This week is shaping up to be a pretty good week. I think as I draw nearer to the end of this self proclaimed challenge, I’m going to embark on another one. I think I’m going to do a smaller challenge this time, because as much as I feel like I need time to progress, I need to set some short term goals to change my status quo into something that makes me my best me and makes me feel like I’m making at least some progress consistently.
I’ve dealt with depression most of my life. I’ve dealt with anxiety over the last few years. Things fluctuate constantly and the level of insanity is all over the place, or at least I feel it is. Consistently inconsistent is a phrase I’ve used far too many times. I’ve been struggling to find what it is that I really want in life and even going further to say what I really want in my personal life vs my professional life. I’m not moving as fast as I’d like but I’m getting there. Things change as I go along, but I keep trying new things and am getting closer from where I’m standing, or so it feels.
Some days I wish I was 20 again because the hurt and the pain of the last handful of years hadn’t happened and wasn’t weighing on me as it does now. But in the same breath I’m glad to be further along in the scheme of things. That being said, the person I had become was not the person that I wanted to be. It never was someone I wanted to be or even thought I would be. The issue was, I was in uncharted territory and I hadn’t achieved anything I had ever wanted to in life up to that point. I’m still slightly on the fence about achieving anything I’ve wanted in life, but I can feel the progress now and my approach to it all is slightly toned down. Actually that’s a lie, it’s completely turned up, but in a very different way.
I’ve been able to find happiness and contentment. I’ve been able to create a person I actually like myself being. I’ve been able to reclaim myself for myself in hopes of taking this person with me to move forward. I’ve realized I’ve never had role models in my life but I have to use “myself in 10 years” as a role model or something along those lines. Who I want to become in the future is the basis on who I want to start putting together now. The perspective that has come into my world and continues to do so on a daily basis is astounding. But I am looking for it.
I’m actively searching and trying new things. I’m listening to my own feelings and trying to figure out where my own boundaries lie. I feel like I’m trying to undo everything my life and childhood has instilled into me up until now. I feel like I’m trying to be something that doesn’t exist because the life I thought I’d have at this point couldn’t be further from existence. Not that any of that is a bad thing, but it is my reality.
I’ve been told that I shouldn’t hold onto the fantasies. I’ve been told to get my head out of the clouds. I’ve been told I’m too much. I’ve been told that the things I want aren’t attainable. I’ve been told a lot of shit. I’ve been told to follow my dreams. I’ve been supported in following my dreams, but not until recently. I’ve been given a lot of advice. And I’ve turned a lot of it down.
We’re preached to by so many people on any given day. We’re shown the way of someone else more often than not. But what I’ve come to realize is that, no one really has the answers to this. No one really has any clue what they’re doing whether they’re an adult or not. Everyone has their own faltering insecurities and successes and everyone has their own truth.
I have been and done a lot of things in my life. I’ve done everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life and then some up until this point with a couple of exceptions because the time for those has not yet come to pass. I know I make things harder for myself. And I know that I could have done things a million different ways, but I didn’t. And the point is, I wouldn’t have.
I told a friend of mine the other day that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, because if you weren’t here you’d be somewhere else. That might be confusing, but think about it. If you weren’t supposed to be here… You wouldn’t be. As much as we have options and the abilities to change and grow and adapt and progress and falter and fail and anything else you can think of…. to a point we are exactly where we’re supposed to be. Life has to teach us something in this moment and we have to pay attention.
I was never meant to be a grow up, get a job, stay there for 20 years, get married, pop out some kids, run of the mill person. While those things are all good things to want, have or excel towards, they are not my world. I’d love to get married and have a family some day, but that is not “my life.” I would love to have a job I could do long term, but I hate working for people and the only way that will happen is if I create the company myself. Which I am actually in the process of doing.
I still have dreams and goals and “regular things” I want, but normal is something I’ve never known and I finally had to accept that about myself. I’m not most people. I don’t talk like them. I don’t act like them. I don’t care to be like everyone else. People have never been able to define me. I have to start realizing my own advice and seeing that I am those things for a reason. Accepting myself for who I am and for what I am, is a huge piece of the puzzle for me. It isn’t something I’ve ever done. It isn’t something I’ve ever really put much stock into before. That is about to change, it has been changing.
When we define ourselves we lock ourselves into our own version of what we think we are… we don’t have to do that, but we have to know ourselves enough to realize where our hurt, pain, love, hope, joy etc comes from if we aren’t the type of people that can just walk through life and have things work out “normally.”
I feel like we’re in the middle of a worldly shift and those becoming adults and claiming their identity for the world to see are on the verge of transcendence. We no longer have typical gender roles or rules to follow. We broke the rules and almost anything goes, while not everything may be accepted there is definitely a new normal. It’s time to create something new, but we have to start within ourselves.
This is how I’m starting. Change is coming. It’s always upon us. I’m trying to use it for good for once. I’m trying not to hold and squeeze onto my thoughts, feelings and desires so tight that I squeeze the life from myself again. I no longer want to fight. I just want to be me and that is enough. We spend so much time fighting for what we think we want that we lose what we might actually need. I’m trying to fix that for myself, because it’s long overdue. But it’s time.
Day 87: feeling good about life, thinking about the new moon, gearing up for my birthday next week. Trying to take it all in.