Frustrated with my day to day world as per usual, but still trying different things to shake it up I addressed something that truly concerned me. My passion for things and my ability to bitch about all the things I don’t want rather than the things I actually do. This time I want to stop and talk about progress.
Slow and steady is the Progress Turtle. The one that eventually gets there, but has to take its time. The word progress bar in terms of technology now has a different feeling attached to it entirely (at least in my mind). Anywhoo…
I’ve come a very long way in the last few years. Honestly they all seem like a blur but for the first time in as long as I can remember my heart isn’t pushed, pulled at, beaten up on or palpitating at the thought, sight or dream of you. I know who you are, you’re my second love. You had your place and I think I’m finally over it. 7 years of an unbalanced relationship and this marks year 3 apart and here we are.
I’ve had another come into my world, very much like you, but better. Let’s call him #3.
#1 was the vision of lives past and he’s been let go quite some time ago. He’s the one I like to refer to as belonging to each other in another life.
#2 was the crazy toxic, passionate, fly by the seat of your pants, no rules but an understanding, addicting, power struggle that still seemingly kept a balance.
#3 isn’t love, but more of an upgrade to #2. He’s shown me what I wish #2 had. He’s someone I never thought I’d need but for the 6 months he’s been around he’s shook my thoughts on love for the better.
Within the last 6 months I’ve changed probably 5 times overall. With the introduction of #3 I was reliving #2 but with a different person.
You go by the same first name, you’re the same zodiac sign, you both stayed up talking to me about anything and everything at all hours of the night, we’re unapologetically ourselves, there’s a level of play and sass that’s all in good fun, we drink the same things, you make me feel like I’m not insane and we’re equal in our level of crazy despite not always knowing or trusting it. Everything that I thought I had lost a long time ago in a person I had again.
I reverted in a way I didn’t understand. Then we hung out and I pushed limits. I let out the crazy, I kept being myself, I showed many sides but this time, I wasn’t afraid to tell you anything for fear of you blaming or walking away from me because you weren’t the one I was afraid to lose. You were better. You treated me better. You showed me worth, value, and respect.
I changed again, I became that giddy school girl that I rarely knew existed. I was happy. I was level. I was stable. I was feeling alive for the first time since I came down from the high of moving 3,000 miles. I wavered uncertain of what this would be, I doubted its reality and I still don’t know where we stand; yet we live together. I’m in a better version of the life I saw flash before me in NY almost 5 years ago, but I’m no where near where I want to be.
I realized what I was doing, but I still couldn’t do anything to fuck it up…. I shifted. We got a little distance between us and then we ended up living together. Still not knowing where things are today marked a new dawn for me despite me not knowing it. I left my house happy, I enjoyed my environment, I enjoyed your presence, its easy, its fun, its worth the time. And despite not knowing what we are to each other because I’m the queen of the undefined relationship, I’m okay with it because I think we both needed it. We both needed to be shown the way.
So here I am, writing after coming through part of the fray of the last six months. Looking at life differently yet again, feeling differently about myself. Realizing that everyday is a very different experience and that’s okay. Giving myself permission to let go and just be. Allowing my set backs to be in the past or something I can realize and get over. Realizing how far I’ve really come and I’m not actually afraid of where to go this time.
I’ve been talking to people more. I’ve been living more. I’ve been talking to completely different people more. I’ve made progress. I’ve lived many lives already and I have not yet begun to really live. Not on my own terms, at least, not yet. That is the next step.
I jumped the gun the last time I wanted to travel for 6 months. I still want to do that. I jumped the gun on creating a company and in the midst of the crazy that I was about to endure I got thrown off the path. But that’s the thing about the path… there’s more than one.
There is more than one path or purpose to life. Living in fear of what might be is the ultimate deathwish. It’s time I figure out who I want to be, what activities I need to nurture, what things I should be pursuing and know that not everyday is going to be eventful. But it is still combining days into a life and that in itself is power.
Progress is a fickle friend and I tend to doubt myself when I get backed into a corner.
Always willing to jump and run for it but always somewhat of a calculated risk taker.
I need to let me head and my heart align in their freedom when I can have it and pay attention to their dichotomies when they don’t.
It’s time that I live the life I dream up for myself and it’s time I shift and evolve again because I owe it to myself to do so.
It’s time to take another risk. It’s time.
**this was actually written a few weeks back, but I didn’t consider it finished yet. I added in a couple lines and now it’s time to share. 😉