Los Angeles Chronicles: Figuring Myself Out – More

I found it! That Eureka moment that everything clicked. And ironically it was while reading someone else’s blog. I’ve been on a journey unlike that which I’ve known in the past. I’ve been allowing myself to feel when I feel and “be” when I need to be. I’ve actually been listening to my own intuition of sorts when it comes to where I want to go next or where I want to go at all. I’ve dealt with so many different things and I almost forget how far I’ve come. How many lives I’ve actually lived. Each part of my life I’ve become a different person. Not in a schizophrenic kind of way, but more in a different phase of life, yet still completely different persons at times.

Who I was at 5 wasn’t who I was at 15, at 20, at 25. I’ve believed in myself and not. I’ve taken leaps of faith and typical risks to get where I’ve been. I’ve gained friends and loves and family along the way. I’ve lost friends and loves and family along the way. I’m not the same person I was 10 minutes ago and time keeps moving me forward.

I’ve finally been realizing that even though I lost my job and I didn’t think I could stay in California, that I’m going to no matter what. Because I had to admit to myself that it was something I still wanted. I had to admit my own feelings. I had to get to where I got and I had to be lost along the way. I’ve been lost for the last 6+ years and it isn’t anyone’s fault. I lived life into the unknown and that’s where I’ve stayed because the next step isn’t one that is already decided for me. Nor could it be.

I’ve always hated the saying “everything happens for a reason.” I do however like the saying “there are no such things as coincidences.” Everything happens for a reason makes it sound like life is living me rather than me living my life. No such thing as a coincidence feels more real to me, more forgiving and even a little less harsh, but still more real. We all make mistakes. For some it’s a haircut that signifies the end of the world and for others it’s a divorce or the loss of a close relative or friend. Some of us have crazy amounts of student loan debt and others are already at the top of their careers ready to buy a house for their dog.

But we all go through phases. We all have to learn how to feel what we feel or at least admit to ourselves that we can feel. The aha moment I had has come after two really good weeks for me mentally and physically. It was while I was reading “4 questions Google can never answer for you.” Little to say it talked about us searching for – information – when in reality what we’re trying to figure out are – feelings -.

I spent most of my life denying I had feelings. I spent most of my life pushing them down in misery or in pain. I’ve been doing a lot of searching lately and I’ve been seeking a lot of knowledge in general. I’ve already built a life for myself in a place of my choosing. Not being ideal quite yet I still have a ways to go I did it nonetheless. I’ve made a few friends and had a few crushes, dated someone, switched jobs, made, spent, earned, lost and wished for money.

I’ve found my own world. I’ve made it one I can be proud to be a part of and one that I will continue to choose despite anything else. The time may come where I’ve grown or changed again and my location or my personal needs change as well and that’s okay.

The other thing I’ve realized is that as a kid we all look at adults like we have the answers to life’s problems. The problem is when we get there no one has a clue. Well no one but you has a clue or a key to unlock your life but you. It’s amazing to have people to enjoy the ride along the way, but you’re the one who has to choose your own fate.

If I spent half as much time fighting myself as I did just doing what I thought I wanted or needed or both, I’d be a completely different person. But right now I am who I choose to be and I will change again. So what comes next? Well hopefully a job and a bigger foundation on the life that I want.

Los Angeles Chronicles: Being Lost is Relative & so is Being Found

Here I am a year and a half into the “life I always dreamt about”… I’m without direction and fairly sick of looking to the past. Needless to say this experience hasn’t been what I’ve expected it to be – then again nothing ever is. In some ways it’s been a million times better than I could imagine and in other ways it’s one of the most life shattering situations to be in.

I am in love with Los Angeles. I love California in more ways than I can describe. The feelings of contentment and fullness. The clarity and the head space have both completely improved within. Yet, I’m so lost. I never expected to start a new life and end up with the job of my dreams, the love of my life, and a big fat bank account in a year. Honestly I’d barely expect that in the next five years (mostly because I’m realistic). But this entire experience has left me with one major thought — what do you do when you’re feeling completely lost, yet you’re finally feeling okay with who you are again?

