Turn of the tide

How quickly it turns -the time.

Changes ways.

Airs.

Everything.

How quickly friends become strangers.

Lovers are lost.

Prior selves become stories and memories of someone that we used to know.

Well at least until that moment where it all seems to culminate…

You know that moment.

The one where you’re standing on the edge of a cliff about to swan dive into a lake you don’t know the depth of…

Where is choice if not within?

To take a leap of faith or stand and watch.

Well, sometimes all you have is reaction and after thoughts.

Logic and reason are thrown aside.

So how did we get here?

I don’t know – you tell me.

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There must be some misunderstanding…

Yes, I know my title is a Genesis song, but hey I like the song and at the moment it’s pretty fitting. On that note…

I’m sick of feeling like no one gets it. Like I’m screaming in a room full of people that go on their merry way through their daily lives and just float above me with the butterflies and the unicorns. Yes, this is an exaggeration but every great story deserves some exaggeration.

This is my life, this is my story. I write it. I live it. I can’t get out of my own head to save myself. I reel over and over about things I can’t control. I look at the world and the shape that it’s in and I want no piece of it. When did it come to this?! Well it’s always been this. That’s the sad part. Even at nine years old it was this. I can’t be someone that looks around and thinks that everything is just peachy. I can’t sit here and be content with the things going on around me. That was an innocence that I just never had. It was an ignorance I never was granted.

Most people aren’t like that. Most people don’t get it. Everyone is who they are and you can’t hold that against them – yet most try to find a way. Sometimes we need it for our own self preservation and sometimes we need it because toxicity reigns and it’s just got to end after a certain point. People come in and out of our lives and that’s just it.

We spend our lives trying to understand. We don’t live for ourselves. We do what we’re told. We abide by laws someone else made whether we believe in them or not. Gay Rights, abortion, medicinal marijuana, drinking before 21 we’ve followed and broken these laws, we’ve changed them, we’ve adapted, we’ve grown. But why? Because these things weren’t right anymore. Because we learned more about ourselves and realized things needed to change and we tried to come to a better understanding. But look around… We live in a country based on fear, where people make pennies to try and live with, they buy today what they can’t afford tomorrow by means of credit cards, student loans are beyond the norm, every other person is dependent on the system, you can’t fight the system because you won’t win and they won’t listen.

When did this country lose sight of being for the people? When did it stop understanding?

I know I write a lot about things that bother me and things that I just don’t get sometimes. I know I tend to be ranty and complain, but if I knew what I did or what I said would even make the slightest difference I’d do more to change things. I try to change and adapt myself, but I can’t be one of those people. I can’t be the one that goes to a job they hate everyday because someone told me along the lines I had to. I aspire to be more than that. I aspire period. I have massive amounts of student loan debt. I have to live with that choice. I made a deal before I even knew what it was because I didn’t have a choice anyway. I chose the school but I’d have had the debt either way. I chose the degree but I can’t find a job in the field I want. I can’t find a job that doesn’t make me feel trapped. I can’t find a job that will allow me to change my circumstances. And yes that freaks me out and pisses me off. It proves that despite how hard I might try – it doesn’t matter.

I look at my parents and I see people that are miserable on a daily basis because of their jobs. I see people that never aspired to do more. I see those that forgot what it was like to be a kid, to be young, to make mistakes and to try to change the things around them. I have very little faith in most things because life has proven to me that it’s just a stupid thing to have. But it’s also a crazy jaded way to look at the world. If I could change things for the better, I’d do it in an instant. No one listens to me.

People believe life is working a job to pay your bills, so that maybe eventually you can take a vacation. Well… sorry, you shouldn’t have to vacate your life to be happy! I’m not saying we don’t have to work, but we shouldn’t have to sell our soul and our years of living for a job that breaks us down and gives us nothing to show for anything. Not even the satisfaction of being able to take that vacation.

I’m a realist in terms of I get it we all need to work and it’s called work for a reason…. but fuck man, why do I have to spend my life, my one chance, my one set of years working to prove I’m worth someone else’s dime if I don’t even find the tiniest bit of pleasure or satisfaction in it?! Like what I’m doing is even worth the time spent doing it.

I’ve grown up being told I can be/do anything. Yet when I got here I’m told to suck it up, deal with it, or take responsibility for my life. Uh… last time I checked I was doing that. Last time I checked you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HATING EVERY DAY OF YOUR LIFE! What’s the point if not to find and pursue happiness?! Why do I have to keep sucking it up when the things that I’m supposed to suck up make me feel trapped, confined, unstable, reckless and annoyed? We all have our limits and we all have our moments but when you get to that point – why keep doing it? Just because a bill needs to be paid, yes responsibility. Point taken but when do you say enough? There is no perfect moment. Life is passing you and me by as I sit here and write this. I don’t understand why people don’t understand that life is more than a bullshit 9-5 job that pays the bills. Yes you need to live. Yes you need to pay the bills. I’m not denying that, but at what mental, emotional, psychological cost?

Why can’t jobs pay for us to live? Why is everything paid for on credit? Why after so many centuries have we lost sight of what this country stood for? It was about a chance at success. A better future. The American Dream was major. Now it’s a joke. Now we’re sitting here screwing any future we had and not taking responsibility for it. Yet the “kids” are told to suck it up take responsibility and deal with it — uh how about after you?!

I may not be a typical kid. I may not be a typical adult. I may not be a typical person. I know my mind is a crazy place and sometimes it sneaks up on me too.. but there has to be more to life than living for the man. This is my life – I want to live for me not for someone else. I may have misunderstood everything I was told growing up but the last time I checked…I was supposed to be guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, not welfare, medicaid, and the pursuit of a minimum wage job.