Today I want to talk about: Progress

Frustrated with my day to day world as per usual, but still trying different things to shake it up I addressed something that truly concerned me. My passion for things and my ability to bitch about all the things I don’t want rather than the things I actually do. This time I want to stop and talk about progress.

Slow and steady is the Progress Turtle. The one that eventually gets there, but has to take its time. The word progress bar in terms of technology now has a different feeling attached to it entirely (at least in my mind). Anywhoo…

I’ve come a very long way in the last few years. Honestly they all seem like a blur but for the first time in as long as I can remember my heart isn’t pushed, pulled at, beaten up on or palpitating at the thought, sight or dream of you. I know who you are, you’re my second love. You had your place and I think I’m finally over it. 7 years of an unbalanced relationship and this marks year 3 apart and here we are.

I’ve had another come into my world, very much like you, but better. Let’s call him #3.

#1 was the vision of lives past and he’s been let go quite some time ago.  He’s the one I like to refer to as belonging to each other in another life.

#2 was the crazy toxic, passionate, fly by the seat of your pants, no rules but an understanding, addicting, power struggle that still seemingly kept a balance.

#3 isn’t love, but more of an upgrade to #2. He’s shown me what I wish #2 had. He’s someone I never thought I’d need but for the 6 months he’s been around he’s shook my thoughts on love for the better.

Within the last 6 months I’ve changed probably 5 times overall. With the introduction of #3 I was reliving #2 but with a different person.

You go by the same first name, you’re the same zodiac sign, you both stayed up talking to me about anything and everything at all hours of the night, we’re unapologetically ourselves, there’s a level of play and sass that’s all in good fun, we drink the same things, you make me feel like I’m not insane and we’re equal in our level of crazy despite not always knowing or trusting it. Everything that I thought I had lost a long time ago in a person I had again.

I reverted in a way I didn’t understand. Then we hung out and I pushed limits. I let out the crazy, I kept being myself, I showed many sides but this time, I wasn’t afraid to tell you anything for fear of you blaming or walking away from me because you weren’t the one I was afraid to lose. You were better. You treated me better. You showed me worth,  value, and respect.

I changed again, I became that giddy school girl that I rarely knew existed. I was happy. I was level. I was stable. I was feeling alive for the first time since I came down from the high of moving 3,000 miles. I wavered uncertain of what this would be, I doubted its reality and I still don’t know where we stand; yet we live together. I’m in a better version of the life I saw flash before me in NY almost 5 years ago, but I’m no where near where I want to be.

I realized what I was doing, but I still couldn’t do anything to fuck it up…. I shifted. We got a little distance between us and then we ended up living together. Still not knowing where things are today marked a new dawn for me despite me not knowing it. I left my house happy, I enjoyed my environment, I enjoyed your presence, its easy, its fun, its worth the time. And despite not knowing what we are to each other because I’m the queen of the undefined relationship, I’m okay with it because I think we both needed it. We both needed to be shown the way.

So here I am, writing after coming through part of the fray of the last six months. Looking at life differently yet again, feeling differently about myself. Realizing that everyday is a very different experience and that’s okay. Giving myself permission to let go and just be. Allowing my set backs to be in the past or something I can realize and get over.  Realizing how far I’ve really come and I’m not actually afraid of where to go this time.

I’ve been talking to people more. I’ve been living more. I’ve been talking to completely different people more. I’ve made progress. I’ve lived many lives already and I have not yet begun to really live. Not on my own terms, at least, not yet. That is the next step.

I jumped the gun the last time I wanted to travel for 6 months. I still want to do that. I jumped the gun on creating a company and in the midst of the crazy that I was about to endure I got thrown off the path. But that’s the thing about the path… there’s more than one.

There is more than one path or purpose to life. Living in fear of what might be is the ultimate deathwish. It’s time I figure out who I want to be, what activities I need to nurture, what things I should be pursuing and know that not everyday is going to be eventful. But it is still combining days into a life and that in itself is power.

Progress is a fickle friend and I tend to doubt myself when I get backed into a corner.

Always willing to jump and run for it but always somewhat of a calculated risk taker.

I need to let me head and my heart align in their freedom when I can have it and pay attention to their dichotomies when they don’t.

