Day 37: I’m all shook up, riding the waves of life

Blindsided by a twist of fate, my world has been shaken hard and in the best possible way. I wrote multiple posts about gratitude last week that I didn’t publish. With the events of one quick but everlasting night, I can honestly say grateful is a word I never expected to say, feel or mean in this way. But – I’m there. I’m grateful for this one singular night of my life. Yeah one night – because it changed everything. Yes, I’m being dramatic, but that’s how it feels.

With the entering of one person >stage right< my scene has been altered. You really never know the effect one person, one night, one moment in time can change everything you ever thought about yourself and then some. Whether this be a fantasy or not, I’m taking it as something that has made me feel alive in a way I’ve never felt before. I’m taking this as the new beginning of a dawn I’d never thought would be that beautiful or powerful. Or even on a long shot come into view in my world.

I’m still thinking of what comes next. But I’m so much more at ease with myself. With my life. With the way that things are going. Calmed down is an understatement of the utmost variety. I showed myself to someone in almost every way possible and they not only accepted me, they treated me like a queen. All the experiences and thoughts I once had about my own worth and value – gone. All the doubt I felt, all the self hatred I was harboring – gone. Blindsided is seriously an understatement and I almost can’t express enough of my love for this moment, but it’s there. I’m sitting at my desk at work trying not to jump out of my skin in happiness and excitement for the sheer existence of this day. I’ve been like this for the last week because honestly this just keeps getting better. Whether the fantasy is all in my head or the shift has begun I’m honestly stupidly incandescently happy and I can’t wipe this shit eating grin off my face.

I wrote last week that I wasn’t grateful for things like having a job, or just being able to get by. I fell into the void of the internet in search of articles and direction and I realized that forcing it makes me freak out even more. Faking it makes me angry and annoyed. I wrote a post about it but did not yet have a conclusion. After annoying myself to no end I tried the opposite. I wrote a post on trying to do things differently in general.

I wrote of being more real with myself and letting things happen as they may. Taking one step at a time and seeing where I get. I didn’t publish either because neither of them felt entirely right. Sick of complaining because I didn’t have it that bad but I was not grateful nor thankful for where my life had ended up in any way shape or form. I’ve been in a hating on everything mode because I’ve been pushing so hard to just keep afloat I drowned in the ocean because I was thrashing against the waves. The same day I failed to publish those posts. The same day I just said screw it – paradigm shift.

Either the stars aligned or the universe is fucking with me, but I can honestly say I’m exactly where I need to be right now. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in life. I’m more alive than I’ve ever felt. I haven’t felt like myself in so long, but this is it. I look in the mirror and I see me. I see a happy me. A lighter me. One who isn’t carrying the weight of the world. One who has no idea what comes next but is excited to find out. One who isn’t so hellbent on having, being and doing right now, because I finally got something I’ve needed my entire life. I found value. Someone had to point it out to me and reinforce it for the last week but within the first day, the shift occurred. Whether this person stays in my life or not doesn’t matter. They woke me up. They gave me something I never had and I never knew existed. They showed me what a man actually is and we connected on a level so real I’m not afraid of letting myself be anything anymore and it’s wonderful. I haven’t had this mental freedom or stability when it comes to good, ever. I’ve never felt like that with another human ever, but this was it.

For those thinking I’m allowing someone else to dictate my feelings, think again. When you show someone yourself in their rawest most crazy and ridiculous form (in your own opinion) and they show love in a way you never could for yourself, it proves to you that everything really is possible. Everything is doable. Only you stand in your own way and the world either conspires with you or against you based on your position in it. It makes you re-evaluate yourself and your own tendencies. When someone shows you love when you don’t believe yourself to be lovable – world shaken.

It makes me think back to the beginning of this challenge trying to figure out another way to run. Another way to exist because the hatred and the struggle had reigned. The struggle is still happening but the weight of it isn’t as hard to bear anymore. The strength within is not only there, but it’s ignited. I’m ignited. The things I’ve been looking for for as long as I can remember are now present in my world. I’m not letting them go. This time is different because I’m different. This time is going to continue to be different because it has no other choice. There’s no going back and for once I really have no desire to. This is the progress I’ve been talking about this whole time. Except now I actually feel like I’ve made progress. Now is the time I actually feel like I’ve gotten somewhere. I had to catch up to myself, but I needed a little help. I got it in spades. It hit me like a macktruck and I’m absolutely glad it did. Bring on the next wave I’m not going anywhere.

