Rewriting Love: 5 minutes ago

For those of you following allow, this is chapter 8 in my “book.” This was one chapter I had yet to write, so I’m doing it now.

If I had a dollar for every time I wrote about love…Where to start. Love is a necessary evil. A villain and a hero. It is the best of the best but it can strike us down where we stand. Love is a power struggle. An irreverent battle that can never really be won. Or at least sometimes it feels that way. Having to believe that LOVE in its entirety is the sole topic that has been written about the most in human history I still have to take my own approach. Here goes.

I’ve been in love twice in my life and neither one was anything like I expected. Both had their very good and very bad moments. Both had moments of sheer elation and sheer devastation. To me, love encompasses everything we know this world to be. It is an exchange of energy for another soul – human being – that you can’t quite explain, for the emotion of it all takes logic completely out of the picture.

The first time I fell in love, I was so stuck on my feelings of what you gave me and the way you treated me that you were my favorite person in the world. And like everything else in my life, you never stayed. Granted that wasn’t either of our faults – we were kids and we went where our parents took us. Which ironically is probably the only reason we ever ended up where we did later in life. You were the one that got away, yet you were the one who came back. The one that just let me be when no one else even cared to stand with me. You chose me time after time and I never once understood why. We needed each other in the chaos, yet we were so consistently inconsistent neither one of us knew how to stay. We declared our love in the most unconventional way as that was how we knew how to be; now looking back it fits “us” to a tee. We spent most of the last ten years sleeping together and always constantly going back to each other and never taking it any further. Crazy fly by night whirlwind of emotions that neither one of us could ever admit and when we did everything went to hell. Never truly belonging to the other yet still knowing how to be vulnerable and still knowing what it feels to be safe within the madness. We provided for each other something I don’t think either of us really made sense of – ever. You were the one I could be innocent and safe with. The one that let me be all kinds of me with and knew with a look on my face what I was going to do next. Feeling like we never really knew each other in daily lives because one of us was always leaving, we knew at the core of our existence who the other was and that was enough. You were my first love and you were meant to be. It really is that simple.

I think I loved you from the moment I really met you: my second love. You saw me when I thought I was invisible. A connection, a passion and a lust I had yet to ever realize could exist. So toxic, so raw, so fantastical. Another never knowing where I stand grey area sort of romance, I don’t think either of us expected to end up where we did. Never knowing where the other would be yet finding each other anyways. Both of us not knowing what we had really gotten into, we flew by the seat of our pants and let things happen as they may. Soon enough we were hanging out 3 or 4 days a week. Going out, partying, eating, drinking, exploring, having fun, learning about each other, sharing secrets, sharing ourselves, we didn’t really have any limits. Little did either of us know that we wouldn’t spend more than 3 weeks apart in a 5 year period. Little did we know that those we once considered best friends were now second to each other. That despite not having labels or actually being in a relationship “together,” we were attached. We needed and yearned to be close and I don’t think either of us really understood or cared to know why. I knew how I felt about you, but I also knew you. I knew “trapping” you wasn’t going to work and making you do something you didn’t want wasn’t going to work either. The last thing I wanted to do was change you because you were who I loved. I loved the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, I was all in. I was invested. And to a certain point so were you. After about a year of this you told me you loved me. You told me there was no one like me. We went on for years hanging out and living adventures. Keeping a balance for each other so the other didn’t fly too far off the hinges. So much better together than we ever were apart. Constantly making each other crazy, but always in need of that presence. As time passed the more people noticed. Always together, always around, could always find each other in a crowd. But sure enough it didn’t last. I revealed my truth. My feelings. And you couldn’t. Always together but never really knowing where we stood. Always unyielding to the other, always struggling for control. We broke what we had and who we were in every way possible. Even after we broke it we still yearned for the togetherness that would  never exist as it once had. Now strangers to each other those two people existed a lifetime ago. But the memories and the loves of our lives never really leave us. Not really.

Present day: the time I’m currently working on the relationship I have with myself. This is the time of my relationship I have with my love of knowledge and pursuit of passions within. I was once told by a psychic that two men from my past would come back into my life, both would ask me to marry them and I would have to choose. If those two men are loves 1 & 2… then I choose me. I’ve gone through the trials and tribulations of a relationship without actually being allowed to be in one. Or at least in a defined one. And maybe that’s my fault for allowing it but maybe it isn’t because I loved two guys that have yet to love anyone the way we loved each other. That may be me fantasizing again but it’s how I feel. Love is everything in life and a lot of it starts with where you care for yourself.

From loving yourself to loving others you have to find where you fall before completely losing yourself in the abyss that can exist when a love is unrequited or no longer exchanged. Finding what you want from life achieving happiness through love can only be something achieved when you have a good enough relationship with yourself because when you’re being vulnerable with yourself and truthful with yourself you can admit the wants and needs you have and work at them. Whether that may or may not be the best thing to do in certain situations is for you to decide. Extending yourself or your hand to be able to love someone comes with great responsibility. The more of yourself you give, the more you have to lose. That’s why they call it a heart – break. When you break a dish and you glue it back together there are still cracks. You have to fill the cracks and the missing pieces to become whole again and sometimes that takes time and sometimes we never truly fill the cracks; at least not in ways we might expect.

