Toxic Love: revisiting the past to help a friend

In a way it’s unrequited because they can never really and truly tell you how they feel. It almost doesn’t exist anywhere but in your mind. But it does exist. It is real. It’s real for you. Despite what happens secondly, initially they prove everything you believe.

All of it is crazy… you’re crazy to believe that they can love. They’re crazy to believe you won’t leave. You’re both crazy to think that it will last. And the shit you’ve dealt with because of each other is the icing on the crazy cake. I’m sorry but to me that’s love. It’s a leap of faith you take with someone never knowing how it will work out or if you’ll even come out of it alive. Feelings aren’t logical. Not in anyway.

Love makes you laugh, cry, hurt, ache for someone, get compassionate, feel sexy, be lusty, angry, stifled, everything. For one word to encompass all those things, in the world we live in don’t you think that trying to make it all work is going to be crazy hard? In a world people don’t know what they feel unless a facebook post tells them or they use a meme or emoticon, how are they supposed to really know love.

You have conversations and feelings and emotions that attach yourself to this person and they have no idea how to love you back. Relationships are hard. But loving someone shouldn’t have to be. The problem is we’re people and we fuck things up. We don’t know what we want and we’re conditioned to be and react the way we do from the minute we’re born. Our deepest darkest insecurities aren’t always known to ourselves until something major happens and it’s not always a bad thing to know. But until we know why we do what we do, how are we supposed to know how we feel?

We all have baggage. We all have demons. The only reason I stuck around as long as I did was because I thought our demons played well together. I thought if we could both see what this was and admit that we both wanted it, we could find a way to do more than make it work. But they never chose me. They never wanted me. I had to choose myself over a love like that because I don’t even get to live the game of faking it anymore despite us not being able to really and truly walk away from each other.
For any of this to actually work, you need them to want you and you want them to want you. When they treat you irrationally you get insecure and don’t know how to feel about it. Despite the love and the desire that exists it gets toxic because they can’t make up their mind and you’re there for the taking at any given moment mindfucking yourself.

They never thought it was in the cards. And it’s not because they keep throwing it away when it comes their way. It’s because they won’t take a chance on grabbing a hold of it. They won’t live it. How are they supposed to admit that despite all their better judgement and logic that they care about you and want you? They’re afraid and don’t know how. Their life has proven that it doesn’t work out. They have to find a way to be open to new possibilities and that things never happen the way that you expect them to, but they can’t anymore. What they believe becomes true because that becomes their reality. Lost in a haze of world they never wanted because they’re too afraid of taking a chance and being truly vulnerable.

I’ve been asked “why you” and I couldn’t answer other than by saying that I don’t want anyone else and I love you. But I have a question for you… why not you? Why is it so hard to realize that I wanted you, all of you. Sometimes that’s just not enough. Sometimes all of this becomes a crazy game that no one ever really wins. And it’s hard. Everything about it is hard. From the way you look to the way you see and react and feel and process. You can’t make them do anything they don’t want to but the truth is you don’t want them to be anything but themselves. It comes down to them allowing themselves to be happy with you because you know they care.

All of it could have been avoided had this been a utopian society but we’re mere mortals existing in a flawed environment. Life makes us and conditions us into the people we become and if we can’t believe that something will happen for us then it won’t. If we don’t think we deserve something we’ll never get it. We stand in our own way and hurt ourselves and others in the process. You get to the point where you love the other person but you’re so addicted you can’t walk away. You’ve become so conditioned to think you both deserve what you’re getting that you can’t stop. No one gives in. The feelings exist but they’re not enough. You find a breaking point only to step over it.

You finally, eventually, desperately get to some kind of end and hope to eventually move on. But the thing is, you still don’t want anyone else. And despite what it became, that’s not where it started or what it was in the middle. You broke it and each other in the process, but you can survive it. You have to choose to. It’s damn hard, and you may love that person forever, but you can’t spend your life trying to be with someone that doesn’t know how to be or want to be with anyone. So you find a way to pick up the pieces and life goes on. Until you fall again.

We live in the age of forgetfulness, do something worthy of remembrance

I am a lot of things. Some good, some bad. I have my demons and I have my wings. I have a memory that doesn’t allow me to forget and a heart that doesn’t allow me to really and truly stop loving. With that said, I’ve known hundreds of people through my life thus far. I’ve kept in touch with friends. Lost touch with friends. Gotten back in touch to lose them again…but for the most part I still stay connected in some way. Mostly because of my memory, but also because things like Facebook exist and remind me the person I don’t want to see is out there -still. I digress.

