Day 75: the difference a day makes

Starting to feel like I did before I left. Maybe it’s the people I’m currently letting in my life. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m managing somehow to be more productive than I have in a long time. Maybe a combination of everything, but things feel like they’re working again. The air feels different. I feel different. I feel more like the me I want to be again. It’s a wonderful thing.

Feeling like my irons are finally heating a little bit. Feeling like my efforts are starting to solidify. Maybe it was the flux of the holidays or the location I left, but I think it’s funny how things can change so much from day to day. There’s always a back and forth on these things but I’m trying to improve on my consistency and I think I’m getting better.

Since being back in California I’ve made a to-do list. Crossed everything off it. Made a goal list for 2018 and broke it into more detail. I have a couple things I’ve put on my to-do list for the weekend and I actually plan on finishing them rather than putting them off again. I’ve put in effort with friends and my love interest. And overall other than losing a little sleep, I feel alive. Life is good. 2018 has so far been good to me.

This is the time in my life I feel like I finally broke the expectations of what I really held for myself. I feel like the people I have in my life right now are proving to me that I am not only allowed to be who I am and then some, but when I let some crazy show, it isn’t the end of the world and they aren’t judging me for it. That wasn’t something I had with pretty much anyone until now.

I certainly have more room to grow within my career. And I certainly have more room to grow in general, but for the first time in my life I feel like I got this. I feel like I’m on the path that I’m supposed to be. While at times I feel totally lost and confused, it no longer feels overwhelmingly like the end of the world. It doesn’t feel like my world is always crashing around me at any moment. The urgency is gone. The expectations of what is and what could be are gone. The harshness of hurt and pain that constantly bombarded my mind is gone when I’m here. NY is a slightly different monster but that is also making progress.

I’m not one to make resolutions or buy into the New Year New Me, but allow yourself the grow and progress… allow yourself to feel, heal and move forward. A new anything is a reason in itself to become a new you. A more open you, a happier you, whatever it is that you want.

I’ve decided I want to stay in California. I want to take 1 major trip this year that lasts about a month. I want to have a substantial savings and not live paycheck to paycheck. And I’m going to continue to realize things are never going to be how I once imagined them because they aren’t meant to be that way. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. I’m with exactly who I’m supposed to be with right now. And I’m not afraid of falling or failing anymore. I’m not afraid because I never stop trying and if I fail, I’ll try again it’s that simple. Even when I win I keep trying, so there’s that.

Day 75: I’m letting myself be myself and I’m letting myself be happy.

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Day 73: pulling myself out of the void

It’s been about two weeks since I last wrote and I can say I’ve had a couple set backs and a couple epiphanies. Life is a progression >>keeps repeating this to self<< life is a progression.

I’m getting my shit back in order after leaving for two weeks, but I feel like I have way too many irons in the fire and nothing is particularly working out. Maybe I have to be more patient, but after being in NY, I’m anxious to say the least. Working on it.

Lucky for me the holiday season with the family was actually pretty good. Nothing like it used to be, but good nonetheless. Things are starting to be easier when it comes to existing there in general, but this last trip has proven to me that I really don’t belong there.  I’m learning to exist there as someone I am now, not as someone I used to be and that’s great. Oh and I survived two full weeks with my parents without actually fighting with them, which is also huge. So I’ll take the win.

Then there are the moments of trying to exist with old friends who bring up the stuff from 5 years ago and push you just too far… And the next thing you know, you’re white girl wasted and have no recollection of anything, but the self loathing and massive hangover you’re currently enduring. – true story. Even while I write this I feel like a completely different person than I was when I left to go back.

That being said, I have my moments of fighting with the two people inside me- the one I’m becoming and the one I used to be – but it’s weird how all of this works. To say PTSD, anxiety and self hatred reign in NY are too spot on, yet it doesn’t feel like it used to and that in itself is amazing. I’ve made progress. And I’ve been able to catch myself a lot sooner and stop it and change the behavior almost instantly. Well we’ll say within 24 hours – the hangover proves that.

I came back to CA yesterday and I actually got everything on my to-do list completed. I have three or four things on the list for the rest of this week and I’m hoping to knock one out each day. One of these things is a plan for 2018. Including a few trips and a way to save and earn more money consistently. I’ve come a long way in 73 days and at the same time I feel like things have gone full circle all the way around.