Okay, wait a minute – hold that thought. Rewind…. I lost my job back at the end of May. I’ve been attempting to find my way since then, but I’ve been coming up short. I’ve gotten multiple interviews and have had call backs on second rounds, yet this time I can’t seem to seal the deal. After three months of agonizing over my next step and whether or not I get to stay here because of monetary responsibilities, I realized I’m just as lost as I was when I left, but now I’m a person I want to be.

I’ve come a long way from the person I had become when I left my hometown for the third time. I took a giant risk because I owed it to myself. I have given a lot and I have done what I have to do. Yet here I am worse off than I was when I got here. Feeling like a failure because I have nothing to show for this last year, but what lies within, I realize again…. being lost is relative. I may have found myself in a lot of ways, but when you’re lacking direction what do you do? I chased a dream to get here. I took a leap of faith and it initially paid off. I’m in a position to have to do whatever I absolutely must to stay, but I also have to admit to myself I absolutely do not want to leave.

All of these things come back to our own ideals and expectations of where we thought we’d be at this age. I have nothing I’ve ever wanted, yet in the last week I’ve been happier than I ever have in this country. Yes – this country. Some of it is letting yourself be. Some of it is realizing set backs happen, things don’t always fit, and it’s okay to feel what you feel. The difference is admitting the shit exists, but realizing that you don’t have to let it consume you.

I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life. I fight my own demons daily just to get out of bed. Sometimes I look in the mirror and realize hey the demon is me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I scream internally “you fucken got this stop doubting yourself.” And sometimes I fly without a net hoping for the best because uncharted territory and the unknown have taken over my life. But I digress…

It’s been a pretty great week for me so far. The month of August is turning my world around and all of it is happening for the better. The culmination of the last two months doesn’t define me. Nothing is set in stone and this is NOT the end. I need to remember to let myself have what I want and let myself be happy when shit hits the fan. I need to remember that school’s over and the “right path” in terms of life really doesn’t exist. Never having an answer to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up” I’m still searching for a career but maybe the issue is I haven’t invented it yet.

We are the creators of our own worlds. We have to take the good and the bad. When we feel we have nothing to show, we need to find small ways to prove it to ourselves. When we feel lost, we need to do something that makes us found in the space in which we exist. When we doubt our abilities sometimes we just need a friend. And sometimes we just have to play the game and play in general. Thus realizing that life doesn’t need to be so serious and that everything in life is temporary. And sometimes – I need to take my own advice and realize that life is good. Sometimes we all need reminders that we deserve to be happy and just let ourselves accept them.

Lost Angeles Chronicles: Internal struggle in a >political< world of uncertainty

I’m finally at the point in my life where I seek information on a daily basis. Whether by curiosity or need, I spend most of my time reading. I can never seem to take enough information in and there is always more out there. The issue isn’t what is available – as Google does most of the work when it comes to searching – rather that who tells the truth, what is real, what is not and how much shit do I have to dig through to find it? And even sometimes, why is the satire just so damn true?!

Anyway…

There is a lot going on in this world, good and bad at any moment. People are up in arms about politics worldwide and people are doing everything from predicting the world’s end to ignoring that we’re even in trouble. What troubles me… what makes me fight myself internally… the future of it all. I sit here trying to plan for my future the best I can and now everything I thought was once possible is shifted. Everything I once wanted for myself seems so out of touch with reality. I find myself thinking, “holy shit I must be American because this whole thing makes me want to strap on a gun and rush the battlefield.” Yes, this is hyperbole, but anyone even somewhat like myself should totally understand where that’s coming from.

