End of Challenge(1) Reflections

My first challenge (for myself) actually ended on Saturday, but yesterday was my birthday and I had some celebrating to do. As I hit 29, I realize how different my life is from anything I’ve ever thought it would be as well as anything I’ve once had, I have to reflect in general rather than just on the last 3 months.

I’ve been meaning to go through my photos for ages now and I finally started Sunday night. I fell over some photos that produced a ghost of lives past. To say that it struck a chord is an understatement. But the whole thought of it tweaked a nerve and it made me realize that it wasn’t exactly because of what I had in my life back then, but the expectations attached to that world that bothered me.

I feel like I’ve always had my feet in two worlds. The one that seems more traditional with the marriage, kids, house, car, dog and a random whatever job that pays for it all. And the flip side of breaking all conceived notions of that and achieving a dream job as an animator (childhood dream) or business owner (adulthood dream), marriage possibly, condo on the beach, multiple vacations to various places in the world, a lot less required responsibility and a lot more freedom to play… I find why I always seem to be so torn.

I don’t want to give up either side, but I have no idea how to have both. Well, truth be told I don’t know how to have either. Creating this new world has been my attempt in the last two years, even more so in the last few months, to create a life I actually want.

Initially I keep going back and forth between the two of these, but when I see the first life I see life where I was in NY, and partially here, but not typically here (CA). When I see the other life, there’s no question that it resides in California. And then I get to the thought where I have no idea how I really got to this point and have no idea what to do next and I just confuse myself. Knowing I make progress, and knowing things change, I might be able to calm myself and resist the reel of emotions for a day, but it’s always there.

All of my lives from the last decade seem like a total blur. The life I left was not one I wanted, but I did want it at some point. These photos went back far enough to be the spot that I always typically want to go back to when going back enters my mind. All of that is a fantasy, just as any potential worldwide jetsetting and having a business of my own is right in this moment (except I do actually own my own corporation and I’m working to get it off the ground, it just isn’t exactly anything yet). But I really have no idea where to go from here. Not that I ever really did, but this time is seemingly different. It feels different.

I feel like everything is so in between. I feel like I’ve lived multiple lifetimes in one and still have no idea what I want or what to do next. I feel like the person I see myself as back then looked happy and things were so much easier. But that isn’t entirely the case. I know going back I was a very different person and the life I was living was not meant to last forever. But honestly I don’t think what I have now is better, it just is. I know I’m better than I was. I’m different than I was. But we’re talking about almost 5 years of hurt, pain, and crazy that preempted the last 2 years of change and few months of grabbing onto happiness; because it wasn’t until around Thanksgiving that I really started to feel like I didn’t want to leave here.

About a month into this challenge was when I found some happiness. I kept it until Christmas and then all has been lost. I feel a lot more even and a lot less crazy, but I feel so much more numb to everything and so much more blah. I keep finding more and more cycles within myself. I keep finding that as I reclaim who I want myself to be, things shift. I hid from myself in high school. I just did what I needed and ran for it the first chance I got, I moved to VA. I landed in unknown territory and within a year changed my direction again. I went back to NY but to a completely different city. Finished 2 degrees in 3.5 years, but always had a life to go back to in my hometown. A life that was actually more fun than the one I had in college, but college felt more like me, being me.

After graduating I spent two years trying to make things work and couldn’t. I got into grad school, moved to MA, tried to change my status quo and left a life I liked, but couldn’t handle anymore. I forced my own hand for the better. And as good as it started was as bad as it became. Two worlds clashed again and there I was back in NY. Another 2 years spent trying to regain my footing and off to CA I went. To pursue the original dream and to take life by the balls once again to force myself out of the shit that I no longer wanted to be a part of.

Toying with the idea of going back again, I have no idea if this is a cycle broken and I’m just feeling the backlash or if I’ve just had a handful of weird days emotionally and I’m completely over reacting.