I’m still figuring out my normal and my own shit and I don’t think that will ever change. I’m learning how to be kinder to myself consistently. I’m learning to bounce a little more and be less harsh to myself overall when I don’t “get what I want in the way I want it, now.” I’ve come to the conclusion so far that what I really want is to ditch my roommates, get a new apartment or at least a new start in this one without them, build a savings. Take at least one major trip. And find a way to ditch my desk job. And that is what I want to make plans to accomplish in the year ahead.

I’m ready to get back in the daily writing game because as much as I think I talk in circles when I write daily, it makes me feel better. So starting new to finish this out. 17 days to go. Let’s see where I get to next.

Day 73: back in the saddle… getting back to my chosen normal and the sunsets on the year past.

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Day 60: I’ve been doing this wrong

You know when you have those epiphany moments and you realize how wrong you’ve been about things. Well maybe not wrong, but how off and so far from the mark you’ve been…

I’ve had a few of those in the last week and they’ve been wonderful. Complete awakening moments of holy shit man, this is crazy. And I’ve loved every minute.

This year I told myself I have to read a minimum of 12 books (one a month). Most of the books I’ve been choosing to read have been books that help you try to find yourself, or books that make you rethink your own status quo. They’re not the typical kinds of books I read, so I tried to approach them with openness. I’d say that these books, in combination with a few other practices I’ve welcomed into my world, have allowed me to change in ways I never experienced before.

I’ve been happier than I think I ever have been in my life – in the last month.

I’m doing things differently and catching myself when things start to turn. I’ve been shaken and stirred and am still trying to settle into the person I’m choosing to be, but I’m in a completely different headspace than I was less than 6 months ago. There’s a few things that have changed within me and there are a lot of things I just stopped holding against myself. To say that it’s been a progressional year and a long time coming are understatements. To say that it was any one thing, would be a lie.

Honestly it sounds silly but I am so stupid happy right now I really don’t care about anything else. The wrong that once existed is in the past and I’m over it. Things happen and come and go and I go with them. I have moments of not being this way and I don’t react the way I once did. I don’t slump like I once did. Even in the moments of irrational fear I have been catching myself and being able to change the dial back to happiness because of recognition of the irrationality. I can’t attribute this shift to any one thing, but I’m so fucking happy that its happened.

I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I really don’t care at this point in time. I’m focusing on being and that’s enough. For the first time in my entire life I not only feel like I’m more than enough, but I feel myself being irrational and stopping the self hatred. I feel myself letting myself be. And by being I’m able to be more and more.

I’ve tried to explain some of this to people and they don’t typically understand it. Some of the things I’ve done seem really woo woo/ fru fru what ever you want to call it, but I honestly don’t care because they make me feel better or good. Take it where you can get it people… life really does change on a dime and for once I’m not afraid of losing. I never thought I’d find this and the fact that I did is wonderous in itself. I may have missed the mark to get here and it may happen again but I’m incandescently happy and I can’t get this grin off my face yet again and ya know what I’ll take it.

Day 60: on the road to enlightenment, enjoying how stupid happy I am. A dawn has come.

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Day 57: I need to quit fearing

Conflicted by thoughts of running out of my job on a daily basis, keeping the status quo for now, trying to/thinking about remotely working and wondering whether I’m too accustomed to eating to quit right now…

That sentence in itself is exhausting. Maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe I’m not being lazy enough haha. By lazy I mean going with my feelings and actually listening to myself rather than doing things just because I feel or think I have to. I know I want a different job. I know I’m afraid of working remotely, but when I’m sitting here stuck at a desk and being forced to interact with people I want nothing to do with it…I go nuts. Maybe it’s the wrong people. Maybe I’m just exhausted and need to keep slowing down in general. Maybe I’m missing the point entirely.

We all have our days that we want to hide from the world. Ironically this morning wasn’t a total struggle to get out of bed, but once I got here I can’t say the same. I’ve fallen over a great book that I’ve been listening to and I’m trying to tune out the world. But the more I try to keep to myself the more people try to break in. Then I talk to people for five seconds and think wow they’re fucking stupid. And really want to run.

In the middle of a transition of finding myself in a way I never could before and letting go of what was to make way for what can be…I’m still one foot in and one foot out of a chapter in my life. Maybe its a whole different book at this point. Knowing I’m being irrational and half the fears I have are just that…. I try not to let it get in the way.

Day 57: I think I’ve successfully broken the habit of being myself and I’m interested in seeing where it goes, but I have to catch myself still when I act like that other girl. While trying not to let fear and irrationality rule… I move forward trying to untangle my conflictions.

