Taking Some Time to Wander My Self

For those of you just joining me, I tend to be an over thinker…. one of my last articles was about passion. This time I want to talk about self discovery.

Yesterday I started a post with:
As I sit here waiting for the minutes to count down to 5:30pm I wonder what I’m doing wrong with my life.

The worst part of that is yes I am that dramatic – I’m actually laughing at myself about it now, but eh so be it.

I decided to forgo that article, but the thoughts remain the same.

Over the last six months or so I’ve challenged myself twice. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and analyzing and I feel like each time I learn a little more about who I’ve become and who I want to become, my happiness becomes something that feels like its coming back with stability. It remains a bit more intact and a lot less disturbed by the outside world, even in moments of desperation or depression.

The last few weeks have been stressful to say the least. In that time I lost a roommate, had to pay her rent and mine, gained another, signed a new lease, decided I’m moving out, got another roommate, still juggling two jobs, still having foot and ankle problems from falling on my face, trying to pack my shit, find a new place, and remind myself to have some fucking fun; the new roommate is helping with that part but I knew that he would.

I have my moments just like everyone else. I’ve dealt with depression since I was 14, maybe even before. Anxiety came along in my 20s and feeling manic joined around that time as well. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about writing a book of my experiences. But the biggest reason I don’t, is because I’d have to relive the past and the pain and I feel like I’m not far enough away from it yet, for that not to flatten any progress I’ve made thus far. That thought is starting to turn, but we’ll see.

I’ve been asking myself questions lately that push limits I’ve yet to explore and it’s been a good thing. I’m ready to explore new avenues in terms of a career that I’ve talked about but never acted upon.

This is another article I started a week or so ago and here I still sit thinking the same things and dealing with the same internal struggle. I need to let myself take care of myself and allow myself to do what I feel is necessary. I still can’t seem to grasp that concept. Even going back and reading this makes me see how much more “okay” I was then. If that doesn’t give me a gauge of you need to change then Idk what will. Clearly I hold on too long.

As I sit here on a Friday afternoon roaming the possibilities with little anxiety as my boss is in another state… I think just get through the next 12 work days. And yet, that seems like an eternity. Truth is, I made my mind up almost instantly with this and now I just have to give myself permission to do it. Whether I’m being dramatic or not, being pushed far enough for that to be an almost daily thought is not okay. I don’t really let myself do what I want until I’m pushed way too far and the damage is done.

I am a creative, intelligent, free spirited, passionate, knowledge seeking, opinionated, stubborn, Italian from NY that lives in CA. Sometimes I let that define me and other times I laugh at myself at the thought of it. I’ve been known to take things too seriously and I’ve been known to be dramatic, I know I’m not the only one out there struggling to figure out my place in this world, but sometimes you have to give yourself permission to try something you’ve never done before despite how much it might make you want to piss your pants.

I revel in the thought of skydiving or scuba diving but starting my own company and wandering into the total unknown freaks me the fuck out.

From the heights of the clouds to the depths of the ocean I’m okay because I have an idea of what I’m in for… this… this is uncharted territory.

Funny how that works isn’t it?

I’m back to where I was at the beginning of challenge 2 but I’m filled with a little more knowledge a lot more exhaustion and a new take on what direction I want to go in. Do we ever really know ourselves? Can we? We’re constantly changing from moment to moment and the more I know, the more I know I don’t know shit. But such is life. Enough introspection I guess. Time for action… time to take the risk.

Happy Friday.

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Los Angeles Chronicles: Giving it one more shot

I’ve had more than enough mental breakdowns in the last week and I’m really ready to uproot my life again. I’ve done a few challenges with myself and I think I need to just take a break for now. Maybe I’ll write and just throw some stories out there.

I’ve been in a tailspin and I’m typically way more creative from that point so we’ll see what comes of it. I

I’m trying to be okay, but I’m not. I’m not okay.  I haven’t been in a long time. Despite trying and faking it and trying to make it work. I’ve been happier than I have in a very long time in the last 6 months, but I’ve also been ping ponging off the walls if you will. I had hoped I had put a lot of this behind me but the struggles seem to keep coming my way.

I’m making some changes and decided to move in the next month because my environment needs a shift. I’m just moving within LA, but I need to try something before I reinvent the wheel entirely. Giving it one last go and hoping it all works out.

If this next year doesn’t involve some major changes, life is going to hold many many a change for me. I think if LA doesn’t work a transatlantic shift is occurring. Come hell or high water something needs to work.