Feeling like I always have one foot in the past and one in the future, the present moment needs my attention; because I’m pretty much stunned. And like the book I was reading last week that I’ve since finished, the power of now is the point. However, I’ve yet to figure out how to be in this moment, when I don’t want to be in this moment. It isn’t that I want to be there, whatever the fuck that means. I just don’t want to be here. Sitting here at work doing nothing trying to pass time, and make the best of my situation. Here with roommates I can’t stand. Here with half a social life and a guilt shelf of spending money and trying to fake it, saying I’m just done caring about holding myself back from life and feeling fucking crazy because I can’t deal with the monotony, but I have no idea what I really want to do next.

I mean that isn’t really entirely true. What I really want to do is play. I want to have fun. Whether alone or with someone. I want to play on the beach. I want to dance everyday. I want to take photos and meditate. I want to create a space I love to be in. I want to feel the freedom I felt last week when everything clicked, but nothing changed. I want to keep building on the progress and I want to keep feeling better not blah-er. I know it’s time to leave this job but I have to hold on until I get another one. I want to plan a real vacation and let loose. I want to not be so fucking stressed out about money.

So bogged down by “have to” and not by “want to” that I achieved one dream only to end up in a worse cycle somewhere else. My life is clearly a work in progress as it always will be, but shit man. I’m asking for the same shit I was last year and that is for something to give. I need a job I like and I need to make enough to thrive. I want to go have fun and eat at restaurants, and sit at the beach. I don’t want to worry that I paid $10 for parking and I know I don’t have it. I keep taking steps to progress and I never feel like I quite make it there. Having been trying to progress for what seems like eternity, I am going to just say fuck it and try to enjoy it.

If this challenge and the last few weeks taught me anything, it’s that what you think in your mind and what you actually have as different as they can be, are very closely related. What you can achieve and sometimes the bright light happens when you least expect it and it is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I feel like I have to surrender to what may come but that is so not in my nature, it’s almost a lost art.

After everything I’ve dealt with in the last couple years, last couple months and last few days, I’m ready to just relax, breathe and succumb to what happens next. I’m so sick of worrying about anything and everything, I need to find a way to not have to.

Still trying to figure out the next steps to this, waiting isn’t the same game anymore. I already took some action and now its time to see what comes from it.

Until next time.



Day 87: things are falling into place

This week is shaping up to be a pretty good week. I think as I draw nearer to the end of this self proclaimed challenge, I’m going to embark on another one. I think I’m going to do a smaller challenge this time, because as much as I feel like I need time to progress, I need to set some short term goals to change my status quo into something that makes me my best me and makes me feel like I’m making at least some progress consistently.

I’ve dealt with depression most of my life. I’ve dealt with anxiety over the last few years. Things fluctuate constantly and the level of insanity is all over the place, or at least I feel it is. Consistently inconsistent is a phrase I’ve used far too many times. I’ve been struggling to find what it is that I really want in life and even going further to say what I really want in my personal life vs my professional life. I’m not moving as fast as I’d like but I’m getting there. Things change as I go along, but I keep trying new things and am getting closer from where I’m standing, or so it feels.

Some days I wish I was 20 again because the hurt and the pain of the last handful of years hadn’t happened and wasn’t weighing on me as it does now. But in the same breath I’m glad to be further along in the scheme of things. That being said, the person I had become was not the person that I wanted to be. It never was someone I wanted to be or even thought I would be. The issue was, I was in uncharted territory and I hadn’t achieved anything I had ever wanted to in life up to that point. I’m still slightly on the fence about achieving anything I’ve wanted in life, but I can feel the progress now and my approach to it all is slightly toned down. Actually that’s a lie, it’s completely turned up, but in a very different way.

I’ve been able to find happiness and contentment. I’ve been able to create a person I actually like myself being. I’ve been able to reclaim myself for myself in hopes of taking this person with me to move forward. I’ve realized I’ve never had role models in my life but I have to use “myself in 10 years” as a role model or something along those lines. Who I want to become in the future is the basis on who I want to start putting together now. The perspective that has come into my world and continues to do so on a daily basis is astounding. But I am looking for it.

