Starting to feel like I did before I left. Maybe it’s the people I’m currently letting in my life. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m managing somehow to be more productive than I have in a long time. Maybe a combination of everything, but things feel like they’re working again. The air feels different. I feel different. I feel more like the me I want to be again. It’s a wonderful thing.
Feeling like my irons are finally heating a little bit. Feeling like my efforts are starting to solidify. Maybe it was the flux of the holidays or the location I left, but I think it’s funny how things can change so much from day to day. There’s always a back and forth on these things but I’m trying to improve on my consistency and I think I’m getting better.
Since being back in California I’ve made a to-do list. Crossed everything off it. Made a goal list for 2018 and broke it into more detail. I have a couple things I’ve put on my to-do list for the weekend and I actually plan on finishing them rather than putting them off again. I’ve put in effort with friends and my love interest. And overall other than losing a little sleep, I feel alive. Life is good. 2018 has so far been good to me.
This is the time in my life I feel like I finally broke the expectations of what I really held for myself. I feel like the people I have in my life right now are proving to me that I am not only allowed to be who I am and then some, but when I let some crazy show, it isn’t the end of the world and they aren’t judging me for it. That wasn’t something I had with pretty much anyone until now.
I certainly have more room to grow within my career. And I certainly have more room to grow in general, but for the first time in my life I feel like I got this. I feel like I’m on the path that I’m supposed to be. While at times I feel totally lost and confused, it no longer feels overwhelmingly like the end of the world. It doesn’t feel like my world is always crashing around me at any moment. The urgency is gone. The expectations of what is and what could be are gone. The harshness of hurt and pain that constantly bombarded my mind is gone when I’m here. NY is a slightly different monster but that is also making progress.
I’m not one to make resolutions or buy into the New Year New Me, but allow yourself the grow and progress… allow yourself to feel, heal and move forward. A new anything is a reason in itself to become a new you. A more open you, a happier you, whatever it is that you want.
I’ve decided I want to stay in California. I want to take 1 major trip this year that lasts about a month. I want to have a substantial savings and not live paycheck to paycheck. And I’m going to continue to realize things are never going to be how I once imagined them because they aren’t meant to be that way. I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now. I’m with exactly who I’m supposed to be with right now. And I’m not afraid of falling or failing anymore. I’m not afraid because I never stop trying and if I fail, I’ll try again it’s that simple. Even when I win I keep trying, so there’s that.
Day 75: I’m letting myself be myself and I’m letting myself be happy.