A long time coming

So things in my life have finally been a little less hectic and yet this is the craziest week I’ve had in the longest time. I think I’m finally realizing that unless my life is a bit crazy I’m not really satisfied…

Sunday marked a year of me returning to my hometown in NY. To say the least it was a bittersweet moment. I miss that apartment and that city everyday. I miss the people in my life and the opportunity around me. I don’t however miss the emotional state I was in or the way I felt everyday. If I had a way to go back and do things differently I would but I don’t regret any changes or things I’ve been through. I can’t regret what I can’t change and I don’t intend to intentionally dwell on what I’ve lost in the mix.

I know I have my emotional issues and I tend to be a bit all or nothing when it comes to things, but this last week has brought some major shifts and changes that have needed to happen far before now. I finally have a chance at a job I’ve been trying to get for about five years. I have a job otherwise. I had a blow out fight with my parents and seemingly put the pieces back together more quickly than normal. I’m on good terms with all my friends and it looks like my best friend is making a return (which not only has me shitting my pants but makes me excited).

Things are finally giving in. Things are shifting in a good way. I finally feel like I have a reason to get up, even though I never want to actually get out of bed lol. I have a distraction and direction to go in everyday. But going through the motions never lasts for me. I can’t handle the balance of routine because routine unbalances me. I like and need change but as a person like anyone else, we all resist.

Happiness is a tricky thing. It needs to be worked on everyday. Happiness like depression is a state. We all have our pieces to put together. We all have our pieces that fall apart. We all want different things but I have to believe on a fundamental level to some extent we all want the same things. We all get in each others way and we all get in our own way.

It’s definitely been a journey for me this last year and I’ve certainly come a long way from where I was. To even attempt to get back to where I knew myself to be as a person let alone anything else…was to say the least a huge challenge. In fact I’m still working on it. I keep falling into the familiar when it comes to people but despite the toxicity things had at one point they just feel right at the moment. I’m hoping things keep getting better from here, but I still have a long way to go before I get to where I’d like to be. A long way coming and a long way to keep going. But for the first time in the longest time I have a clear head and a light heart. Let’s see how long it takes for me to screw it up lol. Here goes nothing.

I’ve always been a bit of a cheshire cat… my life is a disappearing act or so it seems

So I’ve always had the reputation of disappearing from the world every so often… apparently that holds true with my blogging as well – oops.

Not to be a broken record but – it has been a rough year. I’m really getting sick of saying that but eh, such is life. After multiple deaths, the cleaning of my now deceased grandmother’s home and the slew of friends that I’ve had to walk away from for personal reasons – life sent me a little reminder of a person I used to be. A person I was more proud of in every way. A person who hadn’t been as jaded by the world as I have now become. A person I was content (to say the least) to call me.

The person I used to be, the person I used to know, had disappeared. That person was lost along the way because of love, lust, fear, depression, anxiety, self loathing, ambition, and the list goes on but you get the point. This lost person has gone away before but usually rears their head when I least expect it.

Reminders like this are the reason I tend to not throw anything out. Everything has a memory. Everything has a feeling and a place in time for me in my life. And it’s these random things I’ve saved through the years that seem to help me out when I’ve seemingly disappeared or gotten lost in the dark.

I’ve lost myself in more ways that I’ve ever really known in the last five years. I’ve changed and shifted so many times in so many forms and have almost completely disappeared as I once knew myself. I’ve grown up a lot from the person I was in high school, college, grad school…and point blank I don’t like who I’ve become. Honestly I’ve been drowning in a sea of my own inhibition and doubts. I’ve been killing myself over things that I knew I never wanted in my life because I no longer knew how to exist without them. Some of these things are people. Some of these things are things. Some of these things are memories, hopes, dreams, fears or doubts.

Life gets messy. And I tend to be a bit of an in control manic person… Which if you don’t understand basically means that from the outside I look completely normal, I look in control, I look leveled out and somewhat content. But from the inside my head reels from extreme highs to extreme lows or completely nothing at all. It does this all day every day. Unless I channel it into being crazy busy and filling my days with people and things that I like. And if I throw any type of substance in the mix, the behavior tends to start to shift towards extremes as well. My mind is a dangerous place to say the least.

I’ve been reading a lot of my old journals and writings. I’ve been going through so much of my past in my head for days now and I really don’t understand how I got here. I mean I’ve questioned this once or twice and I do know the decisions that I’ve made that have brought me here but looking back – everything – that existed in my life from graduating college till now seems like such a crazy slue of events that blur together and don’t make any sense. I know there was a specific person involved that I loved and fell for. That I was toxically involved with, that I called my best friend. I still want someone like I had in that person and I still want to love and be loved but I still have to see that person every week and it kills me inside. I can’t even look at that person anymore. The one I knew and the one I felt so much for at any given time doesn’t exist either. They’ve been lost and they’re completely lost to me. But it wasn’t until I was reminded of who I was before that person came into my life that I realized how truly insane everything was. How insecure I was about everything. How with every day and every conversation we spent together I was falling deeper and deeper into a person I never knew was me. A person I never knew I was capable of being. I knew from the beginning that this person would ruin me because I just had this gut feeling that something was amiss. But to disappear to myself like I’ve disappeared from certain groups of people or locations over the years is crazy.

I’ve been through a lot with this person and they’ve made me grow and change in ways I wish I never knew I was capable of being. We all go through insane moments in life and we all lose ourselves time and time again. We grow, we change, we shift. But at the end of the day we have to find a way to take pride in just being ourselves. I’ve been struggling with what and who exactly I am these days. I’ve just about had enough of the insecurities but I know they’re far from over. Life is always going to be a work in progress as am I, but after a certain point do you ever stop doubting your own existence in this world or are you doomed from the start? I keep disappearing in all kinds of ways, literally and figuratively, but where I’ll end up the next time I disappear I know not. And despite being lost in all the insanity and toxicity sometimes it’s just good to know that you aren’t in it alone. But for now, I think I’m back, maybe. Haha.