I’m hopeful that this works. I’m hopeful that this is going to mark another new chapter for me because I can’t keep hanging out in between books of life… I need to make a whole new book. It’s time to truly leave the last few years here behind.

Tomorrow is a new day, I am hoping to keep treating each day as a new day. I need to infuse some more pleasure and fun into my life despite not being able to walk well at the moment. I need an infusion of joy and excitement. Maybe I’m trying too hard, but something has to give man… right?

Fuck I hope so.

Day 60: I kinda stopped keeping track

Life is funny sometimes. It has a way of kicking you in the ass when you need it most and when you need it least. In the last month, I started a new job, kept the old one too, had a new roommate move in and out, in the midst of searching for a new one, going to physical therapy because of my ankle and foot getting worse after 7 weeks… not knowing if I’ll have the money to make the rent if we don’t find a 3rd person…. not knowing if I’ll be staying in this apartment after next week if we don’t find another person… not knowing  if I even want to…

To say my stress levels have been through the roof is an understatement. I’ve let this last challenge die down because I had more important things to do… And as I write that I realize the accountability to myself is where I lost it all. Having a doctor’s note for this week to get out of work is honestly more than I could have hoped for. Not knowing what comes next or knowing that the things I’ve most recently chose aren’t really what I want or need right now, are seriously getting to me. I was about to be in the best possible spot when it came to money. I was going to have two months of money in one month because of the fact that I kept the other job as a contract. I figured while I heal and recover from the foot/ankle injury I can rack up some savings and get myself to a place I’ve wanted to be for too long. Suffice it to say, now apparently isn’t that time.

I’ve noticed how much attention I haven’t been paying to my own needs lately. Some of it is because I haven’t really been able to go anywhere. Some of it is because I don’t really have friends in this area that consistently do things, but everyone I talk to in LA lives like that so who knows… The more I try to want this and let myself fantasize about having it…. the more I feel like I’m trying too hard for something that isn’t meant to be.

I was asked the other day if I would leave both of these jobs and chase something more passiony. But in terms of jobs I have no idea what that would even be anymore. I’ve successfully taken all of the pleasure out of my own life. Some of which has been for the better. And some of which has only hurt me more. So to say I even know what the hell to do next at this point is probably not something I should be answering… or maybe its exactly what I should be answering. Again funny how that line blurs.

I kept insisting that since I’ve left NY that I’ve become more a person I wanted to be. And that isn’t untrue, but it isn’t entirely true anymore. I don’t dislike who I am right now…. but I also don’t know who I am anymore. All of this is uncharted. I don’t have a friend group. I’ve been consistently alone for far too long. I’ve tried jobs and have been making progress somewhat in a career, but I feel like the word progress is only laughing at me now.

I’ve been able to talk myself down from an existential crisis more than once in the last month. But I had one the other day and that one went unchecked. I’m still feeling the fallout from it. I’ve been more honest about my feelings now than I ever have in my life and yet I feel like I’m not even paying attention to myself anymore. And when I don’t have anyone else consistently around… that’s more than a problem… loneliness is way more apparent in my world right now.

I’m not looking to define myself or push myself into a box. I’m not trying to restrict myself on anything. Down to the point where I just want to let myself have a little freedom regardless of what it is…. but now that feels like I’m lacking goals. I still can’t really walk or drive, I’m in pain daily, and I spent the majority of my time alone. My life right now is the opposite of what I want. I think it has been for a long time. And trying to figure out when, doesn’t matter from this point because going “back” couldn’t be further from a possibility. At least not in the way I think going back works.

I’m spiraling again and I feel like I do this more now than I ever have. I feel like I’m taking more chances and finding things really don’t work faster now than I ever have. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to get in my car and drive until I can’t anymore. I want to see where life takes me and be open to any of its possibilities. I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from everything and I want to never look back. I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be in this situation in any way but I am and I don’t know what to do about it.

Why do I feel like my days are numbered here? Why do I want them to be? I could fix all of this by throwing money at it and in the long run who knows that might be better. But honestly I don’t want that. The thought of staying here another year, despite me telling myself that is what I’m going to do, makes me want to kick myself in the ass. I feel more lost now than I ever have, except now, I don’t blame myself for not taking the risks or giving something new a try. Now I don’t cope like I used to in both good and bad ways.

