I’m just writing out my thoughts. I’m expressing my thoughts, feelings, wisdom in the only way I seem to know how. I draw, I paint, I write. I’m a generally creative person yet I don’t know how to let the creativity ooze from my every being unless I’m in raw form.

I’m a walking contradiction because I’m a realist but I’m a romantic. I’m a cynic but I’m a dreamer. The inner struggle is the worst and I’m my own worst enemy but I don’t know how to let that go. I like being around people but I like being alone. I won’t go out and think I’m going to have a bad time. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I’m missing but I know something isn’t right. I know I can’t be the only one feeling this way yet everyone I speak to just doesn’t get it or attempt to know how to fix it.

I know I’m young but I don’t think that way. I’ve been providing for myself in many ways for a very long time. I’m rough around the edges but no one is a pristine form of themselves ever so I don’t expect perfection. But how do I get this to stop? I over think and over analyze everything. I do it for the knowledge. I do it for other alternative perspectives. I’m not looking for someone to give me an answer but to open my mind to a new way to think about something. I will ask for help if I need it but if I can’t articulate what it is I need I won’t be caught dead asking. How do you change what you know because you know it’s bad for you? How do you stop being your own worst enemy and start being your own best friend without the cockiness? When I feel like I’ve achieved a lot and so little how do I see the good without the bad? Am I too aware of all sides? Is there such a thing? How do you find yourself in a lost world of possible outcomes but no strict desires on the forefront? How do you achieve greatness and personal success if you don’t know what it means or what you want?

So much potential but – Risks, risks everywhere

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We’re all struggling to find our way. In a world where possibilities are endless but everything comes at a cost what do you do? How do you attempt to live your dream? A decade ago college degrees used to mean success in some way. You were compensated more for what you earned. You were thought to be highly educated and had some type of distinguished appeal in terms of your field of study. Degrees are now a dime a dozen and the cost is astronomical. For what payoff? All you get now is a chance at any success with any job in any field because they don’t care that you have a History degree or a Biology degree. They just want you to have any degree. You study for four years trying to get a well rounded education because somewhere along they way you’re told that you have to. You take a chance for a risk that will leave you with a mortgage and no house and a pay off that may take up to ten years to be returned. They say that by the time you’re 30 you’ll eventually have enough experience and working knowledge to come close to making what you deserve and maybe be doing what you thought you wanted to do. Um – stop… that’s insane. I get it childhood and high school no longer teach you what they once did. Parents don’t let kids fail anymore. You don’t get to be the losing team, everyone gets a trophy for playing. Debt is inevitable but student loans are more defeating than anything else.

We live in a backwards world. Kids don’t know how to fail, they can’t lose and know the meaning of it. Working hard doesn’t always pay off. Proving you’re the best at what your job only gets you stuck there. School does not prepare you for anything. Skills are not learned while at school. Taxes, the actual value of voting, finances, independence, taking care of yourself, major life skills that you need to learn to be on your own are not skills anyone seems to value. Then society turns on our generation saying we’re lazy and entitled. They hold any mistake we make against us. Yet they still do not teach us. We do not truly know what failing is. And by the time we’re even given the chance to fail we already have $50,000 or more in student loan payments and can’t afford to fail.

It’s a crazy fucked up world out there. I love my parents but they don’t get it. I have so much respect and love for my close friends but even some of them do not understand what the calculated value of a degree is in return for your life.

I had an argument with a friend the other day about college. We’re about a year apart in age, we’ve known each other for over a decade but I’m not married and they don’t have any degrees. They made their decisions. They’re working part time for more money than they’ve ever seen but what they’re doing is nothing I’ve ever wanted to do or make happen for myself. It’s not hard labour and it isn’t desk work either. I don’t bash their chosen job but that’s what it is – a job. A for now this will do job.

I get having a job and working for a living. But I don’t get living for your job. I might want a career but I don’t even know what that means anymore. What’s the difference between a job and a career? Do you have to be a doctor or a lawyer to have a career? Do you have to work 80 hours a week and devote your life to working to have a career? Will someone please throw me a bone and tell me what the hell it means because I don’t know.

My dad says all the time, oh your friend is doing xyz… when are they gonna get a real job? I get it there’s a difference between working in retail or fast food and sitting at a desk all day but hell, if that’s what they want and are content with that, then who the hell are you to tell them otherwise? My dad and I disagree quite a bit in terms of the world today. He can’t see my perspective and he doesn’t want to. My mom is the same way but we don’t generally talk about it. I’ve been angry about some things that are going on in my life lately and I think this country is ass backwards. I don’t bash the quality of life because it is not bad in the slightest. But saying we’re fucked up is an understatement. He insists that half the countries I’ve been in I’d be arrested for even speaking my mind. To which I have to point out to him that he’s never even been out of this country before other than Canada and the media/news only tells you what they want you to know. I get trying to watch the news and educate yourself but you can’t believe everything people tell you about other countries. Yes some things are true and some places are dangerous. It happens. That can be said about anywhere. But when you can’t even provide for yourself in a country that is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave what do you have? There is no American Dream. I’m slightly ashamed of what this country has become.

