Living in the shadow of discontentedness

So my writing and creativity as of late has been a bit nonexistent. I find that after all the shit I’ve been through and put myself through in the last year that now seems to be the hardest part. I wouldn’t say I’m depressed because depressed isn’t the right word. Stifled, contained, emotionally brain dead, mindfucked… I guess the list goes on further than I thought it did… but I wouldn’t say depressed. I’ve had crazy emotional and mental issues since I can remember. Happiness has never been something that I can hold onto for more than a few moments. Don’t get me wrong I have fun in almost everything I do but lately I’m just so exhausted.
I spend time living a life I can’t stand in hopes of being able to save enough money to make major moves to a life I can actually feel proud of. As of now pride is not something I have in myself. Neither is worth but that’s another story entirely. We all have our demons and we all have to work through our trials, tribulations and everything else. I have a lot of things that I know I take for granted at times. I know I haven’t truly suffered as some have, yet I can never find contentment nor happiness for more than five seconds. Happiness is a shooting star in the night sky and in a flash it’s gone.
Creativity and inspiration generally hits me at two times, when I’m really high or really low. Mental health and depression are real things. They’re painful. They’re not as explainable as some may think. People need each other. People need self worth and people need to find a way to be happy. Except people fuck other people up. It’s that simple. If I thought for one second this time last year I’d be sitting back in my old room in the city I grew up in still feeling like a failure and more worse off than I was when I left, I probably would’ve done some crazy things that would not have ended well.
I’ve been through a lot in the last year, yet it seems to be getting darker and darker. I was definitely not in a good state when I had left my “new life” but I’ve been more crazy, reckless and stupid than I ever have been since coming back “home.” I talk to people and friends and everyone does the same thing to cope and deal and it never ends well. We find ourselves not being able to live or even attempt to live the life we ever saw for ourselves. Call me a dreamer but there is so much more to life than a paycheck. Money is seriously not worth the mental instability. I started a job this summer that makes me reel emotionally all day long. So that when I come home I’m so freaking exhausted that all I want to do is sleep, yet I can’t sleep well because I’m too anxious and stressed for the day ahead that I can’t even relax.
When did life become such a rat race? Why are we breeding discontentedness? Why are we breeding a life with unattainable dreams?
I find myself surrounded by people that say they want something and then do everything in their power not to get it. The one person I’ve wanted more than anyone else in this world is fucking with my well being for his own personal gain and I have no control. Why do we allow this? Why as people do we allow this life to happen?
I know a lot of different types of people and I’ve been to a lot of different places. I know that I’m not most people but I still don’t consider myself anything special. I’m only me and that’s okay. At the moment I don’t really know who me is but I’m working on it. Sometimes I need to take a step back and take in the world around me because I know regardless life is never easy. But sometimes I just wish it weren’t so fucking hard. Sometimes you just want someone to be there for you and validate how you’re feeling as well as give you the fool’s hope that things will work out.
I’m a stubborn pain in the ass and if I want something I will find a way, yet I’m so filled with self doubt and fear these days that living is something that I’m doing in the shadows.

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