Day 87: things are falling into place

This week is shaping up to be a pretty good week. I think as I draw nearer to the end of this self proclaimed challenge, I’m going to embark on another one. I think I’m going to do a smaller challenge this time, because as much as I feel like I need time to progress, I need to set some short term goals to change my status quo into something that makes me my best me and makes me feel like I’m making at least some progress consistently.

I’ve dealt with depression most of my life. I’ve dealt with anxiety over the last few years. Things fluctuate constantly and the level of insanity is all over the place, or at least I feel it is. Consistently inconsistent is a phrase I’ve used far too many times. I’ve been struggling to find what it is that I really want in life and even going further to say what I really want in my personal life vs my professional life. I’m not moving as fast as I’d like but I’m getting there. Things change as I go along, but I keep trying new things and am getting closer from where I’m standing, or so it feels.

Some days I wish I was 20 again because the hurt and the pain of the last handful of years hadn’t happened and wasn’t weighing on me as it does now. But in the same breath I’m glad to be further along in the scheme of things. That being said, the person I had become was not the person that I wanted to be. It never was someone I wanted to be or even thought I would be. The issue was, I was in uncharted territory and I hadn’t achieved anything I had ever wanted to in life up to that point. I’m still slightly on the fence about achieving anything I’ve wanted in life, but I can feel the progress now and my approach to it all is slightly toned down. Actually that’s a lie, it’s completely turned up, but in a very different way.

I’ve been able to find happiness and contentment. I’ve been able to create a person I actually like myself being. I’ve been able to reclaim myself for myself in hopes of taking this person with me to move forward. I’ve realized I’ve never had role models in my life but I have to use “myself in 10 years” as a role model or something along those lines. Who I want to become in the future is the basis on who I want to start putting together now. The perspective that has come into my world and continues to do so on a daily basis is astounding. But I am looking for it.

I’m actively searching and trying new things. I’m listening to my own feelings and trying to figure out where my own boundaries lie. I feel like I’m trying to undo everything my life and childhood has instilled into me up until now. I feel like I’m trying to be something that doesn’t exist because the life I thought I’d have at this point couldn’t be further from existence. Not that any of that is a bad thing, but it is my reality.

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t hold onto the fantasies. I’ve been told to get my head out of the clouds. I’ve been told I’m too much. I’ve been told that the things I want aren’t attainable. I’ve been told a lot of shit. I’ve been told to follow my dreams. I’ve been supported in following my dreams, but not until recently. I’ve been given a lot of advice. And I’ve turned a lot of it down.

We’re preached to by so many people on any given day. We’re shown the way of someone else more often than not. But what I’ve come to realize is that, no one really has the answers to this. No one really has any clue what they’re doing whether they’re an adult or not. Everyone has their own faltering insecurities and successes and everyone has their own truth.

I have been and done a lot of things in my life. I’ve done everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life and then some up until this point with a couple of exceptions because the time for those has not yet come to pass. I know I make things harder for myself. And I know that I could have done things a million different ways, but I didn’t. And the point is, I wouldn’t have.

I told a friend of mine the other day that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, because if you weren’t here you’d be somewhere else. That might be confusing, but think about it. If you weren’t supposed to be here… You wouldn’t be. As much as we have options and the abilities to change and grow and adapt and progress and falter and fail and anything else you can think of…. to a point we are exactly where we’re supposed to be. Life has to teach us something in this moment and we have to pay attention.

I was never meant to be a grow up, get a job, stay there for 20 years, get married, pop out some kids, run of the mill person. While those things are all good things to want, have or excel towards, they are not my world. I’d love to get married and have a family some day, but that is not “my life.”  I would love to have a job I could do long term, but I hate working for people and the only way that will happen is if I create the company myself. Which I am actually in the process of doing.

I still have dreams and goals and “regular things” I want, but normal is something I’ve never known and I finally had to accept that about myself. I’m not most people. I don’t talk like them. I don’t act like them. I don’t care to be like everyone else. People have never been able to define me. I have to start realizing my own advice and seeing that I am those things for a reason. Accepting myself for who I am and for what I am, is a huge piece of the puzzle for me. It isn’t something I’ve ever done. It isn’t something I’ve ever really put much stock into before. That is about to change, it has been changing.

