Cornered

When life thrusts at you a decision to take the seemingly easy road to go back or the most definitely more difficult road to move forward, which do you take?

Personally I always seem to choose the more difficult path. Maybe I’m a bit of a masochist – fuck it – I know I’m a bit of a masochist – but what can I say I like change. My biggest issue is always feeling stuck. Stagnant. Trapped. Cornered. Call it whatever adjective you please it’s there.

I’ve always been a dreamer. Yet I get the reality of it all. The more I get older, the more I seem to realize that no one knows how to adult and life really is what you make it.

After being told this morning that I have to remember how to be young again, I couldn’t agree with them more. With everything going on in the world and all the shit being thrown at us through the media, I’m constantly seeking real information, real knowledge, a leg to stand on, stability and a handful of other things.

Being a person that has spent most of their life in a manic or depressed state realizing that it isn’t exactly me, but the way in which we live our lives here… perspective is gained. And the fact that I’ve always been “older” than I am leaves me with a lot to be desired when it comes to accomplishments.

But I digress… It is now my time whether it is the difficult road because that’s what I see for myself or cause for myself or bust. There is no going back. There isn’t ever a way to go back. Time only moves forward and it does so for a reason. It is not my life’s desires to sit here and have my soul sucked out at a job I can’t stand. It is not my desire to sit back and let everyone else bitch and moan about life. It is my desire to take charge of my own career and my own passions and find a way to delve into the depths of them both.

This is it. No more waiting. No more watching. No more hoping. It’s time for action and action starts now.

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The art of being alone

It’s been almost a year since I moved from NY to CA. Still trying to figure out my new “home” as it is definitely not NY anymore… Yet when someone here asks where I’m from my response is always, “I’m from NY” so lines tend to blur. Maybe because Los Angeles is full of transplants and I say NY almost daily or maybe it’s just a different version of “home” because how could it not be. Home has been lost for me plenty of times by now but where my parents and family are is still a home of sorts.

With that said…I think I’ve truly mastered the art of being alone. I’ve always needed my alone time or my personal time or what say you, but I’ve always been a very social person. For the first time in my life I was truly left with my thoughts and mine alone. It is a wonderful thing… to an extent. Being I am very much an over analyzer I am always with my thoughts whether I like it or not, but I think I’m finally getting some clarity. You’d be surprised how mottled life gets when you’re going through the motions of what you don’t want because you need to survive. I’m still going through the motions in a job I don’t like, but I’m still the one in control of my supposed fate here. Read – the rest of my life isn’t total shit.

Moving 3,000 miles across the country alone proves I’m in control to an extent. I have the power over my actions and my choices. I have the power of taking risks and taking life into my own hands, to seek out and get what it is that I want. I’m not afraid to fail, but I also know that I won’t in the end because I always keep trying.

Failure has a funny way of creeping up on you in ways you’d never expect. Beliefs have a funny way of creeping up on you in ways you’d never expect. And sometimes the things that you want have a funny way of kicking your ass and you sit back thinking you’re the most masochistic person you know because you insist on walking into the flames, but the truth is we’re all our own worst enemies to a point. Life is in fact an individual thing. We all live our own lives and our own paths. We need help and love and pushes along the way and sometimes we need space and privacy and with the age of the internet privacy isn’t as private as it used to be. Yet at the end of the day all we truly 100% have is ourselves. Maybe I’ve spent too much time alone by thinking that – who knows.

Spending time alone makes room in your life for so much. It allows you to find you again. It allows you to get lost in a world entirely your own. It allows you to weed out the people in your life that might not be contributing anything good or anything at all. I know it let me find me again. It let me decide who I wanted to be and not be worried about anyone else. I’m at the point that I don’t even care if I go to dinner or somewhere alone because so what, I’m treating myself. I no longer have time to just be friends with people because it’s easy. Rather that I hold a high standard for myself and those in it. Fun will be had, goals will be met, dreams will be chased. Maybe I’m jaded by my past and I needed this seclusion. Maybe I just needed time to recharge. At this point I do need to build other social aspects of my life, but I also embrace my alone time in a different way than before.

Overwhelmed… by crap

We’re connected every minute of every day. We constantly scroll screens and go about our regularly scheduled lives almost robotically. For some it’s work, others school, some both, some neither. But we’re surrounded by so much shit, constantly it’s overwhelming.

Really though… look around you. How many things do you have that if you got rid of tomorrow would not change your life in any way? How many things do you use that are supposed to be for “fun” but end up making things worse? You’re probably reading this on a phone right now. Technology is great and allows for many things we couldn’t have otherwise, but technology is also a hindrance because society depends on conformity, addiction and reliance. Don’t agree…think about it.