I try to go on with life “as usual.” I try to go through the motions and ignore what is out there because I know that it only ends up with me being angry that so many people are  entirely against others that they know nothing about and are so quick to call them terrorists when the United States has pretty much been the biggest terrorizer in the world since it was “born.” /run on sentence

But damn. How the fuck did we get here? Why?! What are we doing to ourselves and others?! How do we sit back and let people take over within our own country with views and beliefs that aren’t just opposite ours, but totally against everyone who isn’t them?! How did we become this completely divided among ourselves? When you wake up everyday and the threat of an attack in some form is now in your backyard, what are you supposed to do? This isn’t about being “safe” it’s about actually being able to live the life you want to live for yourself. Yes, safety plays a role but fuck man. At the end of the day our lives in the U.S. aren’t hard in conventional ways )#firstworldproblems is definitely the best way to describe it) but look at our government. We were supposed to be the system that was by the people, for the people…Now… The party that claims they want less government is the party that wants to take all your individual rights away by government mandate. The party that is supposed to be for all is totally split due to self righteousness and arrogance. And those that actually want to change for the greater good are being left unheard and walked on. So, where the hell do we go from here?

Again, I sit here and think about my future. The prospects of love and happiness, a potential family and house to raise them in. Not only are those things becoming harder and harder to attain because of the way the American world functions, but now I have to fight people off to have rights to my own body. I start thinking…”WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE” followed by, “How do I change the world around me?!” Why do I sit here in the midst of superficial shit screaming for change and no one pays attention? Am I the only one that wants to give up all my childhood dreams and figure out how to join in the political fight and change this from within? Why aren’t people more outraged? Do we not know how to ban together because we really have drifted so far apart?

Yes, my future has always been uncertain because time, unlike life is in fact linear… but the question, “where do I go from here” seems to have so much more attached to it now. As I fight for what I believe in, in hopes of a future actually worth having, do I have to fight myself too? I know this is a fight worth fighting, I know this is a risk worth taking, so why does it seem like so much of a leap of faith and why does it seem that my future is lost to me in a way it never was before? Why do I contemplate the real meaning of what comes next with such emphasis when in my proverbial yesterday  it didn’t seem as daunting? Who and what are we becoming and what do we have to do to change? Is anyone alive out there, can anyone hear me?!

 

Los Angeles Chronicles: Ever Searching

Life is a never ending process except for when it actually ends. The only issue and it’s kind of a big one – we usually have no concept of an ending, we really only have today, we really only have the journey.

I’ve noticed a few things lately and I’m not entirely sure if they’re good, bad or just are. I’ve noticed that anytime you ask someone you actually feel is qualified to answer your questions, they have no idea either. That the little things may totally add up, yet we’re always grasping at the major life moments and we forget the in between – ya know those moments that actually make up a life. We somehow spend our entire lives searching, yet what do we really find? Time is linear, life is not, yet our time in life albeit longer than we’d wish sometimes is a lot shorter in the scheme of “Life” as a concept.

There are I’m going to say a handful of people in the world in terms of types: those who dream, those who dream and manage to go after their dreams and are somehow able to pull them off, those who never dare to dream and are okay with the status quo, and those that always want, but never seek. This may be an over simplification, but it’s just an observation.

This year has held a lot of growth for me, yet I still don’t have the answers. The more I seek, the more I find there is to learn, the more I find simplicity doesn’t happen, at least not for me. The more I dream and let myself wander through the hopes and potentials of what may be out there I’m thwarted with reality of going through the motions of a 9-5 desk job that doesn’t pay me enough to pay off my student loans in the next 20 years.