When we define ourselves we lock ourselves into our own version of what we think we are… we don’t have to do that, but we have to know ourselves enough to realize where our hurt, pain, love, hope, joy etc comes from if we aren’t the type of people that can just walk through life and have things work out “normally.”

I feel like we’re in the middle of a worldly shift and those becoming adults and claiming their identity for the world to see are on the verge of transcendence. We no longer have typical gender roles or rules to follow. We broke the rules and almost anything goes, while not everything may be accepted there is definitely a new normal. It’s time to create something new, but we have to start within ourselves.

This is how I’m starting. Change is coming. It’s always upon us. I’m trying to use it for good for once. I’m trying not to hold and squeeze onto my thoughts, feelings and desires so tight that I squeeze the life from myself again. I no longer want to fight. I just want to be me and that is enough. We spend so much time fighting for what we think we want that we lose what we might actually need. I’m trying to fix that for myself, because it’s long overdue. But it’s time.

Day 87: feeling good about life, thinking about the new moon, gearing up for my birthday next week. Trying to take it all in.

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Day 73: pulling myself out of the void

It’s been about two weeks since I last wrote and I can say I’ve had a couple set backs and a couple epiphanies. Life is a progression >>keeps repeating this to self<< life is a progression.

I’m getting my shit back in order after leaving for two weeks, but I feel like I have way too many irons in the fire and nothing is particularly working out. Maybe I have to be more patient, but after being in NY, I’m anxious to say the least. Working on it.

Lucky for me the holiday season with the family was actually pretty good. Nothing like it used to be, but good nonetheless. Things are starting to be easier when it comes to existing there in general, but this last trip has proven to me that I really don’t belong there.  I’m learning to exist there as someone I am now, not as someone I used to be and that’s great. Oh and I survived two full weeks with my parents without actually fighting with them, which is also huge. So I’ll take the win.

Then there are the moments of trying to exist with old friends who bring up the stuff from 5 years ago and push you just too far… And the next thing you know, you’re white girl wasted and have no recollection of anything, but the self loathing and massive hangover you’re currently enduring. – true story. Even while I write this I feel like a completely different person than I was when I left to go back.

That being said, I have my moments of fighting with the two people inside me- the one I’m becoming and the one I used to be – but it’s weird how all of this works. To say PTSD, anxiety and self hatred reign in NY are too spot on, yet it doesn’t feel like it used to and that in itself is amazing. I’ve made progress. And I’ve been able to catch myself a lot sooner and stop it and change the behavior almost instantly. Well we’ll say within 24 hours – the hangover proves that.

I came back to CA yesterday and I actually got everything on my to-do list completed. I have three or four things on the list for the rest of this week and I’m hoping to knock one out each day. One of these things is a plan for 2018. Including a few trips and a way to save and earn more money consistently. I’ve come a long way in 73 days and at the same time I feel like things have gone full circle all the way around.

I’m still figuring out my normal and my own shit and I don’t think that will ever change. I’m learning how to be kinder to myself consistently. I’m learning to bounce a little more and be less harsh to myself overall when I don’t “get what I want in the way I want it, now.” I’ve come to the conclusion so far that what I really want is to ditch my roommates, get a new apartment or at least a new start in this one without them, build a savings. Take at least one major trip. And find a way to ditch my desk job. And that is what I want to make plans to accomplish in the year ahead.

I’m ready to get back in the daily writing game because as much as I think I talk in circles when I write daily, it makes me feel better. So starting new to finish this out. 17 days to go. Let’s see where I get to next.

Day 73: back in the saddle… getting back to my chosen normal and the sunsets on the year past.

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Day 57: I need to quit fearing

Conflicted by thoughts of running out of my job on a daily basis, keeping the status quo for now, trying to/thinking about remotely working and wondering whether I’m too accustomed to eating to quit right now…

That sentence in itself is exhausting. Maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe I’m not being lazy enough haha. By lazy I mean going with my feelings and actually listening to myself rather than doing things just because I feel or think I have to. I know I want a different job. I know I’m afraid of working remotely, but when I’m sitting here stuck at a desk and being forced to interact with people I want nothing to do with it…I go nuts. Maybe it’s the wrong people. Maybe I’m just exhausted and need to keep slowing down in general. Maybe I’m missing the point entirely.