It’s time that I live the life I dream up for myself and it’s time I shift and evolve again because I owe it to myself to do so.

It’s time to take another risk. It’s time.

**this was actually written a few weeks back, but I didn’t consider it finished yet. I added in a couple lines and now it’s time to share. 😉 


Taking Some Time to Wander My Self

For those of you just joining me, I tend to be an over thinker…. one of my last articles was about passion. This time I want to talk about self discovery.

Yesterday I started a post with:
As I sit here waiting for the minutes to count down to 5:30pm I wonder what I’m doing wrong with my life.

The worst part of that is yes I am that dramatic – I’m actually laughing at myself about it now, but eh so be it.

I decided to forgo that article, but the thoughts remain the same.

Over the last six months or so I’ve challenged myself twice. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and analyzing and I feel like each time I learn a little more about who I’ve become and who I want to become, my happiness becomes something that feels like its coming back with stability. It remains a bit more intact and a lot less disturbed by the outside world, even in moments of desperation or depression.

The last few weeks have been stressful to say the least. In that time I lost a roommate, had to pay her rent and mine, gained another, signed a new lease, decided I’m moving out, got another roommate, still juggling two jobs, still having foot and ankle problems from falling on my face, trying to pack my shit, find a new place, and remind myself to have some fucking fun; the new roommate is helping with that part but I knew that he would.

I have my moments just like everyone else. I’ve dealt with depression since I was 14, maybe even before. Anxiety came along in my 20s and feeling manic joined around that time as well. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about writing a book of my experiences. But the biggest reason I don’t, is because I’d have to relive the past and the pain and I feel like I’m not far enough away from it yet, for that not to flatten any progress I’ve made thus far. That thought is starting to turn, but we’ll see.

I’ve been asking myself questions lately that push limits I’ve yet to explore and it’s been a good thing. I’m ready to explore new avenues in terms of a career that I’ve talked about but never acted upon.

This is another article I started a week or so ago and here I still sit thinking the same things and dealing with the same internal struggle. I need to let myself take care of myself and allow myself to do what I feel is necessary. I still can’t seem to grasp that concept. Even going back and reading this makes me see how much more “okay” I was then. If that doesn’t give me a gauge of you need to change then Idk what will. Clearly I hold on too long.

As I sit here on a Friday afternoon roaming the possibilities with little anxiety as my boss is in another state… I think just get through the next 12 work days. And yet, that seems like an eternity. Truth is, I made my mind up almost instantly with this and now I just have to give myself permission to do it. Whether I’m being dramatic or not, being pushed far enough for that to be an almost daily thought is not okay. I don’t really let myself do what I want until I’m pushed way too far and the damage is done.

I am a creative, intelligent, free spirited, passionate, knowledge seeking, opinionated, stubborn, Italian from NY that lives in CA. Sometimes I let that define me and other times I laugh at myself at the thought of it. I’ve been known to take things too seriously and I’ve been known to be dramatic, I know I’m not the only one out there struggling to figure out my place in this world, but sometimes you have to give yourself permission to try something you’ve never done before despite how much it might make you want to piss your pants.

I revel in the thought of skydiving or scuba diving but starting my own company and wandering into the total unknown freaks me the fuck out.

From the heights of the clouds to the depths of the ocean I’m okay because I have an idea of what I’m in for… this… this is uncharted territory.

Funny how that works isn’t it?

I’m back to where I was at the beginning of challenge 2 but I’m filled with a little more knowledge a lot more exhaustion and a new take on what direction I want to go in. Do we ever really know ourselves? Can we? We’re constantly changing from moment to moment and the more I know, the more I know I don’t know shit. But such is life. Enough introspection I guess. Time for action… time to take the risk.

Happy Friday.

Another Day: where would I rather be?

As I sit here at my desk of a new job I took in hopes of progressing… all I can think is I’d rather be at the beach. Followed by the thoughts I don’t want to be here and someone get me outta here man…

That being said, everything that I’ve done and felt and tried to act on has been a bit of a joke when I think about it. I’m not taking these jobs just for me. I’m taking them because I always typically have one foot in the past and one in the future. By that I mean I tend to be a traditionalist in some ways and a complete rebel because the old ways don’t work in other times. This is also true in my personal life.

