For those of you just joining me, I tend to be an over thinker…. one of my last articles was about passion. This time I want to talk about self discovery.
Yesterday I started a post with:
As I sit here waiting for the minutes to count down to 5:30pm I wonder what I’m doing wrong with my life.
The worst part of that is yes I am that dramatic – I’m actually laughing at myself about it now, but eh so be it.
I decided to forgo that article, but the thoughts remain the same.
Over the last six months or so I’ve challenged myself twice. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and analyzing and I feel like each time I learn a little more about who I’ve become and who I want to become, my happiness becomes something that feels like its coming back with stability. It remains a bit more intact and a lot less disturbed by the outside world, even in moments of desperation or depression.
The last few weeks have been stressful to say the least. In that time I lost a roommate, had to pay her rent and mine, gained another, signed a new lease, decided I’m moving out, got another roommate, still juggling two jobs, still having foot and ankle problems from falling on my face, trying to pack my shit, find a new place, and remind myself to have some fucking fun; the new roommate is helping with that part but I knew that he would.
I have my moments just like everyone else. I’ve dealt with depression since I was 14, maybe even before. Anxiety came along in my 20s and feeling manic joined around that time as well. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about writing a book of my experiences. But the biggest reason I don’t, is because I’d have to relive the past and the pain and I feel like I’m not far enough away from it yet, for that not to flatten any progress I’ve made thus far. That thought is starting to turn, but we’ll see.
I’ve been asking myself questions lately that push limits I’ve yet to explore and it’s been a good thing. I’m ready to explore new avenues in terms of a career that I’ve talked about but never acted upon.
This is another article I started a week or so ago and here I still sit thinking the same things and dealing with the same internal struggle. I need to let myself take care of myself and allow myself to do what I feel is necessary. I still can’t seem to grasp that concept. Even going back and reading this makes me see how much more “okay” I was then. If that doesn’t give me a gauge of you need to change then Idk what will. Clearly I hold on too long.
As I sit here on a Friday afternoon roaming the possibilities with little anxiety as my boss is in another state… I think just get through the next 12 work days. And yet, that seems like an eternity. Truth is, I made my mind up almost instantly with this and now I just have to give myself permission to do it. Whether I’m being dramatic or not, being pushed far enough for that to be an almost daily thought is not okay. I don’t really let myself do what I want until I’m pushed way too far and the damage is done.
I am a creative, intelligent, free spirited, passionate, knowledge seeking, opinionated, stubborn, Italian from NY that lives in CA. Sometimes I let that define me and other times I laugh at myself at the thought of it. I’ve been known to take things too seriously and I’ve been known to be dramatic, I know I’m not the only one out there struggling to figure out my place in this world, but sometimes you have to give yourself permission to try something you’ve never done before despite how much it might make you want to piss your pants.
I revel in the thought of skydiving or scuba diving but starting my own company and wandering into the total unknown freaks me the fuck out.
From the heights of the clouds to the depths of the ocean I’m okay because I have an idea of what I’m in for… this… this is uncharted territory.
Funny how that works isn’t it?
I’m back to where I was at the beginning of challenge 2 but I’m filled with a little more knowledge a lot more exhaustion and a new take on what direction I want to go in. Do we ever really know ourselves? Can we? We’re constantly changing from moment to moment and the more I know, the more I know I don’t know shit. But such is life. Enough introspection I guess. Time for action… time to take the risk.