Now, I ask myself what the fuck are you doing more than ten times a day. What the fuck is the point of all of this if experiences and enjoyment aren’t the outcome? I can’t fucking play by these rules anymore. I never could but I keep making myself try. Why do I think the status quo is going to work when it never has?! Maybe I just don’t know what else to do, maybe I’m afraid, maybe a combination of both, but I know I can’t stay where I am right this second because it is not okay anymore.

 

Day 21: I have no idea what I’m doing

So I clearly have no idea what I’m doing, but then again in the game of life who really does?

I’ve applied to a bunch of new jobs in hopes of moving up, but I can’t help think about going back to NY. For the first time I’m admitting I’m afraid of getting what I want and I’m admitting this in ways I never knew existed until last night. After a conversation with an older cousin (she’s 70 and like the cool aunt in new and mysterious ways) I realized that I’m fucking scared of the things I say I want.

I’m afraid of having a relationship because I’ve been badly burned in the past. I’m afraid of really loving someone again because it’s wrecked me in ways that have resulted in me having to rebuild myself from scratch. I’m afraid of getting another job because all the ones I’ve had are stupid and I never seem to make enough money to actually live in any way other than paycheck to paycheck. I’m afraid of having complete freedom because I might just want to lay in bed for weeks at a time because I can.  I’m afraid of having and really pulling off my own business because I’m not ready to work that hard for something that might fail. All of these things are fear based. And all of them are irrational despite any truth.

I’ve failed before. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve dealt with life and death and a lot of things in between. I’ve dealt with anxiety, depression, mania, not knowing how I’m going to pay to live in my apartment anymore and having to go back to a life that was once killing me. And I’ve fucking survived to the point where I’m better overall than I ever fucking was. Sorry my angry NYer is showing.

We all have our demons. I know that my demon is in fact myself. It exists within and is only played with because of my own mind and the actions of others outside me. Always ready to react and not to take shit from anyone, but the people that are giving me the shit have no idea that they’re doing it. Suddenly the way we live doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Not at all.

I’ve made arguments in the past that society doesn’t make sense, but seriously man this couldn’t be more true in my world than it is right now. The idea of getting in my car and driving back across the country and staying in NY for a month doesn’t freak me out. The idea of stopping in places to see people and to actually live whether in hotels or in their houses or even sleeping in my car if that’s what it takes – is something I’m willing to do. But I’m not willing to stay here and deal with living paycheck to paycheck in hopes of making it by. I need to be thrown a bone that is only going to hit me in the face at full force and knock some sense into my world that has been somewhat lackluster.

And bam — that lightbulb goes on. I’m more willing to have the exact opposite of settling down and making a live in a city, to potentially own a home and have a relationship that might turn into marriage because it actually scares me and lights me up more to travel the world and for some reason I want to scare the shit out of myself. The answer to “what do you want” can no longer be responded to with “not this.” Not this is no longer enough. I don’t want the life I have. I really don’t. I want the idea of the life I have, not the actuality. I want the idea of the life in NY not the actuality. My expectations are not aligned with reality, but the things I want aren’t supposed to be things that are that fucking hard to achieve.

Like I said yesterday… I want a level of fitness I’ve yet to achieve and a body I can actually feel comfortable in. I want a business of my own. I want money to burn/ a savings of sorts, so that I’m not worried about buying myself dinner in a restaurant tonight. And I want to be able to travel to one place a year that doesn’t involve staying with my parents.

I’ve lived life in a lot of different ways, but I’m no longer willing to just go through the motions. I’m no longer willing to put up with a job that I can’t stand that doesn’t pay me enough money. I’m no longer willing to not have a social life because I don’t have the extra $10 to pay to park on top of whatever other hoop LA makes me jump through. I’m no longer willing to sit back and wait for things to happen that I say that I want to have “when I’m ready.”

I’m ready to have the life I want. I’m not scared anymore. I’m ready to be better at this and I’m ready to try harder to make it so.

I keep reinventing the wheel when feelings of inadequacy and stagnance become the lights leading the way home. This life seems to be a land where fun is not in sight and money is hiding too. And that can’t be my life anymore. I refuse to let it be.

I am ready for change. I am ready to change. I am ready to get the things that I want. I am ready to commit to my next leap. I said it the other day – faith wasn’t always something I’ve been friends with, but I took a leap of faith once and it paid off in ways I didn’t yet understand. It’s time to take another leap and have faith that it will help and change things in ways I don’t quite yet understand. And it’s time to take hold of the things that I say that I want because I can’t be afraid anymore.