I find a weird success in the thought of traditional jobs, but in reality the actuality of it all makes me sick. My family reinforces the traditional and not many people I know try anything off the already created road… The reality of it mostly in my experiences are nightmares that lead me to run and try to find my own path.

If I imagine a life I want for myself there’s usually a beach or water nearby. There’s typically a home, a pet or two and a sense of security as well as success. It’s a feeling of thriving and being alive. I think of freedom and just being. I never usually think of a job or a title or anything that locks me into anything…

I’m starting to realize my status quo is to consistently be inconsistent and I almost need it that way because I get really depressed in routine and really bored when I’m not moving fast enough otherwise.

I’m ready to be happy and content in life. I’m ready to have fun and a social life and a life I can actually see myself being a part of. I’m ready to break free of all the things I thought that life was and all of the things that I keep holding onto that are actually holding me back.

I’m ready to do some things that scare me for the sake of doing something new. I’m ready to stop being stuck. I’m ready to fly free as I see fit.

I’m ready to stop chasing the dream of more and best and I am ready to chase the dream of a better me for me and a better life that I feel a part of.

I freaked out on my mother yesterday because of hurt I thought I had mostly let go of. I realize that you never 100% let go of things that have been a part of your life for your entire life, but I’ve certainly been trying and things have definitely changed for me. It’s a very fine line between being over something and being right back to where you started in my case.

Emotions aren’t something I’ve dealt with a lot in life because I’ve spent more of my life repressing them than not. I’m working on me. I’m trying new things to make sure I’m mentally okay and taken care of. I’m trying to be someone new to myself and for the most part it works. But I’ve never been a get up and run just to run kind of person. I usually run when everything goes to hell…. Maybe flee is a better word. I don’t flee because a job annoys me or a friend hurts my feelings. When I’m running out of money and my job is making me miserable, my relationship with a SO is crashing or a relationship with a friend is fucking with me, my parents come in and make it worse, then I go and make it worse and then there you have the cycle of me fleeing into another day like I have no choice but to entirely throw away my life.

It’s about that time again… but this time I don’t have a SO, I don’t have more than two friends in the geographic location I’m in right now. I don’t have a home life I like. I fought with my parents this week. I’m fighting myself at every turn. And the brand new job that was supposed to help.. is making me insane.

Time to change.

I can’t go another day doing this to myself. I just wrote a list of 20 things right off the top of my head that I’d rather be doing with my time than this. I’ve changed from the person I was when I was little. I’ve changed every time I’ve left NY. I’ve changed every time I go back to it. I change every time I let myself grow, learn or try something new.

Another day goes by and I keep fantasizing about the life I’d prefer rather than the one I have. Whether its only ever going to be a fantasy is another issue, but I’m not going to stop trying to make myself happy or content. I’ve become a lot more stable. I’ve become a lot more aware of my emotions and where I fall based on my own spectrum. I’ve felt more like myself in many ways. I’ve felt different and still unsure in many ways, but still willing to try.

This world and this life has beaten me up countless times but I keep getting up because I don’t know what else to do but try something else.

It’s past time I actually try to work for myself rather than someone else. It’s time I create the world I actually want to be a part of rather than just talk about it. It’s time I let myself be happy, content, and in love with my own world.

I don’t want to be miserable, but I keep ending up here when I play by someone else’s rules. I don’t want to be insecure or unsure, but I let those reign when the buttons are pushed. I don’t want to be stressed out to the point of making myself and my body sick.

Tomorrow is another day and I’m going to break free. I’m going to change my status quo in hopes of creating something I’ve yet to secure: a life I want. But this time… I’m going to make it work.

You’re allowed to be yourself, you’re allowed to feel what you feel.

Feelings. Emotions. Gut instincts. Anxiety. Stress. Depression. Happiness. Creativity. Passion.

Feelings and emotions aren’t things that people typically to talk about (in my world), let alone deal with, but I think it’s far past due for me to address some things out loud.

No matter what someone else’s intentions were – you get to feel how you feel about something they do, say or put you through.

Intent does not negate feelings, but it helps to know that someone didn’t mean to hurt you if that is the case.

You get to be yourself no matter what someone else thinks – especially if they’re family.

You are a person, someone who has goals and dreams, hopes and fears and whether you feel like too much or too little, you’re you and that is more than okay.

