Days 25-29: It’s funny how these things work out

I took a few days to myself and honestly its the best thing I could have done. Things seem to be turning out better than I could have expected and for that I am grateful.

This is my second challenge to myself and this is the second time that this has happened in the middle of it; a major shift. I was offered another position. I put notice in on my previous position. I was then asked to stay on as a contractor and continue to do one aspect of the job that I was doing, work the hours I want to work and get paid for that, but I get to work remotely.  I’ve been given benefits and perks in this new position that most definitely outweigh any reservations I had. And life has been treating me well, despite falling on my face and still trying to recover.

Money has been easy to come by and things are working out pretty much all the way around. I’m less stressed because I haven’t had to spend hours on end in traffic. I’ve been taking care of my body and trying to heal since falling. I’ve most definitely calmed down. And when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t see someone who’s dead inside…. as I did when I was going through the motions with my previous job as my life.

I planned a trip back to NY for July. A trip to Arizona in May. I’m going to try for a trip to Colorado in October. NY for Christmas and Vegas for my birthday in January. Trips can officially be taken off the list as an accomplished goal. It isn’t Europe or the UK, but honestly I’m more than happy with this list. I think 2019 is going to be the year I go back to Italy and maybe England. And maybe I’ll surprise myself in the middle somewhere with something else.

That being said… It really is funny how fast things change. I’ve been writing back and forth about depression and stability. I’ve been changing for the better little by little and it is when things work out that I can see the most change in me. But that’s the thing I’ve really realized… you have to end up depressed or angry or enraged at your situation for you to realize that you have to change something because this is no longer serving you. You need something to alert you to really make change in your world and for me it has to be extreme or I won’t really pay attention; I’ll go on business as usual because whatever.

If I look back at my life I never would have believed half of the things I’ve done so far. That goes for things both good and bad. I probably wouldn’t have believed that I actually made it to California depending on what age self you’d ask me. It was always a dream, but I feel like it was never expected to become a reality. And there lies the true difference in the risk and the chase. I’ve always been a dreamer but I’ve always been a realist. I think it’s the combination of the two that allow the dreams to actually be accomplished. The ability of knowing you have to take the risk to even potentially get the reward and realizing that shit is going to happen either way makes whatever risk you take more than worth it. Yes there are more details than that but I think you get the point.

It’s fucking hard to create a life for yourself. It’s even harder to create a life that you actually want to live. It takes many trials and errors. It takes a lot of nightmares and anxiety attacks and a whole lot of asking yourself what the fuck am I doing. But it can be done.

Not to get all cliche, but to accomplish something you never have before you have to do something you’ve never done. Just my opinion. I also think we have to realize how to adjust what our expectations became, what they used to be and what they could be from the point in which we stand in time.

I’m someone that often looks to the past for answers and it does and doesn’t help, but I’m so far past being someone I had been for the last  handful of years that it almost has to go back to the first college days or the days of high school when I just knew what I wanted and knew it was within reach. Going through the motions but still living way more in the moment than thinking about 5 to 10 years from now.

The difference between being a kid is that everything is a dream. An imaginatory situation that you can only think up in your head because you don’t have any life experience yet. As you become a teenager you think you have your little world all figured out and you probably do, because that’s all you can see. But you aren’t worried about half the things you might worry about as an adult because they most likely aren’t part of your reality. Your imagination is still only so big but in a shape shifting way from when you were a child. You become a young adult and you get the responsibility and freedom in a way you never had before and at this point it is a wonderful thing. You get out of college and now you have to deal with debt and loans and trying to break even while not trying to get drunk or high every night of the week because life is kicking your ass. While you’re still allowing yourself to have fun, you shift into another version of yourself. Maybe you grow up a little or maybe you grow down. We keep changing roles and shapes and personas until we figure out where our truth lies. And hopefully we enjoy the journey at times along the way.

I can tell you right now my truth feels a lot more like my 20 year old self and my 15 year old self than it ever has from 21-28. My current today, 29 year old self says holy shit man you feel like you for the first time in years and its a wonderful thing. But the things that you do in life and how you handle life are 100% different than they ever used to be and this time its serving you for the better.

