To know where you’re going you need to know where you’ve been…

That moment you look through old photos and start to look back on your life. You go through people you once knew, not very well but you were new to this whole thing – college. A new city, a new state, new people, new feelings. How quickly we forget how we felt in those moments. How we really felt in those moments. They say that when you remember something, you’re actually remembering the last time you remembered it. Which is insane, but interesting at the same time. It means you can change your feelings about anything based on how you feel about it in the next moment you remember it. Manipulation at it’s finest. Keep that in mind, but that’s another story for another time.

I’ve been thinking about going back to school in hopes of actually finding a career. I have two bachelor’s degrees, but because of some past shit I may or may not be able to. I’ve left my hometown yet again but it isn’t really working out so I’m trying to make another decision.
Bring me to this morning and I’m reminded of what I’ve been missing in my life. I’ve been missing the new and exciting. The thrill of really being somewhere new. Of being forced to go out and live. But also being surrounded by people so I have a chance to meet some friends. And that’s it – the difference between moving somewhere as a college student and moving somewhere as an adult.
I’ve always said that to know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been and I’ve forgotten exactly that. I’ve let the bullshit of things that really don’t matter take over my life. I mean they matter but not with the emphasis I put on them.
Life is messy. It’s far from black and white. We are people. We shift and change and grow and sometimes growing means growing down and not up.  I’ve been yearning for something I know and have an insane, intense relationship with – my hometown. It’s not that I’m homesick, at least not in the traditional way. But I’ve been trying to take the easy way out. I’ve been trying to go back and it seems that I hadn’t gone back far enough. I had to go back to the first time I ever really left and that made all the difference.
I had to go back to before I was so jaded by life and what was going on. To a time when the world was still new to me. I have to believe that that’s why  people had roles and traditions in society. Now we throw caution to the wind in hopes to move forward and society is failing itself. I mean I know traditions have flaws but honestly… there are milestones in life for a reason. They make us who we are at that point in time. They keep things that are new and exciting. A relationship, a marriage, a family, a house, a life with your family and around your family and I mean extended family. People knew and were open to committing. And I mean committing to jobs and careers as well as people and relationships. And yeah it didn’t always work out and yeah things were messy but we’re people. There are so many things I feel like I’m missing in my life. Some of it is me and some of it is the world around me.
I sit here trying to figure out myself as usual and I know how much I’ve changed and shifted over the years and I know I’m not done. Any time I seek knowledge and something new, I’m not done growing or changing. But how does this effect my perception? Of me? Of the world around me? We quickly forget ourselves at our best and worst eventually because we constantly have new bests and worsts. We all change. We all have a past and some sort of future. We all have to build it ourselves. So where am I going? I have no idea, that’s some thing I have to figure out on the way there… but where are we going as society and is it better than where we’ve been?

Land of Confusion

I really need to work on writing more, but my life has been all over the place. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to clear my head and figure out what I want.

I took a risk and moved to another city.  A city I’ve lived in before but as another version of myself. I’ve taken time and space from where I grew up and I’m very happy to have done so but I think this time I do actually want to go back. I have an idea in my head about what I want to do in life and where I want to go. We all have some kind of plans for ourselves right? Whether they work out or not is another story entirely. But they’re there.

When I made the decision to leave my hometown and go back to the city I went to college in for my bachelor’s degrees… I knew I didn’t want to stay there. I knew I wanted it as a stepping stone. I also knew that in my gut it just felt right. Everything happened quickly and that was that I was here.

A month in and now I have different insight. I’ve gone back and fourth and driven those around me insane… or I at least feel that way… in terms of what I want to do. But as of late I’ve also become a lot more aware of who and what I had become and it wasn’t someone I liked. I know if I go back to my hometown I have to be conscious of making sure I do make changes and I do progress as opposed to sinking back to where I knew I was. I realized that I would rather spend another year or two living in my hometown to later move somewhere I intend on staying for more than five seconds and actually put down roots than stay here. I would rather grow and learn and adapt in a way I know that I need to, to test myself, rather than just running away from everything because it was easier to pull myself out of the equation than it was to solve it.

