Okay, so yesterday I challenged myself to a “90 day challenge” of making up my mind/making a decision on what comes next.
I’m going to write 1 post a day for the next 90 days and document some of my thoughts, findings and see where I end up. I’ve never done anything like this before and I think it’s time I stop driving myself crazy and start doing something about it. Here goes.
Instead of making an entirely rash decision I’m going to see what I dwell on and what I flourish with and where the in between lies. I have dealt with depression and mental health issues in the past so apologies if some of these get kinda strange. This is really more for me than anything else. It’s a way to be accountable to myself. But that was your warning haha.
So far I started my day thinking, “ugh another boring nothing to do at work day.” Then I cranked the punk rock in the car and I almost instantly felt alive. The effect music has is usually astronomical; already knew this but it’s still good to know. I started a job about 3 weeks ago and I still don’t have a day’s worth of work to do. Some days I’m making up things for myself to do all day, others I’m only making things up half the day. But I digress…I knew going in this wasn’t my dream job and it wasn’t going to be something I do for the next 10-20 years. I just didn’t expect to have to be chained to a desk with my own thoughts wreaking havoc in my brain all day.
Today has been good so far but behold: It’s after lunch and nothing to do again! Woo. Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate down time, I hate the daily downtime when I’m left with too many of my own thoughts because I already live in my head the minute I leave work. It only works well in here if I have some distractions throughout the day.
I’ve already figured out on days that I talk to someone on the way home I’m in a better mood. On days I go for a walk and jam out or talk to someone my body isn’t as sore from sitting at a desk all day. Mood, body… time for the mind. I’ve been working on the mental control thing and it’s helping, but my issue is I don’t have “fun” in my life at a constant rate or at a consistent rate. I don’t have that one friend I can call and do things with no matter what it is. I do and don’t want that friend, but it would be nice to have the option exist.
I keep going back to “leaving” because I’ve gotten a lot out of being here so far, but I still have nothing I want and it’s more than discouraging. Well that isn’t totally true I’m in the location I wanted, but if I left here tomorrow and never came back – so what. I don’t like so what. I keep toying with the idea of trying to get a remote job and travel the world. A different kind of untethered living but one I have done a little of before for short periods and felt more alive than I could imagine. That’s what I’m looking for – the feeling and the freedom and the adventure/excitement. I don’t have those things here because I’m too stuck going through the motions, but I really don’t know what else to do.
You’re indifferent to staying despite not wanting to “go back.” The difference this time is wanting to go forward, but not with the idea of permanence. You are in a different place in life and in a different mindset. You do need to be social and you do need friends. You have goals you want and things to accomplish in the future. Overall you’re the best you’ve been in a very long time, so do you actually want to stay? Right now if you left tomorrow and never came back you wouldn’t care. – So what – but is that what you’re telling yourself or is it actually how you feel? No idea.
Day 1 and I have no idea what I’m doing – as usual.