It’s been almost a year since I moved from NY to CA. Still trying to figure out my new “home” as it is definitely not NY anymore… Yet when someone here asks where I’m from my response is always, “I’m from NY” so lines tend to blur. Maybe because Los Angeles is full of transplants and I say NY almost daily or maybe it’s just a different version of “home” because how could it not be. Home has been lost for me plenty of times by now but where my parents and family are is still a home of sorts.
With that said…I think I’ve truly mastered the art of being alone. I’ve always needed my alone time or my personal time or what say you, but I’ve always been a very social person. For the first time in my life I was truly left with my thoughts and mine alone. It is a wonderful thing… to an extent. Being I am very much an over analyzer I am always with my thoughts whether I like it or not, but I think I’m finally getting some clarity. You’d be surprised how mottled life gets when you’re going through the motions of what you don’t want because you need to survive. I’m still going through the motions in a job I don’t like, but I’m still the one in control of my supposed fate here. Read – the rest of my life isn’t total shit.
Moving 3,000 miles across the country alone proves I’m in control to an extent. I have the power over my actions and my choices. I have the power of taking risks and taking life into my own hands, to seek out and get what it is that I want. I’m not afraid to fail, but I also know that I won’t in the end because I always keep trying.
Failure has a funny way of creeping up on you in ways you’d never expect. Beliefs have a funny way of creeping up on you in ways you’d never expect. And sometimes the things that you want have a funny way of kicking your ass and you sit back thinking you’re the most masochistic person you know because you insist on walking into the flames, but the truth is we’re all our own worst enemies to a point. Life is in fact an individual thing. We all live our own lives and our own paths. We need help and love and pushes along the way and sometimes we need space and privacy and with the age of the internet privacy isn’t as private as it used to be. Yet at the end of the day all we truly 100% have is ourselves. Maybe I’ve spent too much time alone by thinking that – who knows.
Spending time alone makes room in your life for so much. It allows you to find you again. It allows you to get lost in a world entirely your own. It allows you to weed out the people in your life that might not be contributing anything good or anything at all. I know it let me find me again. It let me decide who I wanted to be and not be worried about anyone else. I’m at the point that I don’t even care if I go to dinner or somewhere alone because so what, I’m treating myself. I no longer have time to just be friends with people because it’s easy. Rather that I hold a high standard for myself and those in it. Fun will be had, goals will be met, dreams will be chased. Maybe I’m jaded by my past and I needed this seclusion. Maybe I just needed time to recharge. At this point I do need to build other social aspects of my life, but I also embrace my alone time in a different way than before.