With that said, I find myself to be the one that has to remind myself that you have to start somewhere. That you can’t start where you want to end up because you can’t start at the end. As much as I’ve been through in life and as much as I’ve “lived” so far, Los Angeles was my new beginning. Yes, I’ve been trying and putting effort and what not into my life thus far, but I left my life as I knew it. I’ve left my life as I knew it more than once, and despite going “back” to a place that is familiar… each time I got a different result. Life isn’t a math problem, you’re never going to get the same answer exactly. You might do the same thing 20 times before thinking “why do I do that” but you’re not at fault for making a mistake… it doesn’t work that way, not in everything. Because each time you make a mistake, let’s say with dating someone or with loving someone, or letting a friend take advantage when you think you’re just helping them out… the circumstances are different, you’re different. We’re ever changing, ever evolving, ever growing. The society we live in results in us always being plugged into something whether we use it to seek knowledge or to thwart it, it’s there. We react to what’s around us and we perceive our wants and needs and attempt to act accordingly, yet we still somehow miss the boat. We forget that we don’t go from being an entry level worker to the CEO without the shit in between. We forget that we can’t have a marriage without first putting in the work. We forget that we both lose and find ourselves so many times before we even realize we’ve changed,  but it’s okay. If we actively seek who we want ourselves to be and are constantly making an effort to grow in general, in any way… we’re going to make it. We might not end up where we thought because hey life never gives you what you expect it to… but sometimes the journey is the point, the ride to the end beats the end every time.

So whether you’re down because it’s Monday, or pissed because things aren’t going as you planned, or anxious because you’re not where you want to be, remember (this is a message to myself as well): tomorrow is another day to try your best and that’s all you can do, keep trying. Never stop searching for the answers. Maybe someday you’ll find them, if I find em, I’ll let you know.

Los Angeles Chronicles: I can while away the hours

It’s that moment in life when you’ve finally made significant progress and the same moment that screams at you – You’re not there yet!

I can say that most of us spend the majority of our week working at a job. Whether we like that job or not is the issue. Call me an idealist… but… wouldn’t it be nice to actually do something we’re passionate about rather than just taking whatever we have to, to get by and actually pay the bills?

I moved to Los Angeles in pursuit of a dream. I love my apartment, but it still hasn’t been made into “home” yet. I love LA/California, yet rush hour traffic on the 405 definitely leaves room for improvement. I like that everything is new, I like that I have a few friends but still have a lot of personal time comparatively speaking. I’m making more money than I have so far in life, yet I still stress because barely making it by is an understatement. My job isn’t terrible, but it is. I spend almost 4 hours a day in rush hour Los Angeles traffic. I beg for work at work and consistently have nothing to do (writing this at work now). My skills aren’t being utilized and my pay while may be the highest I’ve received, isn’t enough to actually live.

The progress I feel I’ve made in the last year has been great. The personal triumphs and the personal breakthroughs have been amazing. I’ve been taking more and more control over what I want and actively seeking my happiness. I’ve been putting the time, effort and energy into myself and it is paying off, but very slowly and that’s okay (progress is progress). Knowing that life is hard and I’m willing to work my ass off for it, I will always risk what I have if I don’t have what I want – in hopes of something better. So what now?

I’ve redone, updated, and sent out countless resumes. I’ve gone on multiple interviews. I end up either intimidating the interviewer or making them feel stupid (not intentionally). What do I have to do to finally land the position in which I may actually have room to grow and gain responsibility? What do I have to do to actually make enough money to live? What do I have to do to actually enjoy my life? And don’t even get me started on romantic relationships – that monster is a horse of a different color…

Why does everyone think that “hard work pays off” when the majority of people who work hard are the ones being screwed? Why is it that those willing to bust their ass aren’t the ones who are given a chance? What the hell am I missing here, because clearly it’s something big.

I get it, I’m a kid, but I still have more than adult sized bills. I get it, there’s a lot of competition. I get it, (again) life’s hard. But why is it so damn hard to the point where you have to kiss a company you aren’t sure you want to work for’s ass in hopes that you can eat that night? Why is this the world we live in? Is it terrible? Of course not. Am I sitting here asking myself if this post is even worth it, of course I am. Do I recognize that these are first world problems, absolutely. They are my problems nonetheless.