I’m actively searching and trying new things. I’m listening to my own feelings and trying to figure out where my own boundaries lie. I feel like I’m trying to undo everything my life and childhood has instilled into me up until now. I feel like I’m trying to be something that doesn’t exist because the life I thought I’d have at this point couldn’t be further from existence. Not that any of that is a bad thing, but it is my reality.

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t hold onto the fantasies. I’ve been told to get my head out of the clouds. I’ve been told I’m too much. I’ve been told that the things I want aren’t attainable. I’ve been told a lot of shit. I’ve been told to follow my dreams. I’ve been supported in following my dreams, but not until recently. I’ve been given a lot of advice. And I’ve turned a lot of it down.

We’re preached to by so many people on any given day. We’re shown the way of someone else more often than not. But what I’ve come to realize is that, no one really has the answers to this. No one really has any clue what they’re doing whether they’re an adult or not. Everyone has their own faltering insecurities and successes and everyone has their own truth.

I have been and done a lot of things in my life. I’ve done everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life and then some up until this point with a couple of exceptions because the time for those has not yet come to pass. I know I make things harder for myself. And I know that I could have done things a million different ways, but I didn’t. And the point is, I wouldn’t have.

I told a friend of mine the other day that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, because if you weren’t here you’d be somewhere else. That might be confusing, but think about it. If you weren’t supposed to be here… You wouldn’t be. As much as we have options and the abilities to change and grow and adapt and progress and falter and fail and anything else you can think of…. to a point we are exactly where we’re supposed to be. Life has to teach us something in this moment and we have to pay attention.

I was never meant to be a grow up, get a job, stay there for 20 years, get married, pop out some kids, run of the mill person. While those things are all good things to want, have or excel towards, they are not my world. I’d love to get married and have a family some day, but that is not “my life.”  I would love to have a job I could do long term, but I hate working for people and the only way that will happen is if I create the company myself. Which I am actually in the process of doing.

I still have dreams and goals and “regular things” I want, but normal is something I’ve never known and I finally had to accept that about myself. I’m not most people. I don’t talk like them. I don’t act like them. I don’t care to be like everyone else. People have never been able to define me. I have to start realizing my own advice and seeing that I am those things for a reason. Accepting myself for who I am and for what I am, is a huge piece of the puzzle for me. It isn’t something I’ve ever done. It isn’t something I’ve ever really put much stock into before. That is about to change, it has been changing.

When we define ourselves we lock ourselves into our own version of what we think we are… we don’t have to do that, but we have to know ourselves enough to realize where our hurt, pain, love, hope, joy etc comes from if we aren’t the type of people that can just walk through life and have things work out “normally.”

I feel like we’re in the middle of a worldly shift and those becoming adults and claiming their identity for the world to see are on the verge of transcendence. We no longer have typical gender roles or rules to follow. We broke the rules and almost anything goes, while not everything may be accepted there is definitely a new normal. It’s time to create something new, but we have to start within ourselves.

This is how I’m starting. Change is coming. It’s always upon us. I’m trying to use it for good for once. I’m trying not to hold and squeeze onto my thoughts, feelings and desires so tight that I squeeze the life from myself again. I no longer want to fight. I just want to be me and that is enough. We spend so much time fighting for what we think we want that we lose what we might actually need. I’m trying to fix that for myself, because it’s long overdue. But it’s time.

Day 87: feeling good about life, thinking about the new moon, gearing up for my birthday next week. Trying to take it all in.




Day 85: seeking a new heading – balance

I have five more days to go and despite not having a total and complete breakthrough of life that forever changed the way I see myself and the world around me — I did. Had to build up the drama there because we as people tend to thrive on it. And it’s funny.

Looking back to the beginning of this challenge I realized that I have come a long way. Despite not feeling that way all the time, still falling into old habits and trying to continuously break the habit of being myself, I won.

The goal of this challenge was to help me figure out what comes next. It was a way for me to try to figure out the way to break my own status quo because life as I knew it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. While I still haven’t gotten to where I want to be, I am definitely closer. I’ve also experienced a world that is very different in feeling and emotion in the last two months and it really is a wonderful thing. My world has and hasn’t changed completely, but the way I feel about it has definitely shifted.