I am the kind of person that uses social media, but doesn’t put my life out into the world on my pages. I’ve lived in 4 states, been to 8 countries and have friends from every place I’ve been. We may not talk daily. We may not check in constantly. But because of things like Facebook we can stay connected. We may not have been too close or great friends, but if I can wish someone well or cheer someone on I will most certainly do it. It doesn’t matter if I saw them ten minutes ago or ten years ago.  I’m the kind of person that likes pictures or status updates or wishes you happy birthday whether we talk or not, just because I can. Props to you for doing something worth celebrating. Props to you for accomplishing someone you want or making the best of what life sends your way. Hell your status could be “got through a Tuesday at work, yaya” and I’d still wish you well because sometimes Tuesdays are fucken hard.

I’ve spent most of my life dealing with depression. I’ve had some good friends here and there and I’ve had crappy friends. I’ve had hundreds if not thousands of acquaintances. I might have only met you in passing, as a college freshman, at the dining hall one night and never talked to you again, but I’m the kind of person that remembers that night in detail if it comes into play. Over the years, I’ve had to deal with a lot of crap I honestly wish I hadn’t. I wish people well where I can because I know I like when someone does that for me. I haven’t had a lot of people stick by me through the years or the hard times in life and I remember almost everyone I’ve ever met. And you’d be surprised how little it takes to make someone feel good.

There are a lot of things I wish this world would pay attention to, but for the most part it really is about the little things. However,  we live in an age of forgetfulness. No one seems to pay attention to the little things anymore. Smiling at someone when you walk past them on the street. Acknowledging someone’s presence with a “hey, how’s it going.” Seeing someone going through something tough and acknowledging their struggle or just relating to them in the moment. We forgot how to talk to each other and as creative as we are we have no idea how to create relationships that last. You better believe that someone may not remember your name, but they remember the way you made them feel.

It doesn’t matter who you are to them, you could be some random dude on the subway, their mother, or their dentist. If you joke and smile or laugh and cry, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to be a deep connection. It could be “omg look at this crazy cat vine.” (yeah, sorry I went there). The little moments are the ones in which you choose who you are going to be for the big moments. You remember the things you didn’t do well or the things you excelled at the best. But think of the people who meant something in your life and what is it you remember about them? It’s probably not that they were at that game one time with you or went to get food at that place. It’s how you felt when you were with them. It was the time you shared together.

How hard is it to wish people luck? How hard is it to unplug the headphones and step back from the smart phone and share a moment with someone? Learn how to be a friend. Remember how to be a friend. I’m going to say it again, a few nice words go a lot further than you’d think.

I’m finally starting to like the life I’m living because I’m living the life I like. The one I chose. And it’s working out in a million ways. I have moments of freaking out and depression rears its head. But then someone says something silly or acknowledges me in some way and my whole  mood shifts. People yearn for the closeness that almost doesn’t exist anymore. People connect more with strangers on the street than those in their inner circle because they’ve forgotten how or maybe they never knew. Despite never being famous, you can easily be remembered.

Don’t forget who you’ve walked through life with thus far. We may be individuals, but life isn’t a one man show. Be nice to people. Share a smile. Find the little things that people do that make you happy and spread the vibes. We can all use a little help sometimes.

You may not be contributing to their major life goals or their everyday existence, but where is the harm in remembering to wish someone well or congratulate them or even just acknowledge them? Life is hard enough, why not spread a little joy.

 

Today, I’m going to write about love

I think I loved you from the minute I really met you. The very first instant you came up behind me and put your hand at the base of my neck and lead me through the crowd. We spent the afternoon partying and dancing not a care in the world. I had no idea that would be the beginning of almost a decade of what I’m going to simply call “us.” I had known you most of my life but never like this. Re-introduced and age was no longer a factor, I was hooked.

We left separately that afternoon but we’d soon be meeting again. Talking online and sharing when we’d be back in town, so we could meet up started the friendship. Both of us not knowing what we had really gotten into, we flew by the seat of our pants and let things happen as they may.

