How quickly it turns -the time.
Changes ways.
How quickly friends become strangers.
Lovers are lost.
Prior selves become stories and memories of someone that we used to know.
Well at least until that moment where it all seems to culminate…
You know that moment.
The one where you’re standing on the edge of a cliff
about to swan dive into a lake you don’t know the depth of…
Where is choice if not within?
To take a leap of faith or stand and watch.
Well, sometimes all you have is reaction and after thoughts.
Logic and reason are thrown aside.
So how did we get here?
I don’t know – you tell me.


The paradox of choice

I started an article a couple weeks back where I started explaining how I tend to always be at different extremes within myself. I have the creative dreamer side that wants to go off into the world and explore, paint and photograph anything and everything I see. Then I have the logical realist side that wants to go into business, run a company and make a ton of money, so I can have a stable environment, the ability to say I’ve achieved great accomplishments and eventually indulge my creativity.

The problem with choosing a side? I never know which “one of me” will come out on any given day. I like both sides and the way you can’t have dark without the light tends to be how I feel when I think about myself.. I can’t have the logic without the creative. But then you’d think that somewhere in the middle would be best… but the problem with being somewhere in the middle is it never seems like it’s enough.

I consider myself to be an intelligent person and someone who is very self aware, but I tend to always be the one to sell myself short. I’ve always been and always will stand in my own way. But it wasn’t until recently that I realized how much I’ve already done in my 25 years… I’ve traveled to 8 countries. I’ve been in another country in which I don’t speak the language completely alone and didn’t freak out, ironically I liked it. I received two bachelor degrees in three and a half years with honors. I’ve lived in multiple cities in multiple states alone. I’ve written half of a book – still in progress. I’ve had plenty of jobs I do and don’t like.  I’ve owned a car. Paid my bills. Read countless informational things on the internet in hopes of learning how to do this whole “adult” thing.. only to find out no one really knows… I’ve been in a commercial and on television. I’ve performed on stages in Hollywood at Disney and Universal as well as Pearl Harbor. I’ve stood in history and been in complete awe of my surroundings in multiple places. I’ve been on top of the world and in the depths of hell (metaphorically). I’ve visited about half of the 50 states and it does go on as does everyone else’s. I know people who’ve suffered greatly and live their lives in such a way, that I just have to sit back and be in awe of their nature. I don’t disregard anyone’s hardships, but I’ll narrow mine down to something along the lines of first world problems.

My biggest first world problem leaves me with choice paralysis… It’s a question that you’re first asked when you’re in kindergarten and still asked when you’ve think you’ve become an adult… “What do you want to be when you grow up.” Honestly, I know that things grow and change as we grow and change and it’s come to my attention that despite what we think, as humans we always underestimate change (and how much we’ll actually change). I don’t mean only on a physical or emotional level, I mean everything, values, wants, needs, beliefs, everything. We also are a product of all of the things we’ve experienced and done throughout our lives. But I still don’t have an answer to this question.

I know what I like and dislike, but I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. I have so many options that I can’t decide. And if I take a chance and make a decision, how do I know it’s the right one? I’ve taken a leap of faith recently and the fall out of that choice left me entirely shattered. I’ve finally gotten past the aftermath of wanting to go back to how things were in the beginning when I left and went to Boston vs. how they became when I left Boston and returned to New York State. But that wound is still there. I’ve tried a few different things this last year and I’ve done a lot of things I did and didn’t like. As I write this my parent’s voices ring in my ear “you have to have a job, you have to pay your bills.” Yes, yes I know that’s true. But when you’re in a position to be so unhappy because you keep taking jobs you “have to” to get by… where does that leave you when it comes to choice? It leaves you afraid to make one. And like depression and anxiety- fear is a bitch.

As if a life changing decision or even a concrete decision wasn’t hard enough to make knowing what you know about yourself, knowing what you’ve been doing isn’t working in the slightest, and knowing that the last leap of faith you took pummeled you into the ground – how do you make a decision?

How do you narrow down what you want to do with your life in terms of a career? I can read anything and everything I want on the internet to help myself choose what I may want to take a chance on but that doesn’t leave me with success. I can try this job and that job and just take what I can get and hope I get by but that’s never been the kind of person I am. I want to be out in the world and I want to take charge if not only of my own set of circumstances… But how the fuck do I do that without taking another blind leap or even a baby step in hopes I don’t get my ass handed to me again? I’m sick of being afraid but I know that if I ever had the chance to leave this place again I’d do it in a heartbeat if I knew I didn’t have to come back… but if I ever had the slightest chance of having to move back here devastation isn’t a strong enough word.

So does anyone out there know how to help me be a little less like Dorothy asking the Scarecrow which way she should go? And while I’m on the subject less like the cowardly lion as well… how do you take another leap when you can’t make a choice? How do you make such a major choice when you can never fully commit to something because the things you’re debating you don’t tend to know if they’re “right” until you do them… Where do you find balance in the extremes? How can you choose which path or which self? Is it even possible?