I have my days of crazy and I have my days of depression… But they are fewer and far between. I’ve been learning and taking in knowledge from different places, places I’ve never really expected to consult. I’ve been trying to nurture my soul and my body with things that are different because to get different results you have to do something differently. And I’ve been making progress mentally and physically. I’m doing it. Woohoo!

I’m learning to be kinder to myself and not to be my own worst enemy. I’m a work in progress and I am not nor will I ever be perfect and that is actually a wonderful thing.

We need to learn to take the pressure off ourselves to be this perfect person we’ve made up in our minds. We need to break the chains of mental instability and pain that we use and hold over ourselves because they aren’t helping. We need to realize how much the person we’ve built ourselves up to being in our minds that we’re so attached to being is hurting us rather than helping us. And we need to acknowledge that who we are right now, probably isn’t so bad of a person to begin with. We are not the masks we wear nor are we the people we pretend to be. Find your true self, let yourself be that person.

With this challenge I’ve made progress in ways I didn’t know existed. I tried things I’ve never done before. I’ve experienced things I never had before. Some things are very simple and some things are a little frufru but they were worth a try. I’ve realized that I am not my pain or my past. I’ve learned that I don’t have to identify with any of if and even if I’m afraid that people might not accept it, it isn’t up to them to do so – I have to be the one to do so.

When you let your happiness lie in the hands of others you give them way too much power. When you realize that the happiness you seek isn’t really happiness but balance between feeling like shit or feeling so alive things start to make sense. There are far too many dichotomies out there; when you think happiness, sadness follows. When you seek your truth and try to attain balance things aren’t as heavy.

That may be an argument in semantics, but the way we use words and the way we define ourselves and the things we want, feel, need, etc. makes a difference. Maybe I’ve been reading too many philosophical books. Maybe I’m spending too much time with my head in the clouds. But I’ve always been a dreamer. I’ve always been a bit dorky. And I’ve always been one of those intense philosophical, intellectuals that likes to play with words and life. And right now, all of those things are working for me and with me rather than against me, so I think I’m finally doing something right. And because of that today, life is good.

Day 85: Surprising myself with my ability to balance, looking back on posts I’m repeating myself but sometimes you need to reinforce the things you learn.


Day 82: always torn

Confliction. Something I feel never goes away, but lies dormant for a few days, allowing me to forget as I try to arrange everything in my world…but not for long. Back to wanting to run screaming, but I’m not yet ready to give up the life I have. I’m not yet ready to give up one path for another. – You can’t have both. Eventually a choice has to be made.

Not to say that I can’t come back, but how many times do I want to force myself to start over?

I’m fighting myself on the ability to be at peace and live life with less overall crap. Why is it such a foreign concept? Why is peace and calming a foreign concept? Why is allowing myself to stay happy a foreign concept?

Why is it that I fall in love with the idea of traveling the world and being a part of something so much different; something I’ve been a part of in the past as I visited three continents and almost a dozen countries… Yet I’m afraid to let what I have go because it’s what I know. But I didn’t always know this either. So wtf?!

I’m afraid to let my “stuff” go. I’m afraid to let the potential of what I think life should or could be here, go. One minute I never want to leave California again and the next I want to be on a beach in Bali or be wandering around Southern Italy, never to think about the US again. I want to travel and be free. I want to live in the moment and enjoy the pleasures of what life is. I do those things as I travel, yet I can’t seem to inject them into my daily life. Am I simply in love with the fantasy of it all? Is it the idea of love or the idea of freedom that is what I really want rather than the actual thing?

How do I figure that out?

I started this challenge thinking I wanted to travel for 6 months to a year. I’m ending this challenge in a very similar, yet very different position. I want to travel, but not yet. I want to be free, I want to be at peace, but I “have to work for it.” Uh.. no that isn’t how any of this works. You don’t have to work for peace. You don’t have to work to be calm. You don’t have to work to be happy. You have to just fucking let yourself be all of those things.  Excuse the anger / sigh of craziness.