I’m into meditation and self help books. I read at least 1 book per month whether its an adventure, sci fi, self help, or educational. I make goal lists on post it notes and stick them to my bathroom mirror. I read books and literature on the energies of the world and for the first time can acknowledge that I have a belief that is more spiritual than religious and not be ashamed to admit it to myself. I laugh at a lot of this because it is what it is. I didn’t grow up with most of this being any part of my life. I used to hate reading for one. I always thought it was boring… perhaps I was just reading the wrong shit.

Don’t get me wrong I still do a lot of the same things I did that I loved to do before like drawing, painting, writing and photography, but even these feel different. The inspiration and creative juices flow from a different part of me than they used to. I almost wish I had the childlike creativity back, but as I mentioned imagination changes as we grow older.

But we can’t always respect the journey when we’re on it. We have to learn to respect the journey when we’re progressed to a point where we look back and say I’m never going back there again. And whether it happens or not doesn’t matter. It’s like an internal promise we make to say I’m never going to let depression or anxiety consume my being. Or it’s going to say now I know what I need to do to “fix myself” this time.

I’m ready and I welcome the changes that are upon me. It’s taken almost 2 years and a handful of learning moments, wtf moments and personal meltdowns, but I think I’m finally close to creating the life I actually want to have. And when I can actually walk again I’m treating myself to the beach. Because little by little the life I said I didn’t want, doesn’t exist anymore.

Days 25-29: life is good. Day 30: keep on keepin on.

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Day 23-24: change is upon us

I’m crazy to have done this but the truth is I had to know. I had to take the chance on a dream I said I owed to myself no matter how many times I let it go. I had to drive across the country alone. I had to get here. I had to almost lose being here. I have to be reminded almost daily that what I left almost killed me. I have to go through PTSD every time I sleep at my parents’ house. I might ask myself wtf am I doing ten times a day, but I had to know. I had to know.

I have been at least 7 different people in my life so far. 7. That may seem like a lot but growth, change, adaptation, pain, love, loss, things change you. I’ve lived and died in more ways than I can count and yet the life I have right now as much as it is a major risk that I had to take, it’s not living. It’s not. It is really that simple.

I have lofty dreams. I have big goals. Whatever it is you want to label them as, it is what it is. I am an over achiever. I am a passionate dreamer, a romantic, a fairytale fucking princess and I am a realist, a cynic, and overly logical to the point of unemotional bitch. But I am a human and I deserve to fucking live. Really live.

Anger and passion aside. I don’t tend to tip toe around risks of any kind. I drove across this country alone for one. I’ve told multiple people I loved them and wanted to be with them when I already knew the answer wasn’t going to be reciprocated because I needed to know for sure. I needed to know that despite them saying I love you to me first and them not letting me go too far out of their sight that it wasn’t really me that they chose. And that’s okay.

We all make mistakes in our lives. We all fail. We all dream. We all create. We are human and that is the point. So why do we kill ourselves over doing things in such a way that we consistently hurt ourselves and don’t live up to our own expectations? Nothing, I repeat, nothing ever lives up to expectations. Ever. Sometimes it’s better and that’s amazing. Sometimes it’s great for a while and that’s great too. Sometimes it’s shit from the beginning but at least we have an answer. But expectations don’t make things better, they make things harder.

I was offered a job on the spot yesterday. A job I actually wanted or thought that I did because it has the perks of being 4 miles away from my house (read no LA traffic), the same amount of money I’m making now, but with benefits the company pays for (read less bills for me), the position directly under the CEO and owner of the company (yet again) who already complimented you on your intelligence and added in appreciation for honesty, to which you actually accepted (read I’m bad at taking compliments). I had these guys eating out of the palm of my hand and everything I was saying was true. And yet here I am, questioning wtf I’m doing. Because I’m still not really living. Wtf am I doing?!

Why can’t I get the past out of my head, why can’t I get it out of my heart?! I don’t want to be there now. Now isn’t the time I cared about. 3 years ago wasn’t the time I cared about. 6 years ago was the time I cared about and that life is never coming back, nor should it. I have yet to really progress here in ways I expected. But despite that I’ve gained a lot more than I ever knew I lost.