Okay now I know that sounds really wussy, and whatever, but ya know what – I don’t give a fuck.

I’ve fought myself and my own inner voice long enough to know that you’re usually the worst to yourself… but the reason you react poorly to things in your world is usually a pretty good indicator that things aren’t working. You have to learn and know yourself well enough to know when you should walk away or move on, do something else, or stay. You have to figure out what works and what doesn’t and unfortunately the only way to typically do that is by literally doing it.

Whether it be work, geographic location, house, your parents, your family, friends, significant other, etc you get to choose what you do and don’t live with. Yes, you can make things easier or harder for yourself because of it, but being a little stressed about money temporarily vs working in a job that results in you feeling anxious and afraid daily doesn’t exactly equal a trade off to me so I typically run.

Then again… I’m a risk taker. I will risk it every time if I don’t think I should have to deal with certain things because I have to. I have to cut myself some slack when I need some slack. I have to live with my decisions and I have to deal with whatever consequences.

Maybe you’re wondering where this is coming from so I’m going to tell you. I am an only child. I love my family, but there is a reason I live 3,000 miles away from them. Most of my life my parents made me feel like I was too much or not enough. They didn’t let me feel what I felt. I didn’t get to feel anyway about anything. So cue the years of repression among other things. They didn’t really show up to my life by means of dance performances, competitions etc. When I had issues of being bored in class in school I took care of it myself and made a deal with the guidance counselor.

I’ve had issues with feeling comfortable in my own skin because of weight or thoughts around how I look. I’ve had issues with mental stability because I’ve never dealt with feelings until they’re bursting out of me all at once. I’ve been an overachiever and have been good at almost anything I’ve ever done because most things are easy but I always felt like I wasn’t enough. And it usually comes back to childhood.

Example: I graduated college early with two degrees. I moved myself out of the apartment I was in and then I drove my stuff three hours back to my parents’ house, picked them up and drove them to my apartment to stay with me for the weekend to go see my graduation and then I drove them home. They weren’t going to come otherwise. And my parents are barely in their 60s right now and neither of them are ill or ever have been.

This was an often occurrence to say the least.. me going the extra mile to even have them in my world. And I did it and will continue to because I want them there. The issue with that… is it drives my self worth lower than you’d believe. And then I get to become that same insecure little girl every time certain buttons are pushed.

We all have our insecurities. We all have our issues and hang ups. I’m not saying that the worst thing my parents did was not show up to my life but that’s part of it and always will be. Yes, I know people have it out there worse than I do, but I’ve always hated that comparison shit. I don’t take anything from your struggle. I don’t wish struggle on anyone, but mine is what I know and I’m not sorry for it.

Life is not a comparison. Your life is your life – period. You get to love who you want, be who you want, see what you want, do what you want and the list goes on.

You get to he enough for yourself and more than enough if you want. You get to be not enough and depressed or anxious and realize that something is wrong in your life and it needs to be changed or maybe that you need help to change it or maybe you don’t want to.

I’ve spent the majority of the last few years becoming someone I didn’t know myself to be and then peeling layers away and becoming the person I was previously and then becoming someone I actually sort of want to be. I’m still working on who I want to be part, but today I was reminded how much “I don’t get to feel” played a role in my world until now.

My feelings don’t have to make sense to you. They’re my feelings. You don’t have to understand why something bothers me to know that it does. I have to know why if I want to change it. I have to figure out what to do to make things better. Maybe its my fault for hoping or seeking approval to leave a terrible work environment and try something new. Maybe its my fault for hoping that I could have some comfort from my mother. Maybe I’m just too much and people can’t handle it.

Again I don’t give a fuck if I feel too much for you. I get to feel what I feel. I get to be who I am.

I’m not parading around with a sign that says look at me with a hightlighter colored mowhawk, road cones on my boobs, a bible in my hand, covered in tattoos from head to toe, asking if you’ve found Jesus, screaming about the next apocalypse if you don’t repent. This is supposed to be absurd…just for clarification.

I am not everyone’s cup of tea and I don’t have to be. I have to be me. I have to do what’s right for me. I have to be who I want and who I am. I have to let myself.