The truth is – I have been standing in my own way. But I never knew it was because I was afraid to get what I wanted. I refuse to be afraid anymore. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to live the life I want. I’m ready to make changes in my world to do so. It’s time.

Day 21: always figuring out myself, but finally woken up. Day 22: getting clear on the next steps.

Day 20: forging a new beginning but being haunted by the past

Well it took me a few days, but I did it. I got back in the game and I’ve made progress I didn’t know was there to make. And for that – I am grateful. And of course there’s a but in here.. because I’ve been having thoughts and dreams over the last week that keep bringing up my past world…

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer to the point where if I don’t let a dream finish, then I end up feeling the emotions I was playing out in my head throughout the entire day. It’s kinda weird but it is what it is. I have been able to manipulate dreams and I’ve even had dreams come true in the past. I typically remember my dreams, but unless it involves something strange or someone out of the ordinary I don’t give it much thought. That being said.. lately I’ve been dreaming of the life I had about 6 years ago.

My biggest issue is and always has been, how do you move forward when you seemingly have one foot in the past?

Last week marked 2 years of me being in Los Angeles and I do love it here but I consistently get to “what’s the point” more often than I’d like. I’m making more money than I’ve ever made and I’ve had jobs in the field that I’ve wanted to be in since college. I’ve accomplished things I’ve always wanted to do, and I’ve stopped being someone I never wanted to become…yet for some reason it’s not enough. The funny things about dreams when you’re awake are the facts that once you get the things you want you’re on to the next one. The dreams you have when you’re asleep usually mark things in a different way (at least for me).

In an ideal world I’d buy a house here, travel to a handful of places and use this as a home base. I’d eventually get married and raise children and not worry about seasonal depression with 6+ months of snow and gloom because hell this is Southern California. But the median cost of a house is $600,000, rent is $1000 per month and ever increasing in an apartment I share. And my boss is making me take on the person he let go of’s job because he doesn’t want to pay him anymore. So I get more things to do but no pay. A lot of this is how I came to the conclusion that I want my own company. The issue becomes how do I stop the past from shaping my new chapter? How I do I keep the past behind me when there are so many ridiculous “knowns” in my head right now.

How do I continue “business as usual” when I know it isn’t really working?

I’ve talked about reinventing the wheel. And it made me think back to my first challenge of wanting to travel the world and actually feel like I’m living. Which I still want to do. I want to do it a million times over. Yet, I’m  not quite ready to leave LA because I’m still holding on to the dream I took when I decided to leave NY. I had to deal with potentially leaving this behind all summer last year and I got to keep it. So letting it go now seems stupid to say the least. It’s times like these where I look at myself and seriously look at myself and say what the fuck are you doing?! Why are you doing this again? Why are you doing this to yourself again?! What is it that you really want?!

And there it is. The kicker… I changed my life for the better, yes. I’ve changed myself for the better, yes. I’m better off financially than I ever have been, yes. BUT and this is a huge BUT…. I still have nothing I want. I’m not at the weight I want to be or the level of fitness. I’m not in a career I want to have I just keep getting jobs. I’m not at a place where I can spend money without guilting myself about it later. I’m not in a place to have a home. I’m not in a relationship in which the person I am with is who I’ll marry. I’ve not been on a vacation in 2 years that didn’t involve going back to visit my parents — aka not a vacation. So maybe that’s my problem again.

Too many things in your life today are the same things that have been ruling your past. Inadequacy. Being stuck. Not feeling alive. Being over emotional. Not being where you want in any facet of your life.

Maybe this new beginning is exactly what you need. Maybe it’s time to focus on one goal and one thing that will change you and your world exponentially. I have a second interview for a new job Tuesday. I’m working with a business coach to gain extra money. I’m not able to walk at the moment because of my ankle but when I can I want to start really taking care of my body. I want to start my day as if on purpose rather than hitting the snooze button.

I guess in reality despite telling myself I want to start over… what I really want is to start over. An admission I never realized until right now. I want to say this time is going to be different and mean it. Because it has to be. I owe it to me for this time to be different. My new dream is accomplishing one of the four things in my life that I say I want, but still have yet to get.

1: business
2: body /fitness
3: money to burn
4: one trip per year that doesn’t involve going to my parents’ house.

Day 20: crafting my new beginning is in play. Day 21: doing something about it.