I’ve become a person I actually like overall again. I am a person who tries and tries, that has not changed, but I am changing for the better. So when I ask myself wtf are you doing I can respond, I’m trying damn it, I’m trying. Sometimes that isn’t enough and sometimes its the only thing I have to hold onto. What happens in the middle is uncertainty I’m trying to deal with now. I think my issue right now is I really don’t know how much I want this. After two years of fighting and kicking and screaming for it… do I actually choose to change it? To leave it? The thought of that freaks me out, but I don’t go one week without thinking about it. I keep trying to stay; fuck – I keep staying.

I’m actually doing it despite the fact that it doesn’t feel that way. I’m doing it damn it. I’m more emotionally stable than I’ve ever been. I’m more financially stable than I’ve ever been. I still have nothing I want and I’m ready to have some of those things. I’m not afraid anymore. So the time has come to change again. The new beginning starts with the new job I guess. The new job is going to bring about some other changes. Like a workout routine because I’ll no longer be spending an hour and a half in traffic. I need to let myself live and really give this a go. Or I need to leave and stop fighting so hard to be.

Life is a personal problem, but I can’t fix this one alone. They say you need two people where one person created a problem. I need to find my person in this city because right now I have many persons, but they’re scattered in cities all over the world and as wonderful as it is, it is not the same. Now Help by the Beatles is echoing in my head…I’m going to leave you at that.

Days 23-24: Change. Change is good. Looking for the Help I need…taking applications.

Day 25: who knows, I’m going off the cuff here.

Day 22: getting clear on the next steps

I’ve been talking to a handful of new and different people lately. The more I talk to people the more I realize that we’re in some really weird times in society. I’m not the only one stuck between past and future. We as a society are seemingly caught between two worlds.

I grew up in a small town in Central New York. Things weren’t terribly cheap but cost of living was a lot more reasonable. We had malls and highways and skyscrapers and what not but it was a city of about 70,000 people, so the exposure to the real world was, let’s just say limited. Like I said we had a few malls, but I had never set foot in a Nordstrom until I moved to Boston at the age of 24, nor did I know what it was. And by that time I had been to 8 different countries on 3 continents and about 25/50 states. To say I was a bit sheltered is an understatement, but to call myself somewhat worldly is also not far from the truth.

It’s here that I still feel that stuck in the middle perspective except now I live in Los Angeles and ironically feel more sheltered, more isolated and more closed off than I ever have. Maybe it’s because I don’t have cable, maybe it’s because my thoughts are preoccupied with something else. I’m not sure. But the handful of friends I have that moved away are all starting to move back because the cost of life outside the hometown is astronomical and damn near impossible to attain. We’re the new middle class. The in betweeners. The ones that most adults don’t view as adults and consistently treat us like kids, but we’re entering into our early to mid 30s.

In a world of social media we’re stunted and exposed to all the wrong things at all times. Screaming to be heard and fighting for fair wages. Yet no one has a clue what they want to be then they grow up, nor do they know if the job they want will even exist when we get there.

Trying to make a life is hard enough on its own. But what happens when the majority of people don’t have a clue what they want to do and can only figure it out by giving it a try? You end up with trillions in student loan debt and an economy that’s about to shit the bed. And here I am trying to make a life in one of the most ridiculous cities ever (by choice but I still get to say it), and the price tag on everything has me stunned to the point of leaving the country.

This was not the world I planned on being a part of. This was not the life I thought I’d live. But I’m trying to make that life. I’m trying to create that world. I can no longer do it alone. Money, time, effort, passion. These things need to learn to play well together or I’m screwed. It’s time I do the one thing I’m unwilling to do without leaving this city and that’s get a second job. Either that or I need to seriously put my nose to the grindstone and start making money with my company which I believe to be a long shot right this second. I really think it’s time to get creative.

Anyone out there have any ideas or ways they use to jump start their creativity? I’m currently injured and not able to drive – so there’s that. Ugh maybe I just need some patience, but I’ve really had enough. We’re at about 8 years of patience here. This is my not so depressive cry for help. Help!

Day 22: Problem solved… I can’t do it alone. Day 23: I’m still lost I’ll figure it out when I get there.

 

Day 21: I have no idea what I’m doing

So I clearly have no idea what I’m doing, but then again in the game of life who really does?

