Life is a disappearing act

Everyday I get up, go to work, go home, lately I’ve been working on my website and other projects with people to build a better portfolio, but not a day goes by that I don’t wish I spent more time writing. I keep starting and stopping my blogging.  I have stories that flow through my mind all day long and time lately has been disappearing on me.

A lot of things have changed within myself the last few months. Definitely changed over the last couple years or so… but I tend to be way more organized – mentally – when I write.

I used to post when I was inspired or angry or felt something towards a topic. I will generally do the same this time around, but I may throw a random creative story in here and there. With that being said I’d love some feedback if anyone out there is reading and has anything to say.

I’m still trying to figure out this “real world” thing lol. I’m trying to re-figure myself out these days. I’m getting closer to 30 than 20 and the things I wanted even a year ago don’t entirely make sense. What do you do when the place you live is the exact place you shouldn’t be? But you don’t have the means to just pick up and leave despite every single fiber of your being telling you that it is the worst possible idea to stay here.

Disappearing into the unknown has been good for me at times but I’m not spirited in the way I once was. I’m more jaded and fear has gotten a hold of me. Everything about my life here is wrong, but everything about making a life somewhere else is uncertain. How do you get yourself to take another leap of faith when the – you – that you once knew disappeared into the shadows? You know… the person you knew yourself to be, the one you were content with being, but still had room to improve. That person has become lost to me over time and relationships with others. And recovering the missing pieces is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m trying things to change my situation (almost daily if not multiple times some days), but I have no idea what I want or where to go from here anymore.

The people around me really don’t understand, they’re all at different points in life, they “belong” geographically where we are, work wise they’re satisfied with their careers. I’m in the opposite boat. I’m in a world where I’m not inspired or motivated to be better because better won’t happen here. I’m my own worst enemy, but I’m also the one who won’t give up. When time just keeps passing you by and you’re no closer to getting what you wanted or even what you thought you might want some day, what do you do? Where do you go from here? How do you stop the disappearing act?