I made it to Arizona last night. This is definitely happening. As I sit here on my Uncle’s porch basking in the warmth of the desert sun I can’t help but pinch myself. Is this really happening?
Cleveland was fun and a great way to start this trip across the country. I forgot how much fun I could have with my Boston friends. I miss people like them in my life. From there I went to Nashville and had a love affair with the city. I definitely need to go back. I met up with an old high school friend and it brought back a different perspective. Good times and good vibes all the way around. It wasn’t until Arkansas that I lost my shit.
Then a storm to match my loneliness and anger joined me. Somewhere in Oklahoma all I could hope for was that a tornado wasn’t coming my way. As lightning lit up everything for miles >crack< lights on, lights off. As easily as the light went on and off I tried to see the land around me and at the very least, the road. I pulled over for lack of clarity.
Shortly after, Oklahoma was a mere memory. Then Texas passed into the distance, through New Mexico and onto Arizona. I spent about 17 hours in the car, but I was determined. Arizona was on the horizon and despite the darkness that surrounded me I knew I was going to make it. I got to hang out for the weekend and take Easter as my new beginning.
Tomorrow I embark on LA. I still don’t believe this. Everything has changed. All that plagued me was left on the highway. The journey I was previously on has ended, but this one has just begun.
As freaked out as I am about all of this and as much fun as I had the last two weeks at home, it was more than time. This is my time to claim my dreams for myself and it’s time for me to take on the world.
Times are always changing and I’ve found that despite living most of my life dwelling on the past, leaving it behind is now going to be my best shot at finding happiness in the future.
I depart on a cross country trip tomorrow with out that proverbial or literal safety net. I’m going into the world in an unconventional way and hoping to find a way to make my dreams come true. So long have I waited to actually do this because I wasn’t allowing myself to want it. So long have I waited to find somewhere I belong and want to be in every way. So long have I waited to truly start to let go of the crap from those around me at “home.” Letting things go hasn’t always been an easy thing for me to do. Letting people go has been even harder. But it’s time. The wait is over. I found that place and I’m more than ready to be a part of it.
I finally started to regain myself as I knew me to be. I am not going to let someone else take over that person again. I had a glimpse at my past this last week and I am so very happy to be leaving all of it behind. So many insecurities that I no longer want to be a part of my life because they just aren’t okay for anyone to feel, let alone your best friend being the string puller are done being a part of my life.
So the time has come. I’m venturing out without looking back. Into the void of possibilities and with hopes of achieving. Knowing this is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve probably ever had to do but I do have to do it. I have to do it for myself. I have to know I can.
The last few years have proven to be difficult to say the least. I’ve watched myself become someone I never wanted to be and I’ve watched myself delve into the depths of my hell and come out on the other side. Life is hard, life is harder when we don’t actually go after what we want.
I’ve always been the one to go after a challenge but I’ve never exactly been the one to “see the easy way” either. Or take that route for that matter. I tend to be the one that makes things harder on myself, but a lot of it has to do with the way I am. I’ve been accused of being a very intense person and I take full responsibility for that. I am intense. I am passionate. I am opinionated. I am stubborn. I have a lot of anger, but I have a lot of love as well. I am who I am and I am more than okay with that person.
I have finally gotten back to a place in my life that I was so comfortable in as a teenager – I know me and I don’t care about what those around me think. I don’t care about what they think I should do because even though I may not know what’s “best” for me… I’m the only one who has a shot in hell of being able to pick up the pieces when things don’t go my way. Whether that approach isn’t a good one or not, it happens to be the approach I know.
I’m not a wealthy person, I’m not a poor person. I’ve accrued a lot of debt “taking the right path” and I’ve lost many parts of myself along the way. Some needed to be lost and some needed to be re-found. I’ve finally decided to stop trying to make things that I really don’t want fit because I don’t see how my “dreams” could truly happen. But now I’m taking matters into my own hands and believing in myself enough to know that one thing about me other than being stubborn and opinionated is that I always find a way.
Despite being a bit rebellious or crazy in the sense that I’m still trying to figure out this new normal, I’m beginning another journey to where I want to be geographically, mentally and emotionally. I’m crossing this country alone in hopes to take the dream I’ve had since I was ten and make it a reality. I will not take no for an answer and I will no longer stand for living in a place I don’t feel I belong, surrounded by people that will never really be my friends. I’m bigger than the world I currently live in and it is time to take my rightful place in it.