I’ve applied to a bunch of new jobs in hopes of moving up, but I can’t help think about going back to NY. For the first time I’m admitting I’m afraid of getting what I want and I’m admitting this in ways I never knew existed until last night. After a conversation with an older cousin (she’s 70 and like the cool aunt in new and mysterious ways) I realized that I’m fucking scared of the things I say I want.

I’m afraid of having a relationship because I’ve been badly burned in the past. I’m afraid of really loving someone again because it’s wrecked me in ways that have resulted in me having to rebuild myself from scratch. I’m afraid of getting another job because all the ones I’ve had are stupid and I never seem to make enough money to actually live in any way other than paycheck to paycheck. I’m afraid of having complete freedom because I might just want to lay in bed for weeks at a time because I can.  I’m afraid of having and really pulling off my own business because I’m not ready to work that hard for something that might fail. All of these things are fear based. And all of them are irrational despite any truth.

I’ve failed before. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve dealt with life and death and a lot of things in between. I’ve dealt with anxiety, depression, mania, not knowing how I’m going to pay to live in my apartment anymore and having to go back to a life that was once killing me. And I’ve fucking survived to the point where I’m better overall than I ever fucking was. Sorry my angry NYer is showing.

We all have our demons. I know that my demon is in fact myself. It exists within and is only played with because of my own mind and the actions of others outside me. Always ready to react and not to take shit from anyone, but the people that are giving me the shit have no idea that they’re doing it. Suddenly the way we live doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Not at all.

I’ve made arguments in the past that society doesn’t make sense, but seriously man this couldn’t be more true in my world than it is right now. The idea of getting in my car and driving back across the country and staying in NY for a month doesn’t freak me out. The idea of stopping in places to see people and to actually live whether in hotels or in their houses or even sleeping in my car if that’s what it takes – is something I’m willing to do. But I’m not willing to stay here and deal with living paycheck to paycheck in hopes of making it by. I need to be thrown a bone that is only going to hit me in the face at full force and knock some sense into my world that has been somewhat lackluster.

And bam — that lightbulb goes on. I’m more willing to have the exact opposite of settling down and making a live in a city, to potentially own a home and have a relationship that might turn into marriage because it actually scares me and lights me up more to travel the world and for some reason I want to scare the shit out of myself. The answer to “what do you want” can no longer be responded to with “not this.” Not this is no longer enough. I don’t want the life I have. I really don’t. I want the idea of the life I have, not the actuality. I want the idea of the life in NY not the actuality. My expectations are not aligned with reality, but the things I want aren’t supposed to be things that are that fucking hard to achieve.

Like I said yesterday… I want a level of fitness I’ve yet to achieve and a body I can actually feel comfortable in. I want a business of my own. I want money to burn/ a savings of sorts, so that I’m not worried about buying myself dinner in a restaurant tonight. And I want to be able to travel to one place a year that doesn’t involve staying with my parents.

I’ve lived life in a lot of different ways, but I’m no longer willing to just go through the motions. I’m no longer willing to put up with a job that I can’t stand that doesn’t pay me enough money. I’m no longer willing to not have a social life because I don’t have the extra $10 to pay to park on top of whatever other hoop LA makes me jump through. I’m no longer willing to sit back and wait for things to happen that I say that I want to have “when I’m ready.”

I’m ready to have the life I want. I’m not scared anymore. I’m ready to be better at this and I’m ready to try harder to make it so.

I keep reinventing the wheel when feelings of inadequacy and stagnance become the lights leading the way home. This life seems to be a land where fun is not in sight and money is hiding too. And that can’t be my life anymore. I refuse to let it be.

I am ready for change. I am ready to change. I am ready to get the things that I want. I am ready to commit to my next leap. I said it the other day – faith wasn’t always something I’ve been friends with, but I took a leap of faith once and it paid off in ways I didn’t yet understand. It’s time to take another leap and have faith that it will help and change things in ways I don’t quite yet understand. And it’s time to take hold of the things that I say that I want because I can’t be afraid anymore.

The truth is – I have been standing in my own way. But I never knew it was because I was afraid to get what I wanted. I refuse to be afraid anymore. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to live the life I want. I’m ready to make changes in my world to do so. It’s time.

Day 21: always figuring out myself, but finally woken up. Day 22: getting clear on the next steps.

