Day 5: Mindfucking myself

Maybe it’s because it’s Monday or maybe because that’s just how I am at times, I’m currently screwing myself over. Remember people: a mind is a terrible thing to use against yourself.

It’s days like these that remind me about depression and anxiety and how real they are. Not wanting to get out of bed. Reeling until you can’t find anything good to land on again. Dwelling on the shit of what if and making everything worse for myself. Hard to explain to everyone and it doesn’t show up the same way all the time. Right now I’m contemplating my next move because I really don’t have what I want in life. I spent the last few months searching for a job and a way to stay and now that I have it, it’s not what I want. Life is hard at best, but this has been insane.

I don’t want to start over, but at the same time I do. I don’t have the life I want and I don’t exist in the world I want to be in… so yes, I want to start over. I want to have friends and fun and I don’t necessarily need to reinvent the wheel any time things don’t go the way I want them to, but when is enough enough? I feel like there’s nothing here for me anymore. I feel like I’m driving myself up the wall when I know this isn’t working.

I really think it’s time for me to leave. Not in a forever and ever I’m not coming back kind of way, but a this isn’t right at this point in my life. At least it doesn’t feel right. I want my own place. I want to have fun. I want to feel alive and like I’m actually living my life on purpose. I’m starting to repeat myself but it is what it is.

The problem becomes…. where do I go next… I guess that’s the next problem to be solved. A heading. Times like this I’d love that compass that points to what your heart wants most. That and to stop mindfucking myself with all the crazy that just really doesn’t need to be. Stay, go, hate it here, nothing I want… too expensive, love it, can’t ever get ahead, too many issues. Too many irrationalities and they’re all starting to kick my ass.

Day 5: starting to gain clarity but being my own worst enemy

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