We all have our days that we want to hide from the world. Ironically this morning wasn’t a total struggle to get out of bed, but once I got here I can’t say the same. I’ve fallen over a great book that I’ve been listening to and I’m trying to tune out the world. But the more I try to keep to myself the more people try to break in. Then I talk to people for five seconds and think wow they’re fucking stupid. And really want to run.

In the middle of a transition of finding myself in a way I never could before and letting go of what was to make way for what can be…I’m still one foot in and one foot out of a chapter in my life. Maybe its a whole different book at this point. Knowing I’m being irrational and half the fears I have are just that…. I try not to let it get in the way.

Day 57: I think I’ve successfully broken the habit of being myself and I’m interested in seeing where it goes, but I have to catch myself still when I act like that other girl. While trying not to let fear and irrationality rule… I move forward trying to untangle my conflictions.

Day 56: losing track of the days

Today was a whirlwind to say the least. Actually, the last handful of days have been a whirlwind. I started out this challenge writing 1 post a day in hopes to have a total of 90 posts. I’m a little over halfway through and somewhere around post 37 I stopped doing daily updates. I realized I don’t have a whole lot to say on an everyday basis when I’m going through the motions. I also feel like I’m trying to live more in the moment and that means not recounting my every move to myself. I’m going to attempt to go with an every other day update for those following along as well as myself, but we’ll see how it goes from here on out. /disclaimer

This weekend was great not much unlike the majority of days I’ve had lately. However, I will say it’s far too short. As per usual, I’m not wanting to go to work tomorrow and I’m doing my best not to fight myself. I’ve realized as much as I don’t want this job, I don’t really want the alternative either. Working remotely right now scares the shit out of me. The thought of traveling the world scares the shit out of me. The so called flying without a net in hopes of finding something or finding myself in the process… has already begun… but I’m not quite at the next phase yet. I’ve wanted to travel because that’s when I’ve felt the most free. But right now I have something in my life I’m not quite ready to lose. In one moment I’m not yet ready to jump and in the next I’m full force ready to take the leap and travel for 6 months. No middle ground, but that’s part of me being me.

How easy it is to bounce back and forth is the realization that I’m not afraid to do it, I’m afraid to lose what I’ve just found. I’m afraid to really be alone in this city again on a daily basis in a work and play setting. I’ve said it before, as much as I hate my job sometimes it really does save my ass. It gets me out in the world. I wish I had a little more freedom to flow but I’ll figure it out.

Last week I fought myself on everything. I was down. I was annoyed. I tried to change the channel. I did. I succeeded. I left for the weekend and it was a wonderful thing. I enjoyed some state parks and some beach time and some photography time. I talked to people that get me and want to see me succeed. On the weekend before I’m about to walk into my past, I’m reminded why I don’t want to be there anymore. This is better; by far.

I’m finally starting to delve into the world here. I finally have people in my life that are willing to go along for the ride with me. I’ve been happier now than I ever remember being. I’m consistently happier now than I ever remember being. I’m more stable now than I ever remember being (mentally and emotionally). I’m changing. I’m finding me again and I’m being myself with the people that are now in my life. I’m not perfect and I have a ways to go to get where I want to be, but I’m happy being right here for now. That’s something I couldn’t say before this challenge. That’s something I couldn’t say before the last 8ish weeks.

I’m not moving as fast as I’d like, but I’m putting a handful of things into play that I hadn’t before. I’m playing with life in a completely different way than I once was. I’m being open to different things differently. I’m almost sick of talking to the people that were once a part of my world. It isn’t that I don’t or didn’t value the role they played, but rather they don’t seem to fit anymore and now its more than apparent.

I spent a few hours today at the beach for example. I walked down the beach alone. I stood in the surf. I let myself take in the moment and just be. I listened to the roar of the waves as the ocean surrounded me in all her glory. I watched the sunset over the pier. I took in the energy all around. I felt and saw something completely different than anything I ever have before and that pier is one of my favorite places in the world to be – aka – I go there a lot. I’m noticing things differently and in a different way than I once did. I’m being different than I once was. None of this was the case before this challenge.