Soon enough we were hanging out 3 or 4 days a week. Going out, partying, eating, drinking, exploring, having fun, learning about each other, sharing secrets, sharing ourselves, we didn’t really have any limits. Little did either of us know that we wouldn’t spend more than 3 weeks apart in a 5 year period. Little did we know that those we once considered best friends were now second to each other. That despite not having labels or actually being in a relationship “together,” we were attached.

We got jealous when the other had another person come their way. We got mad when we didn’t include each other. We got energized in each others’ presence. We needed and yearned to be close and I don’t think either of us really understood why. I knew how I felt about you, but I also knew you. I knew “trapping” you wasn’t going to work and making you do something you didn’t want wasn’t going to work either. The last thing I wanted to do was change you because you were who I loved. I loved the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, I was all in. I was invested. And to a certain point so were you.

After about a year of this you told me you loved me. You told me there was no one like me. It was Christmas Eve Eve and on the steps of our favorite weekend hangout you threw your arms around me whispered “I love you” in my ear, slowly pulled away and kissed me. Standing there stunned I didn’t say it back. You said it to me three times in the next two weeks and the words hit me like a ton of bricks every time. Then I finally said it back and I think I shocked myself. I knew I had feelings for you from the beginning but I didn’t want to lose my best friend. I’m not good with emotion and I tend to be a bit frigid when it comes to matters of the heart. Truth be told, there’s no one like you either.

We went on for years hanging out and living adventures. Keeping a balance for each other so the other didn’t fly too far off the hinges. So much better together than we ever were apart. Constantly making each other crazy, but always in need of that presence. As time passed the more people noticed. Always together, always around, could always find each other in a crowd. We were attached even more than before.

After almost 5 years I cracked and told you how I felt. You asked me why I chose now to have feelings and I had no words. You asked me what I was afraid of and I said nothing. I then asked you and you said nothing as well. We both lied. Except I spilled my heart out. I told you how I felt. I had thought about that moment a million times and I was finally having it. We were both afraid to change things between us but they couldn’t stay that way any longer. I wanted to be with you as a couple, but you didn’t.

I could understand that, but neither of us could walk away from the other and now truth when it came to feelings got thrown in the mix. I gave you truth. You couldn’t tell me how you felt. Whether you didn’t know how you felt or if you were just afraid, it didn’t matter. I still didn’t want to force you to be someone you weren’t because that defeated the purpose.

Many nights we spent awake until dawn sharing our secrets and stories. Emotionally attaching ourselves to one another and learning the way the other thought, processed, hoped, dreamed and feared. Real intimacy in a way I don’t think either of us ever knew until that point. It got to the point where we couldn’t even be in a 500 foot radius and not have someone think we were together whether we were or weren’t.

Then things really turned. I got into a graduate program and I was getting ready to leave. Not long before were we sitting in your basement telling stories like always and I was admitting how I felt. Now the end was in sight. Life as we knew it was shifting.

You told all of our friends and some random acquaintances I was leaving you. You constantly asked what you were going to do without me. You shared my business as if it were your own, but you still couldn’t tell me how you felt about me.

For years people would ask me if we were together. They’d ask me where you were if I was somewhere alone. They didn’t understand how one of us was without the other. But you could never tell me your true feelings. There were nights we definitely came close. We both revealed truths we thought about the other and we never had anything bad to say. We never judged. We always cared more than we initially meant to. But for whatever reason it wasn’t enough.

We both yearned for the togetherness and still reveled in each others’ presence, but it was never enough. The week before I left a few things happened. You showed up at my going away party with someone else. You eventually cornered me and tried to talk about us. I couldn’t. You and I went for ice cream to try to talk things out. You told me we’ve always existed in the grey area and you didn’t want to change that. You told me if I weren’t leaving I could move in with you because your roommate was getting evicted. And you asked me to stay.

The night you asked me to stay echoes like a hurricane in my mind. Sitting on the bathroom floor basically on top of each other, everything came down to that moment. I don’t think there’s ever been a moment we were so close or so honest, but we both walked away without getting what we wanted. I left anyway.

We spent the next year fighting and treating each other like strangers through text and the internet. But in person, you acted like I never left. Holding hands, putting arms around each other, sharing drinks and anything else along the way. I couldn’t deal. I fought it until I couldn’t anymore. Anxiety caught up with me and that was it.

