Slight Reflection

I know I tend to write about a lot of crazy realistic things that are dripping with disappointment and negativity. But gone are the carefree days I used to know. This year has been a rough one to say the least. Everything I knew about myself has changed, everything I felt about myself has been shaken. Those I never thought would be a part of my life have made their place in it. Those I didn’t think would leave have left. I try every day to find happiness and contentment. I go in circles until my mind can’t tell which way is up. I have fun and I get lost. I’ve been more lost in the last few months than ever before. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and it came to my realization that I know how to find passion, happiness, contentment, love and the list goes a little further, but I do not know how to hold onto them.

I don’t suffer from a crazy struggle as some have. I don’t pretend to be anything I’m not. We are all people here. We all deserve our own moments in the spotlight. This part of my life has proven the bad to me and beaten me down in so many ways. I keep trying to move on and motivate myself and I continuously lose everything I gain. Yeah I get it that you can’t be happy 100% of the time and perfection isn’t really something that exists at least in a conventional sense. We each have our own version of perfection. We each have our own ways to be happy and find happiness, pleasure, passion, you get the point.

Life is messy, we live in the grey area. We find those who are and aren’t worth our time and we sweat the petty shit a little too much once in a while. We get down on ourselves and we feel like we’ve failed. We overestimate abilities and sometimes we rise to the challenge. Other times we are on top of the world feeling like nothing can touch us yet, how easily knocked down are we? Every little thing we say, do, or think is a brick that’s being held in the balance. A piece of the puzzle that can make all the difference in completing the picture.

Writing has been a great help to me in the last few months. I write more than the things I post on here and I know I tend to be long winded but we’re all on our own personal journey and everyone is a potential teacher. Learn what you can from those around you. Learn as much as you can about yourself. Despite the hardships of any kind, try and keep an open mind. Change is hard. Life is hard. Life never plays out as we picture it will. That’s not a bad thing. Sometimes it just takes tomorrow to find out what we’ve been missing all this time. I know I get heavy when I post but I have a thirst for knowledge and I like to know what people think. I’m not looking for approval but rather opinions because I know I’m not the only one that thinks about these things. But on an ending note – never judge someone else’s struggle, for you know not what they’re going through unless they tell you and even then it’s questionable.

Social media sabotage

We’re all guilty of having some type of social media account. Hell – technically this counts. There’s now articles about how social media is detrimental to society. How it makes us even more antisocial than before. That it messes with peoples’ self worth and confidence within. Psychological effects are being studied. Jobs are being created to try to advertise and regulate social media for businesses because it’s one of the only things we pay attention to. Yet do you actually pay attention to most businesses or take them seriously if they’re on Facebook or a similar site? I know I don’t.

We’re the most educated generation this place has ever seen yet, we are probably the most secluded. As pointed out before every generation has it’s issues… I’m just not sure how we’re going to over come this one yet…We need to find a way to be more proactive about meeting, keeping and visiting friends. About making a life for ourselves. Not having to share everything we eat in pictures to the world. The life long friends concept is only not a thing of the past because of the internet. We can keep in contact with anyone and everyone we’ve EVER met. That’s great, but at the same time, it gives the friendship a bit of a half life. It definitely has perks but what are the pitfalls?

We want the world and information at our fingertips yet we can’t stand in a room and talk to someone without having our phones go off and ignoring the person right there because we had to answer a text message or something along those lines. At this point there’s no one to blame but ourselves. Do we continue this internet, social media addiction or do we go “old school” and find a way to be friends with people face to face rather than through an infinite number of screens and text on a page? Can we save ourselves from ourselves?

Where do we draw the line and when have we gone too far?

Sorry I need to rant…

Can I just say that I get it – no generation before is going to understand the generation after it – but honestly?! How do you not understand that the hand and the cards we’ve been dealt are different than yours?

We live in an ever changing world. Technology updates faster than we buy new shampoo. There’s a new gadget on a weekly basis. We’re so much different than those before us, we’re so much different than those after us. At least in a literal sense. On the value, moral, genetic, personal, human sense – we still need and want what you needed and wanted growing up.

We want a chance. We want to grow and succeed. We want to move out of our parents and start a life of our own. We want to be independent. We want to be educated. We eventually will have a family but one step at a time. We do things a little backwards. We are definitely flawed. But if I have to hear someone say we have to suck it up, deal with it, grow up, take responsibility for xyz, I’m going to scream. I know it’s something that is said quite often because I hear it almost weekly if not more. But shit people. We all make mistakes. We’re all on a journey to find happiness and whatever else we deem important in our lives. We still have goals. We might screw up from time to time – we are still learning. We can’t make any mistakes without it being the end all be all of – deal with your choices and consequences – be damned.

