I am a Liberal

I am a Liberal.

I believe in choice.
Choice of what to wear, how to dress, who to be, what to become, who to build a life with, what to do with or not do with my body, what anyone else can do with theirs, what religion you practice, what you religion you don’t.

I believe in education for the masses.
Everyone should have an opportunity for an education without a lifetime debt sentence.

I believe in a health conscious country.
A country where people don’t have to worry whether they live or die because some billionaire raised the prices of a life saving drug, just because they can.

I believe in freedom.
Freedom for all regardless of color, creed, race or religion. No exceptions.

I believe in livable wages.
Wages that allow us to succeed and not be a new kind of indentured servant. A wage that allows us to feed and clothe ourselves without charging it now and paying for it later.

I believe in the American Dream.
That no matter who you are you can succeed and become someone even if that someone is you.

I believe that mental health is just as important as physical health.
That everyone at some point deals with hurt, pain, depression, anxiety or something in their life that they need help with.

I believe in life liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

I believe in a just and fair government.

I believe that united we stand divided we fall.

I believe in a country for the people by the people.

I believe that these United States are built by immigrants for immigrants.

I believe neither party, nor country, nor person is always good or always bad.
Perfection and a perfect world do not exist but we do not need to make it worse for ourselves.

I believe in providing a chance at success for those that may not otherwise have it.

I believe in an economy that makes everyone pay their fare share to support all of us.

I believe in using funds for what they are in fact appropriated.

I am a liberal. I am appalled at this country’s decision in this election. I do in fact truly fear for my future. I do believe we, as a country, we – lost. But the fight has just begun and I do not, will not, have not stood alone.

Thinking About Love.

How does one define love? Is it a state? Is it a feeling? Is it more than that? A friend of mine defined love as “caring about someone so deeply it’s almost more about them than yourself.” They later went on to explain, “I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone care about me as much as I care for them from a relationship standpoint.”

That lead me to ask – is love an act? Act of kindness, act of faith? If love were a person what would they look like? Do they have ten fingers/toes.. are they bruised and broken? Are they whole? How would they act? What would they do? Are they the best looking person you’ve ever seen or is it different? Is it a level or perfection that just can’t be explained? What about love as a concept vs to love as a verb?

Love to me isn’t love to you… the way you think and define it isn’t the same for me. They may be similar, but what makes you recognize it when its there? It’s a lot to think about but love seems to be the effort you unknowingly give to someone else… so if it means something different to everyone who’s to say that love can be the same to anyone. Who’s to say that you loved them more than they loved you? Maybe they couldn’t show it. Maybe they just didn’t love you the way you needed to be loved.

Through the relationships in my past I’ve gone over a million things time and time again and at the end despite it being an end, love existed. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t loved at all because I may not have felt it or seen it in such a way, but it means they loved me differently. And not how I needed to be loved.

It may seem commonplace to say that love isn’t an all or nothing thing…it’s abstract. A different concept to everyone. A different act to everyone. Both good and bad. Like life it looks different to everyone you’d ask. It is also a feeling.. something we can’t always understand, but despite all of that we tend to forget that loving and being loved may be easy feelings but not so easy acts or vise versa. We may spend our lives in an abusive relationship but it doesn’t mean love isn’t there.. it means that people aren’t capable of loving in the way that you need or I need. Not that specific person, not at that time. Fault isn’t at stake here. Blame doesn’t need to be involved. So why do we look at love and relationships the way we do? Why do we have to be so willing to place blame? Is it just the sense of making something as illogical in nature as love logical? Is it a coping mechanism? Who knows the answers and are there ever any that can be found?

 

Lost Angeles Chronicles: Internal struggle in a >political< world of uncertainty

I’m finally at the point in my life where I seek information on a daily basis. Whether by curiosity or need, I spend most of my time reading. I can never seem to take enough information in and there is always more out there. The issue isn’t what is available – as Google does most of the work when it comes to searching – rather that who tells the truth, what is real, what is not and how much shit do I have to dig through to find it? And even sometimes, why is the satire just so damn true?!

Anyway…

There is a lot going on in this world, good and bad at any moment. People are up in arms about politics worldwide and people are doing everything from predicting the world’s end to ignoring that we’re even in trouble. What troubles me… what makes me fight myself internally… the future of it all. I sit here trying to plan for my future the best I can and now everything I thought was once possible is shifted. Everything I once wanted for myself seems so out of touch with reality. I find myself thinking, “holy shit I must be American because this whole thing makes me want to strap on a gun and rush the battlefield.” Yes, this is hyperbole, but anyone even somewhat like myself should totally understand where that’s coming from.

