Los Angeles Chronicles: part 2

“It takes ten times more time to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart.”

I’m not usually one to post quotes as I like to write my own, but this one is too fitting not to. I’ve been falling apart for what seems to be as long as I can remember. My life became this alternate reality of me and the world around me. A lot of it has to do with misdirected love for someone who couldn’t admit they loved me too -call me naive but I know they loved me (either way it’s over now). And a lot of it has to do with me letting a lot of held back emotion out all at once. That much isn’t over.

I’ve had to learn to be this new person. I’ve watched myself become someone I never thought I would be. I watched myself turn into a shadow of the person I once knew. I am still a work in progress but moving was the first step in taking back myself for myself. However, despite knowing I’m doing the best thing for me and this is a dream I’ve had for myself since I was about 10 years old… how do you deal with what you were without having some time to truly let it go?  Why do you miss what you had when you know that the future is that much brighter and that much better because it means you’re finally fighting for the right thing? I don’t mean the life I fell over and never wanted but ended up being such a big part of but the life I wanted more of but couldn’t keep because despite it all it never felt real. Why does it seem better there than here, when you know it isn’t? They made you expendable. They weren’t there when you fell apart. They weren’t there when you tried to put the pieces back together. Why do you look at hindsight through rose colored glasses?

When you’re standing on the verge of a new start, a new life, a new state of being, why fuck with the past? Why fuck with the past when the future holds a life without strings, a live you chose for yourself to lead? When do you let go of who you were, to become who you are now? Where does the paradigm of self shift to align with the life you now choose to live? When are the pieces truly put back together?

I keep asking me these major questions because as much as I love the place I’m in and I love my apartment and I love everything about being here and it feels so right, all I can think of is the person I shouldn’t be. And the reason I shouldn’t be is because they aren’t worth the time anymore. The people around me and the person I became aren’t worth the time anymore. The others had their years of chances and now it’s my turn to have mine. So why can’t I let go? I’m only human and I get it but ironically 3,000 miles still isn’t enough to get them out of my head.

Time will tell and I don’t know maybe I just need a hobby or I really do need to finish that book, but I guess as the quote goes, maybe I am down to 9 more times left of putting the pieces back together. Maybe I’m further along than I believe, maybe all I can do is have faith in myself, but I have to believe that someday my mind won’t be used against myself, by myself. Maybe I need to learn how to not be my own worst enemy. Maybe that piece of the puzzle isn’t ready to be placed yet and all I can do is keep going. Keep going.

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