No one else gets to take your feelings from you. No one else gets to tell you to be someone you’re not after a certain point in life. Not even your parents should be telling you how to act or react to your own world because in all honesty they don’t know shit about it (or at least they don’t in my case).

You get one life to live. We all change and have moments of insanity. We all need help at times. We all need to reinvent the wheel and try to move forward. Life is hard at best, you might as well be yourself.

Don’t be afraid to hurt someone’s feelings by living your truth. Because at the end of the day they’re probably not going to consider yours. Don’t hurt people just to do so, because that’s not okay either, but really think about the people you have in your world and the person you are.

If you’ve suffered from anxiety or depression would you wish it on someone? If you’re in a situation that feels like its killing you and someone tells you to suck it up, would you take their advice? At what cost are you willing to sacrifice your own well being? Because you’re costing yourself the most.

If you want to be creative, pursue it. If you want to do something you’re passionate about, take the chance. If you want to listen to your gut and its telling you to quit that soul sucking job then do what you need to do to do it. Let yourself live. Let yourself feel. Let yourself revel in the happiness that you can create for yourself instead of living life by someone else’s rules.

You get to feel what you feel. You get to be who you are. You get to figure out where both of those things connect or disconnect. You get to make mistakes. You get to succeed and fail.  And best of all you get to live – so do it to the best of your abilities mentally and physically.

This is me giving myself permission. Now it’s your turn.



Today I want to talk about Passion

As the title says, today I want to talk about Passion… so being the person I am I turned to Google for a definition.

The first thing that comes up is, “a strong and barely controllable emotion.”

“A strong and barely controllable emotion.” Let’s think about that for a second.

When was the last time you had anything resembling a strong and barely controllable emotion? Seriously though…for me… it was anger. A rage fueled ranting of all the things I’m sick of or don’t want. And as much as its good to get out, it doesn’t fix the problem.

I went to a seminar today (I actually didn’t know it was going to be what it was)… and people tried to sell me their idea. I don’t disagree with their idea. I trust the person that invited me to this seminar. I am intrigued by the model they created, but the item they’re selling isn’t my joy. I asked another friend of mine for advice about mental clarity because lately my head has been a clusterfuck of crazy to say the least…. She asked me a simple question…

Are you passionate about this?

Okay, let me just back track for  a minute… I keep trying to get new jobs. I keep trying to fix and better my situation. I keep making progress little by little but also keep ending up in jobs that I hate, that simply chain me to a desk on someone else’s terms. I keep telling myself I need to do something else, but I have no idea what that is anymore. I’ve been asked this question twice this week alone; twice by unexpected sources…. This time I paid attention.

Like I said I get asked this question like I have a million times before, but I wasn’t calm enough to really let it sink in until now. It was then that I realized I’ve been screaming to the world that I want to live life passionately. That I want to do what sets my soul on fire. That I want to actually feel alive and be alive and not live by someone else’s rules. And what am I actually doing?! I’m driving myself crazy following someone else’s rules despite knowing I don’t want to play this game anymore. Let’s insert the definition of insanity… here…

For a while I thought teaching would be a good route for me and I really enjoyed teaching when I was in it, but it sucked the life out of me. I worked in insurance before that and that sucked the life from me without question. I then went back to school and kept trying to force a change in status quo because everything I tried wasn’t working. I’ve worked in customer service – my advice to you is don’t. I worked for a cosmetics company in creative services but there was no where for me to “grow”. I worked in real estate and that company was too bi-polar and that’s coming from me. I work in advertising for an animation company and to say the least, this job just isn’t what I thought it would be, but I took it because I had to.

In fact – All of the jobs I’ve had for the most part I never took because I wanted to…. I took them because I had to. I always jump at the first chance I get because I never believe there’s going to be another opportunity. While I know that isn’t true, being stuck somewhere is like nails on a chalk board for me. The biggest thing I’ve realized now is that stuck is something I both run from and cling to… because it’s known. Stuck in a terrible roommate situation because I don’t have the ability to pay rent alone but still having a roof over my head is still stuck. Stuck in a job I don’t like because it pays the bills is stuck. Stuck in a relationship with myself I don’t like because I’m going through the motions of survival is still stuck. I’ve said this before… you CANNOT thrive and you CANNOT truly succeed, in survival mode…you can only get by.