I try to go on with life “as usual.” I try to go through the motions and ignore what is out there because I know that it only ends up with me being angry that so many people are  entirely against others that they know nothing about and are so quick to call them terrorists when the United States has pretty much been the biggest terrorizer in the world since it was “born.” /run on sentence

But damn. How the fuck did we get here? Why?! What are we doing to ourselves and others?! How do we sit back and let people take over within our own country with views and beliefs that aren’t just opposite ours, but totally against everyone who isn’t them?! How did we become this completely divided among ourselves? When you wake up everyday and the threat of an attack in some form is now in your backyard, what are you supposed to do? This isn’t about being “safe” it’s about actually being able to live the life you want to live for yourself. Yes, safety plays a role but fuck man. At the end of the day our lives in the U.S. aren’t hard in conventional ways )#firstworldproblems is definitely the best way to describe it) but look at our government. We were supposed to be the system that was by the people, for the people…Now… The party that claims they want less government is the party that wants to take all your individual rights away by government mandate. The party that is supposed to be for all is totally split due to self righteousness and arrogance. And those that actually want to change for the greater good are being left unheard and walked on. So, where the hell do we go from here?

Again, I sit here and think about my future. The prospects of love and happiness, a potential family and house to raise them in. Not only are those things becoming harder and harder to attain because of the way the American world functions, but now I have to fight people off to have rights to my own body. I start thinking…”WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE” followed by, “How do I change the world around me?!” Why do I sit here in the midst of superficial shit screaming for change and no one pays attention? Am I the only one that wants to give up all my childhood dreams and figure out how to join in the political fight and change this from within? Why aren’t people more outraged? Do we not know how to ban together because we really have drifted so far apart?

Yes, my future has always been uncertain because time, unlike life is in fact linear… but the question, “where do I go from here” seems to have so much more attached to it now. As I fight for what I believe in, in hopes of a future actually worth having, do I have to fight myself too? I know this is a fight worth fighting, I know this is a risk worth taking, so why does it seem like so much of a leap of faith and why does it seem that my future is lost to me in a way it never was before? Why do I contemplate the real meaning of what comes next with such emphasis when in my proverbial yesterday  it didn’t seem as daunting? Who and what are we becoming and what do we have to do to change? Is anyone alive out there, can anyone hear me?!

 

Los Angeles Chronicles: Ever Searching

Life is a never ending process except for when it actually ends. The only issue and it’s kind of a big one – we usually have no concept of an ending, we really only have today, we really only have the journey.

I’ve noticed a few things lately and I’m not entirely sure if they’re good, bad or just are. I’ve noticed that anytime you ask someone you actually feel is qualified to answer your questions, they have no idea either. That the little things may totally add up, yet we’re always grasping at the major life moments and we forget the in between – ya know those moments that actually make up a life. We somehow spend our entire lives searching, yet what do we really find? Time is linear, life is not, yet our time in life albeit longer than we’d wish sometimes is a lot shorter in the scheme of “Life” as a concept.

There are I’m going to say a handful of people in the world in terms of types: those who dream, those who dream and manage to go after their dreams and are somehow able to pull them off, those who never dare to dream and are okay with the status quo, and those that always want, but never seek. This may be an over simplification, but it’s just an observation.

This year has held a lot of growth for me, yet I still don’t have the answers. The more I seek, the more I find there is to learn, the more I find simplicity doesn’t happen, at least not for me. The more I dream and let myself wander through the hopes and potentials of what may be out there I’m thwarted with reality of going through the motions of a 9-5 desk job that doesn’t pay me enough to pay off my student loans in the next 20 years.

With that said, I find myself to be the one that has to remind myself that you have to start somewhere. That you can’t start where you want to end up because you can’t start at the end. As much as I’ve been through in life and as much as I’ve “lived” so far, Los Angeles was my new beginning. Yes, I’ve been trying and putting effort and what not into my life thus far, but I left my life as I knew it. I’ve left my life as I knew it more than once, and despite going “back” to a place that is familiar… each time I got a different result. Life isn’t a math problem, you’re never going to get the same answer exactly. You might do the same thing 20 times before thinking “why do I do that” but you’re not at fault for making a mistake… it doesn’t work that way, not in everything. Because each time you make a mistake, let’s say with dating someone or with loving someone, or letting a friend take advantage when you think you’re just helping them out… the circumstances are different, you’re different. We’re ever changing, ever evolving, ever growing. The society we live in results in us always being plugged into something whether we use it to seek knowledge or to thwart it, it’s there. We react to what’s around us and we perceive our wants and needs and attempt to act accordingly, yet we still somehow miss the boat. We forget that we don’t go from being an entry level worker to the CEO without the shit in between. We forget that we can’t have a marriage without first putting in the work. We forget that we both lose and find ourselves so many times before we even realize we’ve changed,  but it’s okay. If we actively seek who we want ourselves to be and are constantly making an effort to grow in general, in any way… we’re going to make it. We might not end up where we thought because hey life never gives you what you expect it to… but sometimes the journey is the point, the ride to the end beats the end every time.