Day 32-37: I can legitimately say I’m grateful for being exactly where I am right now and it feels amazing.

 

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Day 29: I can while away the hours

I swear I need to put my brain on a leash. If thoughts and brainwaves burned calories or got you in shape I’d be a marathon runner…that being said, I’m still reeling in excitement about my latest idea. Sitting at work waiting for the time to pass; I find Google to be my best friend and my worst enemy. The answers are out there in every capacity. Every side has proof. These are things I’ve said far too many times, yet it doesn’t stop me from diving into the void.

I’m trying to not freak out about any of this and clearly that isn’t possible. But to say I’m afraid of making any kind of major move is an understatement. I do however think something has to be done. I keep thinking about timing and was thinking about leaving when my lease is up in April… but I’m not going to be able to last that long in this position. Not with the daily boredom and crazy that is my inner conscious mind. I need something to change and I need it do so quickly. I almost want to see if I can make something happen by Christmas, when I’m supposed to be in NY anyway. Hustle I guess? Idk. 6 months of making the money I’m making now and not paying $1000 in rent, gives me $12,000 saved. Halfway to a down payment on a house. That’s a huge deal. To me at least.

I’m starting to see the things I want from a different perspective and see how I can potentially get them all. Trade offs. Vacations instead of living somewhere like LA. Having a house vs renting an apartment forever. Not spending time in traffic or driving myself up the wall with boredom at work vs, snow, seasons and busy-ness in any job because NY. I never thought I belonged in my hometown but using it as a hub is completely different than just being there forever. I’ve moved to other places, but this is the longest I’ve stayed away. I never get a vacation because I only ever get to go back there. I never have enough money either. I had that issue before, but I’ve made progress in my career that will give me substantially more money in NY than it would here. Remote work is entirely possible as well. It just blows my mind the cost and lack of hope here. Everyone is a dreamer chasing something and everyone is alone and stuck. I just can’t play this game anymore.

I want to have fun. I want distractions. I want a stable place I can call mine that doesn’t involve sharing. I think the next step is to leave LA regardless of traveling the world or not. I think that the next few years need to be spent with me traveling the world and seeing what happens. Building a business. Buying a building and a house for less than the cost of a house here. Trying to grants and fundraising to open my company. Not worrying about being the skinny, pretty, girl to get noticed. Just being me and knowing that’s enough. Wanting another dreamer to share life and time with but in a different way than I’ve thought.

I still need to slow down. I need a different pace in life, one I can actually enjoy. One I can even attempt to pull off. I know people say believing is half the battle, but I’ve never really wanted millions until I got here because that’s what it takes to succeed here. I have a similar heading but one quite different than I once thought it would be.

I’m thinking of switching my world vacation for another cross country road trip, but one I do on purpose with time at my will. To end up back in NY with a few months free of rent and monetary struggle and an exit strategy for getting out within a year.

This makes the most sense to me right now. It really does. I’m going to take the next few days and plan it all out. One step at a time and see where things go. Timeline and all. Plan of attack and strategy to move forward.

Day 29: hitting the part where I do what I do best, reel, plan and organize. Bring it on. BrainOnLeash.jpg

 

 

 

Day 26 & 27: 3 weeks in

Three weeks already? I think I’m gonna give myself a few days to breathe. I feel like I’m making progress but I still feel like I’m too in my head. I actually forgot yesterday and as I went to sleep last night I remembered I never posted anything. Whoops.

I’m trying to figure out ways to launch and grow a company. I think that is my best bet to buy back my freedom. I’m talking to people and making contacts, getting ideas and exploring options. When I apply for jobs I feel like I’m not qualified to do anything, yet when I think of running my own company those thoughts don’t even enter my head. Maybe because I’m not trying to prove it to anyone but myself in that situation. Maybe it’s just me falling into old habits. Idk.