Look at the way we live. Many of us (I would have to believe) want to go about our business, make money, spend money, love, make love, have fun and grow in some way. When do we realize that the way we’re living is probably what is standing in our way? When do we try to really take care of ourselves? Where do we draw the line?

There are millions of homeless on the streets. There are millions without jobs and the ability to take care of themselves. Where do we draw the line at basic human need and necessity for survival? Many of the homeless are veterans. Where do we draw that line? The United States breeds soldiers for war, they don’t however prepare them to survive it. Mental health and survival tactics in this country are far from priorities when it comes to the masses. While we shouldn’t depend on the government for everything, we should be able to depend on people to do right by people. When those who fought for our freedom, those that could potentially give back to society, those that could lend help in ways we may not know we need, are left to die because well.. too bad for them… we all lose.

Why don’t we pay attention to the real life around us and pay attention to all the meaningless crap? One of these days we’re going to take a good look around and realize we have nothing we wanted and wonder how we got here. I know, I’ve already done it, more than once. I made a personal change. Not all are so lucky. Where is the American Dream? Where are the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? When do we slow down the rat race that no one is seemingly winning and breathe?

A little reflection

I’ve never been one to make a resolution, but this year is already a little different than the ones before it. I still haven’t made a resolution, but I have specific goals I’d like to pull off in some capacity.

I’ve been through a lot this year in the sense that I left a life I didn’t want in pursuit of a life I built for myself. Many people look at this as I ran away, but it doesn’t work like that. Rather than running away from a life I didn’t want, a person I didn’t want to be, a job I liked but not one that I could progress with, I ran into the unknown, I ran to the potential of a life I wanted to build for myself.

I took a dream I had by the balls and I ran with it. I drove 3,000 miles across the country without a place to live or a job and started to build something for myself. I had an apartment in a week and a job within the month. While I still have a ton of progress to make in my career and personal life, I am finally happy with who I am.

That being said, perspective is a deciphering factor here. Life is most adamantly a journey and I’m on the verge of getting more than I ever imagined. I can feel it. Whether that plays out as a good or a bad thing is still out for decision. But I digress… you are always a second away from changing your life despite what anyone else thinks. It will always be up to you and you have more control than you think. Be an active writer in your story. Let the crazy seep in and out as it may and know you never end up where you expect but that doesn’t mean it isn’t just as good if not better.

Until my next crazy train voyage… and there always is a next time… I’ll leave you with that. Take the risk, whether it feels like it or not you’ll have answers you never could have had before. Live the life of your dreams.

Lament of Times Past

After all this time how do you still get to me the way you do? The mere idea of you wrecks me in ways I’ve yet to be able to explain. That’s the rub though. I’m not the person I was when you and I were in full swing and neither are you. So far from those people yet those memories remain. Time being the true destroyer that she is, is the only thing that can finish “us” completely. Back and forth I go between knowing I’m better off without you and wishing you were somehow here with me.

Toxic. Abusive. Fucked up. Amazing. Intense. Inspired. Words and phrases I use more than I’d like to admit about us, yet truthful nonetheless. Why does this story never leave my head? We both chose to go where we did. We both made mistakes. We both had great times. How did we get where we did, I almost have no idea.

We let life happen, but we both knowingly chose to be there. Time took us away and almost ten years later I’m still sitting here feeling about it all. Something I would have to believe you’d accuse me of not actually doing.

I do and don’t care what you think, because I know what my reality was. Yet that doesn’t erase the feelings of wishing you knew how to love and be loved by me. Knowing that won’t ever happen and probably shouldn’t we both went our ways.

So how do I truly leave this behind? The love I never thought or meant to have? The one I still have a hard time getting over even though when the thought of you crosses my mind and I see your face in my head I feel a stranger where my best friend used to be. A shadow of what we knew has veiled us both. Lost in the dark, forced to find our own way.

I doubt you even think of me anymore. I doubt I ever really meant anything to you in the first place. No one ever understood us and I’m almost positive that we didn’t either. I’m not the bad guy in this. Neither are you. It doesn’t work that way and it never has.

So why do I sit here trying to find the answers to an unanswerable question when you just carried on? Why do people still come to me like I’m going to rush in and save you when neither of us could save us? Is it because I’m truly seeking happiness and actively doing whatever I can to have a life I made for myself that I want and you have yet to go after what it is that you said you truly want? Where does this end? How can it end? Am I forever doomed to repeat these cycles until time takes them from me? When does it end? Can it?