In the last few years, I’ve changed my entire world. I expected to be alone for a certain period of time. I expected not to thrive the minute I got here. I expected to have to pay dues of some sort before being handed the key to anything. Los Angeles is the fucking Major Leagues and I was barely ready to sit on the bench let alone play the game.

I’ve been playing the game for over 2 years and part of me still feels like I’m sitting on the bench. I’m going through the motions of my own life. I’m going through the motions of my own life with far too much stress, pain, anxiety, and trauma. And it really needs to end.

So where do I go from here?! Oh yeah Passion.

I need to find what actually excites me and chase it. I need to let myself be alive. I need to let myself be free. I need to let myself get excited. I need to listen to what my heart and head are telling me despite it making things harder financially. I’m already struggling financially and that hasn’t changed in almost a decade.

Truth is I don’t want the second job I have. Truth is, I don’t want to live in this apartment, but I only don’t want to move because it’s an expensive pain in the ass. Truth is, I’m still a work in progress with my mental state, but I can’t deny that I’ve been better than I ever have with myself in the last two years in terms of trying to cope. Truth is, I need to make up my own rules to the game that is life and I need to stop being afraid to leap despite any potential falls. Truth is I need to stop yelling about what should be and actually find out what fills the should be gap.

I moved to California to follow a dream to work in animation. I failed at the chance I first took when I got here. I then took a job because I had to. I got into companies doing what I thought I wanted to do as a fall back. They didn’t work how I wanted them to. What I’ve been saying to myself for years is that applying to jobs and trying to get by is not what I want my life to be. I have said I need to get creative before and yet I always go back to the same old insane tactics.

Message to self — stop it, damn it.

Truth is I never expected creating a life to be easy. Truth is I never expected finding my “dream job” to be easy. Truth is I never expected any of this to be easy. It was, “damn near impossible” that I didn’t expect to have at every turn. So now it’s time I get out of my own way and stop focusing on the shit and start focusing on the times I actually light up. The times I feel alive. The times I am excited at potential. The times I’m excited at reality.

What am I going to do about this now? I’m going to ask myself as many questions as I can,  in as many ways as I can, as weird as I can and as vanilla as I can in hopes that I strike a chord in myself. If I can’t answer the question what do I like to do, where do I like to go, what excites me, I think I have found the issue… survival mode on. How do I turn it off? Incorporate joy, fun, excitement, actual living into my world again. Find out what evokes the passion. That inexplicable rage, that emotional reaction that is so over the top you almost expect that it didn’t come out of your own mouth and fucking live it.

What am I going about this… right now I’d like to quit my job, take a couple weeks off, move into a new place, get my ankle healed and start over. But first I’m going to start with these questions and try to poke the passion chords with the hopes I play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata instead of Chopsticks.

Wish me luck.

Los Angeles Chronicles: Giving it one more shot

I’ve had more than enough mental breakdowns in the last week and I’m really ready to uproot my life again. I’ve done a few challenges with myself and I think I need to just take a break for now. Maybe I’ll write and just throw some stories out there.

I’ve been in a tailspin and I’m typically way more creative from that point so we’ll see what comes of it. I

I’m trying to be okay, but I’m not. I’m not okay.  I haven’t been in a long time. Despite trying and faking it and trying to make it work. I’ve been happier than I have in a very long time in the last 6 months, but I’ve also been ping ponging off the walls if you will. I had hoped I had put a lot of this behind me but the struggles seem to keep coming my way.

I’m making some changes and decided to move in the next month because my environment needs a shift. I’m just moving within LA, but I need to try something before I reinvent the wheel entirely. Giving it one last go and hoping it all works out.

If this next year doesn’t involve some major changes, life is going to hold many many a change for me. I think if LA doesn’t work a transatlantic shift is occurring. Come hell or high water something needs to work.

I’m hopeful that this works. I’m hopeful that this is going to mark another new chapter for me because I can’t keep hanging out in between books of life… I need to make a whole new book. It’s time to truly leave the last few years here behind.

Tomorrow is a new day, I am hoping to keep treating each day as a new day. I need to infuse some more pleasure and fun into my life despite not being able to walk well at the moment. I need an infusion of joy and excitement. Maybe I’m trying too hard, but something has to give man… right?

Fuck I hope so.

