Still in a very good mood, I actually find myself listening to Christmas music at work. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not flailing in self doubt or hatred and it really is a wonderful thing. I would like to use some of my time wisely to make the life I want become the life I have. Whether it be money or just enjoyment I really don’t care anymore. I’m opening up the doors of my own mindset to further explore the possibilities.
I read some articles about being bored at your job and the differences between it being you and it being the job. That is the first thing that needs to change for me – whether its me or not sometimes things just aren’t a good fit. I need to be challenged. I need to feel like I have a purpose for being here and this job doesn’t give me either of those.
The last two years have been hard for me because I lost both challenges, purpose and enjoyment as I knew them in my work and in my personal life at the same time. I’m starting to realize where the crazy stemmed from. I’m starting to realize where the insanity took over. I still want the freedom I wanted at the beginning of this challenge but I feel completely different about it. There lies the progress. I’m really not the girl that I was when I started this challenge. Nor am I the girl that I was 2 years ago when I got here. It’s been a journey and I’m grateful that things are starting to go well but I know I’m not quite there yet.
I keep writing to try to sift through my thoughts and even on days I haven’t published I wrote in my own personal journal if that’s what you want to call it. I’ve accomplished something I never thought I would in that on it’s own; I wrote a post a day for almost 30 days. I’ve never done that before. Especially not with substance in this way. I wrote about myself and my feelings. I wrote about what I wanted and while I may have said a lot I probably used more words than needed, but I digress that’s me being me. Always a critic. Always trying to be – better. Or a better word – enough. I am enough. I am not perfect but I am enough. I finally feel the truth in that statement as well.
This time I don’t want to be better I just want to be. Be happy. Be content. Be playful. Be in love. Be loving. Be free. Let it be – damn it – let it be.
With this unexpected twist I want to use it to its potential. I want to shake things up but now without the anger driven crazy, I almost don’t know what to do. They say to use emotion as a gauge of what to do. While I know I want to jump, the length I’m willing to go is slightly different. I’d love to travel for 6 months, but I’m not financially there. I’d love to have a different kind of freedom with life. Yet for the first time in almost a year, the urgency of starting my own company really isn’t in the forefront of my mind. Right now I want to write, and tell stories and draw and photograph. I woke up the creator I always thought and believed myself to be. Since I was 5, I always was drawing or crafting things. That’s what I do. I’ve become the adult that stifled their inner kid and she’s starting to burst into the world in full force. She finally stopped throwing a tantrum because she was acknowledged and now it’s time to move forward.
Taking the leap I’d love to quit this job, but I need another one. What am I missing and where do I need help? I need challenges. I need to feel useful. I need to feel like there’s a point of me even being there. I’ve had jobs that made me feel useful. I’ve had jobs that made me feel like there was a point of being there. I’ve had jobs with challenges. But never all at once. The closest that I got to that was teaching. Which ironically parallels my business idea. Maybe that is my priority. Maybe the angle needs to be different and that’s what is going to come from me. I need to seek some people out and see if I can make some shifts.
Until next time- thanks for tuning in.
Day 38: let the good times roll, and hoping for challenges and purpose on the horizon.