Day 20: forging a new beginning but being haunted by the past

Well it took me a few days, but I did it. I got back in the game and I’ve made progress I didn’t know was there to make. And for that – I am grateful. And of course there’s a but in here.. because I’ve been having thoughts and dreams over the last week that keep bringing up my past world…

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer to the point where if I don’t let a dream finish, then I end up feeling the emotions I was playing out in my head throughout the entire day. It’s kinda weird but it is what it is. I have been able to manipulate dreams and I’ve even had dreams come true in the past. I typically remember my dreams, but unless it involves something strange or someone out of the ordinary I don’t give it much thought. That being said.. lately I’ve been dreaming of the life I had about 6 years ago.

My biggest issue is and always has been, how do you move forward when you seemingly have one foot in the past?

Last week marked 2 years of me being in Los Angeles and I do love it here but I consistently get to “what’s the point” more often than I’d like. I’m making more money than I’ve ever made and I’ve had jobs in the field that I’ve wanted to be in since college. I’ve accomplished things I’ve always wanted to do, and I’ve stopped being someone I never wanted to become…yet for some reason it’s not enough. The funny things about dreams when you’re awake are the facts that once you get the things you want you’re on to the next one. The dreams you have when you’re asleep usually mark things in a different way (at least for me).

In an ideal world I’d buy a house here, travel to a handful of places and use this as a home base. I’d eventually get married and raise children and not worry about seasonal depression with 6+ months of snow and gloom because hell this is Southern California. But the median cost of a house is $600,000, rent is $1000 per month and ever increasing in an apartment I share. And my boss is making me take on the person he let go of’s job because he doesn’t want to pay him anymore. So I get more things to do but no pay. A lot of this is how I came to the conclusion that I want my own company. The issue becomes how do I stop the past from shaping my new chapter? How I do I keep the past behind me when there are so many ridiculous “knowns” in my head right now.

How do I continue “business as usual” when I know it isn’t really working?

I’ve talked about reinventing the wheel. And it made me think back to my first challenge of wanting to travel the world and actually feel like I’m living. Which I still want to do. I want to do it a million times over. Yet, I’m  not quite ready to leave LA because I’m still holding on to the dream I took when I decided to leave NY. I had to deal with potentially leaving this behind all summer last year and I got to keep it. So letting it go now seems stupid to say the least. It’s times like these where I look at myself and seriously look at myself and say what the fuck are you doing?! Why are you doing this again? Why are you doing this to yourself again?! What is it that you really want?!

And there it is. The kicker… I changed my life for the better, yes. I’ve changed myself for the better, yes. I’m better off financially than I ever have been, yes. BUT and this is a huge BUT…. I still have nothing I want. I’m not at the weight I want to be or the level of fitness. I’m not in a career I want to have I just keep getting jobs. I’m not at a place where I can spend money without guilting myself about it later. I’m not in a place to have a home. I’m not in a relationship in which the person I am with is who I’ll marry. I’ve not been on a vacation in 2 years that didn’t involve going back to visit my parents — aka not a vacation. So maybe that’s my problem again.

Too many things in your life today are the same things that have been ruling your past. Inadequacy. Being stuck. Not feeling alive. Being over emotional. Not being where you want in any facet of your life.

Maybe this new beginning is exactly what you need. Maybe it’s time to focus on one goal and one thing that will change you and your world exponentially. I have a second interview for a new job Tuesday. I’m working with a business coach to gain extra money. I’m not able to walk at the moment because of my ankle but when I can I want to start really taking care of my body. I want to start my day as if on purpose rather than hitting the snooze button.

I guess in reality despite telling myself I want to start over… what I really want is to start over. An admission I never realized until right now. I want to say this time is going to be different and mean it. Because it has to be. I owe it to me for this time to be different. My new dream is accomplishing one of the four things in my life that I say I want, but still have yet to get.

1: business
2: body /fitness
3: money to burn
4: one trip per year that doesn’t involve going to my parents’ house.

Day 20: crafting my new beginning is in play. Day 21: doing something about it.

Day 18: Never an Expert, Always a Student

I’ve noticed that anytime I go to reinvent the wheel that is my life… I always go back to “school.” I go to learning everything I can get my hands on in hopes of making an informed decision. I write and self talk until I can’t anymore and then I try to reach out to the couple of friends I know won’t judge me for the fact that I want to make some kind of “jump” again and need help finding direction.

