Daily struggle of trying to get through a day when your mind reels…

I’ve been thinking a lot about myself lately and who, what and where I want to be in this life, in this world. If that isn’t apparent by the things I write then I guess I need to work on my delivery…That being said –  I think too much and I act too little. I tend to complain because I know what my issues and problems are, but the actual path and things to do to fix them usually tend to elude me. With the recent passing of a close friend of mine, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things in a different light.

I’m going to risk sounding like a broken record and say that it’s pathetic that it takes deaths and major life happenings for us to do something different or make some type of change that we’ve probably had to make for longer than we realized. But it’s that marker – that shift in itself, that makes things a little less hard to think about attaining. Things like losing weight and quitting smoking come to mind. That new year’s is that fresh start. Another chance. A gift not to waste. And of course we will always find ways to screw things up, but eh it happens. We can’t hold everything that doesn’t work out against ourselves otherwise we’d never get out of bed. And then we’d be mad about that too…

But it came to me last night that maybe we lose something as we age. Think about it. That fierce ambition and unjaded reality of a child or a teenager. You know – the person who sees all the things they want in life, that aren’t afraid to dream. The one that is hoping to go after anything and everything they can and grab life by the balls. The fearless force, the unyielding dreamer, the one who hasn’t been shattered yet. The one all of us seem to lose touch with at some point. The one we seem to fight off at others because this can’t be reality or truth. Despite all the things we want or want to be, one thing is always certain {other than death} and that is – life is not fair. We lose good people everyday. We lose those who give back and those worthy of remembrance. People are suffering and dying from things far worse than the things that I’ve seen in my life… Yet here, we take everything for granted.

We lose the child with the unjaded view of the world because the world turns it’s back on us and breaks us at some point. We hurt ourselves and others because we complain and do nothing. We trade doing something good for humanity or even for one other human, for reality television and facebook publicity. We drown ourselves in drugs and alcohol to escape the boredom and loneliness. We now think we’re entitled to possessions because the good, the value, and the worth were taken from us. We’ve devalued our needs in such a way that we can no longer think of anyone, but ourselves. We don’t know or deal with death anymore. We can barely get through life. We won’t make history for the great things we’ve accomplished together, our sense of pride in hard work or our great creations that changed life as we knew it for the better. We’re the internet using, tech savvy, smart phone abusers who know nothing of the world before the world wide web. We’re told we’re entitled and the only reason I can think as to why is because we’ve been given technological things and possessions and that is now where worth is formed. Yet, we can’t afford houses or to pay for health care. We can’t find jobs because we’re not only fighting our parents and peers for them, but they’re being outsourced. There’s not a whole lot left for me to gain in terms of possessions, and in that sense I am entitled, but I lack the fundamental things my grandparents had and the American Dream as I know it, is dead.

If I had a choice this would be the last place I would ever want to be in history. This society, this life, this is not my mark. But who am I? I am only me and that is enough, it has to be. I have to make my own stand. I have to make my own choices. No longer will I tolerate questioning my worth in someone else’s life. Or where I stand in terms of someone else’s feelings on a constant basis. I am taking charge. I choose to bring back that 15 year old that held a fearlessness that I’ve almost forgotten was there. I am going to take back what was taken from me due to the timing of my birth. I’m going to live my adventures. I’m going to find my happiness. I’m going to live and breathe my passions. I want to leave my mark. I want to live in the beauty and the good of the world. I want to – make – good, in the world. If I have to do it alone, so be it. I can’t handle the half life anymore. It’s time to move on and be the better person and be the change I want. It’s going to be hard. It always was going to be hard. It will continue to be hard no matter what. Either you stay stagnant and constantly struggle with monotony or you allow yourself to dream and if you get there you’ve earned it.

I know I have to stop standing in my own way. I need to allow myself to dream and hope for the life I saw for myself as a kid. Those dreams that were lost and shattered along the way, but never really forgotten. The ones that part of you still wants but won’t allow yourself to have. Stop with the guilt and disappointment of what if because if you get to the end of your life and you didn’t at least try – then what? That’s it. Time’s up.

Work on finding the answers, but know that life isn’t math and there isn’t an answer to the question life = . So find where you want to be and get there. Time is limited and good, bad, or otherwise you get one chance at a life. You have to be open enough to grow and have to grow enough to want to go after your dreams. For me – I want to get back out into the world. I want freedom and independence. I want to be someone I can look at in the mirror and say I am proud of what I’ve accomplished and of who I am. I know life is hard and it’s harder for a lot more people than I, but I have a choice. I can be a part of the Kardashian Kraze or I can be someone who brought good to the world. Someone that may not have a place as one of the greats in the history but someone that can say they lived their life and did anything they ever wanted to and more. That I was remembered as one of the good ones by anyone is enough – even if it’s my mom. The world deserves more good. The world deserves more good people. Despite all the extra shit in your life, in your mind, in your way, where are you going to stand?