The person I had so much love for and cared so much about was a stranger I couldn’t trust. You soon used my feelings against me and made it all my fault. We no longer shared stories. We no longer spent time together, but everywhere we went there was the other person. We beat each other up mentally and emotionally. We hurt each other and shook each other to the core. The need to be in each others’ presence was now muttled by the fact that we were no longer those people.

We eventually got to the point where all we did was fight, but we still couldn’t help being next to each other. Life shifted again and I ended up moving back to NY. I watched my life fall apart. I watched my family ache. I watched you replace me and those were your words not mine. Yet anytime I was okay enough to be near you you dropped the replacement for me. We were both fighting everything we felt and everything we knew and everything around us, but everything had changed.

Me being who I am I remember down to the dates of the things we did that had an impact on me. Still hurt. Still trying to put the pieces of myself back together. There you were. We tried once or twice to “fix” things but we broke it and we didn’t know how to go back and I didn’t want to. We didn’t talk for about 6 months. The longest we had gone without speaking in 8 years. Believe me it hurt, but I still couldn’t trust you.

I couldn’t trust you not to play my heartstrings like a guitar. I couldn’t trust you not to say one thing and do another. I couldn’t trust you to tell me how you felt or really and truly be honest with me anymore. Despite trying to let it go and get over it and move on and despite dating one or two other people when I was gone and when I first got back, I was still in love with you. The problem was I wasn’t in love with the you that I had standing in front of me. I was in love with the person I had shared stories with at all hours of the night and the one I wanted to be sitting on the bathroom floor with, didn’t exist anymore. They didn’t exist anymore and the person I was didn’t either. But there we were still yearning for each others presences, without any idea of how to do it.

No one understood. We were judged for the past, present and potential. We eventually worked it out, we left the hurt behind. We learned to be near each other again. The last year changed everything, but we still weren’t those people we once were. We finally made things right again. The only problem, I was leaving again. I finally had the chance to live the dreams I’ve wanted since I was a child. I was making my dream a reality. Problem number two, I still love you. You fought with me and couldn’t say goodbye. You made it my fault again and it hurt me too. Despite everything, I still care. Despite everything I won’t ever forget our time together. Despite everything I hope you find your happiness.

I want to move forward and from the last things you said to me, that was it. I hurt you for the last time and you hurt me for the last time. That doesn’t change the past. We may not have been the right people for each other at the time. We may have dealt with a lot of things we were afraid of and a lot of things may have been caused because of us. I’m still a bit of a dreamer. I’m still a realist. I am a lot of things and I may still always love you. But I can’t do this anymore.

We broke what we had in every way and still wanted to be near each other. Right now there is no end to this story. I have a new beginning, but is it the end for us? I want to love someone that can really love me back. Or at least tell me the truth about their feelings. Being vulnerable sucks and putting yourself out there is hard.

I can’t change the past and I don’t want to, but love for the future is the next dream I hold for myself. I never knew I’d love you the way I did. I never knew I’d be sitting here caring this long after we started this game thinking about you and our memories. Call me foolish, but I know what I felt was real. I know what I lived. I know who we were apart and together. I knew we both lost us the minute we separated. Despite those around us not understanding, I only needed you to. The problem was you did, and chose another path.

We lived and experienced and loved each other, so naturally until one of us got in over our heads and tried to run for it. We always came back. We broke it more times than I can count but it was never the end. Almost 9 years later from that first day, here I sit 3000 miles from home, building a new life for myself without you. Still someone I want to walk through life with, yet it matters no longer. I don’t know how long I will love you and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. But I’m reclaiming me and the love I have for myself in hopes of finding someone who is willing to go all in. I look back without regret. I feel no shame. I have known heartbreak and I know if I am ever to love someone again it will not be the same.

Love so beautiful in its entirety yet so destructive if handled improperly. So easily gained, so difficultly lost. It can conquer and destroy. I’m willing to see what it can bring and where my life goes from here. I want to believe.

I am not a religious person but I think this fits as an end to my new beginning.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”

 

 

Contemplation

Even though our hearts may be attached to something, if we never explore what else is out there we may never find the right things for ourselves. Sometimes it takes giving up everything you know in pursuit of a dream to find what you’ve been missing all along. Whether it’s clarity or love or even lack of fear and depression, it’s only yours if you go after it. It’s only real when you make it so. Life is an infinite loop of possibilities. Only you choose your way. Only you choose your path.