So whether you’re down because it’s Monday, or pissed because things aren’t going as you planned, or anxious because you’re not where you want to be, remember (this is a message to myself as well): tomorrow is another day to try your best and that’s all you can do, keep trying. Never stop searching for the answers. Maybe someday you’ll find them, if I find em, I’ll let you know.

Los Angeles Chronicles: I can while away the hours

It’s that moment in life when you’ve finally made significant progress and the same moment that screams at you – You’re not there yet!

I can say that most of us spend the majority of our week working at a job. Whether we like that job or not is the issue. Call me an idealist… but… wouldn’t it be nice to actually do something we’re passionate about rather than just taking whatever we have to, to get by and actually pay the bills?

I moved to Los Angeles in pursuit of a dream. I love my apartment, but it still hasn’t been made into “home” yet. I love LA/California, yet rush hour traffic on the 405 definitely leaves room for improvement. I like that everything is new, I like that I have a few friends but still have a lot of personal time comparatively speaking. I’m making more money than I have so far in life, yet I still stress because barely making it by is an understatement. My job isn’t terrible, but it is. I spend almost 4 hours a day in rush hour Los Angeles traffic. I beg for work at work and consistently have nothing to do (writing this at work now). My skills aren’t being utilized and my pay while may be the highest I’ve received, isn’t enough to actually live.

The progress I feel I’ve made in the last year has been great. The personal triumphs and the personal breakthroughs have been amazing. I’ve been taking more and more control over what I want and actively seeking my happiness. I’ve been putting the time, effort and energy into myself and it is paying off, but very slowly and that’s okay (progress is progress). Knowing that life is hard and I’m willing to work my ass off for it, I will always risk what I have if I don’t have what I want – in hopes of something better. So what now?

I’ve redone, updated, and sent out countless resumes. I’ve gone on multiple interviews. I end up either intimidating the interviewer or making them feel stupid (not intentionally). What do I have to do to finally land the position in which I may actually have room to grow and gain responsibility? What do I have to do to actually make enough money to live? What do I have to do to actually enjoy my life? And don’t even get me started on romantic relationships – that monster is a horse of a different color…

Why does everyone think that “hard work pays off” when the majority of people who work hard are the ones being screwed? Why is it that those willing to bust their ass aren’t the ones who are given a chance? What the hell am I missing here, because clearly it’s something big.

I get it, I’m a kid, but I still have more than adult sized bills. I get it, there’s a lot of competition. I get it, (again) life’s hard. But why is it so damn hard to the point where you have to kiss a company you aren’t sure you want to work for’s ass in hopes that you can eat that night? Why is this the world we live in? Is it terrible? Of course not. Am I sitting here asking myself if this post is even worth it, of course I am. Do I recognize that these are first world problems, absolutely. They are my problems nonetheless.

I’ve noticed something about movies and tv shows, they always wrap up life so nicely. Even when there are problems they only last so long or the viewers get bored… There’s always a little drama but the major things people tend to want, a house, a car, a relationship, a marriage, a family, a career, you name it – always seem attainable. Yes some of those things are materialistic but I’m talking about living, ya know paying for food to eat and actually having the money to do so as well as pay your rent. Yes, I know they’re made up stories. Yes, I know it’s a show/movie. Yes, I know time is a different animal in real life.  But why is it that happiness seems to be the hardest thing to hold onto in a world where you don’t have it that terribly hard, yet you still don’t have the money to live? Why is staying happy one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do?

When does my life become something I live with pure enjoyment despite the bad? As much as I’m a dreamer, I’m still a realist. Life has bad parts, we get hurt,  and sometimes shit sucks, it is inevitable, but when does progress actually reach fruition? When can you finally reach a point in life where you can say you’ve become successful?  What about becoming happy? Does it or can it ever truly happen? Or are we all just reaching for a dream only found on screens in hopes reality isn’t that bad?