I had moments of shifting and I had moments of growth. I had times where things had been culminating and only now was I really able to see them. August seems like more than a lifetime behind me and it was about  4months ago. I can remember shit from 4 years ago, from 14 years ago that feels like yesterday, yet 4 months ago seems almost illusive to me. It’s a crazy thing. One more day off. That’s what I want this week. I want tomorrow off. I want to take tomorrow and breathe. I want to watch a couple movies that I found and I want to finish my painting. I want to stop being in the 9-5 world, but I need to find the right fit for me to gain some financial stability before I stop getting a steady paycheck. I made a decision today about moving forward. Let’s see if its the right fit. Fingers crossed.

I may have no idea what I want at the end of this. I may realize that I’m afraid of letting go in general and that I really need to work on that, but I think everyone does. I may realize that I do want to travel but not for 6 months. Maybe 3 trips, 1-2 months each. Not one right after another. You really never know what can happen. You really never know where life will take you. Right now I’m smitten with a person I wouldn’t have ever thought twice about in the past. I’m breaking my own barriers. I’m breaking my own expectations of the world around me and I’m literally just doing what I want or what feels right. It’s all wonderful actually.

Day 56: basking in the glory of the Pacific. 25510815_10155048979381752_1948855230_o.jpg

 

Day 52: Stopping to smell the roses

The last few days have been weird. My head and sinuses have been screwed because of these fires and a combination of a self induced hangover. Yet, I still can’t stop the crazy good mood I’m in. The fantasy of all of this…. the music I’ve been listening to…Everything just adds to the good mood. Everything fuels the fire. It’s insane how good I feel right now. The kicker – because there always is – I’m really starting not to trust this.

Always a skeptic. Yet with every new person I meet, every new idea I take a chance on makes me feel more alive. The more I scroll through facebook now, the more I find things I love and just let it flow. Pieces of art, friends’ photos, sayings, all kinds of things. The more happiness and love I seem to radiate the more I seem to get. It’s law of attraction 101 yet until the last month I really haven’t thought twice about the legitimacy of it all. And it’s wonderful. That is all.

Day 52: feeling some real change.1557473_10151868200961752_1271997019_n.jpg

 

Day 51: a fine line

There’s a fine line between the best and worst pieces of your life. There’s a fine line between love and hate in regards to yourself. There’s a fine line between failure and success. And that line only exists where your definition draws the line.

With time and patience and a little mix of crazy I keep moving forward. Knowing I’ve been in far worse places mentally, emotionally, and physically, this year has still probably been my hardest to deal with yet. I had to toe the line of staying in a place I’ve dreamt about living since the age of 10 and going back to NY to stay. The fact that I say back doesn’t fit, there is no going back. There is only forward. But geographically back probably would have killed me. And I’m not being dramatic.

I spent a very long time being stuck. The best thing I’ve learned this year wasn’t getting unstuck, it was knowing when to say enough. It was learning and practicing when to back off or move forward when I needed to, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I’m about there now with this current position. Knowing that everything is temporary and that things can always get worse I’m not going to jump until I know I have something else in the wings… but I haven’t had this job 90 days and I spend almost everyday doing something to keep my brain occupied and my heart at ease that has nothing to do with the job.

Here’s where the line gets drawn… This morning was a real struggle. I didn’t want to get out of bed. In fact I laid in bed an extra 15 minutes because I felt like it. I fought myself to brush my teeth. I fought myself to put pants on. I sat on my bed half dressed asking myself do I really have to do this. Eventually I got up and did it. I went to work. I landed an $8500 a month contract for the next six months, which is more than they pay me in a year and the struggle continued. Throughout my day in a complete haze I found a middle ground. I talked to a few friends of mine and that helped. And then I lightened up a bit and it was like the damn sun came out. Days like these used to wreck me. The days of shadow ever loomed overhead. They’d go on in a never ending cycle and I wouldn’t ever be aware of the next sunny day until it slapped me with a sunburn.