Unexpected beginnings make you think

Never did I expect to start this year out this way. It’s a new year and all I’ve done is sleep, eat, drink and lay around. To say the least my year didn’t begin the way I was expecting it to. I received some news that a friend of mine unexpectedly passed away. A friend I had been with no more than a few hours before. They went home, fell asleep and that was it.

Knowing this person as I did the part that bothers me the most wasn’t that they were a volunteer firefighter, a loving parent, an EMT, a friend to all, a genuinely nice and decent person but that they left this world never feeling the passionate fiery love they held for someone returned to them. And I know this because it was a frequent conversation we’d had for about a year or so. They’d been in relationships but ones where there were too many games and not enough reality. Not one person has a bad word to say, yet where is the love?

This world is a cruel place and nothing seems to make sense anymore. Love, true and real love, seems to be only alive in myths. Yes it’s an emotion and maybe that’s asking too much of it but love barely happens anymore. We live in this world of divorce and instant gratification. Where happiness doesn’t ever seem attainable. Where self inflicted harm reigns supreme. Where debt and IOU’s are currency. And no one knows what they want, who they want to be, or where they belong.

We’re all screaming to be heard but no one can find the reason as to why. We hold no value in personal connection anymore. No value in truth or honesty, or even in love. And that may sound a bit naive but what else do you have to believe in? Wall Street? For it’s wealth, status, and a way to escape reality we barely survive in on a daily basis, in which we all seem to live. We hide from truths and the things we really need to be happy. We wait and hope for ways to change things about ourselves or our status quo 90% of the time. We use things like New Years to make mantras and resolutions. Why? Because change is hard. And without some type of marker it’s even harder.

But we’ve made it that way too. We’ve created the burdens on society in the form of technology. We’ve created a half life because of the Facebooks, Twitters and Instagrams of the world. We’re all seeking validation and popularity from people we most likely don’t even know. The world can no longer see the light because they’re too blinded by the backlight of our smart phones to do anything else. We’re lost. Totally and completely in the dark.

Much like I have been this last year and even a bit before then. But why is it that it takes something that hits us so close to home to realize that maybe it isn’t us that’s crazy. Maybe the world is and we just don’t know how to react anymore. As a society we lost everything that ever mattered to us on a primal level. And again – it’s pathetic to think that it takes death or major moments in our lives to make us see what really matters.

Things like family, a chance at success, at life, at love, and the pursuit of happiness. Yes – love – not liberty – because where’s the justice anymore? What justice do we know and live with in society? We believe in nothing. We fail ourselves. We’ve become the zombie apocalypse. We spend our lives sitting at desks to earn things we have a basic need for that we have to buy on credit. Food. Water. Shelter. We’re making our mark in history but it sure as hell isn’t a good one.

What are we doing if not completely destroying ourselves? We’ve corrupted everything about this country we live in. We abuse freedoms and form businesses. We abuse power and ruin people. We lost our self worth and gained a crippling chip on our shoulder. We used to be a force to be reckoned with, somewhere everyone fought to build a new life in, but we’ve singlehandedly cocked it up. We’re screaming for salvation, but we had it before we ever knew what it meant. It was a new chance at life. The land of the free. It meant following your passion and your heart. Being able to be someone and make your own fate if to or for no one else but yourself or your family. Having a future to look forward to instead of fear. Obviously there were flaws and nothing was perfect – far from it from the stories I’ve heard, but I can’t name one person I’ve ever met from the Greatest Generation that didn’t achieve what they wanted and enjoy their lives without the chaos of the world today. And I mean things like mental illness and depression, PTSD, everyone dying from cancer, some type of virus spreading year after year that everyone is afraid will kill them, being a fake number on a screen that is supposed to stand for your monetary worth. You get the point.

Yes, we now have bigger dreams, for the world is a seemingly smaller place and technology/advancement  isn’t all that bad, but the things that make up a life and make it worth it are still the same when you get down to the most basic, fundamental pieces. A chance at success, stability, a support system, love, something to believe in, happiness. So where did we go wrong? And what is it going to take for us to take back what was taken from us? How much deeper do we have to fall before do something about this hell hole? Are we going to have to lose all the good in this world before we finally make the changes we needed to make more than a decade ago? What then? What now?