Day 18: Never an Expert, Always a Student

I’ve noticed that anytime I go to reinvent the wheel that is my life… I always go back to “school.” I go to learning everything I can get my hands on in hopes of making an informed decision. I write and self talk until I can’t anymore and then I try to reach out to the couple of friends I know won’t judge me for the fact that I want to make some kind of “jump” again and need help finding direction.

Whether it be a job, a location, a vocation or relationship, I can’t typically keep my mouth shut. And the ones who know me well enough know that I’ll consider their opinions, but the tricky thing about advice is I’m the one who has to live with the consequences, so I’m going to decide whether or not I take it. Sorry for the run on, but I think it makes a point.

That being said… I reached out to a new friend today and I actually got a perspective I didn’t expect, but really fucking appreciate. Someone literally put the words I rambled out to the point of  getting so many thoughts out of my head that I couldn’t spew anything else out – into a spreadsheet. And as much as the spreadsheet put things into perspective, what came out of it was something I definitely needed to hear and yet I was the one who was saying it. So here goes it’s pretty off topic, but it proves a point….

Do you think we’re normal?
Do you think you’re mediocre?
Average?
Status quo?
I don’t mean that people think this about themselves, but I’m trying to make a point…
we’re not normal.
Nor are we typical.. we’re too much.
We’re too much in the “I will give you the world if you let me” kind of way. We’re above average in a world that constantly wants the status quo. We don’t fit… we can try and it happens from time to time. But it doesn’t last because until someone either accepts us or isn’t intimidated by it they can’t “take too much.”
You’re attractive… you can go out and get laid any time you want. I’ve done it too. Playing the game isn’t hard and people are super easy. We’re looking for normal, but normal to us isn’t the same. We aren’t most people. We give everyone everything we have because that’s the only way we know how to be. We save people. From themselves. From the world.
And we hope that the ones we get attached to see it and hand it back. But most people… most people don’t know how.
They don’t even understand what the fuck it is.
To love someone so hard… to really love someone at all you put yourself in a position to be ruined in ways you never thought capable. Love in its own existence is not normal.
We’re all so conditioned to want things and live up to those expectations, but look at yourself.. when have you ever really followed the rules?
But I don’t think you should stop expecting the world out of people who don’t know how to give it because someday someone will surprise you. I just think you need to realize that it’s okay – it doesn’t make it feel better, but it’s okay. And it isn’t your fault. And it isn’t their fault. But for whatever reason it was supposed to happen.
We don’t ever know the true reasons things happen, but there is no such thing as coincidence.
Take me for instance… I was never someone who had much faith. I grew up Catholic and guilt came more easily than anything else. To me religion and its origins are something to learn about but not to believe in. The energies of the world and the faith that things will work out if you’re being true to yourself make sense to me. I don’t doubt anyone else’s beliefs, but this is more my opinion for me personally.
It wasn’t until I moved here that I started doing all the froo froo things I once laughed at
but I’m open to things and willing to give things a chance. If they work for me, then I don’t care what anyone else thinks. This is my life and my world.
But the ability to see someone and to really let them in despite the fact that they can’t themselves is faith in yourself and your abilities to do what you think is right.
I’ve done almost everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life thus far. There are places I’d like to travel and I would like to get married and I would like to have my own company.
It’s not time for all of those yet and that’s okay, I have faith that they’ll happen. But I keep trying to get there.
I don’t believe things just work out. I believe they work out when you work for them, but not to the point of inner turmoil because then you’re tipping the axis. But you find value in the things you do and the person you are.
Despite me wishing I were someone else, it’s more because I know I’m not normal and sometimes I just wish I knew what it felt like to fit in, but I don’t. I’ve always danced to my own drum. And I’ve always given too much. I’ve always felt too much. I’ve always seen too much. I’ve always gotten too many people’s life stories because they can’t help themselves.
I don’t look at the world and see it working. I see that it needs help and to be changed and that we’re standing in the way of ourselves… But I have no idea how to fix it because I’ve been so conditioned to think I’m the one that needs to be fixed.
But that’s exactly why we’re here; to fix the problem, not ourselves. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else and as out there as some of this sounds I think its easy enough to get….
To those out there trying to do something outside of their norm… to those our there that aren’t normal or don’t fit in… to those who have always danced to their own drum… it is more than okay. Standing out and doing something that you’ve never done is hard no matter who you are. Doing something most people don’t do is even harder. So if and when you’re picking on yourself – stop it. If and when you’re doubting yourself – take a deep breath and realize you’re being semi irrational. If you tell yourself you can’t do it then you’re probably right.
I’ve reinvented the wheel more times than I can count. I’ve done so many in things in my life thus far and I have no idea what comes next, but I know next is coming. I can and have done extraordinary things, yet I look at myself and don’t see it most of the time. I am trying to do something that no one I know has ever done. I have already done a few things that no one in my close circle has ever done.
So when things aren’t working out and you’re feeling stuck, unwanted, blah, unloved or mediocre… find a way to believe in yourself. A way to believe that you can do it. That you have taken a risk before and it paid off. That you can take a risk now even though you’ve never done it. That despite what others think or make you feel, it isn’t your truth. Have faith in yourself and your ability to know you best. Sometimes you need a friend and that’s okay. Sometimes you flail and fail and fall on your face like I did the other day. Sometimes no one is there to catch you but sometimes you have someone there to help pick you back up. Take a minute and learn something about yourself today. Learn why you do some of the things you do. Learn your patterns and the mistakes you keep making. And know that despite being the one that knows you best, you’re not an expert on you, you’re always going to be a student, because there’s always something else to learn.
Day 18: healing from the past. Day 19: forging new beginnings.

