Apparently I’m delusional without the silly poetic verses

I know I’ve written of this before but life seems to keep going in circles for me at the moment. I like so many others fell in love with the wrong person. I’ve been trying to get over it yet despite my best efforts keep getting dragged back through the mud. I moved away about a year ago in hopes of starting a new life. I left of my own accord, in fact I wanted to go. I knew I had feelings for my best friend at the time and they knew it too. It wasn’t until I truly started to let go that I realized I loved this person. The more we fought and pushed each other the more I realized I cared more than I let even myself know.

I’ve been back in my hometown for a while now but I haven’t really been telling anyone my plans. The truth was I didn’t know if I was staying or going and I wasn’t about to let anyone else really know except a few trusted people I knew wouldn’t say much unless they were helping me emotionally get through the ringer I’ve been dealing with.

I watched a documentary about the human brain and the chemicals it releases in the stages of love. Whether you’re happy or miserable same chemicals have similar effects on the brain. They were even compared and found pretty much the same as when someone is on a cocaine high. As crazy as that seems I get it. The same things you feel when you love are the same things you go through when you’re trying to get out of love. However that doesn’t really help me let this go.

Between the two of us, we’ve both played our share of games and had our moments of craziness. We’ve both screwed with each other and ran screaming in the other direction. Yet in our moments of weakness that seem to be semi attuned to one another we both give in. Whether it’s a text or a random run in with each other. Or trying to use my friends to get to me. The fact that I’m the one sitting here trying to get all of this out – partially for the world to see, mostly for myself – just doesn’t make sense. They said I love you first a very long time ago. Things changed. We now both act like neither of us are friends yet we can’t seem to stay the fuck away from each other.

We live in a small enough place to run into each other once in a while but when you start going to new places in hopes that person isn’t there, but you run into them anyways oh and look you’re wearing the same color shirt. Or your friends spill that they’re trying to get you laid that night and the person who is supposedly not that into you asks why with offense and proceeds to get every detail possible. Uh you know you have a problem.

It’s been a crazy ride. Love isn’t supposed to be a cake walk because anything in life is clearly no cake walk. But it certainly shouldn’t be this hard nor this heart wrenching. I’ve been through a lot with this person. I’ve wanted to hate this person. I’ve wanted and still kind of want nothing to do with them. Yet – I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this if I didn’t sort of give a damn to let the crazy out. Yeah I can admit that I felt more than they did. I can admit that I’ve been the one to always bring things up when they need to change. I can admit that the result I’ve been dealing with is not the result of the end. I’m delusional because I loved someone that either couldn’t or couldn’t admit to ever loving me back, despite saying it. Meaning is everything. Attachment and love is an addiction. It might be the best and the worst one.

I don’t want this to be the end all be all of my feelings towards this person and I don’t want to end up hating them because I honestly don’t think that’s fair. But when someone makes you feel like an idiot for even acknowledging them when you feel anything, even if it’s because you think you treated them poorly. Don’t hold it against them.

Love is a crazy and powerful thing. We hold it against ourselves when it’s personal. We hold it against ourselves when we fall in love with someone we shouldn’t have. We hold it against ourselves if we actually find the strength to follow our dreams and we fail. Doing something you love is hard because if you fail you either have to work that much harder or you have to convince yourself there’s some reason somewhere that it didn’t work out. Whether it’s I never wanted that anyway. They’re not the one for me. I deserve better, bigger, greater things. Any of it. We hold ourselves back and push ourselves forward for these things.

Yes I may be delusional but I don’t regret what I shared with this person. I don’t regret taking a chance and feeling what I did. I don’t regret failing because it didn’t become what I hoped it would. I’ve never been good at failing but honestly – is anyone? Sometimes it’s worth being delusional to see what you do truly want. Sometimes delusion is just the right hint of insanity to get you through the day. Sometimes loving anything, anyone is enough to teach you what you need or don’t need from life in this moment. Maybe it truly is a big picture kind of thing. You get a taste of what you want but timing is everything. What do you think?

Apparently I’m still delusional.

I want to love you, but you broke my heart. You don’t understand the effect you have on me whether we’re together or apart.

The way I still feel linked to you. The way I have to resist the things you do past the point of meanness and resentment.

The fact that I have never loved anyone the way I’ve loved you. But I’ve never felt more unloved by anyone too.

