Again it’s been a while…a lot of the same old and a lot of things I had forgotten about have been coming up lately. A lot of realizations have been hitting me through the last few weeks and despite attempting to write pieces before this I haven’t had a chance to actually do it…So here goes.
I’ve been through a lot this year and absolutely nothing at the same time. I’ve moved in and out of my parents house to move back in. I lost a love that I still have to constantly see and my first love happened to resurface. It makes me think a lot about relationships, not only those with my past loves but my parents and friends. It makes me think of my relationship with myself. I’ve always been my own worst enemy but I also have a ridiculous amount of self awareness. Sometimes it’s a good thing but as of late, I’m pretty sure it’s only making things worse.
I’ve been reading a lot of random internet articles that highlight things about growing up in previous ages and times. Relationships, loves, goals, lifestyles. It makes me freak out a little more than I already have but it also makes me hope for something better out there.
Moving back in with my parents is a great and terrible thing. I love them, but I’m pretty sure we’d all like each other a lot more if I got the hell out and stayed there. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to be able to pay for rent and all the other bills I have. If it were up to me I’d be attempting to buy a house because every other major thing I’ve done thus far has never seemed or felt like it has payed off. For example, college – two bachelors degrees, a partial masters and a mountain of debt with nothing to show for it but frustration and an empty bank account. A house is an asset. It’s an instant pay off but it’s an investment. Yes things can go wrong but it is independence at it’s finest. It’s a place to call your own. It’s freedom. And seeing how I have no savings it’s going to be a long time coming for me to actually get a house. Which leads me to attempt building something else – a career.
Seeing how I’m not getting any younger here, I’ve been trying to take a different approach to a career. I want to build something rather than take random jobs that lead me to Depressionville in the land of Goodlucknexttimemoron. I want to lead myself to things like a house or providing for myself in a way I have not yet been able to achieve. But the opportunities in the places I have available to me really aren’t existent. So what do I do? Move? With what money? With what support system? With what job options when I haven’t actually done anything thus far that I’ve wanted to do in a career… The world out there is freaking hard. And I get it, it’s supposed to be, but to what freaking end? I’ve tried explaining this to my parents but despite any efforts, they still really don’t get it. The struggle is real, end rant, moving on.
This leads me to the relationships I have with my friends. I have some I love, some I could stand to lose and some I could stand to gain. That may be a bit harsh but if you’ve lived it or are living it you’ll get exactly what I mean… Sometimes you have friends because you’re wandering in the same circle at the same time. Well eventually you get to the point where even though you really care about them and don’t necessarily want to push them away, the circles no longer intersect. You’re now wandering in another place entirely and that place is a place that needs new people to share the journey with. That being said, I’m living in my hometown. A place I never felt I belonged and feeling lonlier and more alone than ever. Uh, no joke, people call me the mayor because of the amount of people I know, it doesn’t help. You can be surrounded by people, but if they’re the wrong people it won’t make any difference. I’m gonna ask you to hold the friend thought for a moment and insert the love part:
So relationships with loves past, present and let’s hope they don’t haunt my future -always interesting. My first love and I have a weird kind of relationship with each other. We both tend to disappear, but we always seem to pick up where we left off. Weird comfort zone meets you don’t meet your soul mate in a crib. We’ve been lifelong friends but never a part of each others’ daily lives. Yes, I know I’m gonna say it again, weird. After a few years of not speaking they popped back into my life. So far so good but now I’m dealing with the only two people I’ve ever loved in my life at the same time and I’m not sure if I’m okay with it. Both of my loves have been my best friend at one point or another, but we all share something… emotional unavailability. And yet because of it that’s why we work/ed until now. It’s wanting what you know you can’t have. It’s not being able to tie down the wind. It’s proving yourself wrong and seeing that this person can love you but proving yourself right because it’s never in the way you really wanted or expected it to be.
I started writing like this because I’ve been trying to change myself piece by piece. I want to have a written statement of things I’ve thought, felt, experienced. I have a few places I write but something like this allows people in the world outside of me have a voice about that I say and put out into the world. It makes me feel a little less alone. It makes me feel like I’m building something I can control that can’t crumble. This year has made me do a lot of things that I had never done before. Things that I never really thought I would do. And most of those things I would consider bad at this point, but I’d also consider them a bit of a lifeline at the time. It’s made me realize that my relationship with myself is a lot worse and better than I thought. Unpause the friend thought:
I’ve been talking to my friends from college a lot lately and have really remembered some things I have forgotten about myself. They know a completely different version of “me.” They knew and lived with and amongst someone so different than the person I’ve been living as now. And personally, I like the person they knew better. I’ve been so focused on the relationships with my parents, my literal situation, my friends, my loves, and trying to act like an adult that I’ve become more lost than I had ever been before. I lost myself. And maybe it’s because for the first time I don’t have a best friend of the opposite sex and it feels like something’s missing and a lot more has changed than I thought. But maybe not. Maybe I have completely lost myself. But at any point I did what I had to do for my own personal, mental, physical, whatever survival. Yes, I’m being dramatic but this is my life and who I am that I’m talking about. It’s made me ask myself how much of me is because of me and how much of me is because of someone else? Parent, friend, love…all of them. When did I lose the person I feel like I knew myself to be? Because right now I feel like it was about 4 years ago and that’s a damn long time to wander in the dark.
I’ve never been someone that’s had long term relationships, I just haven’t. And commitment is a bit of a foreign concept to me, but I don’t forget anyone I meet, talk to or let into my life (I think it’s my curse). I’ve been trying to stop repeating my past. I’ve been trying to change things I do. I commit too much to friends yet don’t know what it means in a romantic type relationship. I want to get into the next chapters of my life. I’m sick of feeling like someone who’s just completely winging it and flying by the seat of their pants in hopes of landing on something that won’t fall apart. But when you feel you’ve lost yourself, do you back track? Do you just try to move forward? Or do you realize that your entire life you’ve felt this way in the location you’re living in again and even now when you look back things are always better in hindsight than they were as shit was going down. Where do you go from here? Where do you grow from here?