I had the best night sleep I’ve had in a long time last night, yet here we are at 3:15pm… I’m exhausted and want a nap. I really wonder what being able to live in the outside world would be like in this city. I know I’ve only recently started working again so I had the time, but I didn’t have the money. Can’t play without funds; not when it costs $10 to park anywhere. I want to know what it’s like to live here with the opportunity to live like a tourist here. If that doesn’t make sense, think about how you are and how you spend on vacation, i.e. usually without restraints. It makes an experience completely different than it would otherwise. Food for thought.

I keep coming back to I’m not sure I want to do this when it comes to traveling. Yet, I know I do. I’m not sure if I’m just scared and am trying to talk myself out of it. Or if it’s literally because money. I’d say money causes 99% of my stress. I need to become an active part of my own life here. But it isn’t always that simple. Creating a new normal and redefining what it is you actually want in life are very different things from going along for the ride.

I need to find my heart and my happy in all of this. I need to find the love I once had when I wandered this city. I need to let myself. Maybe I’m left with my thoughts too much. Maybe I need to just tune out, but I’m an over achieving work horse what can I say. I need to learn to slow down, but the only time I do that is outside this country or on Sundays when I don’t get out of bed and bingewatch any series I can find. I’m sure you can relate.

I really don’t know anymore. I feel more lost than ever, yet I have moments of feeling like I’m going in the right direction and I’m exactly where I should be. It doesn’t make any sense but it doesn’t have to – it’s feelings.

Day 27: relearning dolce far niente (the sweetness of doing nothing).

Day 25: Learning to Redefine

In the last year I’ve been really re-thinking what it means to live. The expectations I once had of a house, a savings, a specific place to call home, a significant other, a potential family… the list goes on… Isn’t what I find myself wanting, at least not in the same way I once did.

My versions of home, and a potential family have changed to say the least. I’ve grown up a lot and I’ve grown a lot. What I want or thought I would have by this point in my life is not even close to what I have. What I want is not even close to what I have either. I do want a house and a place to call home, but even the idea of being “stuck” anywhere drives me insane. The thought of building a life I have to vacate to enjoy is not something I want and I never really looked at it that way until this last leap of faith.

Even the version of love I once had in my head…. not even close. You never love anyone the same way as someone else. You can’t. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t even have the same relationship with yourself now as you did years ago. Things are meant to change. They’re meant to progress however you’re willing to take that, take it as you see fit. What I want from my house now isn’t what I ever wanted from a house previously. I want a place to call my own. I want financial stability and the ability to do what I want when. I used to attach finances to freedom. While they play a large role, they are not the only variable. Why do we become so attached to things and yet not realize that it’s the way we feel in regards to those things that make us attached?

When you make an impulse buy, happiness, thrill. When you fall in love, butterflies, thrills. When you do something you’re afraid of, anxiety, thrill. We’re constantly acting to do things that make us feel alive. That make us feel in a specific way whether we realize it or not. I’ve spent the majority of my life suppressing emotion and not knowing what it means to feel. I’ve done it to the point where people now think I’m too emotional because it’s 20 years of repression bursting out at once. In my reality, it’s me trying to find a life I actually want to live. One that I don’t have to pay off $80,000 in loans from degrees that really wont ever pay off. Or $6,000 in credit card debt because you had to eat and pay bills for 6 months without a job.

The thing about any decision or any emotion, you can and have the right to change your mind. You have the ability to become attached or not. Why don’t we look at it that way?

I was talking to a friend earlier today about the differences between strength and weakness. Emotion is often seen as feminine and weak… but being able to express yourself, cry, let the hurt go, love, etc, is the opposite of weakness. It is strength. Showing empathy is strength. Saying no, quitting a job that is sucking out your soul, seeking help for depression, anxiety or anything else that you need that you can’t solve yourself, is strength. Knowing yourself well enough to realize you need help and can’t get out of this by yourself is not in any way shape or form a weakness. Being pushed too far and not being happy anymore and thus deciding to change, is not a weakness. So why do we treat them as such?

Typically we treat things or people that are different than we are as something they’re not because we don’t understand. But emotions are something we all feel. Emotions are something we all base our lives and decisions on. So why do we set such rigid standards? Emotions aren’t logic. They do not have to make sense. In fact it is in their nature not to. They’re matters of the heart. They’re gut reactions. They’re intuition. Whatever you want to call it.