Whether it be a job, a location, a vocation or relationship, I can’t typically keep my mouth shut. And the ones who know me well enough know that I’ll consider their opinions, but the tricky thing about advice is I’m the one who has to live with the consequences, so I’m going to decide whether or not I take it. Sorry for the run on, but I think it makes a point.

That being said… I reached out to a new friend today and I actually got a perspective I didn’t expect, but really fucking appreciate. Someone literally put the words I rambled out to the point of  getting so many thoughts out of my head that I couldn’t spew anything else out – into a spreadsheet. And as much as the spreadsheet put things into perspective, what came out of it was something I definitely needed to hear and yet I was the one who was saying it. So here goes it’s pretty off topic, but it proves a point….

Do you think we’re normal?
Do you think you’re mediocre?
Average?
Status quo?
I don’t mean that people think this about themselves, but I’m trying to make a point…
we’re not normal.
Nor are we typical.. we’re too much.
We’re too much in the “I will give you the world if you let me” kind of way. We’re above average in a world that constantly wants the status quo. We don’t fit… we can try and it happens from time to time. But it doesn’t last because until someone either accepts us or isn’t intimidated by it they can’t “take too much.”
You’re attractive… you can go out and get laid any time you want. I’ve done it too. Playing the game isn’t hard and people are super easy. We’re looking for normal, but normal to us isn’t the same. We aren’t most people. We give everyone everything we have because that’s the only way we know how to be. We save people. From themselves. From the world.
And we hope that the ones we get attached to see it and hand it back. But most people… most people don’t know how.
They don’t even understand what the fuck it is.
To love someone so hard… to really love someone at all you put yourself in a position to be ruined in ways you never thought capable. Love in its own existence is not normal.
We’re all so conditioned to want things and live up to those expectations, but look at yourself.. when have you ever really followed the rules?
But I don’t think you should stop expecting the world out of people who don’t know how to give it because someday someone will surprise you. I just think you need to realize that it’s okay – it doesn’t make it feel better, but it’s okay. And it isn’t your fault. And it isn’t their fault. But for whatever reason it was supposed to happen.
We don’t ever know the true reasons things happen, but there is no such thing as coincidence.
Take me for instance… I was never someone who had much faith. I grew up Catholic and guilt came more easily than anything else. To me religion and its origins are something to learn about but not to believe in. The energies of the world and the faith that things will work out if you’re being true to yourself make sense to me. I don’t doubt anyone else’s beliefs, but this is more my opinion for me personally.
It wasn’t until I moved here that I started doing all the froo froo things I once laughed at
but I’m open to things and willing to give things a chance. If they work for me, then I don’t care what anyone else thinks. This is my life and my world.
But the ability to see someone and to really let them in despite the fact that they can’t themselves is faith in yourself and your abilities to do what you think is right.
I’ve done almost everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life thus far. There are places I’d like to travel and I would like to get married and I would like to have my own company.
It’s not time for all of those yet and that’s okay, I have faith that they’ll happen. But I keep trying to get there.
I don’t believe things just work out. I believe they work out when you work for them, but not to the point of inner turmoil because then you’re tipping the axis. But you find value in the things you do and the person you are.
Despite me wishing I were someone else, it’s more because I know I’m not normal and sometimes I just wish I knew what it felt like to fit in, but I don’t. I’ve always danced to my own drum. And I’ve always given too much. I’ve always felt too much. I’ve always seen too much. I’ve always gotten too many people’s life stories because they can’t help themselves.
I don’t look at the world and see it working. I see that it needs help and to be changed and that we’re standing in the way of ourselves… But I have no idea how to fix it because I’ve been so conditioned to think I’m the one that needs to be fixed.
But that’s exactly why we’re here; to fix the problem, not ourselves. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else and as out there as some of this sounds I think its easy enough to get….
To those out there trying to do something outside of their norm… to those our there that aren’t normal or don’t fit in… to those who have always danced to their own drum… it is more than okay. Standing out and doing something that you’ve never done is hard no matter who you are. Doing something most people don’t do is even harder. So if and when you’re picking on yourself – stop it. If and when you’re doubting yourself – take a deep breath and realize you’re being semi irrational. If you tell yourself you can’t do it then you’re probably right.
I’ve reinvented the wheel more times than I can count. I’ve done so many in things in my life thus far and I have no idea what comes next, but I know next is coming. I can and have done extraordinary things, yet I look at myself and don’t see it most of the time. I am trying to do something that no one I know has ever done. I have already done a few things that no one in my close circle has ever done.
So when things aren’t working out and you’re feeling stuck, unwanted, blah, unloved or mediocre… find a way to believe in yourself. A way to believe that you can do it. That you have taken a risk before and it paid off. That you can take a risk now even though you’ve never done it. That despite what others think or make you feel, it isn’t your truth. Have faith in yourself and your ability to know you best. Sometimes you need a friend and that’s okay. Sometimes you flail and fail and fall on your face like I did the other day. Sometimes no one is there to catch you but sometimes you have someone there to help pick you back up. Take a minute and learn something about yourself today. Learn why you do some of the things you do. Learn your patterns and the mistakes you keep making. And know that despite being the one that knows you best, you’re not an expert on you, you’re always going to be a student, because there’s always something else to learn.
Day 18: healing from the past. Day 19: forging new beginnings.