I want to be happy. I want to hold onto my happiness. I may be a bit lost and I may be trying to find my way. Don’t discount me because I’ve fucked up once or twice in the past. Or maybe not letting anyone fail and handing out trophies to all wasn’t such a good idea afterall? Letting us fail isn’t always bad. Making mistakes isn’t always bad. Don’t tell me I need to do something or that I have to, or that I CAN NOT and then expect me to 1. respect you, 2. value your input, 3. take you seriously because the hypocritical bull needs to end somewhere.

I’ve had a lot of fun in my life. I’ve done a lot of things. I’ve taken chances, I’ve failed. I’ve made mistakes. And I will continue doing all of those things until the day I die because I am human. Because I am a person and I am not perfect. I will never achieve perfection and I will only ever be me. And I’m sorry if that’s not enough for you, but it’s enough for me.

Learn to find faith in yourself because no one else is going to help you out there.

What is love becoming?

Love. One word that makes your entire world change. One feeling that if asked to be defined would be defined differently by every person you asked. I’ve been looking into so many things in society and I feel that we’ve lost sight of so much. Eventually we’ll relearn what it means to live in a country for the people and by the people, but right now we’re not there. I find myself often writing on this topic. Not because I’m an expert by any means (because personally I don’t even know what that means), but because in today’s world love is so hard. It shouldn’t have to be, but we’ve made love like so many other things difficult. We don’t share feelings. We made it solely about pleasure and passion and something that fizzles out and is only temporary.

Take it from someone who has been listening to a lot of ’50s music lately…I can’t personally say that love was easier then, but it was certainly completely different. It sounded different. It had a different vibe all together. We’re the in between generation that has happened in the past. We’re the next lost generation. The ones on the cusp of change that we don’t yet understand. And at this point love is no different. We mistake sex and pleasure for love. We use each other to get what we want. To stroke our own egos. People are expendable. Each person has a purpose in our lives. So compartmentalized, so rigidly structured. People aren’t machines. They’re not built to do one thing and one thing alone. People are people. We are everything and anything we can be in any given moment. We are not a means to an end, yet we treat each other as such.

We choose our friends. We have the option to make them family or not. We chose who we care about or at least continually care about. We give up too easily on relationships and love because we don’t know what it means. We spend too long in bad relationships because we yearn for that closeness even if it’s with the entirely wrong person. We live in a place where the divorce rate is higher than the marriage rate. People don’t have typical roles in society any more because equality and life has brought us to a point where roles don’t work. We do what we can but we don’t understand what it means when saying “for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times, till death do us part.” We get the sentiment but no one seems to carry it out anymore. No relationship can ever be perfect, because to err is human. But we don’t accept flaws. Assuming that any flaw someone else has that we don’t like in the slightest way means we’ve settled.

I’ve never been lucky in love, nor have I been all that lucky in friendships. But the people I do have in my life have definitely earned their place to say the least. Those I have loved were definitely growing points in my life. Each of them have their own unique addition to my life. I regret nothing in my past but that doesn’t mean if given the chance I wouldn’t change something. But we don’t need to make love harder than it has to be. We live in this place where there’s a friendzone instead of having clear cut boundaries. We allow ourselves to be put through all of this. People first place blame on women but men are equally guilty too.

We no longer know how to be vulnerable. We don’t let our feelings take over or tell someone how we really feel. We don’t know how to date. The most vulnerable thing we do is sleep around and that’s probably the worst thing we could do. I’ve had enough experience in terms of sex in general, but not in terms of having it truly mean something with someone and that’s not always okay. We hold nothing sacred about sex. We hold it as a goal for the end of the night and the score goes to the one who gets it the most. We live in a world where sometimes those in relationships are looked upon as silly because they’re not playing the field… But for what reason? The rest of us are sitting here wishing for intimacy we’ll never know. And yet when intimacy is found it’s not mixed with pleasure… Why?

Everything we have to deal with in life these days seems hard. Everything has to be the end all be all of dramatic happenings. We live in a world where we need instant gratification and instantaneous answers about anything and everything, yet we can’t turn to someone we spend most of our time with or someone that we have feelings for to say how we truly feel. I’m just as guilty as the next of being someone that holds out emotionally, but why does loving someone have to come with consequences before a relationship even starts? Why do we approach love and relationships with such trepidation, when we know in fact that people need people. We need each other. We learn from each other. We grow from and with each other. What’s the point if not to love? We all want to live the lives we see for ourselves.. why make it harder emotionally by having all these blurred lines and unanswered questions hanging over our heads?

We need to find a way to not be so afraid of being vulnerable with someone we care about. We need to find a way to make marriage and living a life with someone work. Marriage and life is not what it once was and I’m not saying things in the past were all that great because I wasn’t there I don’t know personally, yet I can’t sit here and think that we’re truly happy with sex, pleasure and lack of intimacy in the forefront of our existence. Yes, love can hurt but isn’t knowing better than wondering what if? Do we just expect far too much from everything and thus love is also unattainable? What is wrong with this picture?