I know I ramble but it’s okay…

Want to know what I’m so worried about here? I’m worried about time passing me by and me wasting more of my life being unhappy and unable to feel alive. I get trying to save money and taking one step at a time, but sometimes you need to take leaps from the status quo in the opposite direction of what you have to really get somewhere or really understand what it is that you want and need. But in that moment of free falling you’re teased with the possibilities of freedom only to be yanked back into the confines of a life you never wanted to be a part of again.

What happens – you freak. So much is lost and nothing but the harsh realities and distant memories you begin to relive on a daily basis. So much is piled on you. But what do you do? Who knows? Time is all I have and I’m wasting it. Isn’t that the point?

Wasting your life in a way you find perfectly acceptable to you? Which in turn means you’re doing the exact opposite of wasting it…

If you’re not wasting your life in a way you are enjoying what’s the point? Why struggle for nothing? Why fight to lose? Fighting for a chance and taking a chance aren’t always winning battles and losing is still acceptable, but at a certain point when you know and feel that winning just isn’t going to happen and something better isn’t going to come along, when do you take matters into your own hands and force the hand?

For being in a place with no expectations of you what so ever is defeating, but being in a place that expects too much from you is disconcerting. Where do you find the balance? Where does that beginning really begin? Having high expectations at least gives you something to live up to… failure blows, but at least you know you tried.

I know I tend to write a lot about the same things and I’m sorry, I’m not sorry. I’d be a bit more dynamic, but I’m struggling with my current way of life. Maybe I’ve indulged too much in things that people shouldn’t. Maybe I’ve lived too many ways for any one single way to be acceptable for my own standards. Maybe I’m just too much of a ridiculous over achiever that it will never be enough. But when standing in the crossroads while looking at yourself in a mirror and you no longer see yourself staring back at you do you take the road that leads down the path you never wanted or do you take a chance and hope that it doesn’t ruin you even more than it did before?

Love, hate, lust, careers, life, success, happiness… everything comes at a cost of sorts. Everything has the potential to ruin you whether you let it consciously or subconsciously. If the thought of being ruined ever crosses your mind 9 times out of 10 it’s already happened.

You’ve already lost the fight against yourself. Giving in isn’t always a bad thing. Letting the fight kick your ass isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes you have to stop the struggle. Sometimes you have to just be. And sometimes that isn’t enough, but for today – today I guess it has to be.

I know I take a lot for granted and in the scheme of things there hasn’t really been anything wrong with my life, yet it isn’t anything I ever wanted for myself and changing it is so much harder than believed. Sometimes we all just need some help. Sometimes we all need someone that will prove to be there for us when we need them even if it is for a brief moment and then it’s gone. You never truly know what people are dealing with – don’t discount anyone. Don’t give in to the shit at every turn. When life gets you down let it, but always get back up.

I know I write a lot about the same things and I always say a lot, but sometimes I just have to do it for the solace of knowing I’ve said it to myself. Sometimes I just have to have the reassurance that this fucking sucks, but you’re going to be okay. You have to be… for your own personal contentment.. you have to be.