Most unappreciated and screwed up internally when you are around. I’ve tried and tried to break your hold but it seems I’m lost and can’t be found.

The moment when you think it’s over and you want to love again. Yet you feel ruined and wasted and emptyness and lonely to no end.

To think a love so screwed up is the love of myths and fables. To think it seriously just might work despite being crazy and unstable.

I’m perplexed by you, the person I thought I knew. We once meant so much to each other. To go a weeks time would never happen if it did not include the other.

But the time has come we’ve now moved past the time we shared together.

We’re not one the same but as those that shared for so long. Still not ready to let go and still trying to hold on.

Persuading myself against it time and time again. Lost in limbo with my feelings hoping for the light at the end.

Still shocked when I lay my eyes on you, hoping you don’t see me in return.

That you resist as I have and you struggle through it too. That you feel the hurt and pain inside as you have made me do.

But to do such a thing is to act uncharacteristically unlike yourself. The person I saw that wasn’t you now but someone else.

The things you say you yearn for are the opposite of which your actions do reveal.

You play with my heart as if it’s putty in your hands. Like to you the feelings were somehow never real.

I know the game. I know how to play. There is no winner at the end. We were more than simply lovers you were simply my best friend.

I’ve refused to play for a long time yet this still hasn’t come to pass. I want to end this personal hell and hope for peace at last.

To be in your presence, to be in your bubble, is to no longer know myself. So lost in you and in it all I’ve tried to put you on the shelf.

To forget the past and leave behind the damage done to me. To let you go and be okay with who I choose to be.

I want to leave this pain behind. I want to love again.  The game is done I guess you proved to be the winner in the end.

This broken heart shall heal in time but I have no idea where to go from here. To you nothing I mean no more. You shant even shed a tear.

To even think despite to dream it only hurts me more. To be back here amongst you again if not only to ask what for?

Through jaded eyes to look upon a new day dawning still. But to hold on to love and loss of friend is the sorrow in which will kill.

The Balance of Control

It was about a day ago that I found an old notebook I used to write in. I’ve kept many a notebook filled with random writings through the years. I just read a similar post to something I was going to write, but this finally gave me the fuel I needed to pull it off. Here goes.

I’ve been going through a bit of a ringer year. To say the least it’s been handing my ass in more ways than one. I’ve been doing some soul searching and trying to figure things out. I tend to do this every so often when things don’t seem to go in a direction I’d like. I’ve figured out some things about myself and I’ve re-figured out somethings I forgot about. You’d be surprised at what you can learn about yourself despite the holes left by what you didn’t write down.

I read through my old diary if you choose to call it that. I realized that I’ve been experiencing similar issues for the last decade. I’ve realized that I only write down the bad shit. And other than having more insight into my own personal beliefs and ways of doing things years ago, I tend to be more creative or inventive when I’m at my lowest. Who knew?

I’ve been thinking the last few days about my own happiness. About how fragile it is and how it hangs in the balance amidst everything. After reading all the bad crazy shit, it made me start to try to document the happy things. I’ve made detailed logs of trips and vacations I’ve taken and moments I was at my happiest – But those I usually kept separated as if not to tarnish them by the bad I wished to let out and forget.

I’ve been through a lot of crazy stuff in the past. I tend to be my own worst enemy. I’ve been working on the happiness factor yet it’s all such a delicate balance. I find myself so far removed from the person I once was yet so much the same that it’s insane. How do you figure out the balance when you’re five seconds from falling over? How can you be so close to contentedness or happiness and yet be so close to free falling?

Life is a journey. The world is a mess. The world we live in is ass backwards in countless ways, yet changing it is damned near impossible. Most people spend their lives doing what they’ve been told to do. They don’t question the norm. They don’t blur the lines. Push limits. They can find happiness easily – or so I’m told. I’m not one of those people. I never have been. Old soul I’ve been told. Wise beyond my years. Yet – I’m lost in the middle of a crowded wood in the dark hoping to find my life and my way back to the clearing. Feeling lost in the dark like a little kid trying to walk to mom and dad’s room down the hall.