Day 60: I kinda stopped keeping track

Life is funny sometimes. It has a way of kicking you in the ass when you need it most and when you need it least. In the last month, I started a new job, kept the old one too, had a new roommate move in and out, in the midst of searching for a new one, going to physical therapy because of my ankle and foot getting worse after 7 weeks… not knowing if I’ll have the money to make the rent if we don’t find a 3rd person…. not knowing if I’ll be staying in this apartment after next week if we don’t find another person… not knowing  if I even want to…

To say my stress levels have been through the roof is an understatement. I’ve let this last challenge die down because I had more important things to do… And as I write that I realize the accountability to myself is where I lost it all. Having a doctor’s note for this week to get out of work is honestly more than I could have hoped for. Not knowing what comes next or knowing that the things I’ve most recently chose aren’t really what I want or need right now, are seriously getting to me. I was about to be in the best possible spot when it came to money. I was going to have two months of money in one month because of the fact that I kept the other job as a contract. I figured while I heal and recover from the foot/ankle injury I can rack up some savings and get myself to a place I’ve wanted to be for too long. Suffice it to say, now apparently isn’t that time.

I’ve noticed how much attention I haven’t been paying to my own needs lately. Some of it is because I haven’t really been able to go anywhere. Some of it is because I don’t really have friends in this area that consistently do things, but everyone I talk to in LA lives like that so who knows… The more I try to want this and let myself fantasize about having it…. the more I feel like I’m trying too hard for something that isn’t meant to be.

I was asked the other day if I would leave both of these jobs and chase something more passiony. But in terms of jobs I have no idea what that would even be anymore. I’ve successfully taken all of the pleasure out of my own life. Some of which has been for the better. And some of which has only hurt me more. So to say I even know what the hell to do next at this point is probably not something I should be answering… or maybe its exactly what I should be answering. Again funny how that line blurs.

I kept insisting that since I’ve left NY that I’ve become more a person I wanted to be. And that isn’t untrue, but it isn’t entirely true anymore. I don’t dislike who I am right now…. but I also don’t know who I am anymore. All of this is uncharted. I don’t have a friend group. I’ve been consistently alone for far too long. I’ve tried jobs and have been making progress somewhat in a career, but I feel like the word progress is only laughing at me now.

I’ve been able to talk myself down from an existential crisis more than once in the last month. But I had one the other day and that one went unchecked. I’m still feeling the fallout from it. I’ve been more honest about my feelings now than I ever have in my life and yet I feel like I’m not even paying attention to myself anymore. And when I don’t have anyone else consistently around… that’s more than a problem… loneliness is way more apparent in my world right now.

I’m not looking to define myself or push myself into a box. I’m not trying to restrict myself on anything. Down to the point where I just want to let myself have a little freedom regardless of what it is…. but now that feels like I’m lacking goals. I still can’t really walk or drive, I’m in pain daily, and I spent the majority of my time alone. My life right now is the opposite of what I want. I think it has been for a long time. And trying to figure out when, doesn’t matter from this point because going “back” couldn’t be further from a possibility. At least not in the way I think going back works.

I’m spiraling again and I feel like I do this more now than I ever have. I feel like I’m taking more chances and finding things really don’t work faster now than I ever have. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to get in my car and drive until I can’t anymore. I want to see where life takes me and be open to any of its possibilities. I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from everything and I want to never look back. I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be in this situation in any way but I am and I don’t know what to do about it.

Why do I feel like my days are numbered here? Why do I want them to be? I could fix all of this by throwing money at it and in the long run who knows that might be better. But honestly I don’t want that. The thought of staying here another year, despite me telling myself that is what I’m going to do, makes me want to kick myself in the ass. I feel more lost now than I ever have, except now, I don’t blame myself for not taking the risks or giving something new a try. Now I don’t cope like I used to in both good and bad ways.

Now, I ask myself what the fuck are you doing more than ten times a day. What the fuck is the point of all of this if experiences and enjoyment aren’t the outcome? I can’t fucking play by these rules anymore. I never could but I keep making myself try. Why do I think the status quo is going to work when it never has?! Maybe I just don’t know what else to do, maybe I’m afraid, maybe a combination of both, but I know I can’t stay where I am right this second because it is not okay anymore.