I took a few days to myself and honestly its the best thing I could have done. Things seem to be turning out better than I could have expected and for that I am grateful.
This is my second challenge to myself and this is the second time that this has happened in the middle of it; a major shift. I was offered another position. I put notice in on my previous position. I was then asked to stay on as a contractor and continue to do one aspect of the job that I was doing, work the hours I want to work and get paid for that, but I get to work remotely. I’ve been given benefits and perks in this new position that most definitely outweigh any reservations I had. And life has been treating me well, despite falling on my face and still trying to recover.
Money has been easy to come by and things are working out pretty much all the way around. I’m less stressed because I haven’t had to spend hours on end in traffic. I’ve been taking care of my body and trying to heal since falling. I’ve most definitely calmed down. And when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t see someone who’s dead inside…. as I did when I was going through the motions with my previous job as my life.
I planned a trip back to NY for July. A trip to Arizona in May. I’m going to try for a trip to Colorado in October. NY for Christmas and Vegas for my birthday in January. Trips can officially be taken off the list as an accomplished goal. It isn’t Europe or the UK, but honestly I’m more than happy with this list. I think 2019 is going to be the year I go back to Italy and maybe England. And maybe I’ll surprise myself in the middle somewhere with something else.
That being said… It really is funny how fast things change. I’ve been writing back and forth about depression and stability. I’ve been changing for the better little by little and it is when things work out that I can see the most change in me. But that’s the thing I’ve really realized… you have to end up depressed or angry or enraged at your situation for you to realize that you have to change something because this is no longer serving you. You need something to alert you to really make change in your world and for me it has to be extreme or I won’t really pay attention; I’ll go on business as usual because whatever.
If I look back at my life I never would have believed half of the things I’ve done so far. That goes for things both good and bad. I probably wouldn’t have believed that I actually made it to California depending on what age self you’d ask me. It was always a dream, but I feel like it was never expected to become a reality. And there lies the true difference in the risk and the chase. I’ve always been a dreamer but I’ve always been a realist. I think it’s the combination of the two that allow the dreams to actually be accomplished. The ability of knowing you have to take the risk to even potentially get the reward and realizing that shit is going to happen either way makes whatever risk you take more than worth it. Yes there are more details than that but I think you get the point.
It’s fucking hard to create a life for yourself. It’s even harder to create a life that you actually want to live. It takes many trials and errors. It takes a lot of nightmares and anxiety attacks and a whole lot of asking yourself what the fuck am I doing. But it can be done.
Not to get all cliche, but to accomplish something you never have before you have to do something you’ve never done. Just my opinion. I also think we have to realize how to adjust what our expectations became, what they used to be and what they could be from the point in which we stand in time.
I’m someone that often looks to the past for answers and it does and doesn’t help, but I’m so far past being someone I had been for the last handful of years that it almost has to go back to the first college days or the days of high school when I just knew what I wanted and knew it was within reach. Going through the motions but still living way more in the moment than thinking about 5 to 10 years from now.
The difference between being a kid is that everything is a dream. An imaginatory situation that you can only think up in your head because you don’t have any life experience yet. As you become a teenager you think you have your little world all figured out and you probably do, because that’s all you can see. But you aren’t worried about half the things you might worry about as an adult because they most likely aren’t part of your reality. Your imagination is still only so big but in a shape shifting way from when you were a child. You become a young adult and you get the responsibility and freedom in a way you never had before and at this point it is a wonderful thing. You get out of college and now you have to deal with debt and loans and trying to break even while not trying to get drunk or high every night of the week because life is kicking your ass. While you’re still allowing yourself to have fun, you shift into another version of yourself. Maybe you grow up a little or maybe you grow down. We keep changing roles and shapes and personas until we figure out where our truth lies. And hopefully we enjoy the journey at times along the way.
I can tell you right now my truth feels a lot more like my 20 year old self and my 15 year old self than it ever has from 21-28. My current today, 29 year old self says holy shit man you feel like you for the first time in years and its a wonderful thing. But the things that you do in life and how you handle life are 100% different than they ever used to be and this time its serving you for the better.
I’m into meditation and self help books. I read at least 1 book per month whether its an adventure, sci fi, self help, or educational. I make goal lists on post it notes and stick them to my bathroom mirror. I read books and literature on the energies of the world and for the first time can acknowledge that I have a belief that is more spiritual than religious and not be ashamed to admit it to myself. I laugh at a lot of this because it is what it is. I didn’t grow up with most of this being any part of my life. I used to hate reading for one. I always thought it was boring… perhaps I was just reading the wrong shit.
Don’t get me wrong I still do a lot of the same things I did that I loved to do before like drawing, painting, writing and photography, but even these feel different. The inspiration and creative juices flow from a different part of me than they used to. I almost wish I had the childlike creativity back, but as I mentioned imagination changes as we grow older.
But we can’t always respect the journey when we’re on it. We have to learn to respect the journey when we’re progressed to a point where we look back and say I’m never going back there again. And whether it happens or not doesn’t matter. It’s like an internal promise we make to say I’m never going to let depression or anxiety consume my being. Or it’s going to say now I know what I need to do to “fix myself” this time.
I’m ready and I welcome the changes that are upon me. It’s taken almost 2 years and a handful of learning moments, wtf moments and personal meltdowns, but I think I’m finally close to creating the life I actually want to have. And when I can actually walk again I’m treating myself to the beach. Because little by little the life I said I didn’t want, doesn’t exist anymore.
Days 25-29: life is good. Day 30: keep on keepin on.