Los Angeles Chronicles: The Result of a Dream Achieved – More Questions

So now what? I’ve been here for almost 2 years. I work in the field of my choice. I have a job that is somewhat related to what I went to school for. I’m paying my bills and saving a little. I’ve learned more about myself and the ways in which I define me. I’ve set goals and made progress. I’ve been trying and doing. I feel like I’ve gotten nowhere even though I know that’s not true. I have a few more long term goals I never thought of in the past that my adult self actually wants. And I’m trying to get to accomplishing them, but time and money will tell.  Gotta take one step at a time and I’m doing that. So… what’s the problem? Clearly it’s me. Ha.

Now that I’ve achieved this dream and got to keep it, despite almost losing it, I almost don’t want it anymore. I figured out that the problem becomes I no longer see what’s in it for me anymore. And when you’re talking about life and your decisions that isn’t exactly the place you want to be. Bored and going through the motions isn’t a good place. This may change from day to day, but overall if you’re not happy you need to do something different. So, what comes next?

Do I take another risk? Being more secure in my own self… I want to make another rash decision. Very much like the last one I made to get here. They say that like any addiction, feelings of being alive also take more and more to achieve. And I most definitely want to feel alive. And despite knowing what I know… I can’t help the feeling of this still isn’t quite right. Do I wait it out or do I do something else; the decision I’m forcing myself to make. But why?

Did doing it and realizing that everything is temporary change life as I knew it? Yeah it did, how could it not? I know I’m not good at letting go because I either love or I don’t. I either do or I don’t. As much as I recognize that the grey exists, a lot of life is cut and dry. I’ve learned and figured things out along the way and I would not take anything I’ve achieved in the last 2 years back, but what’s left for me here? I still have an untethered lifestyle here. If I left here tomorrow it really wouldn’t matter. Am I just making this harder for myself or is there truth in it? Or is it both?

I keep asking myself these questions. On the quest to figure myself out these have been some of my problems. I don’t think anyone really has the answers, but being someone who isn’t afraid to take a risk, and realizing that all is in fact temporary, where do I go from here?

Do I take another? Do I stand still here hoping and trying to work things out that I feel I need? I think I’m going to challenge myself to that actually. I’m giving myself 90 days from today to figure out what I want to do. If I don’t put work into it, I stay. If I do put work into it, I’ll know what comes next.

With the attempt at finding yourself and knowing how you tick I think you have to ask 30 years worth of questions and still surrender yourself to the reality of feelings. I say what the fuck am I doing ten times a day to myself. I spent all day “at work” not working because I have nothing to do after asking for more work. Maybe I have commitment issues… well shit reverse that – I know I have commitment issues but not usually in this way.  I know this isn’t my ending. But is it the lull in the middle or was it the descent of an ending chapter?

Am I about to enter another new book of life? Honestly I think I am. This time I’m just not waiting to see what happens, I’m actively participating in my own life.


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