It’s been a while since I’ve written anything and I broke a few keys on my keyboard, so typing has been a bit of a pain, but now that’s worked out so here goes…
It’s been a while since I’ve been in a place I actually want to be in. I’ve been trying to change the pace of my life and turn some things around. It’s been proving to be a lot harder the second time around in this city than the first was…whether it’s because I now feel like I’m really going at it alone or something else, I don’t exactly know.
What I do know is that the time has come again to leave. I find that this place sucks the life out of me completely. And motivation and inspiration are few and far between. I tend to be a lot more creative when I’m on an extreme end of the life spectrum. The last few weeks I’ve been in and out of the middle of the road, but it’s made me re-evaluate some life decisions. Sometimes balance is key.
Obviously at some point we all get to a place in life that we never expected to go. Whether it’s good or bad is irrelevant, but we’re always way more accepting of the good – and why shouldn’t we be? I’ve been back in my hometown for a lot longer than I expected and it’s brought a lot of things to the forefront of my life . It’s brought a lot of my past back that I hadn’t thought of in years and hadn’t wanted to really see again. It’s made me think back to when I was in college and felt like I had the world at my feet and the world was my oyster. It’s made me think about how much I’ve changed and haven’t changed since then. It’s made me think about what I need as a person from others and what I need as a person from myself. And the later has become the most important to me, as of late.
When you’re going through the years of your young life, you don’t usually stop to think why do I do these things, if things are going well. You tend to do it a lot more if things aren’t going well and you feel like you’re wandering in circles. But where do you find the motivation to change what you know and life as you know it to something you’d rather have it become? Life never goes where we think it will. I know I sure as hell didn’t see me being where I am now, having done the things I’ve done and not done other things along the way. But I’m not taking this as a defeat or going to succumb to being here for the rest of my life because I’m not giving in without a fight.
I know I write about a lot of things I have issues with when it comes to life and people and the world in general. I don’t necessarily expect to change the world because trying to make any mark in today’s society and have it be taken seriously and not entirely judged for even attempting to do so is a long shot. It doesn’t mean I won’t try, I just don’t think pulling it off is likely. I’ve been trying to get to a place in life literally and geographically that not only can I start a life for myself, but build or attempt to build a future. I have gotten so bogged down with what has actually come my way, I’ve forgotten the unjaded nature of my younger self – and I’m far from old. The one that wanted to live in states and cities all over the world. The one with ambition and a fool’s hope. And yes I think even a fool’s hope is worth exploring, because you get one life – live it.
Sometimes we all need to just take a step back, think of what we have, how we got here, where we want to go and what we need from and for ourselves to achieve the things we want in life. No one is going to go out there and get it for you. You’ll be damn lucky to even get a decent amount of help along the way. At least that’s my experience.
We all have our issues and our deal breakers when it comes to where we want to go and what we want to do. Depression and loneliness seem to be the real problems for me, but being surrounded by all the wrong people really brings it on home. We need friends, people need people. We need to sort out the good and bad from trial and error and sometimes we lose and win along the way. The same thing goes for jobs, apartments, anything really. But how do you find the motivation when you’re stuck on your issues, when you’re digging the hole deeper?
I can sit here and say that I’ve tried to read books and posts and even gone so far as googling what I think I want or even the literal words – figure out what you want – and I have to say that motivation and inspiration are what I currently lack in terms of my issues. I can say that I lack a true dream or a specific dream but at this point in time knowing what I want isn’t happening either. But changing my status quo so that I’m even content, let alone happy, not ridiculously lonely or depressed in my geographical setting and with my own personal self is the new goal. So I’m going to attempt to write about things a little differently moving forward. I’m working on my own personal perspective and trying to put the dirt back in the hole rather than shoveling it out. And we’ll see where I get in life in the next few months. Maybe it will be better than expected…