I like to be knowledgeable and educated on things in the world but I like to learn by doing and through experience. There are so many things that this country does get right I will give us that. But there are so many things that are expected from the youth of this country that have never been taught to us. I like to believe that you can learn something from everyone in terms of life and what not, but that does not make everyone a teacher. Not everyone can teach and college and graduate school and the education system today is not teaching. Common core and teaching to pass state tests and not having high expectations because of an area’s reputation is ridiculous. Not everyone is given the same chance and that’s obvious. But why would you throw the future of this country away with ridiculous unevenness when it doesn’t have to be that way?

I’ve been reading around and it says that by the time you’re in your 30s or around 30 you can hope to be semi successful. If your job/career doesn’t take off until you’re 30 then from the age of 22 when most graduate from college until 30 what do you do? That’s 8 years of a whole lot of craziness. If we drink or experiment, then we’re addicts. If we party, we’re hot messes. If we stay in and do nothing we’re responsible. If we have a real job then we’re doing okay. But the last time I checked – living in your parents house going to a job you hate everyday isn’t acceptable, yet we’re not really given a choice. If you go to college you take a chance. If you go to graduate school you take a chance. None of those chances ever guarantee a payoff. Nothing in life is certain except death. You have loans to pay yet you’re not guaranteed a job. You have a life to live yet you’re not guaranteed a chance or success. And if you ask any adult, that’s just life.

Going to a job you hate everyday, having debts, owing people money because that’s how the world works, trying to find passion or make it in a world of your choice is silly – get a real job. Trying to be thankful for what you have is hard. Everyone in society from kid to adult is ungrateful. We’re not taught how to be thankful for what we have because even our parents want more and they wanted it yesterday. Life is hard. Love is hard. Friendship is hard. Risks are worth taking but they never pay off. Chances are everywhere but to take one there’s risk is involved. So what do you do? Do you sit around and do what you’re told because it’s the easy way? Do you try to break the mold because of your own dissatisfaction with yourself or the life you’re leading?

How do you dream when you can’t afford to pay for food today without the help of your parents? How do you have goals when the odds of ever achieving them are slim to none? You have every chance in the world to be whoever you want but so does everyone else. The world is a lot smaller of a place, we no longer compete with those in the cities and states around us. We’re competing with the world. How do you find contentment and satisfaction when you’ve never been taught how to experience or deal with those things? I want to love and be loved. I want to be happy. I want a job I enjoy at least slightly. I want to pay for my loans and not have that burden hanging over my head. I want to have my own house or apartment but I’m nowhere near achieving any of those things. I’m sick of complaining and I’m sick of people telling me that having debt you can’t control and working a job that makes you miserable is just life. I refuse to be an adult that can be beaten into submission in such a way that I find that acceptable. I’m sick of the world telling me that regardless I do and how much I try that I’m not good enough. I will not give up and I will not be beaten into submission. I’m sick of adults that have little to no ambition ruining it for us dreamers that want more for this world.

When do you stop believing in the myths of fairies and happy endings? I don’t mean that literally but honestly. Why give into the monotony and unhappiness of a job that gives you nothing but headaches or annoyance? Why give into debt and owing everyone for anything you ever do? Why pay for every single chance you take because you need to learn from experience? Why not help someone along the way and learn for yourself and from them? Why complain if you won’t educate yourself on anything or everything? “We are the music makers. We are the dreamers of dreams.” We have the potential to write the next epic adventure. To live it. To be the next great anything. We have the most access to the best of the best throughout history yet we don’t have the capabilities to learn all that we can from it and each other. “If this is to be our end then I will have them make such an end, as to be worth of remembrance.”

Free yourself

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I’ve been known to rant and ramble. It is what it is. We all complain. We all need to let the crazy out. I’ve been going through some crazy shit lately and I can honestly say it’s lead me to question things more than usual. It’s also made me very angry. I don’t hold onto the anger because it’s too draining but shit when I finally start to feel content again something else comes back and bites me.