I’ve noticed something about movies and tv shows, they always wrap up life so nicely. Even when there are problems they only last so long or the viewers get bored… There’s always a little drama but the major things people tend to want, a house, a car, a relationship, a marriage, a family, a career, you name it – always seem attainable. Yes some of those things are materialistic but I’m talking about living, ya know paying for food to eat and actually having the money to do so as well as pay your rent. Yes, I know they’re made up stories. Yes, I know it’s a show/movie. Yes, I know time is a different animal in real life.  But why is it that happiness seems to be the hardest thing to hold onto in a world where you don’t have it that terribly hard, yet you still don’t have the money to live? Why is staying happy one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do?

When does my life become something I live with pure enjoyment despite the bad? As much as I’m a dreamer, I’m still a realist. Life has bad parts, we get hurt,  and sometimes shit sucks, it is inevitable, but when does progress actually reach fruition? When can you finally reach a point in life where you can say you’ve become successful?  What about becoming happy? Does it or can it ever truly happen? Or are we all just reaching for a dream only found on screens in hopes reality isn’t that bad?

 

Los Angeles Chronicles: What are we doing?

Like millions of others in this country right now I’m going to voice my opinion. Overall, I can say we’re at a great divide when it comes to the outcome of this election. Overall, I’d have to say we’ve clearly failed at educating our masses. Overall, I’d have to say life isn’t terrible, but has room for improvement. And lastly take a good hard look in the mirror before you judge anyone, but yourself.

That being said. I’m sick of being told I’m a sore loser when it isn’t about Hillary Clinton losing. I’m sick of being called a special snowflake by someone who lacks the capacity to understand anyone’s point of view other than their own. I’m sick of people telling others to grow up and act like an adult and be accountable for your actions, when they fail to realize what that even entails.

Firstly, people on both sides, shut the fuck up and listen for once. Secondly, those Boomers telling us Millennials to grow up, we’re the product of your teaching – remember that. We want the things you had the chances to pursue; you know, a house, a car, a spouse, a potential family. When we can’t have those things we’ve inherently failed ourselves because we aren’t living up to your standards… yet at the end of the day we’re lucky we can pay to eat, let alone anything else because of these damn student loans (that are apparently also our faults, but let’s not get into that right now).

Millennials, stop bashing each other because we’re different. Boomers, stop bashing millennials because were not you. We do not have your world and you do not have ours. We need to stop tearing each other apart over stupid shit. We need to figure out why both sides think the other has totally and completely failed and find some middle ground. We are all PEOPLE right? Too liberal? Moving on…

From my perspective I’ve been floored at how ridiculous we all sound. Republicans claim to want less government yet they don’t allow people to choose when it comes to anything (guns, religion, abortion, marriage, etc). Democrats seem to be five seconds from turning on each other because “Bernie would have won” and a handful of other things. Can we just stop and take a look at ourselves and see how fucking ridiculous we all seem?

We’re telling people that they aren’t allowed to be afraid for themselves when a known racist, sexual assaulting, misogynist is now about to take power. When the KKK is throwing a parade over it. When the people being given power almost all have a conflict of interest in our government, yet no one seems to care about that. We’re telling people to grow up and get over themselves because they didn’t act this way. When in fact you most certainly did. Why is it okay for all of you “election winners” to sit here and tell the rest of us that we’re not good enough for you when we’ve spent the last 8 years with you doing the same? Why are you so outraged that people think differently than you? Why are you allowed to be mad at us but we aren’t allowed to be mad at you?!

Will someone please enlighten me as to why any of this is acceptable? I seriously want to know. Will someone on the Republican Right please open a dialogue and allow the both of us to play devil’s advocate to the other in hopes of shedding some light on all of this? I may sound like an annoying ranting child right now but from the looks of all the crazy that’s happening right now I beg to differ.

Signed a concerned Liberal.