So the point of today isn’t do I travel the world, it’s why do I think that all of these things exist after I do something else first?! Because that isn’t possible. They only exist right now. You can’t be happy 6 years from now. You can be happy today.

Why is the thought of I’ll get there eventually, or I have to build something to be worthy of anything such a defining concept in my world? Why do we put ourselves through this shit?! What do we actually succeed in doing when we work, think, behave, and attempt to survive life like this?!

Ironically I just figured out why I do this. I’m constantly at war with my egoic mind. And this now makes a ton of sense. Hey look over here — you’re being irrational!  Caught myself.

I’ve been talking about all of this stuff for a few months. I’ve been working on progressing in general. I’m making it. I’m catching the crap. I’m changing the channel. I’m learning to incorporate all of this into my daily life. And I am succeeding.

No one has to wait to be successful at their own happiness. We have to try a million things to get the things we want, but that doesn’t mean failure is a daily occurrence. And that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy or be happy when you let yourself. I was so ridiculously happy before I left. I was so in the moment and so over the moon about my world. I’ve had the chance to think about it and that is always my downfall. I’m existing in the wrong space. I’m too attached to my ego to let my truth reign. Stop. Take a breath. Be thankful that life is good today. The world is out there. It will be out there if you decide to play in it or not. I can’t say this enough, let yourself be.

I think I need to hit the beach tomorrow and refocus my energy. I think it’s time to just breathe and feel the sand beneath you and the spray of the ocean air on your face. It’s time for your happy place. It’s time to connect back into your inner self not the egoic self.

I think the next step is writing out all my fantasies and figuring out why I really want them. Maybe then I can change my patterns. Maybe then I can just be.

Day 82: We’re creatures of habit, but I’m breaking my habits to really find myself. I didn’t expect to end up here at this point (or ever), but I’m glad that I did.

Credit: Naomi89, Deviant Art

Day 81: dazed and confused, but working on it

In definite need of some change this week. Been kinda sick and exhausted, but I need to shake things up (yes I know I’m repeating myself). I need time to rest, but I feel like I’m going through the motions again.

The aftermath of being in NY is weighing on me and my world is still not feeling real here. I’m hoping that this is just because I’m slightly sick and still trying to get back into the swing of things. But something isn’t right and it’s very apparent.

I’m gonna take some time and work through my thoughts about what I need to do to make some change….

I think I need to start my day as if it were on purpose. 
Basically I need to work out, work on a project, do some meditation, draw, paint, something – set the vibe for the entire day. And do so rather than hitting the snooze twelve times and needing the jaws of life to exist outside my bedroom.

I love sleep. And I never seem to get enough but I need to have some me time before I go off to work. I think this will help me later on. All the things I’ve written about my ideal life or ideal day, include not getting up just to go to work. Especially when right now the job I have is obnoxious, I need to find time to make myself happy and not as an afterthought.

I need to check myself throughout the day
I think I need to start a habit of making sure I’m doing something to align with either my own purpose or to make sure my mental state is good. I’ve started doing this more in general with my mental state. And I’ve certainly seen the difference since I started this “challenge.” It is a little self reminder that I can be someone I never thought would exist and I created her, she’s me.

Purpose on the other hand requires figuring out what my purpose is in general, that day, month, year, etc. I’m not above soul searching. In fact I like to find new things… But I need to make sure right now I’m good. Right now, in this moment I’m alive, well and just being attuned to the good that is life. I also need a goal to reach in the near future. And steps to take to reach that goal, so that I can prove to myself when shit hits the fan or when I feel stagnant, that I am actually making progress; even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I need to break the boredom
I need to do one thing once a day, every other day, or twice a week that allows me to have fun, be free, live in the moment, express myself, just be and exist in the happiness. You get the point.

Before I left for NY I was happier than I had been in a long time. Still getting tagged in all events and all friend posts from NY and not yet being able to catch up to life in CA, the recovery period has been getting me down. I’ve already realized this. I’m already changing the channel and catching myself in my cycle.

Awareness is huge. Knowing and believing things are going to be okay is also huge. — Things are going to be okay.

