I know I’ve written of this before but life seems to keep going in circles for me at the moment. I like so many others fell in love with the wrong person. I’ve been trying to get over it yet despite my best efforts keep getting dragged back through the mud. I moved away about a year ago in hopes of starting a new life. I left of my own accord, in fact I wanted to go. I knew I had feelings for my best friend at the time and they knew it too. It wasn’t until I truly started to let go that I realized I loved this person. The more we fought and pushed each other the more I realized I cared more than I let even myself know.
I’ve been back in my hometown for a while now but I haven’t really been telling anyone my plans. The truth was I didn’t know if I was staying or going and I wasn’t about to let anyone else really know except a few trusted people I knew wouldn’t say much unless they were helping me emotionally get through the ringer I’ve been dealing with.
I watched a documentary about the human brain and the chemicals it releases in the stages of love. Whether you’re happy or miserable same chemicals have similar effects on the brain. They were even compared and found pretty much the same as when someone is on a cocaine high. As crazy as that seems I get it. The same things you feel when you love are the same things you go through when you’re trying to get out of love. However that doesn’t really help me let this go.
Between the two of us, we’ve both played our share of games and had our moments of craziness. We’ve both screwed with each other and ran screaming in the other direction. Yet in our moments of weakness that seem to be semi attuned to one another we both give in. Whether it’s a text or a random run in with each other. Or trying to use my friends to get to me. The fact that I’m the one sitting here trying to get all of this out – partially for the world to see, mostly for myself – just doesn’t make sense. They said I love you first a very long time ago. Things changed. We now both act like neither of us are friends yet we can’t seem to stay the fuck away from each other.
We live in a small enough place to run into each other once in a while but when you start going to new places in hopes that person isn’t there, but you run into them anyways oh and look you’re wearing the same color shirt. Or your friends spill that they’re trying to get you laid that night and the person who is supposedly not that into you asks why with offense and proceeds to get every detail possible. Uh you know you have a problem.
It’s been a crazy ride. Love isn’t supposed to be a cake walk because anything in life is clearly no cake walk. But it certainly shouldn’t be this hard nor this heart wrenching. I’ve been through a lot with this person. I’ve wanted to hate this person. I’ve wanted and still kind of want nothing to do with them. Yet – I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this if I didn’t sort of give a damn to let the crazy out. Yeah I can admit that I felt more than they did. I can admit that I’ve been the one to always bring things up when they need to change. I can admit that the result I’ve been dealing with is not the result of the end. I’m delusional because I loved someone that either couldn’t or couldn’t admit to ever loving me back, despite saying it. Meaning is everything. Attachment and love is an addiction. It might be the best and the worst one.
I don’t want this to be the end all be all of my feelings towards this person and I don’t want to end up hating them because I honestly don’t think that’s fair. But when someone makes you feel like an idiot for even acknowledging them when you feel anything, even if it’s because you think you treated them poorly. Don’t hold it against them.
Love is a crazy and powerful thing. We hold it against ourselves when it’s personal. We hold it against ourselves when we fall in love with someone we shouldn’t have. We hold it against ourselves if we actually find the strength to follow our dreams and we fail. Doing something you love is hard because if you fail you either have to work that much harder or you have to convince yourself there’s some reason somewhere that it didn’t work out. Whether it’s I never wanted that anyway. They’re not the one for me. I deserve better, bigger, greater things. Any of it. We hold ourselves back and push ourselves forward for these things.
Yes I may be delusional but I don’t regret what I shared with this person. I don’t regret taking a chance and feeling what I did. I don’t regret failing because it didn’t become what I hoped it would. I’ve never been good at failing but honestly – is anyone? Sometimes it’s worth being delusional to see what you do truly want. Sometimes delusion is just the right hint of insanity to get you through the day. Sometimes loving anything, anyone is enough to teach you what you need or don’t need from life in this moment. Maybe it truly is a big picture kind of thing. You get a taste of what you want but timing is everything. What do you think?