-CA Con

Los Angeles Chronicles: It’s time for an Evolution Revolution

Too long have I sat back in my own life waiting for a chance to make things change. I finally made things happen for myself after years of doubt. I tried more than once and things didn’t always work, but this time, this time is different. I’m not the person that I was then. I’m barely the person I was five minutes ago.

Since moving to LA, I’ve made leaps and bounds in my life, for myself.  My eyes haven’t been more open and I haven’t felt this alive in I’d venture a guess at ever. The election is going on and the world is starting to pay attention to how lost we actually are, in more ways than one. I’ve regained the person I’ve always known was in me and it’s time for me to stand up for it.

We live in a world where people are so conditioned by technology and the workings of their everyday lives that we don’t pay attention. We compete with each other over petty bullshit. We fight for what we think we want when we honestly have no idea. We don’t care how we get ahead as long as we do and if that means crushing someone in our way, so be it we don’t give a damn. I can attest to this because I’ve been part of the rat race that is this world, this country, this lifestyle. I’m a product of it, but I’m someone who seeks information when many don’t. I’m the one who empathizes with people to see all sides because who the hell am I to judge you. I’m a millennial. I am barely considered part of society by the proverbial man’s position. I am part of the generation that is bigger than any other, the most educated, the most in debt, the most disloyal, the most commitment-phobic, the biggest competitors, the most creative, the most conditioned, and the most lost. We are a great group of people when we pay attention to each other. When we stop competing with each other and believe in each other we are the newest force to be reckoned with. We have the power but we need to unite it. We’ve already lost in many ways, but it’s time for us to take a stand, wake up and make some change.

Even in the few minutes I’ve been sitting here writing, I’ve had replies to posts I’ve written in other forms of social media that basically tell me what I should do, tell me who I am and reply to me like I’m the idiot, uh hello… not helping. Anyone with an opinion can post something. Anyone. That doesn’t make it a good thing but it makes it what it is. We have the greatest form of banning together in the history of the world and we use it to tear each other apart.

Daily shootings, suicides, murders, the news showing you what they want you to see, political agendas, vote flipping. When did we evolve down? Why are we all acting like apes? And I’m almost thinking of rewording that because I don’t need to insult the apes. The political correctness is appalling. Stop giving into the man. He hasn’t done anything for you but condition you to be a pawn in his game.

We have become the biggest bunch of pansy ass, self righteous, ignorant assholes ever. And I mean everyone not just the millennials and younger. The greatest thing we have is that we’re people. And that’s the one thing that’s tearing us apart. Why does it matter what someone else does in their life when it has no effect on yours? I mean in terms of gay/straight/transgendered, life preferences, religion, stance on abortion, political views, why are things that shouldn’t be issues the biggest things we tear each other apart over? Oh yeah, so those in power can make us fight over petty shit to keep us occupied while they take over the rest of the world.

We need to stop spreading hate and banning against each other. There’s no reason for any of it. We need to spread a bit more peace and love because we owe it to ourselves and our future children or actual children to not grow up in a world where they have to worry about being shot in school or at work or have to run for their lives because someone without tolerance thinks they’re better than everyone else. It’s time to evolve. It’s time to start a revolution of change.

Stop trying to control each other. Stop hating people for who or what you think they are because you have no idea. For lack of a better way to say it, get your heads out of your asses people. Wake up. We’re in for a fight ahead of us and we don’t have to do it alone. We have to do it together. It’s time for an evolution revolution. We need to be more evolved than we have become. Change needs to be sparked and people are the only ones who can do it. Stop the pointless violence.

We all want a chance at life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness – stop taking it from others when it’s something we can all get if we work together. Stop telling people who they are and what their opinions are, stop the conditioning. Learn some empathy, learn to share, learn to love, learn to commit to something even if it’s yourself because if you commit to yourself, things will surely change. It’s time to wake up. Change is upon us but we have to seek it. Stop proving to the man that they can use and abuse us, unplug from the lies, plug into the love, plug into those willing to stand up and say and do what needs to be said and done.