Toxic Love: revisiting the past to help a friend

In a way it’s unrequited because they can never really and truly tell you how they feel. It almost doesn’t exist anywhere but in your mind. But it does exist. It is real. It’s real for you. Despite what happens secondly, initially they prove everything you believe.

All of it is crazy… you’re crazy to believe that they can love. They’re crazy to believe you won’t leave. You’re both crazy to think that it will last. And the shit you’ve dealt with because of each other is the icing on the crazy cake. I’m sorry but to me that’s love. It’s a leap of faith you take with someone never knowing how it will work out or if you’ll even come out of it alive. Feelings aren’t logical. Not in anyway.

Love makes you laugh, cry, hurt, ache for someone, get compassionate, feel sexy, be lusty, angry, stifled, everything. For one word to encompass all those things, in the world we live in don’t you think that trying to make it all work is going to be crazy hard? In a world people don’t know what they feel unless a facebook post tells them or they use a meme or emoticon, how are they supposed to really know love.

You have conversations and feelings and emotions that attach yourself to this person and they have no idea how to love you back. Relationships are hard. But loving someone shouldn’t have to be. The problem is we’re people and we fuck things up. We don’t know what we want and we’re conditioned to be and react the way we do from the minute we’re born. Our deepest darkest insecurities aren’t always known to ourselves until something major happens and it’s not always a bad thing to know. But until we know why we do what we do, how are we supposed to know how we feel?

We all have baggage. We all have demons. The only reason I stuck around as long as I did was because I thought our demons played well together. I thought if we could both see what this was and admit that we both wanted it, we could find a way to do more than make it work. But they never chose me. They never wanted me. I had to choose myself over a love like that because I don’t even get to live the game of faking it anymore despite us not being able to really and truly walk away from each other.
For any of this to actually work, you need them to want you and you want them to want you. When they treat you irrationally you get insecure and don’t know how to feel about it. Despite the love and the desire that exists it gets toxic because they can’t make up their mind and you’re there for the taking at any given moment mindfucking yourself.

They never thought it was in the cards. And it’s not because they keep throwing it away when it comes their way. It’s because they won’t take a chance on grabbing a hold of it. They won’t live it. How are they supposed to admit that despite all their better judgement and logic that they care about you and want you? They’re afraid and don’t know how. Their life has proven that it doesn’t work out. They have to find a way to be open to new possibilities and that things never happen the way that you expect them to, but they can’t anymore. What they believe becomes true because that becomes their reality. Lost in a haze of world they never wanted because they’re too afraid of taking a chance and being truly vulnerable.

I’ve been asked “why you” and I couldn’t answer other than by saying that I don’t want anyone else and I love you. But I have a question for you… why not you? Why is it so hard to realize that I wanted you, all of you. Sometimes that’s just not enough. Sometimes all of this becomes a crazy game that no one ever really wins. And it’s hard. Everything about it is hard. From the way you look to the way you see and react and feel and process. You can’t make them do anything they don’t want to but the truth is you don’t want them to be anything but themselves. It comes down to them allowing themselves to be happy with you because you know they care.

All of it could have been avoided had this been a utopian society but we’re mere mortals existing in a flawed environment. Life makes us and conditions us into the people we become and if we can’t believe that something will happen for us then it won’t. If we don’t think we deserve something we’ll never get it. We stand in our own way and hurt ourselves and others in the process. You get to the point where you love the other person but you’re so addicted you can’t walk away. You’ve become so conditioned to think you both deserve what you’re getting that you can’t stop. No one gives in. The feelings exist but they’re not enough. You find a breaking point only to step over it.

You finally, eventually, desperately get to some kind of end and hope to eventually move on. But the thing is, you still don’t want anyone else. And despite what it became, that’s not where it started or what it was in the middle. You broke it and each other in the process, but you can survive it. You have to choose to. It’s damn hard, and you may love that person forever, but you can’t spend your life trying to be with someone that doesn’t know how to be or want to be with anyone. So you find a way to pick up the pieces and life goes on. Until you fall again.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s