Whether its because I now live in the land of perpetual summer or the fact that I’m probably more consistently happy now than I’ve ever been in my life, my sunny days seem to negate the shadow’s reach. And this time I have sunscreen. I’m not choosing happiness anymore than I ever chose depression, but I’m choosing to breathe and let out what I need and express myself to myself. I’m allowing myself to feel the value and worth within based on me and a few people that have surprised the shit out of me in the last few weeks. I keep finding more and more people to add to the circle and I love it. I’m not only getting attention from myself in a way I never have, I’m getting attention from people in a way I never have. These aren’t the people nor are they the relationships I once knew. They’re not the ones where you’re always at arm’s length despite owning the title of best friend and then blamed when their life goes up in flames.

I am so fucking stupidly happy I am not in that place of my life anymore. I am so fucking stupidly happy that I am not that girl anymore. Not quite at the point of self love, still dealing with weeding out some masochistic tendencies… And the whole play on the word deserve seems to ring in my ears… but that’s a story for another day.

Today I crossed my line multiple times. But I’m okay. Tomorrow is another day. I won’t be doing this job for much longer. I’m going to continue to learn where the lines truly lie. And when they don’t fit anymore I’ll move them accordingly. You’re the one that draws the lines. You’re the one with the power and control to move them. Be kind to yourself and find which ones can help and which ones will hurt when crossed.

Failure is not the opposite of success. It takes failures to reach success. It takes loss to find gain. It takes pain to find happiness. It takes heartbreak to find love. The line is almost non-existent because life doesn’t exist only in black and white. Sometimes the grey area kills me. Sometimes it is where I thrive most. Find your balance. See where you end up.

Day 51: whether the line is drawn in sand or stone it will somehow, someway be crossed.

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Day 48: Finding My People

I made a new friend yesterday because of the groups I’m involved in online. We spent almost 2 hours chatting and getting to know each other. The more we talked, the more I told stories and she told stories and we just learned from each other. From travels to jobs to breaking the habit of the old status quo and making ourselves a new one, we spoke of what drives us and how we’ve gotten here.

It made me realize that I know way more than I give myself credit for. When you talk to the right people it makes you realize how much better things can be mentally and emotionally. It makes you realize that when you talk to people that have similar wants, needs and interests you feel a lot less crazy. I know it makes perfect sense, but take it from someone who has been talking and co-existing with all of the wrong people, it’s hard to find and harder to realize that it is exactly what you need.

Learning is a process, life is a process. Everything in life is temporary. Yet we always get attached to something. Whether it’s good or bad that’s out for debate. We’re at a turning point in society whether we realize it yet or not. Technology is slowly taking over the world and jobs and everything that goes with it. The traditional route of work till you die at the same company and they’ll be loyal doesn’t work nor does it really happen anymore.

The “right path” is not one specific path that the majority of people can take and become successful or build a life for themselves. The right path is the one that is right for you and  that being said the right path is knowing that everything you do is a risk. Whether you stay here or go there, whether you choose to jump or not you risk staying in a place you don’t want to be because it’s safe or you risk the unknown because you owe it to yourself. Risk is involved.

I’ve taken a lot of risks. I’m typically always willing to risk everything for something else because until now, my life has been riddled with not belonging, feeling useless or not good enough and depression and anxiety. My life is no longer that. I am no longer that girl. I choose not to be that girl again. I choose to be this girl, the one who believes in herself and the energies of the world around her conspiring to help achieve what I want and ask for. Whether silly or not it’s been working for me. And I also didn’t get here alone. That’s the key difference. I’ve spent so much time trying to do this alone it doesn’t work. Finding the right people is crazy hard, but it happens. Frequency and vibration is huge in my life right now and I’m grateful for it.

That being said, I’m not a think happy thoughts and you’ll be happy believer. But once you awaken the energy of happiness and being alive and thriving you’ll feel the difference. Once you make the jump and take the risk on yourself, give yourself credit for the work you have done whether you’ve succeeded or not and learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect but trying to be who and what you want, life no longer looks the same. Life no longer is the same. I might wake up tomorrow and want to lay in bed all day and end up in a slump, but I let myself have the day. I let myself just be what I’m going to be. It’s a completely different perspective. But now it’s mine and I’ll take it.

Day 48: making my circle bigger in the best ways. Finding bliss one step at a time.

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