The Dangers of Loving the Wrong Person

Can we go back to the time when we knew each other best? When we’d sit under the stars and contemplate life’s mysteries? When we’d be surrounded by people and only care about each other? That feeling was there despite what it “wasn’t…” and it surely wasn’t. But it was so much more.

Why can’t you be from one of my fantasies? The one to truly live up to potential and personal expectations. How did we end up here and where do we go? Forever defeated over the memory of our past. Thus overthrown by the victory of our heads that the hearts are left there on the floor to bleed with the love that once flowed through the veins of our mere existence.

Perished are the times we’ve spent meaning anything more than friends and done is the era we knew so well and loved so dearly. But all things must end and we too shall perish. But why like this?

So many times I’ve wanted to go back to before the days of you. Before I ever knew life could be this way. Before I turned into someone I never knew I could be and someone I have now grown to hate. Before I unrealizingly gave up my world for yours. Before I left myself be defined by someone who doesn’t even know themselves enough to admit when they do or don’t have real feelings for someone.

I’m done proving my worth to you and I’m done spending any more time thinking it’s okay. It’s not. I’m not. I’m not letting this stranger take over again. You prove to me time and time again how worthless I truly am in your life. It’s finally time to say enough and mean it. You’ve hurt me for the last time. It stopped being okay a long time ago and many a time have I said “I’m done, I can’t do this anymore.”

But this time… this time is where I finally leave you to rot. To suffer as I have. As you’ve proven I’m not only expendable to you, but the mere memory of anything we once shared is completely tarnished. The first to ask me to stay but the first to treat me as a stranger. The first to come to me but also the first to write me off. I will be abused by you no longer for the mere memory of you no longer exists as it once did. Wishing it was different is something of the past. A past we have, the future nonexistent.

You’ve done it. You’ve driven me to hate you and hate can only be driven from love. It’s too bad love had to be pushed that far.

Oh the tangled choices we make… or don’t make

I’ve always considered myself a wanderer. Going out and exploring the world around me. Getting lost on purpose only to find my way back. I’ve always been a knowledge seeker. A problem solver. Reading and looking up information just for the sake of knowing the answer to any random question. For the sake of knowing the answer no one else knows.

But this doesn’t apply to every facet of life….Don’t get me wrong… It works in the majority of life and believe me it tends to complicate things along the way because it stops you from taking too much bullshit or taking too much outside information in… until you realize you’re a million miles from where you hoped to be. You’ve lost a year of your life recovering from exactly who you became and had to refind who you are down to the very essence of being.

So many times I’ve started writing book after book only to love the beginning and then get stuck because I have to delve into the depths and the void isn’t where I needed to go back to just yet. I needed to go forward despite all efforts to hold onto where I thought I was. I needed to grow and grow up despite any resistance from those around me or from myself. But the problem is there’s just so many god damn choices in this life to make. And it isn’t about the choices. It’s about the consequences of those choices, with which we have to live. It’s the consequences of the choices we did and didn’t make that make up our lives. And I mean major choices like having kids or a family or moving to another state/country or joining the peace corps.

With that said….

I’ve always been two extremes within myself. The creative silly character that likes acting, painting, partying, dicking around…. And the hard headed realist that is highly logical and wants to be the best at what I do in every way. But either way I seem to be the one who is never expendable once I’ve had my chance to “get in.” Which doesn’t ever seem to take very long. (I still can’t get some to leave my life despite my best efforts). I’m the old world soul in the new world. A world where I can grow up to be anything I want and as childish as it sounds I still believe I can be anything I want. Because if I don’t believe it who will?

The next issue…

Which option do I choose? Which choice do I make? Can I ever be satisfied if I’m always trying to be the best? What do you/I give up in one aspect in order to gain in another? Is there a compromise?

For me – personally and personality wise there is not a good middle ground. It’s either one side or the other.  It’s not that I can’t compromise. It’s that when I choose a middle I then lose both sides. So where’s the risk worth taking? What am I willing to sacrifice in order to get what I think I want in the mean time? Where and when (and if) does the universe take over? Fate. Destiny. What have you. Where do the energies of the world play a part?

I know that sounds silly but if you’ve had any experiences in life like I have you’d understand the point of the energies of the world. It’s just a point of contentment where everything makes sense and where you are mentally, physically and metaphysically at your best. It doesn’t mean you’re happy or sad because you could be either… It just feels right all the way around. But the fallout leaves you knowing that it was all entirely real. But I’ll save those for the next story…

But in all seriousness where the hell is my fairy godmother to help me with my career choices?! Or the genie with my wishes? Shit – what do you mean it doesn’t work that way? Back to the drawing board I guess… I  know I rambled about all kinds of random things that were on my mind but they make sense to me. So my question to you… how do you decide which choices to make and which consequences you can stand to live with?