But it brings me back to my point, generally as people we all want the same thing. Some write to express, Some write to let the crazy out. We want to live the happiness. To hold onto it. To own it. Yet it isn’t documented. Well newsflash – I don’t know how to be proud of what I’ve accomplished. I don’t know the true value of myself. Confidence I have. Intelligence yeah that too. Stupidity – we all have our moments. The ability to look at myself objectively – at times. I can honestly say this last year brought me to my lowest low to date. And so close to that low, happiness or contentedness was gained.

I reread the past. Realized as much as I’ve grown past that, maybe it’s true and somethings will never change. Maybe I just haven’t found my calling, my fate or my destiny if you so choose to believe in that. I’m a believer in many things. I believe we can control our own happiness but only to an extent. We make choices and they change our surroundings little by little. We choose what we become from those choices. What we make of the chances we do and don’t take is life. But so much of life is experience. Life is experience. So why write only the bad?

Do we find ourselves less worthy of remembering the good? Or are they personal lessons for us to reflect on later when we realize that, “the more you know, the more you know you don’t know shit.” Can we accept everyone to be a teacher? Do we accept that we may all have a place in this world and regardless we live it out? There are so many people and things of greatness, do you strive to be one of them or do you live amongst the rest? Do we wait for others to point out what we don’t see for ourselves? Do we document the good the bad and the crazy?

As the saying goes, history tends to repeat itself. Well what about personal history? Does happiness hang in the balance of choice or is it thrust upon you? Do we every truly know ourselves? Is it because of the documented mishaps that we learn the most from?

There are many books that speak of identification by a single word. Some stories say that if you figure out someone’s word, then you can control them. That understanding is key. That to know your word is to truly know yourself. That it isn’t what you do (in terms of occupation) but who you are. Are we masters of our destiny? Can we be? We can control what we remember, what we choose to value and what we want to be remembered for as a legacy- but perception changes everything. Who you are and where you stand changes everything. Despite the documenting of the bad do we move forward with the good in memories? Trying to find the light in the dark is no easy task but trying to hold onto it seems to be a coveted notion.

Can we figure out our own word based on documentation? Is the documentation the true key to happiness? Let’s say even if we choose to be happy and can remember the good… can we truly keep our balance? Or is life just semi controlled chaos in a world that’s spiraling out of control?

Here’s to never growing up

Do we ever truly grow up or do we just grow? I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. Everyone keeps insisting after a certain age that they’re adults. But I don’t know if it truly works that way. Everyone has their own life. Their own experiences. If that’s true then how can you ever truly be an adult? Is it because you pay bills? Is it an addition of responsibility in life? Kids? What really makes you an adult? If it’s experience then that’s subjective and some people get there by 5 years old and some people don’t by 25. But that’s the thing…

Life is an experience, it is a constant state of growth and change. Why do we let others define us as a kid or an adult? Why do we take the word of those around us in time of need when the answer lies within ourselves? Society will always do this because it has its own way of trying to define everything. People are so quick to judge. So quick to tear you down. No one knows or has experienced your journey – no one else but you. We all need people and help along the way, but not from sources of judgement and chaos.

The problem is life is a total gray area. What you call living, isn’t what I call living, isn’t what my grandmother called living etc. We all have different standards and thoughts about what life should and shouldn’t be. What we really need to figure out is our own self journey. I have a weird passion and love for epic adventures. I am in the midst of figuring out what I want to do with my life in terms of a career. I know I am not going to live for my job. However I know that I will have to spend most of my time working a job. So I might as well fucking enjoy what I’m doing. If I hate every fucking minute – what’s the point? I had that job. I’ll probably have another before I truly get to where I want to be. But that is what it is. Do you want to be defined by your job? Would you be okay if you were?

There’s a saying that goes, “never judge someone because you don’t know what they’re going through.” I am firm believer of that statement. Yet at the same time it’s so hard not to judge because it’s hardwired into us by those around us. How do you fight the norm? Do you? Can you truly? When doesn’t it count as judgement? When you truly know someone or are close to someone is judgement not judgement? If someone does something hurtful or mean to you can you judge them then? Definitions. All of society functions based on predetermined definitions of stupid shit that doesn’t matter.

S/he’s fat. S/he’s skinny. Too tall, too short. Smart/dumb. Right/wrong. Things are not always that black and white. Certain things when it comes to morals are a little more easily defined. Killing someone is wrong. We all know that. But. If someone attacks you and you try to defend yourself and the other person ends up dead… still wrong? It is another human life. And the point is to value human life – or is it?