When you define yourself, and set expectations for yourself and you don’t end up where you want to be or who you want to be, you could call it failure. Or you could re-assess and re-define what those things actually mean to you. What is love to me? What is home? What does family mean? Friendship? Self worth? Happiness? Success? How do you know if you’ve achieved those things if you don’t first know what they feel like or know what you’d like them to feel like?

I thought that California was going to be a new chapter for me. I lost a lot of bad that had come into my life and I’m more than grateful for it. The downside, I haven’t replaced it with anything. I lost the bad, but I didn’t just gain the good because the bad was no longer there. I have emptiness in my life, to the point of clinging to a version of the past I wasn’t okay with but wasn’t at war with either. That’s not okay with me. My status quo is in question because I the things I wanted in the insanity are still things I want whether defined the same or not. And I still don’t have any of them.

I’m starting to realize that the way of life I thought existed no longer does. That the way I thought I would experience doesn’t stand a chance. And those aren’t bad things. They just – are. I need to create the good. I need to create the fun. I need to create the love and the money and anything else I might want. How is always the question. Why is always a question that can be answered with because I want to. And the ones that don’t understand can be thwarted with the fact that they don’t have to.

If your life doesn’t make sense the way it is, if it doesn’t make you happy, if you don’t have what you want, reassess; redefine. What does being alive mean to you? What does feeling alive mean to you? If today was your last day to live, what would you want to do? How would you spent your time?

Day 25: time is like money, but it can only be spent and not earned. Are you spending it wisely?

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Day 17: Keeping the Balance

Today was the first weekend day I’ve enjoyed in a long time. I spent most of the day painting wine glasses for a business/partnership I have going on with a friend of mine. I’m 2/3 of the way done and hoping to finish tomorrow. I got half of my to-do list completed. And I was somewhat busy but still letting myself be silly and have fun. I wish I could have hit the beach, but it’s a bit nipply this weekend. So maybe next weekend.

These are some of the days I wish I had when I wasn’t working. The calm enjoyable got some things done and didn’t feel stuck in any way, shape or form days. The ones where I just let things be even though I know I am not exactly where I want to be. It’s a day I don’t think about the what ifs. The could bes. Or the possiblys.

These are the days that I don’t think about depression or missing people. I don’t think about the hurt or pain of the past. And I don’t think of the things I’m missing right now. Head and heart took a day of respite and I’m almost surprised. To be honest… I think this is one of the first days without boredom I’ve had in a very long time and I’m more than content about it.

This is the type of feeling I’d love to have from day to day. Content to be where I am, somewhat busy, have a purpose to the day and enjoy the time I’m living through. I know I go crazy when I feel stuck and my job makes me feel that in spades. We all have triggers that bring out certain parts of us we wish we could either hide or live without but sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we have to let things play out. Sometimes we have to force our own hands and sometimes we have to just breathe.

I spent the day home alone, hit the store, made some food, watched some TV while I painted and just felt at ease. A little anxious to finish these glasses, but this is the most I’ve ever painted at one time, so it’s okay. These kind of days I don’t mind being here. In fact I love that I walked out my door and the sun was shining, I cranked the music and sang in the car and just did what I wanted. I bought myself some new workout stuff for the challenge I’m doing and I got some things for my glasses. All feels right with the world.. yeah that just came out of my mouth. Today was exactly what I needed and today is part of the reason I can get through the other days without completely acting on impulse. These are the days I wish to have more of, regardless of how simple. Sometimes it’s the little things that matter and we need to be the ones to give ourselves the advice or just take the step back and say, ya know what it’s going to be okay.

Gonna keep this short and sweet because it feels right. So thanks for reading along and enjoying the journey with me so far. No crazy words of wisdom. No rants or raves. Just peace today.

Day 17: I haven’t felt calm or at peace like this in a very long time and for today I am grateful.

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Day 16: One day at a Time

My heart and head are constantly at war and I never know which way to choose anymore. I keep trying to follow my heart, but trying to tune out all the unsolicited advice from others and my head… I only end up being more annoyed and more confused.

My heart misses NY and would kill to be in a bar with the best pizza and chicken wings in front of my face. Then I think about traveling and that makes me happy. And I think about actually having a life and making a life I love in this place and that feels right too. What the fuck am I doing? How do I mesh them to “get them all.” Can I? Do I even try? Should I? Is it all just timing?