I need to know that things I “have to do” are temporary
Why? Because everything is temporary. And despite that being potentially overwhelming, right now it feels amazing. It’s freeing. Someone once told me I have to give freedom to get freedom, I have to give love to get love, I have to give x to get x. You fill in the blank with what you need, but right now I’m starting to really understand what she meant.

You are not the job you hate. You are not the accident you had on the freeway. You

I think I need a pep talk or mantra for myself
Sounds silly, but I think I need to take a really good look at myself and say some type of self affirming set of words – lol. Clearly I’ll do better than I did writing this sentence.

One of my goals last year was to be at peace mentally and to be in a better spot when it comes to my self talk and self thoughts. I’ve definitely made huge progress there, but I need to keep going.

I need to remind myself not to be so hard on myself. I need to remember that clarity exists and I’ve found it many times before. That the moment is always changing and whether confusion exists or not, literally nothing in life is permanent. Again whether that’s overwhelming or not it actually gives me some peace of mind.

When I started writing this post I was bored at work (still am), but I let myself and my mind wander. I let myself feel and let go. I let myself listen to words of wisdom and words in general from others and now all the shit that was punching me in the face seems to be holding my hand. Sometimes you need to realize that you’re the one torturing yourself. Sometimes you need to be the one to pick up that little kid version of you who’s throwing a tantrum and hold them in your arms and rock then while saying everything is going to be okay.

Tomorrow is another day and today is not lost. It’s time to make of it what you can.

Day 81: not as confused as I think, I just need to focus on one thing not everything.


Day 79: taking a mental health day

It isn’t until you let yourself really just be for a little bit, that you realize how much you don’t want what your life has become again.

And here we are full circle with about 11 days left to go. Here’s that self-fulfilling prophecy I mentioned yesterday. That need for some chaos, to really shake things up. Maybe it was dreaming of my ex. Maybe it was the pounding tension headache I woke up with or the fact that I took something with hallucinations listed as a possible side effect. Not actually hallucinating but damn, I guess it’s just one of those days that I really just want to reinvent the wheel. Except this is what I always do, so is it really reinvention?

I called in sick. Spent the morning sleeping in. Slept almost 14 hours, so I’m definitely fighting off something, whether it’s depression or the flu that everyone seems to have in this city, I’m not sure yet. But I already feel better than I did when I woke up this morning and I mean mentally and physically. A little extra self care was needed today and I’m happier for it; it was like a little taste of freedom.

I watched a webinar, applied for jobs that I’ve been meaning to do for weeks, I plan on doing some more applications just because and I’m going to look through some photos when I finish this. I’ve gone back to square one, but it makes me feel like I’m trying to make change. All of this makes me feel like I’m trying. Not doing but trying….

I’ve been studying the power of now, and the laws of attraction and most of the time it comes down to being open enough to receive. Receive whatever it may be that you want. Receive help. Receive love. There aren’t really limits here except the ones you impose on yourself (myself included). However, it typically takes time to manifest. So here goes the waiting and trying but not sure what is coming into being. That’s kind of been the reason for this challenge, figuring out what comes next and I’d definitely say progress is happened but I’m not there yet.

The not being sure part is what I have to learn to ditch…. especially when I feel like the status quo, the day to day blah, cripples me. I am afraid to break all connections with it because despite wanting something more, or something else, it is where I know how to exist. That doesn’t make it a good thing.

I’ve spent my life feeling like I don’t belong in most of the shit I’ve gone through. I’ve finally gotten to a point where I don’t feel that way in the world I’ve created right now. At least not in a conventional sense. I still feel I don’t belong, but that’s because I feel like I don’t belong in a situation where I have to be a mother to two adult men who are older than I am but can’t take care of themselves. But I digress… life is tricky, it never fully works out how you think it will. We go in search of what we want, finding it is a feat we don’t always achieve.

