Day 19: Hazy blur of a Monday

The days I wake up in a good mood and jam out on the way to work, get through the day rather quickly and don’t have a ton of time to be left with my own wandering mind… are the days that almost make it worse. They’re the days that I need, but the ones I still don’t yet trust.

From the time we’re little kids through our adult lives we’re conditioned to be a certain way. Whether we learned to be this way because of our environment or things within ourselves, breaking your own conditioning isn’t a simple feat. It takes a lot of breaking to make someone new. It takes a lot of rewiring to change the things you believe are you at your core. These things could be mental instability or irrational fears, but they’re things that make up who you believe you are.

My dad hates heights. The last time I saw him, I was driving us through the mountains in Arizona. You can see over the cliffs as you drive upward in this particular spot. He was having a hard time to say the least. He said something to me when we got to the top and the most important part was, “at least I know I didn’t pass on irrational fear.” This was in response to me saying I don’t hate heights, but I don’t think he realized what he actually tapped into.

Since then I’ve been thinking about the things I’m afraid of. I’ve thought about the things that scare the shit out of me in general and on a deeper level. And about the things I really want to do in life. We all have our fears. Sometimes I do things that scare me for the sheer fact that they scare me and I don’t like to be afraid of anything. The irrational fear that I believe makes up a person in terms of core characteristics is a different kind of fear. This is the fear you work up in your mind. The anxiety inducing fear. The depression driven fear. The haze that forms between who you are and who you are under the influence of mental instability. They’re two very different things.

My fear is being miserable and because of it I almost self fulfill. We’re surrounded by complete shit at every turn. The media is shit. Technology and social media are full of shit. Half the time I’m full of shit lol. I’m trying to re-wire the person I want to be and on the days I feel the most change I rethink everything I possibly could because I’m not used to being this way.

I lost who I was in a pile of crazy decisions and too many parties. For the first time in my life I wasn’t worried about having fun because I was living it. I was having it. I was seeking it. I had the fun but I had nothing else I wanted. Now I have neither but I’m working on both. I had to re-invent the wheel and re-invent myself because I no longer want the things I once did. And the irrational fears are usually being induced by myself and putting myself in positions I’ve never quite been comfortable in but put myself in anyway. We torture ourselves because of the way we’re conditioned.

Everyone has irrational fear. Everyone has conditioning. But who we want to be and who we are don’t have to be different people. We do have to break the habit of being ourselves (this is actually a book) and learn to rewire the things we want from our lives, but like everything the process kicks your ass. The in between leads to the blur and haze of a life broken and a life not yet made. I need to remind myself to keep moving forward. I need to remind myself not to act more jaded than I actually am. I need to remind myself to let go of the shit that hurts me. And I need to stop holding on so hard to the things that make me feel good.

But no matter what I should and shouldn’t be doing….. it’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay to be who I am. It’s okay to be who you are whether you’re in a transition or not. It’s okay. Break free.

Day 19: learning to be who I am, it’s a transition of breaking free

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