If so, I seriously need to reprogram myself to take one day at a time. I think my brain processes a lifetime in a day. Not sure if it’s good or bad, but depending on the day it’s both and it’s too much. I just know things definitely need to change.

I made it through my fifth week of work today and It drove me insane. When you consistently have nothing to do and you get mansplained to more than once it’s not okay. When you start googling: “when do you know if its time to leave a job”… I think it’s time to go.

People keep telling me to give it a chance. To take my time and get acclimated. The list goes on. I know I work quickly, but I shouldn’t be done with the work I have to do by 9am when I get in at 8. It’s a smaller company and I’m basically my own department, yet there still isn’t enough for me to do on any given day. I’ve asked once a week since I started for more work and to no avail has my boredom been assuaged; haven’t been given more work. I’ve exceeded their sales quotas for October, November and have half of December and January sold along with landing an account they couldn’t get in the past… Never done a sales job, but apparently I’m too good…clearly this position and I aren’t a good fit. Okay complaining time over.

I did some travel researching and found out flights are actually a lot cheaper than I thought. Maybe I’ll move up this trip and the minute I find a remote job, just freaking go for it. I really have no passion, zest or motivation to be here anymore. The fantasy in my head allows it to work, but it’s a bubble. Something that is and can only be partially true until a point. Too many variables make a life. And I don’t want to worry about more than half of them anymore. I want to have freedom, fun and passion in my world. Today I woke up thinking… I can’t wait until I can come home and go to bed tonight. – Yeah something’s wrong.

Italy, England & Bali, New Orleans, New York, and maybe I’ll decide to keep wandering after that. Honestly… this whole thing sounds crazy to me half the time but I’d much rather do this than anything else right now. This truly excites me. This makes me feel like I’m living on purpose rather than just letting time pass me by.

It’s one thing to let time pass when you’re doing things you at least somewhat enjoy. It’s another thing to keep bashing your head against a wall until you drown out both your head and your heart. I understand “doing what you have to do…” but at what cost does it become unacceptable? I was grappling with this literal issue last year. I was in the same exact fucking place with a career. And people were saying the same fucking bullshit. It wasn’t acceptable then it still is NOT now. Period.

Honestly, I may need help. And I may be afraid of failing, but I keep consistently trying. I’m not afraid to take the risk, when it does or doesn’t pay off it doesn’t entirely matter because I actually tried. When I get pushed too far into the crap of complacency and monotony I get apathetic towards life and everything around me goes to shit. The difference now, I’m reeling through the cycle that once took me years in days. The wind up and the fall out happen within a week if not less. Sometimes it only takes a day.

I’m not trying to drive myself crazy. That was never the intention. I don’t have friends that are actually on this coast. I have people I know from my past life that really don’t fucking get it. And I have people from a past life that maybe shouldn’t even be around anymore. I’ve been hurting when it comes to the loneliness but I’m still somehow surrounded by the wrong people. They’re either the wrong ones or they’re not there at all. No in between. I’m not a victim. I’m not looking for pity I’m just writing out my own thoughts… so take that last part as you wish.

I’m not trying to be anyone or anything I’m not and unlike everyone else playing the game of bullshit,  I choose to play the opposite. To those that keep giving me advice, stop trying to make me someone I’m not. Stop telling me what to do. I am becoming who I want to be and I am going to do it my way whether that’s something you believe I should do or not, because it’s not your life to live. Whether you mean well or not – stop it. Please.

If I’ve learned anything from the last two years, it’s that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to find love. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to love my life. I deserve to have the body I want. I deserve to have the job I want. I deserve to have pretty much anything I can think of because it is up to me to get it and it is that simple.

With the typing of that last sentence my heart and my body actually feel lifted and lighter. It seems to me I already know what I need. It’s time to go get it.

Day 16: Trying to run in a million directions but re-learning how to focus, attempting to take only one day at a time.

 

 

Day 14: Life flies, live it now

Life flies no matter what. Time flies no matter what. I’m 14 days into this and I feel like I just started. I’ve already made astronomical progress in what I want and where I want to go. I feel like I’ve gained a lot of clarity and feel a lot less crazy in general, but sometimes you have to admit that you are what you are and that’s okay. I’m a little crazy. I’m okay with that.