This has been a long time coming for me and even if I do what I say, things won’t go as planned. Face it – nothing ever goes as planned. But I think I finally have a direction I can be happy about. I think I finally have a direction I can be proud of… let’s see how long this lasts. Bets?

Trials and Tribulations of Moving Through Life

Nothing in life is ever easy. And as the saying goes, nothing in life worth doing is easy. Well I’ve been in a new place about a month now and it’s definitely been hard. Apartments not working out, job not working out. I finally feel like I got a chance to do something I think I’m going to like and it blows up in my face. Surprise.

This is not a defeat, but it certainly makes things different. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life I’ve asked myself why I wanted to leave my hometown as well as why I’d want to go back. The answer usually started with “because I’m miserable here” but this time as much as I wasn’t happy where I was, I haven’t been happy where I’ve gone either. So, what happens when you make a decision that doesn’t entirely work out… you don’t know if you want to go “back,” but you don’t know if you want to stay here… Hello Limbo. Another choice to make, another decision to figure out. The cycle continues…

Moving and starting over is hard and I’m no stranger to any of it, but this time has definitely been different. This time I’m definitely different. Which leads to the question – how many times do you think you’ve changed as a person? I’ve spent more time realizing and analyzing the answer to this question than one probably should. I’ve realized I’ve become a completely different person than what I ever deemed possible. This isn’t entirely good but it is what it is.

I’ve (constantly) gone back and fourth about what I want over the last handful of years. I’ve made some things work for a while and I’ve made other things burn out. But sometimes we have to do things and try things because they’re worth trying and doing. Whether we realize it or not there’s usually a purpose. Even if it leads you back to somewhere you never realized you left.

I’ve been driving myself insane over the last month trying to figure out what I want to do and if I want to stay here. I still haven’t found a place to live and I don’t want to keep the job I have. I’ve applied to a ton of jobs both where I moved and from where I came. I’ve had interviews in both places but I’m now playing the waiting game. And already I’ve seemingly moved on to something else. I’ve changed. Again.

I’ve realized that a lot of what I had become back in my hometown was nothing and no one I wanted to be. I’ve known that for a while but I wasn’t aware of how lost I really was. I knew I was lost. I knew I was drowning. But I didn’t realize was the initial point I had lost everything I knew about myself. The first decision that started the change that time. I’ve grown and changed multiple times since but I always ended up back in the town I grew up in with nothing to show for anything and no desire to be there. So I left, again.

I had to take the risk. I had to take the chance. But now I’m back to the idea I had a little over a year ago. And it makes me laugh because I’ve had hints all my life about pursuing this path, but so far, my track record with pursuing anything really isn’t a great one. I keep trying and I keep working towards who the hell knows what, but it’s in progress… I am the epitome of try, try again, but I can honestly say the only thing I’ve failed at is finding something I like to do everyday. At this point I have no idea what I’m going to do other than some more research. I’m always constantly reading and working on me, but every time I do – me – isn’t the same. We move through phases and versions of ourselves like we can change cities. We all have strengths and weaknesses and depending on location or situation, either side can come to the forefront. No one really has the answers but us, for us. And if we don’t know or aren’t sure, then we need to find a way to be sure or move on to the next idea.

Sometimes it takes going back to move forward. Sometimes it takes breaking the routine and forcing a new norm to make changes you didn’t even realize needed to be made. Sometimes it’s as simple as being nicer to ourselves. I’m going to quote two movies that pretty much define life for me at the moment… “Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while you might miss it” and “Life is like a box of chocolates, cuz you never know what you’re gonna get.” Yes, Ferris Bueller and Forest Gump. Life isn’t ever what you expect it to be and even when you’re in your deepest darkest demonic hole or in the brightest happiest state of mind things tend to pass you by a lot quicker than you think and only you have a decision to make, so what you gonna do about it?