I’m trying my best to get through, but words of my friends and parents just seem like a bitter annoyance of judgement. Therefore I write. I write to feel better. I write to rant or complain or to express or to let go. I write for me. To not feel so trapped. I write to calm the tempest of my thoughts for they always rage within. I’ve never been very good with feelings and they’re hard for me to deal with at times. I’ve had very strange experiences with things in life that lead me to have a somewhat unbalanced view of things. One minute I’m goal oriented and driven, the next who knows it’s yet to come. I’ve only found the balance in one way through one person. Yet it wasn’t a balance I was looking for. After being separated from it and yearning for it again, I have it back. But it isn’t how I left it. I’m now afraid of it. Fear isn’t something I understand much of either. I’m not afraid of death or dying. I’m more afraid of not living or not being able to do what I want with my life. Hence the last post.

With that said, some things I know about myself… I have an opinion and I will defend it. I am open to new things and I love to learn. I do not expect anything from anyone, in fact I’m used to being alone. I don’t trust easily. I can be quiet and loud. I am opinionated and annoying. I am a stupid kid and an adult. I am young but I was never a kid when I was a kid. I am lost but I don’t know how to find what it is I’m looking for. I don’t know what I want and that’s okay. I want a better world and a better society. I am a cynic. I am a realist. I am a romantic. You push me I fight back. I am not a fighter but if you push me to my end, my breaking point, you do not want to be the one who gets the back lash. I am uneven. I am a lot of things. I am me – whoever that is. I wear masks and I hide from myself. I love to love yet I’m afraid to get hurt again. I’ve been called mysterious and unattainable. I’ve been called smart, worldly, a leader, a character. I’ve been called a lot of things. Who do you believe? What do you believe? How do you channel the energies to not be so unbalanced? How do you free yourself from the trap?

Is there a true path for us? Does anyone even really care? Are we all just going through the motions? We all have opinions. I even annoy myself with some of them. We are a product of our environment. We have doors and opportunities to the unknown. We are what we make of ourselves to an extent. We are all trapped in our own worlds, in our own minds. We are all crazy. We are all unbalanced. We are all human. But is that enough? What do you do when life repeatedly gets you down? Make a change? Find a way to pick yourself up? Maybe, today that’s enough. What about tomorrow? Then what? Your life is just that – yours. Your experiences all yours, all unique.

But what if you’re at a crossroads for the second time in less than a year?

What if the reason you want to stay is the same reason you have for leaving ?The life you never wanted is the comfort in knowing yourself. The place you never wanted to be is now the only solace you have. What happens when you no longer know who you are but maybe you never really did? You feel stifled but content. Enraged but calm. You feel you are the dichotomies of good and evil within your own mental existence. You know you’re more creative when you’re mentally fucked up, but you know you don’t want to live in that darkness. You see the hope and the pain in the world. The cynical realist who can no longer handle the cynicism alone. You feel like you’re screaming in a crowded room alone and no one’s looking up. Yet you feel like everyone is passing judgement and examining your entire being.

How do you deal? What do you do? Do you ask for help and put your trust in others that can only do so much? Do you try to do it yourself as much as you can? Do you again change the status quo in hopes that a different physical and mental state will let you see things clearly? Where do you go from here? Sick of complaining about the world yet in no position to change it. No adult takes you seriously because you’re young. No kid takes you seriously because you’re too old. Where do the lines no longer blur? When does the love no longer hurt or harm you? How do you rest in peace within your own mind? Do you channel the energy into something else? Try to let it go? Embrace it and see where you end up? Or run screaming in another direction? Who’s to know, who’s to say?

There are no specifically right answers in terms of yourself – you decide what’s worth it. You decide who you want to be and who you are. But when does the mask of who you’re showing the world come off? The person you show and the person you are, aren’t always the same. Or maybe they are. Are the masks we wear pieces of the puzzle or do they complete the puzzle? How do you know? How do you decide? Where does freedom truly lie? Is it to be free from your thoughts? Free from others’ judgments? Free from oppression? Free from anything? Where do you go from here? How do you break free?

Entitled and lazy

As I sit here with a million things going through my mind I have but one thing to say – Why?

We go through our lives for what purpose? Why do we do what we do? We’re no longer just trying to survive. We’re not only harming ourselves but the world around us. Why do we function this way? Why do we not want what’s best for each other? How did we become so polluted in ways of living and being?

I’m so sick of the people running this country and the “adults” that seem to control this world. They’re close minded and self-righteous. They’re the first to tell us we’re lazy and entitled yet it’s because of them that we are where we are now. The future of this country doesn’t stand a chance until these people back off. I get that certain things aren’t always in your control but come on. This is a generation that fought for peace and equality. What happened to them?! Why does the world of adults become so estranged from the world of the “young”?

