We’re all mad here

I want the stupid fairy tale. I want the happily ever after. Does it or could it ever exist? Most likely not but there has to be something better than a 9-5 life. We’ve changed the way so many things exist. We’ve changed the way the world we know it interacts with each other. We’ve lost so many things with the age of technology being what it was as we grew up and we’ve gained a lot of other issues as it seems.

We all yearn for something, connection, success. I’m sitting here looking at postings of a graduation I should have been a part of yet I chose to leave that path. I’m constantly reminded everyday what I gave up, what I lost and what I chose. Making decisions and choices aren’t always the hard part.. the hardest part is living with the choices you make.

I might have to relive my thoughts and choices in terms of what I did last year to leave but at this point I know that wasn’t my path, that wasn’t my life. Knowing and feeling the way that I do, that life was never mine to have. It was never mine to experience fully. Yet another place I didn’t belong. I was exposed to it like a nerve. I wanted it. I needed it. But I couldn’t push through and for once in my life everything was too much. I paid a huge price for it. I made a choice I was very reluctant to make and now I know that things make such a difference to me now.  But here is where I lost myself first and here is where I found myself again. If I could have done it in a different way believe me I would have, but that wasn’t entirely my choice or of my doing.

People come in and out of your life, you as a person go in and out whether you really know it or not. I finally got to the point where I could look in the mirror and see me again. And that was a good feeling for the five seconds it lasted. But I’m curious, where do we go from here? Where do we progress? Because knowing what I know and how I feel doesn’t change the circumstance of my existence. I know I’m the only one that can make things happen for myself but still… going it alone isn’t always a good thing. But what I really want to know is, are we all searching for something that no longer exists? Are we trying to find the good and exciting in the madness of the world or are we the mad ones and the happily ever after success story is only a figment of our imagination?

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