 

Day 16: failing my challenge, but not entirely

This time around, the challenge I set forth for myself has not really been happening. About a month ago I hurt my back and was going through the motions of forcing myself to sit at a job I hated. I decided then was the time to really focus on starting something else for myself. I had already committed to a business coach and someone to help me plan the early stages of what I wanted, but that wasn’t quite going in the way I had expected. So I took it upon myself and decided to do this again.

It was Monday of last week that I literally tripped and fell on my face.

I was working from home because of my back, after fighting with my boss after multiple doctor’s visits and notes saying I need to rest… I was walking to the kitchen to bring back the dish I had eaten breakfast on… I rolled my ankle, threw the dish I was carrying into the air, fell on my face, watched the plate shatter and continued to lay there thinking I had just broken something (I heard multiple and felt multiple pops on the way down).

I was laying on the floor face down in pain trying to take deep breaths to calm myself and I actually did better than I thought. Whether it was the fact that I had just finished watching the Sopranos 6th season the night before and Tony walked away from a car crash and I was feeling tough enough to be all “hey he got up and was fine”… or because I watched the guy online show how to control yourself and pull yourself out of the ice after falling through with breathing techniques… in less than five minutes I managed to pull myself together and crawl back and onto my bed. Ironically enough despite totally beefing it the only thing that was hurt was my right ankle/foot.

I did some substantial damage, but should be fine in the next few weeks. They gave me crutches, pain meds and a foot wrap thing and here I sit finally breathing what feels like the free air for the time being. I have been working from home but the apparent lack of fit that this job has in my world couldn’t be more real. I’ve been using my time to apply for other things. Tried to take control over my business coaching and asking him to set forth a strategy for us both so that I get the best results for the money I’ve paid, as I don’t fit the typical mold and don’t need to be taught how to use a computer.

But ironically, I think the best thing in my life could have been me falling on my face last week. It’s given me perspective. It’s given me a chance to breathe again and really take the time for myself to just be. It’s given me time alone and to be with my thoughts and see what changes I need to make. On top of actually getting paid and not having to worry about finances. Don’t get me wrong I dread the day I have to walk back into that office, but for right now, I am 1,000,000x better than I had become.

Sometimes we fight so hard to be exactly where we want. Sometimes we don’t stop to smell the roses and sometimes we need to realize that we’re taking the pleasure out of our own lives and existence. Sometimes surrendering to the flow of things is exactly what we need to do. And failure has it’s way of helping success that we didn’t expect.

As a kid I thought adults had things figured out, but life couldn’t be more of a personal problem than it is. Forging your own way in a world that tells you that you “have to” be anything is hard. But knowing your truth and your abilities to seek your own happiness and create your own world, is a beautiful thing. Expectations are a bitch. And being so hellbent and driven on a goal only fuels the fires. But sometimes it takes falling on your face, literally or figuratively to figure out you’re not where you want to be yet, but you’re exactly where you need to be and you’re always one choice away from a different life at any moment. Seize whatever opportunity calls you and see if you can make it great for yourself. Because only you can make your world wonderful. No one else can do it for you.

Day 9-16: recovering from a fall. Day 17 getting back in the game.