 

Day 16: failing my challenge, but not entirely

This time around, the challenge I set forth for myself has not really been happening. About a month ago I hurt my back and was going through the motions of forcing myself to sit at a job I hated. I decided then was the time to really focus on starting something else for myself. I had already committed to a business coach and someone to help me plan the early stages of what I wanted, but that wasn’t quite going in the way I had expected. So I took it upon myself and decided to do this again.

It was Monday of last week that I literally tripped and fell on my face.

I was working from home because of my back, after fighting with my boss after multiple doctor’s visits and notes saying I need to rest… I was walking to the kitchen to bring back the dish I had eaten breakfast on… I rolled my ankle, threw the dish I was carrying into the air, fell on my face, watched the plate shatter and continued to lay there thinking I had just broken something (I heard multiple and felt multiple pops on the way down).

I was laying on the floor face down in pain trying to take deep breaths to calm myself and I actually did better than I thought. Whether it was the fact that I had just finished watching the Sopranos 6th season the night before and Tony walked away from a car crash and I was feeling tough enough to be all “hey he got up and was fine”… or because I watched the guy online show how to control yourself and pull yourself out of the ice after falling through with breathing techniques… in less than five minutes I managed to pull myself together and crawl back and onto my bed. Ironically enough despite totally beefing it the only thing that was hurt was my right ankle/foot.

I did some substantial damage, but should be fine in the next few weeks. They gave me crutches, pain meds and a foot wrap thing and here I sit finally breathing what feels like the free air for the time being. I have been working from home but the apparent lack of fit that this job has in my world couldn’t be more real. I’ve been using my time to apply for other things. Tried to take control over my business coaching and asking him to set forth a strategy for us both so that I get the best results for the money I’ve paid, as I don’t fit the typical mold and don’t need to be taught how to use a computer.

But ironically, I think the best thing in my life could have been me falling on my face last week. It’s given me perspective. It’s given me a chance to breathe again and really take the time for myself to just be. It’s given me time alone and to be with my thoughts and see what changes I need to make. On top of actually getting paid and not having to worry about finances. Don’t get me wrong I dread the day I have to walk back into that office, but for right now, I am 1,000,000x better than I had become.

Sometimes we fight so hard to be exactly where we want. Sometimes we don’t stop to smell the roses and sometimes we need to realize that we’re taking the pleasure out of our own lives and existence. Sometimes surrendering to the flow of things is exactly what we need to do. And failure has it’s way of helping success that we didn’t expect.

As a kid I thought adults had things figured out, but life couldn’t be more of a personal problem than it is. Forging your own way in a world that tells you that you “have to” be anything is hard. But knowing your truth and your abilities to seek your own happiness and create your own world, is a beautiful thing. Expectations are a bitch. And being so hellbent and driven on a goal only fuels the fires. But sometimes it takes falling on your face, literally or figuratively to figure out you’re not where you want to be yet, but you’re exactly where you need to be and you’re always one choice away from a different life at any moment. Seize whatever opportunity calls you and see if you can make it great for yourself. Because only you can make your world wonderful. No one else can do it for you.

Day 9-16: recovering from a fall. Day 17 getting back in the game.