Los Angeles Chronicles: Is this really happening?

I did it. I secured a job and I was offered more money than I’ve ever made doing something I’ve been trying to do since I was in college. It’s happening. I’m about five seconds from pinching myself just to see if this really isn’t all a dream.

Apartment: check. All my stuff from NY: check. Opportunity: check. Job in the field I want and a decent salary: check. Holy crap. I’m disgustingly happy and yet I’m still missing something. I’m starting to change for the better again and it’s a great thing. I’ve been trusting my gut as much as I can since I’ve gotten here and despite the crap that there most obviously is, it’s amazing. You can’t have the good without the bad but I have to keep reminding myself, this was a long time in the making.

Keep believing you can do this. Keep believing that this is your life and when things get tough remember you did something about it. Yes there were nights that you wanted to give up and you doubted everything. Yes there were  moments I was spiraling out of control and no I did not cease to be that person, but I’m starting to stop holding it against myself.

We’ve all had out shit in life that we didn’t want to do or couldn’t handle or maybe wish we didn’t do or go through. I don’t regret what I can’t change and I tend to push the envelope. I tend to get to a point where I have to say what I feel or I’ll explode but it takes a lot for me to get there. I’m not great when it comes to emotions and I tend to stifle them. We are all works in progress and we all have our own journeys.

I’ve spent a lot of the last year agonizing over many of the wrong things because I needed to do what I needed to do to get through. It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t fun, but it was a part of my life. I still have a long way to go and I’m definitely still a bit of a mess but it is what it is. Here’s to things finally working out and me learning I can believe in myself. Learning to have some faith and maybe learn to be a little less angry. We all have a lot to give if we’re put in the correct environment. It’s crazy how much environment changes someone but it does. I still have a long way to go and will probably always deal with depression and anxiety but it’s amazing how much more like “myself” I feel like I can be here. I feel like me again and it’s amazing.

“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.” JM Barrie

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life dreaming and imagining the places I could go and things I could do. I’ve done so many of the things I’ve wanted to do in life and I’ve done a lot of things I didn’t expect to do. I’ve accomplished a lot and yet nothing at the same time. I’ve loved and lost and will continue to do so until I find my “one.” I’m a dreamer. I’m learning that I’m a bit more of an idealist than I thought but that’s okay and I’m a logical realist. I wear many hats, but I’ve always had issues believing and I don’t mean in god.

I’ve spent a lot of my life being a confident person, but I’ve always had issues with self worth. Maybe it’s been the way I’m conditioned but it’s just part of me. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety in different ways since I was a teen as well and neither are fun, but I’m still here and I’ve found a way to make my dreams somewhat of a reality.

I’ve been to 8 different countries. I’ve graduated from college with multiple degrees. I’ve lived in multiple states. I experienced almost everything I’ve ever wanted to do with some great people and have been in love twice. Recently I made a move I almost never thought I’d pull off, but I did it. I thought about it on and off since I was 10 and California was always my end goal… but I never committed to what I would do here once I got here.

It was always a dream, never a reality…until now. I’ve been looking for jobs and trying to make a career happen for almost 6 years without the luck of finding a job I really wanted to commit to or make a part of my life. I’ve spent the better half of a decade loving the “wrong person”and believing and having faith in the “wrong things.” They play a huge role in my life and I don’t ever attempt to take them back but I do question them but who doesn’t. I’ve been through a lot and will continue to do so, but now it’s time I start to believe and have faith in the “right things.” You know, the things I want to be real for me and my future. To take the life and person I want myself to be and aspire to be and make it reality. To have the love I want for myself and the place I want to have it all in happen. Things have a way of never working out how you expect them to but believing it could happen is half the battle.

I’m 3,000 miles from where I grew up yet I’m constantly reminded of a person I’ve known in my life for as long as I can remember. Peter Pan.

Everyone thinks Peter Pan is about the boy who never grows up. To me it’s about perspective. It isn’t about growing up but growing. The way you use your imagination to believe and have faith that what you can dream you can do is the point. If you don’t believe, it isn’t going to happen. When you doubt your own abilities you lose your freedom. When you look at the world through the eyes of a child you see an unadulterated view of society. An unjaded, curiosity that sparks possibilities and a reminder that life is really a game we all have to play. We have but a short time and we do change throughout. Not always for the better but it does happen. We forget how to be kids, and bask in the glow of the little things that make life great. The memories that put us on top of the world if even for a moment or the people that stood by us that may not be there anymore for whatever reason.

