Feelings, feelings everywhere

I’ve never been one to do well with feelings and emotions. More often than not I find myself repressing anything and everything and trying to push things like feelings away. For as long as I can remember I’ve had these issues and in the last two years that’s been beginning to change.

I’ve always been an intense kind of person. Willing to do what I need, when I need. To stand up for myself and to be the only person I can count on despite anything else. I grew up in a house that had married parents, one of the very few of my friends to have them. They loved me and cared about me as most do, but they couldn’t ever give me what I wanted from them. Acknowledgement and emotional support. Every step of the way from kid to teen to young adult I’ve tried to deal with the insecurities I’ve been harvesting my entire life. And I know I’m not alone in this.

I can finally admit certain feelings I have felt because of my parents, even though I completely understand that they’re only human and tried their best. But I think we all have mommy and daddy issues and some of us are just better at hiding or escaping them. At the end of the day I am allowed to feel how I feel. I am allowed to be angry and be hurt and feel sad or be happy or grateful or loved. It’s taken me years to learn that I am allowed to feel how I do and nothing and no one can take that from me because my entire life it felt like that wasn’t the case.

I’m the person who gets people. I look out for them. I’m loyal. I want with my everything to love and be loved and it is always at the expense of myself. It’s what I know. It’s what I’ve been taught by experience. It isn’t entirely a good thing and I know that but it’s a part of me.

I love the people that need to be “saved” and I build them up and let them in. I don’t consider them that but its the best way I know how to put it.  I become their lifeline and they become my demise. It gets to such a point that eventually I break and shatter and am left unknowingly to pick up the pieces of myself by myself. Now I know what you’re thinking…I don’t do this on purpose. I do this with friends and relatives and people in general. I’m the person everyone tells their life story to. I’m the person everyone is semi intimidated by and then realizes I’m one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. But after years of doing this and not ever really knowing how to deal with my own feelings I finally started to change.

At that point I became the jerk or the asshole in my group of friends. It became my fault that things went badly or weren’t as they were to be expected. I was expected to act and be a certain way because well I had to. Problem was I couldn’t play the game anymore. I wasn’t about to hide how I felt because I needed to be okay with it. For the first time it was finally about me and that wasn’t okay with everyone else.

All of the insecurities I worked so hard to help others with, came shooting back in my direction at full force. I’m not blaming anyone, but again this is about how I feel. Life is hard enough. We’re all jaded in some way and we all need a little help from friends and those around us at some point. Everyone gets a little difficult to deal with at times but keep in mind everyone is allowed to feel how they feel. It isn’t about being PC or a pansy or a tough guy or anything else. We are all only human and maybe if people allowed people to actually be themselves then we wouldn’t be dealing with half the bullshit that we do. Maybe if we actually took time to figure out how we feel towards one thing or another we’d all make better decisions for ourselves.

Take it from someone who’s been destroyed a few times… someone that keeps trying to pick up the pieces… and someone who is still continuously learning about themselves even if its things that I already knew but life allowed me to forget… We have potential to do so many things and we have potential to feel so many things. I know I’m sick of feeling like I’m not good enough for everyone around me, but the things that bother people the most tend to be the things that keep coming back. We start to believe these things because they’re proven to us. We get to a point where we don’t know what to do or feel because we’ve even repressed ourselves. How different of a world do you think we’d live in if people actually lived up to their potential or truly believed in their abilities? What possibilities would we have? Why is it okay to stomp on someone’s feelings when it’s the only reason you probably reacted in the first place?

Everyone has a different role, everyone has a different perspective, everyone has their own feelings. So why isn’t that enough? Are we doomed to this cyclical reality despite changing our surroundings or does it take a lifetime of attempts to be the person we actually want to be?

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