Day 56: losing track of the days

Today was a whirlwind to say the least. Actually, the last handful of days have been a whirlwind. I started out this challenge writing 1 post a day in hopes to have a total of 90 posts. I’m a little over halfway through and somewhere around post 37 I stopped doing daily updates. I realized I don’t have a whole lot to say on an everyday basis when I’m going through the motions. I also feel like I’m trying to live more in the moment and that means not recounting my every move to myself. I’m going to attempt to go with an every other day update for those following along as well as myself, but we’ll see how it goes from here on out. /disclaimer

This weekend was great not much unlike the majority of days I’ve had lately. However, I will say it’s far too short. As per usual, I’m not wanting to go to work tomorrow and I’m doing my best not to fight myself. I’ve realized as much as I don’t want this job, I don’t really want the alternative either. Working remotely right now scares the shit out of me. The thought of traveling the world scares the shit out of me. The so called flying without a net in hopes of finding something or finding myself in the process… has already begun… but I’m not quite at the next phase yet. I’ve wanted to travel because that’s when I’ve felt the most free. But right now I have something in my life I’m not quite ready to lose. In one moment I’m not yet ready to jump and in the next I’m full force ready to take the leap and travel for 6 months. No middle ground, but that’s part of me being me.

How easy it is to bounce back and forth is the realization that I’m not afraid to do it, I’m afraid to lose what I’ve just found. I’m afraid to really be alone in this city again on a daily basis in a work and play setting. I’ve said it before, as much as I hate my job sometimes it really does save my ass. It gets me out in the world. I wish I had a little more freedom to flow but I’ll figure it out.

Last week I fought myself on everything. I was down. I was annoyed. I tried to change the channel. I did. I succeeded. I left for the weekend and it was a wonderful thing. I enjoyed some state parks and some beach time and some photography time. I talked to people that get me and want to see me succeed. On the weekend before I’m about to walk into my past, I’m reminded why I don’t want to be there anymore. This is better; by far.

I’m finally starting to delve into the world here. I finally have people in my life that are willing to go along for the ride with me. I’ve been happier now than I ever remember being. I’m consistently happier now than I ever remember being. I’m more stable now than I ever remember being (mentally and emotionally). I’m changing. I’m finding me again and I’m being myself with the people that are now in my life. I’m not perfect and I have a ways to go to get where I want to be, but I’m happy being right here for now. That’s something I couldn’t say before this challenge. That’s something I couldn’t say before the last 8ish weeks.

I’m not moving as fast as I’d like, but I’m putting a handful of things into play that I hadn’t before. I’m playing with life in a completely different way than I once was. I’m being open to different things differently. I’m almost sick of talking to the people that were once a part of my world. It isn’t that I don’t or didn’t value the role they played, but rather they don’t seem to fit anymore and now its more than apparent.

I spent a few hours today at the beach for example. I walked down the beach alone. I stood in the surf. I let myself take in the moment and just be. I listened to the roar of the waves as the ocean surrounded me in all her glory. I watched the sunset over the pier. I took in the energy all around. I felt and saw something completely different than anything I ever have before and that pier is one of my favorite places in the world to be – aka – I go there a lot. I’m noticing things differently and in a different way than I once did. I’m being different than I once was. None of this was the case before this challenge.

I had moments of shifting and I had moments of growth. I had times where things had been culminating and only now was I really able to see them. August seems like more than a lifetime behind me and it was about  4months ago. I can remember shit from 4 years ago, from 14 years ago that feels like yesterday, yet 4 months ago seems almost illusive to me. It’s a crazy thing. One more day off. That’s what I want this week. I want tomorrow off. I want to take tomorrow and breathe. I want to watch a couple movies that I found and I want to finish my painting. I want to stop being in the 9-5 world, but I need to find the right fit for me to gain some financial stability before I stop getting a steady paycheck. I made a decision today about moving forward. Let’s see if its the right fit. Fingers crossed.

I may have no idea what I want at the end of this. I may realize that I’m afraid of letting go in general and that I really need to work on that, but I think everyone does. I may realize that I do want to travel but not for 6 months. Maybe 3 trips, 1-2 months each. Not one right after another. You really never know what can happen. You really never know where life will take you. Right now I’m smitten with a person I wouldn’t have ever thought twice about in the past. I’m breaking my own barriers. I’m breaking my own expectations of the world around me and I’m literally just doing what I want or what feels right. It’s all wonderful actually.