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Failure’s not flattering

People as well as I, tend to forget that failure is just as hard as success. That when you do fail or something doesn’t work out as thought – which is most if not everything in life- taking another chance and trying again is probably one of the hardest things to do. Outliving the feeling of failure and being able to try again is one of the biggest things I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. Maybe it’s the most recent failure that I’ve yet to get over… maybe it’s the fact that I feel like every chance I take I see another set back. Maybe I ruin it for myself. Who the hell knows.
I know that life doesn’t start in the middle because you have to begin somewhere. You have to start somewhere and the middle doesn’t usually fair well if you actually want to know what in the world is going on… but for once I’d like to feel like the efforts I’m making and the things I’m making myself endure for the bullshit of a paycheck are worth while.
I know I could have it so much worse and I’m not looking for a pity party… but I’m sick and tired of people telling me to deal with things or suck it up. Life isn’t for just dealing and sucking it up. Life is for living and I’ll be damned if someone else tells me how and what I should be doing unless they have a damn good reason for doing so… I haven’t ever needed more mental help in my life. I’ve been crazy and all over the place. I’ve been annoying myself. And I’m surrounded by people that just don’t get it. Again not looking for pity but shit man… something’s gotta give. Why is it that in a place with zero expectations of me can I never seem to become or be anything better than a personal failure?
Yes, I am my own worst enemy and yes, I battle my demons daily or so it seems, but it’s only gotten worse. Maybe it’s a first world problem and I know what I’m missing because I’ve been out in the world, but being out in the world is the only thing that makes me genuinely happy. I’ve written about everything I’ve mentioned above but this is seriously the most trying period I’ve had to deal with thus far. But is it too much to ask that I can finally get to the point of having somewhat of a career that doesn’t make me want to jump off a bridge or at least lets me afford to pay my bills and move the fuck out of my parents house for good and not for now…
My generation is so screwed up in so many ways and it is both our fault and not our fault. We haven’t made the world around us, but we have reacted to it. We don’t take relationships seriously anymore and I don’t mean of the romantic variety only. I mean any type of relationship you have with another person period. We can’t be there for our friends. We can’t relate to those around us. We don’t empathize or even attempt to care if it is inconvenient for us. We lose friends like we buy pants – excessively and at too high a cost. Yet we never seem to do anything different. So why is it that for someone who exists slightly out of the norm is so screwed? Someone that should be held at a higher value is cast aside and drop kicked.
Success is like anything else -it has to be earned and worked for, yet opportunity never seems to knock in even the slightest of ways. Have I become that blind and bitter because of my surroundings? Have I seriously lost that much of myself that I no longer know what happiness feels like? That I can’t find success because I’m too far into the woods? Sometimes I wonder and sometimes I know… I know that I don’t know what I want right now but the last number of times I tried something new it bit me in the ass… when does a chance pay off and when does the risk cease to be the determining factor? Walking out of your door in the morning is a risk but when will those risks ever really pay off? I know I need to make changes and I know that yet every time I try I get a curve ball to the face…yet I keep trying because I can’t stand to stay still. I’ve said it before that you can’t tie down the wind. I like the feeling of freedom. I like the feeling of being in control of my own happiness. I like the feeling of having someone by my side and growing and making a life/story together. Yet I can’t find one of those things in the world I currently live in. And maybe now isn’t the time for me to have those things, but when is enough enough? When do I get to regain the faith I once had in my own ability to succeed and no longer be wary of the failure?

Living in the shadow of discontentedness

So my writing and creativity as of late has been a bit nonexistent. I find that after all the shit I’ve been through and put myself through in the last year that now seems to be the hardest part. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed because depressed isn’t the right word. Stifled, contained, emotionally brain dead, mindfucked… I guess the list goes on further than I thought it did… but I wouldn’t say depressed. I’ve had crazy emotional and mental issues since I can remember. Happiness has never been something that I can hold onto for more than a few moments. Don’t get me wrong I have fun in almost everything I do but lately I’m just so exhausted.
I spend time living a life I can’t stand in hopes of being able to save enough money to make major moves to a life I can actually feel proud of. As of now pride is not something I have in myself. Neither is worth but that’s another story entirely. We all have our demons and we all have to work through our trials, tribulations and everything else. I have a lot of things that I know I take for granted at times. I know I haven’t truly suffered as some have, yet I can never find contentment nor happiness for more than five seconds. Happiness is a shooting star in the night sky and in a flash it’s gone.
Creativity and inspiration generally hits me at two times, when I’m really high or really low. Mental health and depression are real things. They’re painful. They’re not as explainable as some may think. People need each other. People need self worth and people need to find a way to be happy. Except people fuck other people up. It’s that simple. If I thought for one second this time last year I’d be sitting back in my old room in the city I grew up in still feeling like a failure and more worse off than I was when I left, I probably would’ve done some crazy things that would not have ended well.
I’ve been through a lot in the last year, yet it seems to be getting darker and darker. I was definitely not in a good state when I had left my “new life” but I’ve been more crazy, reckless and stupid than I ever have been since coming back “home.” I talk to people and friends and everyone does the same thing to cope and deal and it never ends well. We find ourselves not being able to live or even attempt to live the life we ever saw for ourselves. Call me a dreamer but there is so much more to life than a paycheck. Money is seriously not worth the mental instability. I started a job this summer that makes me reel emotionally all day long. So that when I come home I’m so freaking exhausted that all I want to do is sleep, yet I can’t sleep well because I’m too anxious and stressed for the day ahead that I can’t even relax.
When did life become such a rat race? Why are we breeding discontentedness? Why are we breeding a life with unattainable dreams?
I find myself surrounded by people that say they want something and then do everything in their power not to get it. The one person I’ve wanted more than anyone else in this world is fucking with my well being for his own personal gain and I have no control. Why do we allow this? Why as people do we allow this life to happen?
I know a lot of different types of people and I’ve been to a lot of different places. I know that I’m not most people but I still don’t consider myself anything special. I’m only me and that’s okay. At the moment I don’t really know who me is but I’m working on it. Sometimes I need to take a step back and take in the world around me because I know regardless life is never easy. But sometimes I just wish it weren’t so fucking hard. Sometimes you just want someone to be there for you and validate how you’re feeling as well as give you the fool’s hope that things will work out.
I’m a stubborn pain in the ass and if I want something I will find a way, yet I’m so filled with self doubt and fear these days that living is something that I’m doing in the shadows.