For how does one define love? Is it a state? Is it a feeling? Is it more than that? A friend of mine defined love as “caring about someone so deeply it’s almost more about them than yourself.” That lead me to ask – is love an act? Act of kindness, act of faith? If love were a person what would they look like? Do they have ten fingers/toes.. are they bruised and broken? Are they whole? How would they act? What would they do? Are they the best looking person you’ve ever seen or is it different? Is it a level of perfection that just can’t be explained? What about love as a concept vs to love as a verb? Love to me isn’t love to you… the way you think and define it isn’t the same for me. They may be similar, but what makes you recognize it when its there? It’s a lot to think about, but love seems to be the effort you unknowingly give to someone else… Just as we can all love people, we can all love places, activities, things, the list goes on… sometimes we need to give love to ourselves.

Without love where does the world go? Without love – passionate, unrequited, reciprocated or otherwise, will we ever stop agonizing over it love – what comes next? Should we stop? Or should we open the door to those who need it most and try to figure out why? Where is the love?


Epic Adventuring

Has anyone else ever noticed that with any great adventure story they generally last about a year? I mean Harry Potter being an obvious – no to this…think about it. The overall adventure is 7 years, but each adventure within itself lasts for a year’s time. The Lord of the Rings also lasts about a years time. It happens over the course of many many ages and yet the culmination of it all is over in a year. The same with the Odyssey. The overall story takes place over 10 years, but the culmination of the events within the story could have easily happened within a year’s time. As this year is coming upon it’s end I thought I would take some time to reflect on the timing of a year and how it relates to life.

So much can happen in a year and yet nothing at the same time. As each year passes you can honestly say that things aren’t as they were at this time last year. You could’ve made life changing decisions or been content to stay where you are, but either way things around you have changed. The problem becomes like these epic adventure stories – things change at the drop of the hat at any given moment. Clearly things are sped up for entertainment and attention span purposes but honestly – think back on the last year of your life. You may have the same job, you probably have a slightly different salary. You may hang out with similar people but are those people dating others, having children or getting married? You may have gone back to school, you may have finished school. You may have moved back in with your parents because you ran out of money or moved because you decided you needed to make some changes in your life. You may have done nothing to change your situation, yet nothing stopped everything else from changing around you. And no matter what there is no going back. You can’t go back to how things were before even if you never changed things on your own. Another story now comes to mind – Rent. 525,600 minutes – how do you measure a year? That’s the point isn’t it?

Everything you do is in an effort to get something you want, to be happy or pursue happiness. Life has so much to offer and yet most people are content without ever leaving their own backyards. Age is a huge factor in how you measure a year. I was out with my dad today and I realized something that I never really thought about before. My dad lives in a very small little world that he is content with and will never think of leaving. Trying new things at his point in life isn’t what he wants to do and the same can be said for my mom. That’s the huge difference between them and myself. I want to see the world, the world is my backyard. I want to learn what I can and experience everything in my power to experience. It also brings thoughts to mind in terms of when they grew up and when I did. They lived a life that once they were a certain age it was an expectation to have a marriage and a family. The same can be said for my grandparents. People were getting married right out of high school and that was normal. Now people right out of high school are barely prepared to wipe their own asses let alone take care of themselves and actually know what it means. I blame society for that, but that’s again another story.

At this point in my life I have two Bachelor degrees. I worked a job I couldn’t stand for a few years and watched my life become nothing I ever wanted it to be. I made some changes in the last year and at the turn of the tide and a week before the new year’s dawning I stand no where closer to my own “epic adventure” or achieving my own happiness. This is obviously different for everyone. I’ve seen more than six different countries and experienced more than half of the states, yet I don’t know what I want or how to get it. I know that I’m in a ton of debt and that anchors me to the shore of reality. I made my choices and I have to live with them, again another story. Is it one year the makes an epic adventure or is it the culmination of events that can represent a years time that you have to look forward to? Obviously not everything in life is good. And if you’re a believer of the saying everything happens for a reason then good luck to you. I can believe that saying to an extent but after a certain point – what’s the point. If you want a marriage and a family, finding it isn’t that simple. If you want a job with a salary that actually pays you for what you’re worth, not that easy. Nothing in life is a cake walk but where does the difference between hard and unbearable begin? I’ve made some major changes in my life in the last year. I don’t want to go back to where I was and I can’t. And yet at the same time I’m no closer to having a life I desire than I was before. I’m someone that has always done what they wanted in life or has found a way. I don’t mean to sound cocky but I am not most people. I have my faults and I don’t believe that I’m someone that’s all that special but I am not most people. And from my experience life is harder because of it.

You read these stories and consider the imaginations of these writers and know that they are amazing. It isn’t the quality or the way in which things are written that allow for greatness. The stories and characters are what make you go back for more. The fact that these other worlds exist because of the creation in someone’s head transferred to paper is epic within itself. The appreciation for art and the written word is not what it used to be. Harry Potter may be an epic story but it is not Shakespeare, it is not Tolkein. That doesn’t make it any less worthy but it can’t compete in the same way. The story, the quest, the adventure is the point in all of these stories. But the question in the beginning still remains, how do you make your own life epic? Is it by doing anything you’ve ever wanted to do? Is it by sharing it with someone else? Is it by exploring the world? By learning everything you’ve ever wanted to know? It is not the ending that’s the point – the adventure is the point. What makes it all worth it and how do you find it? Does the world allow for such epic adventures to even take place? The world used to be a much smaller place. Explorers expanded and yet the world was still a much smaller place. People leave and change their lives at the drop of a hat in an attempt to find what they seek, but what happens when you still can’t find it? Do you stick it out where you are or do you change it again? If you’re always on the move is that what you really want – the freedom? Or is there something else? When do you stop and smell the roses and when do you keep powering on to greener pastures? How do you know and when do you just let things happen instead of continuously looking and trying?