I’ve yet to really plan anything for my trips, but I feel like that has to come a little later – when I actually get the cash flowing. Emphasis on little. I feel like this is the next “something I owe myself.” This is the next dream, but I’m not yet in a position to take it. Almost.

There are certainly moments of me losing my shit and there’s certainly moments of wanting and needing more, but things seem to be going better now that I’ve started this challenge. Maybe it’s accountability, maybe it’s attention for myself. Not quite sure.

I’m not 10 years old, trying to grow up and eventually take care of myself financially and otherwise. I’m actually doing those things whether I’m doing them as well as I’d like or not, they’re happening. I don’t “have it bad” by any means, but it just occurred to me that the thought of staying here for another year in the same apartment with the same roommates and the same job…. Is going to drive me crazy and make me run screaming in the opposite direction. I feel like I have commitment issues, but I’m not going to stay in a situation that doesn’t suit me if I don’t have to.

I really just don’t want to do it. I don’t hate it here, but the boredom is killing me. The mundane of “have to” is killing me. The fact that every single person keeps telling me “you have to pay your dues” makes me want to hit them. I’ve been out of college 7 years. I’ve worked for 7 years. I’ve paid for student loans and a car. I’ve lived in 4 different states and understand the power and loss in starting over. I’ve experienced PTSD, depression and anxiety in a million different ways. I know what it is to love someone so much it hurts. I know what it means to love period. I know that I want to help people and that I want to succeed because it means others can benefit. — That moment you reread your entry and realize that helping people almost means you want to be used. 

The world and society is so ass backwards today. I really don’t understand how we got here. The people that used to preach peace and love now sit back and yell pay your dues. Uh… I’ve paid way more than you have, thank you very much. This isn’t a contest. This is my life, my world and my time. Excuse me for trying to spend it in a way I hope will make me happy. In a world where depression, anxiety, mental illness, debt, divorce, bankruptcy, class division, and necessity to follow the status quo reign, consider me a rebel. I don’t want anything to do with any of those things.

The more I try, the more I do, the more I learn and experience, the harder all of it becomes. I ask myself constantly, when is it ever enough? Then I think — conditioned response. It’s conditioned because I’ve been told “pay your dues, do what you have to do, you have to do this, you have to do that, it’ll happen in time…” the list goes on. But fuck all of that. Seriously fuck it all. I want to live a life that sets my soul on fire. I want to live a life that brings me and those around me incandescent happiness. I want a world I can be a part of and the norm is weird. Weird outside the box, non materialistic, nonconformity.

I am not ungrateful for what I have. But consistently inconsistent stability is what I have. I never know when the proverbial stool is going to be kicked out from under me. And I’m barely keeping up the balancing act as it is. Sometimes I wish I could kick it out from under myself. But I digress… I’m happy I came to California. I’m grateful of the progress I’ve made and the things that I’ve become. I want more because I was so far from ever being enough for myself before and now its the opposite.

California brought me a lot of good. But it also brought me perpetual loneliness. There are good and bad results from basically everything, but some of them are easier to live with than others. I’d almost rather have the habit of going out way too much than being constantly alone. The boredom humdrum that has become my life is exhausting. Add in the constant traffic struggle that is LA and ding ding ding! Welcome to hell. A very different kind of hell, but a hell nonetheless. I make the joke that the price of paradise is a 6 lane parking lot. Too bad it’s not a joke.

When are we going to realize that people living lives they love, people loving their lives and being able to pursue happiness is not the end of the world for those that already have too much? Life isn’t an “I’m taking this from you because I want it,” kind of game. There are millions and millions of opportunities to do and be and live in whatever way you want. Why is sharing such a hard concept? When did we become so materially self centered? How do we make progress when you can’t believe what anyone says because everyone has an agenda? Where do we go from here? We have to make decisions for our own self preservation. And we have to make change for the good of people – period. Otherwise, we have nothing. So what next? Do I keep planning for 6 months from now, or do I focus on tomorrow.

Day 14: The immediate future happens first. What decisions are we going to make to make sure we get where we’d like to be?

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