I know I ramble but it’s okay…

Want to know what I’m so worried about here? I’m worried about time passing me by and me wasting more of my life being unhappy and unable to feel alive. I get trying to save money and taking one step at a time, but sometimes you need to take leaps from the status quo in the opposite direction of what you have to really get somewhere or really understand what it is that you want and need. But in that moment of free falling you’re teased with the possibilities of freedom only to be yanked back into the confines of a life you never wanted to be a part of again.

What happens – you freak. So much is lost and nothing but the harsh realities and distant memories you begin to relive on a daily basis. So much is piled on you. But what do you do? Who knows? Time is all I have and I’m wasting it. Isn’t that the point?

Wasting your life in a way you find perfectly acceptable to you? Which in turn means you’re doing the exact opposite of wasting it…

If you’re not wasting your life in a way you are enjoying what’s the point? Why struggle for nothing? Why fight to lose? Fighting for a chance and taking a chance aren’t always winning battles and losing is still acceptable, but at a certain point when you know and feel that winning just isn’t going to happen and something better isn’t going to come along, when do you take matters into your own hands and force the hand?

For being in a place with no expectations of you what so ever is defeating, but being in a place that expects too much from you is disconcerting. Where do you find the balance? Where does that beginning really begin? Having high expectations at least gives you something to live up to… failure blows, but at least you know you tried.

I know I tend to write a lot about the same things and I’m sorry, I’m not sorry. I’d be a bit more dynamic, but I’m struggling with my current way of life. Maybe I’ve indulged too much in things that people shouldn’t. Maybe I’ve lived too many ways for any one single way to be acceptable for my own standards. Maybe I’m just too much of a ridiculous over achiever that it will never be enough. But when standing in the crossroads while looking at yourself in a mirror and you no longer see yourself staring back at you do you take the road that leads down the path you never wanted or do you take a chance and hope that it doesn’t ruin you even more than it did before?

Love, hate, lust, careers, life, success, happiness… everything comes at a cost of sorts. Everything has the potential to ruin you whether you let it consciously or subconsciously. If the thought of being ruined ever crosses your mind 9 times out of 10 it’s already happened.

You’ve already lost the fight against yourself. Giving in isn’t always a bad thing. Letting the fight kick your ass isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes you have to stop the struggle. Sometimes you have to just be. And sometimes that isn’t enough, but for today – today I guess it has to be.

I know I take a lot for granted and in the scheme of things there hasn’t really been anything wrong with my life, yet it isn’t anything I ever wanted for myself and changing it is so much harder than believed. Sometimes we all just need some help. Sometimes we all need someone that will prove to be there for us when we need them even if it is for a brief moment and then it’s gone. You never truly know what people are dealing with – don’t discount anyone. Don’t give in to the shit at every turn. When life gets you down let it, but always get back up.

I know I write a lot about the same things and I always say a lot, but sometimes I just have to do it for the solace of knowing I’ve said it to myself. Sometimes I just have to have the reassurance that this fucking sucks, but you’re going to be okay. You have to be… for your own personal contentment.. you have to be.


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