We try to stand still and let things be. We have to take some kind of action and as I’ve said to many people and written a handful of times, life is a risk whether you’re willing to take it or not. Not taking the risk, is still a risk. Not letting yourself be happy is still a thing. And not letting yourself live this way because of x, y, or z is just as bad. I’m not saying go out and buy a $5 million mansion and do drugs till you die, everything has some kind of constraint but I think the point is the same.

I’ve taken some action, now I have to wait for things to pay off. I’ve done some work. I need to be open to receive. I took time for myself because I needed to and I feel better because of it. I may be trying to break the habit of being myself one day at a time, yet the person I am right now is a lot more accepting and a lot more willing to just be with not only myself but my thoughts and that is huge. Old patterns die hard and things do take time to change, but they do change.

I’ve tried four times to finish this article but I keep getting interrupted. Now I feel like you can see my cycle of crazy go through the day, but that’s me sometimes and ya know what… I still feel better so I’m taking it. Today I’m gonna leave it at that and hope tomorrow leads to something just as good if not better.

Day 79: it’s time to go dance in the rain



Day 78: shaking off the self loathing

We all make mistakes in life and we all hold ourselves accountable in different ways. I had similar conversations with two different friends of mine last week and it wasn’t until last night/this morning that I realized I really need to listen to myself.

I’m so used to playing both the victim and the perpetrator in my own life that when things seem to be going well I basically do everything I can to fuck it up. Subconsciously that is. I feel like if I don’t have some chaos in my world then something isn’t right. Which clearly isn’t the case. I’ve been happier than I think I ever have in the last couple months and the chaos was very, very minimal. In the last couple weeks I’ve been trying to hold onto that happiness, but also inadvertently fucking it up at the same time.

I get antsy when things are business as usual. That’s how this whole challenge came about in the first place. That and not being where I want to be in general. I’m still not where I want to be, but things have changed in substantial ways in the last couple months and for that I am thankful. I’ve made some big discoveries and I’ve made some big mental and emotional gains as well. It doesn’t always feel that way, but it is. I keep reading books and trying to nourish myself and my soul so that I can move forward and get what I want out of life (and I’ve been doing so). I keep moving forward and letting myself be and become who I feel is right. I’ve let go a lot of hurt and pain and I not only agree that I’m not where or who I used to be, but I think that it’s a good thing.

I talk to people and they keep saying, “you seem like you have this all figured out.” Yeah well in theory not necessarily in practice. Idk, I feel like having the answers means knowing you’ll never really have the answers. The more you know the more you know you don’t know shit. Is what it is. Life is a very individual thing and in today’s society the ability to live up to the expectations we once had for life is not really do-able.

In the last few hours I’ve been able to talk to a couple people in general and I already feel better than I did when I woke up. Not being as isolated makes a huge difference in my life. But sometimes I seriously want to hide from the world and never peak my head out of the hole again. Typically this comes about after one too many days of stagnation or one too many days of bad decisions.

This time it was too much alcohol and a little too much hot mess of crazy. I know it isn’t the end of the world, but it always feels like it is. Idk if that’s just my inner voice taking over and proving my crazy is actually crazy or if I think I’m crazy so I prove it to myself. I feel like I have way too many self-fulfilling prophecies going on in life this week and its only Monday. It’s like things are going just a little too well… what can we do to break them? Ah yes, here we go.

I’m trying to be kinder to myself, but some days it works and others it just doesn’t. I’m learning to be in this moment a lot more in general, but it’s still a process. I said it the other day… I need a new beginning. This new year felt like one until I fucked it up this weekend. Now I need to let the weekend go and say hey it’s a new week, one day at a time. The decisions you made didn’t ruin your life. They didn’t even cost you anything, not really. The self loathing for the sake of self loathing needs to go. Shit happens. Timing is weird and one day this will all be a blip in time.

Some days are better than others, but I feel like overall I’m doing well. I know what some of my goals are, but they’re going to take time to achieve. Every day and every decision is not the end of the world and I need to remember that. I need to let myself enjoy what I enjoy and realize that old habits don’t fit in the new world, but making new ones takes time. I am human. I make mistakes. No one is perfect. — Repeating myself because I need to tell myself these things.

Day 78: I’m definitely a work in progress.