Society is quick to judge what is right and wrong. They don’t care what you think or why you think it for the most part. But as for being a person versus an adult is circumstantial. When do you fully transition from one phase to the next? I haven’t had a terribly hard life. I’ve been the hardest person of all on myself. I know that when I cut myself some slack and people throw something in my face or call me on it I tend to get defensive. We all have our pet peeves. We are after all individuals. We are constantly learning new things, changing, adapting. What we wanted and needed five years ago isn’t what we need now or in the future. The hardships I face may be nothing to the next person. The hardships I’ve faced may be nothing someone else has ever dreamed of. You have no idea where someone else stands in life. Why define them?

I think this is the biggest issue when it comes to marriage. People don’t try to grow with each other. Life, careers, stuff, homes, etc get in the way. Too much shit. Too many changes – constantly. Maybe not knowing that person well enough to begin with. Maybe it isn’t as “sacred” as it once was. Or maybe people are just becoming less intelligent when it comes to the things that really matter. If you have enough love and respect for each other you will find a way to make it. That’s my belief but you can think what you want. People depend on people. Sometimes people depend on people to tell them what to do and if they don’t they’re lost. The “have a kid” thing is number one. If you decide not to have any kids then you’re not normal. Why would you not want to do that?! Society breeds conformity. If you color in the lines you’ll be fine. (I tend to make a mess and go outside the lines but that’s me.)

Well what if you’re not part of the norm? What if you’re an outlier? Let’s go back to junior high math… What if you don’t fall in the general bell curve of what society deems normal? What if you stand out from the crowd? Does it make you any less of anything or any more of anything else? No. If you’re not a typical 20 year old does it make you more or less of an adult? If you’re not a typical 30 year old what then? I’m not a firm believer of religion but faith doesn’t have to mean religion. Taking a leap of faith to become anything in life, whether it be an adult or to forever be a kid or to just be is something to consider. Faith is funny that way. It’s always a blind leap. So do you dare live outside the lines? Do you dare not to become an adult?

Do you dare to just continually grow as a person? One less label. One less judgement. Can you find those like you? Can you find your niche without a label? You’ve probably gotten this far without thinking about it so why not now? Grow and change and be with those around you that are either the most like you or the most accepting of you. Yeah I know easier said than done. Give it a try. Forget what you thought about five seconds ago. Be in the moment. Release the inner peace. If you want to be Peter Pan the rest of your life who is to tell you otherwise? If you have a job and provide for yourself then it is 100% your call. Don’t define yourself. Don’t hold yourself back. If you want to be called an adult then go for it. If you want to be treated as one that doesn’t mean you have to consider yourself one. – See gray area. You can talk to people with dignity, intelligence and respect and be more adult than a lot of people that I have met in my life but eh – again that’s circumstantial.

Question the norm. Question the rules. Question yourself. Find your place of comfort. Be who you want and not who society defines you as. Find a moment of true clarity. Learn from yourself. Learn from your mistakes and your failures as well as your successes. Why did you succeed? What made this time different? I want to live an adventure. I’ve already had some pretty epic ones. I am a storyteller. I have crazy shit happen to me all the time. I revel in the stories. I live for the moments of clarity. Storyteller isn’t all that I am. I am not defined by that word, but I explore the meaning of that word with living it. You define yourself. You let yourself grow or hold back. We all have a place in this world. Where do you want yours to be? Do you want to be just another adult? Be somebody to yourself.

Reflection is upon you

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To know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been
Despite any lovers, losers or friends

The past is over there is no going back
You’ve already lived it
Do not hold onto personal attacks

Don’t discount mistakes or misfortunes
No grudge is worth pain
Sometimes you just need to dance through the rain

Life is a struggle, make of it what you will
We only live once
And only life can kill

If people in your life aren’t helping along the way
Let them go
Send the shit and the struggle astray

Try to move on
And hope for a better today
And try to stop letting your fears take hold of the day

Tomorrow’s a day that’s not guaranteed
Only you have the choice in your life to be free

Try to free yourself from your pain and free yourself from your sorrow
To live and endure for your own time that’s borrowed