Mentally Exhausted

My writings of late have been few and far between. I started a new job and life has started shifting yet again this year. I get that I’m more not than likely to find a dream job in my 20s. Or at all – I get it – they call it work for a reason… But this job has been literally sucking the life out of me.

I’ve had a handful of jobs I can’t stand and jobs a monkey could do but never have I felt so stifled ever. I come home mentally exhausted having learned nothing, physically hurting from sitting on my ass all day at a computer and just all around tired.

This last year has shown me a lot of things aren’t as they seem. Before I felt so alive and in-tuned to things around me. Lately I’ve felt so blocked and held back. Trying to make a life for myself in a place I never wanted to end up back in is hard. Trying to get out is just as hard when money was the reason you had to come back in the first place.

I’ve gotten to the point where I know this year has been crazy and I know that I’m not the same person I was before. Love and lost love, friends and people who were a part of life, situations and complications, everything has changed. Some things needed to. Some things finally let up slightly. And yet the things I wanted back in my life were altered again to where I see this half-life forming in front of me without any power to stop it.

I’ll admit that I tend to focus on the bad more than the good. And that trying to keep the good in the forefront of my mind is anything but simple. But where do I go from here? What is the next step? And why do I have to deal and feel this way on a constant basis? I keep trying, yet am surrounded by a place that has zero expectations of me, yet passes judgement anyway. I have my own issues trying to combat the demons yet I still don’t know what I want or how to find it. Every time I gain some insight on direction – mental twist of fate.

It’s come to the point where I haven’t felt alive for so long that I’ve even wanted to go back to the time where I was having an anxiety attack everyday because at least then I was connected enough to feel something worth making a decision over.

I’m trying to look at things and build goals and get into the next part of life. The part where I get to have my own house. The part where I can attempt to provide for myself and possibly have a serious relationship that leads to something other than a break up. When does the time come? When does that new day dawn? I’ve had enough of going out, partying, trying to escape the inner conflict in my mind through any means necessary, but I can’t seem to find the like minded people anymore. I don’t know how to fix this or where to go from here. So many of the people in my life are in this place but why does it have to be this way? There are differences between temporary setbacks and insanity but when it comes to losing a year of your life because time doesn’t slow down what becomes of you?

I am my life’s story. I am my memories and things of my past. I have the potential to be whatever it is I strive to make myself into in the future. I am whatever story I want myself to become. Yet making any and all of this reality doesn’t cease to be a fairytale.

When do the walls and blocks come down? When does feeling alive come back to being the problem and not feeling so congested with life? Or has it come to the point where we live in a world that is no longer a place to shoot for our dreams because we just don’t know what that means anymore? Has the grey area finally won?