So things in my life have finally been a little less hectic and yet this is the craziest week I’ve had in the longest time. I think I’m finally realizing that unless my life is a bit crazy I’m not really satisfied…
Sunday marked a year of me returning to my hometown in NY. To say the least it was a bittersweet moment. I miss that apartment and that city everyday. I miss the people in my life and the opportunity around me. I don’t however miss the emotional state I was in or the way I felt everyday. If I had a way to go back and do things differently I would but I don’t regret any changes or things I’ve been through. I can’t regret what I can’t change and I don’t intend to intentionally dwell on what I’ve lost in the mix.
I know I have my emotional issues and I tend to be a bit all or nothing when it comes to things, but this last week has brought some major shifts and changes that have needed to happen far before now. I finally have a chance at a job I’ve been trying to get for about five years. I have a job otherwise. I had a blow out fight with my parents and seemingly put the pieces back together more quickly than normal. I’m on good terms with all my friends and it looks like my best friend is making a return (which not only has me shitting my pants but makes me excited).
Things are finally giving in. Things are shifting in a good way. I finally feel like I have a reason to get up, even though I never want to actually get out of bed lol. I have a distraction and direction to go in everyday. But going through the motions never lasts for me. I can’t handle the balance of routine because routine unbalances me. I like and need change but as a person like anyone else, we all resist.
Happiness is a tricky thing. It needs to be worked on everyday. Happiness like depression is a state. We all have our pieces to put together. We all have our pieces that fall apart. We all want different things but I have to believe on a fundamental level to some extent we all want the same things. We all get in each others way and we all get in our own way.
It’s definitely been a journey for me this last year and I’ve certainly come a long way from where I was. To even attempt to get back to where I knew myself to be as a person let alone anything else…was to say the least a huge challenge. In fact I’m still working on it. I keep falling into the familiar when it comes to people but despite the toxicity things had at one point they just feel right at the moment. I’m hoping things keep getting better from here, but I still have a long way to go before I get to where I’d like to be. A long way coming and a long way to keep going. But for the first time in the longest time I have a clear head and a light heart. Let’s see how long it takes for me to screw it up lol. Here goes nothing.