We are who we allow ourselves to become, but if we want to grow sometimes we have to grow down, not up. Life isn’t about who can pay the most bills. Life is about the experiences. The belief that “the moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.”

If you spend your life telling yourself you’re never going to make it – you won’t. I’ve doubted myself a lot in the last few years. I’ve fought with myself a lot in the last few years. I’ve lost a lot in the last few years. I gained an accomplishment of a dream I never thought I’d pull off and I have a potential job doing something I’ve wanted to do since college within arms reach. That job is mine, because I believe it is. That may sound silly but who cares. No one has to believe it but me. I may have done a lot of things I never meant to do but if I believe that they all lead me here, that’s what I believe. No one gets to take that from me. No one ever can.

I’m starting to relearn who I can be and imagine the future I’ve always wanted. Yes I go back and fourth and have doubts but I still believe I can pull this off. I still believe I’m going to be disgustingly happy here and I still believe that this is what I’ve always wanted. Did I have to leave some things behind, yes. Did I have to grow in the process? Yes. Was is hard, of course it was.

Nothing in life worth doing is easy echoes in my mind, but again it’s about perspective. As much as I still love the two people I’ve ever loved and have love for my friends, experiences, family members and those that have taken part in my life along the way so far, it doesn’t matter that they may not be in my daily life anymore, they’re still in my memory. They all play(ed) roles.

I am a lot of things, I’m ridiculous, misunderstood, intense and an ass sometimes, but we all have our moments. Life is hard but you have to believe. If in no one else you have to believe in yourself. If that means building a fort and coloring today then do it. If it means writing a proposal and making a presentation and getting that deal then do it. As long as it means something to you it means something. Those you love and choose to walk through life with should be the ones that believe in you when you don’t believe in yourself. Or at least be helping you build the fort because honestly if they don’t, they need to go.

Believe you’re worth it. Believe you can be and will be loved, cared for, successful, prosperous, alive, pretty, handsome, passionate, thoughtful, intelligent, anything you want and need yourself to be you can be. No one’s pretending it’s easy but you need to start somewhere. You have to believe first. Be worth it to yourself. If you can prove it to yourself, no one else will doubt it.

Don’t be hellbent on growing up, just keep growing and believe you’ll get what you want and see how your perspective changes along the way. Fairytales exist because someone believed they could…that is my point. Make your own. Find a way.

 

Los Angeles Chronicles: Find A Way Damn It!

I’ve been in this apartment one month as of yesterday. I’ve come a long way but it still doesn’t feel like this is my life yet. I’m dealing with a lot of things all at once but I have to keep in mind that I have always found a way and I will always find one.

I had two interviews this week for two different jobs I would be more than ecstatic to have yet I’m freaking out at the possibility of this finally happening. After 6 years of trying I actually may have a chance at a job in the field I want to be in. Crossing my fingers at this moment in hopes I don’t find a way to cock this up.

I’m still trying to leave my past behind but I’m sure I’ll get there eventually. I’m still standing in the middle of that proverbial road. I haven’t made it all the way across yet. I’m still trying to start my life here but cash flow is key for me to do anything else.

Insecurities are still a bitch and they’re at an all time high. I need to realize that I’m ridiculously strong willed and I haven’t yet begun to fight. I need to get out into this city more and really figure out everything I can possibly do to make sure I stay here. Failing isn’t an option.

I’ve been seriously genuinely happy here and I’ve been content and I’ve been lost and afraid. Living out any type of dream is hard let alone one you’ve held for yourself most of your life. Perspective is always key and for the most part always will be.

The past will always be back there but it doesn’t stand next to you it stands behind you. There’s a difference. You have a chance at somewhat of a dream job and the start of a life you always wanted for yourself, of course it’s going to be hard. Everything in my life I’ve ever done I’ve pretty much had to do for myself. I don’t choose the easy way because I don’t generally see the easy way. I think that’s why I always find a way because I don’t trust myself not to make it somehow.

Faith and believing is starting to play a very large role in my life and I think I need to keep trusting that I will in fact find a way and despite potentially running out of money before I find a job I’m going to make this happen.