I’ve been talking to some of my relatives about life “nowadays.” Simply put my grandmother – lived through the Great Depression, World War II, grew up working on a farm with very little, her mother died young, she has seen very hard times – BUT she pities and feels bad for the kids these days, myself included. I know I probably ramble and complain enough about life these days but seriously… why don’t my parents and those of their generation see what they handed us?

I have very little faith in society or people these days. The more I try to see the light the more the darkness drives it away. There is no order. Only slightly organized chaos. The standard of living is high and the quality of life isn’t bad by any means. But people, society, this country, does not function as it should. No politician is truly for the people. The system does not work to protect or serve the people. It works to protect and serve those in the system. If you put a toe out of line, you’re ass is grass. And you will be paying for any little slip for the rest of your life. No leniency. No excuses. You’re an adult, not a kid it’s time you started acting like one. Oh wait then they turn and say I don’t care about you or what you think. You’re a kid until I say so.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not ungrateful for the life that I have, but the way of the world is not in my hands. I’m not looking to become filthy rich or the next big star. Fame and fortune has crossed my mind, but hell I’m sure everyone can say that it has at some point right? But something that our parents really and truly do not understand is being an “in-between.” The phase where you’re a young adult but still treated fully like a know-nothing kid.They didn’t necessarily have the phase of having to live with your parents until your job actually paid you what you were worth and your student loan debt wasn’t raping you any longer. Yeah yeah I know, when you take a loan, you have to pay it back. And you have to understand what you’re signing on for. But excuse me for saying this – fuck off. You mean to tell me that as an 18 year old kid that when through a high school curriculum that taught me little to nothing useful about anything is going to prepare me for debt repayment? You want me to choose a major and a college and plan for my future when I don’t even know what that truly means. You will however base it on the income of my parents because you realize that I clearly don’t have money to pay for anything of substance. But it’s still my fault for not working beforehand. Well if I worked before going to college… I’d still be working and wouldn’t have any degrees. -Instead I have two bachelor’s, received at the same time, in 3 1/2 years. I’m not the average person here yet I’m just as screwed and my parents pay no nevermind to the debt issue.

I’ve been to a little under a dozen countries throughout the world. I’ve gotten to all of them by my own monetary means. Three continents, half the states, a few random islands. I’ve seen the world through very different eyes than my parents. They understand that a college education in today’s world is a necessity. But in terms of paying for it they don’t understand that getting today what you can’t pay for tomorrow is a burden on society. That having $60k+ in student loan debt is not only crippling it’s a jail sentence. You have the next 10-15 years to pay that off. It’s a mortgage without a house. Oh and to top it off, they’re fighting for the jobs we’re trying to get as well. Oh and we outnumber them. We’re the most educated generation that this country has ever seen yet we’re told we’re entitled and lazy. Well I don’t feel like I’ve been given a chance in hell to succeed. I work hard, I’m intelligent, I can learn, I know more than most, yet I’m never good enough. College degrees are a dime a dozen and get you nothing to show for it. In the past you would earn more money due to your degree. Now that’s not the case and no one even cares what it’s in as long as you have one. Then to top it off when trying to get a job, you not only have to know everything about everything, but you have to have experience before they even speak to you. Yeah I know that’s not a terrible thing, but when I call a business and they tell me sorry that’s not my job I don’t know how to do that.. well shit, you mean there are people that don’t have to expand their horizons? Oh but they’re “older.” I have to know about the company, make a personal letter different for each posting and yet 9/10 times no one even reads it. This is insane. All of it. How did we get here and why is it okay?

It has been said that words and ideas can change the world, but no one is listening and no one is paying any attention to the “kids” of the future. But tell me that I’m wrong when I say that what today’s young adults face is not only crippling but crazy. In today’s world, there are more prescription drug abusers, more prescription drugs in general, more substance abuse, more rules, more laws, more authority, more eating disorders, more obesity, more of everything. When is more not good enough? When does it end? Why is less not looked to as an alternative. Everything costs more, takes longer to pay back, requires more effort, more time, more experience, MORE MORE MORE. Every generation has their own issues and problems that goes without saying, but when is enough enough? We live in a need it yesterday society, this generation is what you taught us to be. We can stand out and change the world but we also have to be taken seriously. I’m not trying to only play the victim because it isn’t that cut and dry but shit. How would you feel if you worked your ass off to get through college, couldn’t find a job that paid more than $11/hr, barely paid for your student loans, had you living at your parents, and yelled at you because you’re a product of the environment you know. Why is that okay? Why? When do you admit that you made mistakes and stop holding them against us? We have the chance in the future to screw this world up as well.. but at this point we’re already so far behind. The next generation can blame us for their shortcomings but when do we get our chance for success?