Day 56: basking in the glory of the Pacific. 25510815_10155048979381752_1948855230_o.jpg

 

Day 52: Stopping to smell the roses

The last few days have been weird. My head and sinuses have been screwed because of these fires and a combination of a self induced hangover. Yet, I still can’t stop the crazy good mood I’m in. The fantasy of all of this…. the music I’ve been listening to…Everything just adds to the good mood. Everything fuels the fire. It’s insane how good I feel right now. The kicker – because there always is – I’m really starting not to trust this.

Always a skeptic. Yet with every new person I meet, every new idea I take a chance on makes me feel more alive. The more I scroll through facebook now, the more I find things I love and just let it flow. Pieces of art, friends’ photos, sayings, all kinds of things. The more happiness and love I seem to radiate the more I seem to get. It’s law of attraction 101 yet until the last month I really haven’t thought twice about the legitimacy of it all. And it’s wonderful. That is all.

Day 52: feeling some real change.1557473_10151868200961752_1271997019_n.jpg

 

Day 51: a fine line

There’s a fine line between the best and worst pieces of your life. There’s a fine line between love and hate in regards to yourself. There’s a fine line between failure and success. And that line only exists where your definition draws the line.

With time and patience and a little mix of crazy I keep moving forward. Knowing I’ve been in far worse places mentally, emotionally, and physically, this year has still probably been my hardest to deal with yet. I had to toe the line of staying in a place I’ve dreamt about living since the age of 10 and going back to NY to stay. The fact that I say back doesn’t fit, there is no going back. There is only forward. But geographically back probably would have killed me. And I’m not being dramatic.

I spent a very long time being stuck. The best thing I’ve learned this year wasn’t getting unstuck, it was knowing when to say enough. It was learning and practicing when to back off or move forward when I needed to, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I’m about there now with this current position. Knowing that everything is temporary and that things can always get worse I’m not going to jump until I know I have something else in the wings… but I haven’t had this job 90 days and I spend almost everyday doing something to keep my brain occupied and my heart at ease that has nothing to do with the job.

Here’s where the line gets drawn… This morning was a real struggle. I didn’t want to get out of bed. In fact I laid in bed an extra 15 minutes because I felt like it. I fought myself to brush my teeth. I fought myself to put pants on. I sat on my bed half dressed asking myself do I really have to do this. Eventually I got up and did it. I went to work. I landed an $8500 a month contract for the next six months, which is more than they pay me in a year and the struggle continued. Throughout my day in a complete haze I found a middle ground. I talked to a few friends of mine and that helped. And then I lightened up a bit and it was like the damn sun came out. Days like these used to wreck me. The days of shadow ever loomed overhead. They’d go on in a never ending cycle and I wouldn’t ever be aware of the next sunny day until it slapped me with a sunburn.

Whether its because I now live in the land of perpetual summer or the fact that I’m probably more consistently happy now than I’ve ever been in my life, my sunny days seem to negate the shadow’s reach. And this time I have sunscreen. I’m not choosing happiness anymore than I ever chose depression, but I’m choosing to breathe and let out what I need and express myself to myself. I’m allowing myself to feel the value and worth within based on me and a few people that have surprised the shit out of me in the last few weeks. I keep finding more and more people to add to the circle and I love it. I’m not only getting attention from myself in a way I never have, I’m getting attention from people in a way I never have. These aren’t the people nor are they the relationships I once knew. They’re not the ones where you’re always at arm’s length despite owning the title of best friend and then blamed when their life goes up in flames.

I am so fucking stupidly happy I am not in that place of my life anymore. I am so fucking stupidly happy that I am not that girl anymore. Not quite at the point of self love, still dealing with weeding out some masochistic tendencies… And the whole play on the word deserve seems to ring in my ears… but that’s a story for another day.

Today I crossed my line multiple times. But I’m okay. Tomorrow is another day. I won’t be doing this job for much longer. I’m going to continue to learn where the lines truly lie. And when they don’t fit anymore I’ll move them accordingly. You’re the one that draws the lines. You’re the one with the power and control to move them. Be kind to yourself and find which ones can help and which ones will hurt when crossed.

Failure is not the opposite of success. It takes failures to reach success. It takes loss to find gain. It takes pain to find happiness. It takes heartbreak to find love. The line is almost non-existent because life doesn’t exist only in black and white. Sometimes the grey area kills me. Sometimes it is where I thrive most. Find your balance. See where you end up.

Day 51: whether the line is drawn in sand or stone it will somehow, someway be crossed.

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