For there’s no path of least resistance
No grand prize to be won

Your battle isn’t over
The war has just begun

Find happiness within yourself
The journey is the reason

Don’t continue on to hurt yourself
With personal acts of treason

When lost in woods of darkness
Try to prevail on to the light
Don’t be your own worst enemy
Be your one true friend and win the fight

Do you know where you’re going because you know where you’ve been
No there’s no a guarantee except for an end

There is no life without friendship

Friendship is something everyone needs in life. Your friends help shape your life and they can also help change your life for better or worse. We all start out at some point with friends that we “grew up with.” Those are friends that came in and out of our lives since we have been young children. These are people you can, not talk to for years and then out of nowhere say, “hey remember me?” and then end up talking for hours about “old times.” These are people that as a kid you remember random things from birthday parties or just playing tag in the back yard. If you can keep yourself surrounded by these people, the people you know and trust without question, the people you can count on to have your back, life is good.

Then there are those you gain later in life that you build memories with. These people can slowly become what you call close friends. Now, because you have realized that playtime no longer consists of boys vs. girls tag on the playground or that never ending game of hide and seek, friendship builds to new levels. You are always going to have that one person known as your partner in crime, who has gone through everything with you and you know each other so well that you can just look at each other and know what they’re thinking. Over the years your partner in crime may change but that doesn’t mean you lose the original, it means you’ve gained another. Then there’s the friend that blows you off over and over again, but you keep them around for reasons unbeknownst to you and because you wouldn’t have them be anyone else, but themselves. You have that friend that comes in and out of your life, but is always there if you just need someone to rant and rave to about your latest problem or crisis. That friend that if you wanna go grab a drink and put the day’s events out of your mind they will be happy to go along for the ride. We all think about that friend that we cared about more than as just friends but they’re one that got away. We may not always think of them but deep down somewhere inside you, there’s that last “what if you had done something different” thought that says you could have changed things, but in reality most likely wouldn’t have done so. There are a million types of friends in this world, where do you fit in?

Friends make you who you are as much as events in your life make and shape you. If you don’t have any friends, events that pull you down can be so much worse because there’s no one there to catch you and help pick up the pieces. Friends are people who you come to know and respect but those you can still “break ‘em” on until the end of time because of,  “that one thing that happened ten years ago that you still won’t let them forget or live down” still is part of your friendship.

On the other hand people have ways of driving each other insane. Friends come and go in your life and they always will, but those who have your back today might not always be there tomorrow. Your friends are your support system just as much, if not more, than your family is or should be. Friends are the people you surround yourself with. People you tell your deepest darkest secrets to and share your best and worst memories with. They are the people who should know you just as much as you know yourself – for the most part. However, friends only know as much about you as you are willing to tell them. They can only understand as much about you, as you are willing to let them or as much as you understand about yourself at the time. People need each other; there is no doubt about that. We depend on each other to get through the day whether it’s by helping us do our job, helping with everyday chores, helping with kids or pets, being there for us in our best and worst moments, or just relaxing at the end of a long week.

Friendship is hard to come by. Especially true friendship. By true friendship I mean, the people that you know have your back at a second’s notice even if it may cost them something. And I don’t mean heavily cost them, but people you know you can count on. Time has a cost of its own. I’m talking about the friends you can call your family, those you can stand to be around every minute of everyday and still miss them when they’re gone for five minutes. Those you can be parted from for months or years and then the first time you reconvene, your friendship has never changed and it’s as if nothing ever happened. It’s as though even though you may have updated them on random points of your life and the drama and happenings that you deemed most important at the time, these chosen few or many if you’re obscenely lucky, will always be there. They won’t ever seem to let you down. These are the people that are there when you yourself, have little faith in you –yourself.

Friends are necessary for life. It’s the reason why TV shows like Friends, Sex and the City, Seinfeld, the list goes on are such successes. They’re shows that are built around friends living with and around each other. It shows their ups, downs, ins, outs, and needs for one another. People relate to these shows because they are things that may seem outrageous and funny to someone but could in fact be someone else’s life. We all have those moments in life that we can connect with some movie or television show somewhere. Whether it’s because of a break up or a friendship. A family  member or an in-law. These shows sell because they’re life at it’s finest and lowest. They prove that people need people. They give you a false sense of making best friends and keeping them but they still prove that we need each other to survive whatever the world throws at us because without them we’re goners.