I’ve been doing a lot of collecting lately. Mostly in forms of information. I recently re-read all of my blog posts as well as all of the journals that I’ve ever written and have been trying to reflect on how I’ve gotten to this point in life. Constantly seeking answers and seemingly coming up short…time moves along.
I’ve been unemployed for about two months now and I’ve read 5 books, gone through multiple webinars, fallen into the void of the internet more times than I can count, watched more than 3 shows in their entirety on Netflix and at least a dozen movies, and as much as I’ve made progress, I still feel just as lost.
In the meantime I feel like I’m no longer even part of the world of the living. Perpetually stuck in limbo grasping at my next step. When I lost my job my world in LA shattered. And of course losing your job never comes at a good time, but it had to be when my parents set foot on the west coast for the first time in 20 years. I hadn’t seen them in at least 6 months. Shocked at the circumstances I knew the job I had wasn’t working. Having already made a job switch in February I was uprooting my “life” again. And now faced with a choice of staying or going back. My parents were in the middle of it.
At the end of the week, my parents left and for the first time I didn’t actually want them to go. That for me is a feat in itself. Then, I went back to New York because I couldn’t handle being alone or standing where I was. I discovered that I hate everything about “there” when I’m actually there, including myself. It gets romanticized from the outside, but from the inside it tears me to shreds. This now seems like my cycle, like a cat I have 9 nine lives and I’ve already used at least 4 so far. Not ever holding onto the me I was at different facets of my life, I go full circle yet never connect because there really isn’t ever a literal going back. Time moves along.
At war with constant change and what never seems to be the right change, the emotional turmoil turned inward. Going through interview after interview feeling stupid every time someone asks me what I’m good at… I think if you only knew the slightest thing about me. This is stupid. All of the hiring games so impersonal. Here take an IQ test. Here take this assessment. I play the games I get the interviews, I get ignored, I twist and turn mentally. I swear I ask myself daily, “what the fuck am I doing?!” Still making progress, committing to the relationship I have with myself, running out of money, another crappy interview with a company I don’t want to work for, time moves along.
I always search the past to fix the future and it never fully works, but I always progress. I try to exist without it and there’s nothing there. I fake the motions. I change the mental channel. I try to take in that which is actually helpful. Ever learning and searching. Creating and seeking the answers that I so desperately want to find. All I can ask is – what do I want? Well – I have no fucking clue what the answer to that is anymore.
One of the books I read talked about time. It said time is something you can’t hold onto. It’s only something you can spend. What does it mean that I don’t know where I want to spend my time anymore? Is it lost/lack of love? Lack of attachment? Or do I need to really just give myself time? Like a gift to figure it all out?
I’ve done so many things in life and I have so many more to do. Having been told I “have so much more power than I know,” by someone who’s opinion I highly value, I have to admit we all do. I get intense. I get heavy. I reel all day everyday. Happy. Depressed. Crazy. Passionate. Silly. Quiet. Loud. >insert Disney song< All of Life’s a game. The last two months have royally kicked my ass. I’m at a point I never thought I’d be. Attempting to be happy with any choice that presents itself whether in California or New York or anywhere in the world at this point I really don’t know anymore. I’m open to trying something I’ve never done because I want to achieve things I’ve never had before. And the one thing I know is time moves along.
So do I take another risk? Do I hold onto this one? Do I risk going back? What does life #5 hold for me? Where will that time be spent? Stay tuned.