Day 16: failing my challenge, but not entirely

This time around, the challenge I set forth for myself has not really been happening. About a month ago I hurt my back and was going through the motions of forcing myself to sit at a job I hated. I decided then was the time to really focus on starting something else for myself. I had already committed to a business coach and someone to help me plan the early stages of what I wanted, but that wasn’t quite going in the way I had expected. So I took it upon myself and decided to do this again.

It was Monday of last week that I literally tripped and fell on my face.

I was working from home because of my back, after fighting with my boss after multiple doctor’s visits and notes saying I need to rest… I was walking to the kitchen to bring back the dish I had eaten breakfast on… I rolled my ankle, threw the dish I was carrying into the air, fell on my face, watched the plate shatter and continued to lay there thinking I had just broken something (I heard multiple and felt multiple pops on the way down).

I was laying on the floor face down in pain trying to take deep breaths to calm myself and I actually did better than I thought. Whether it was the fact that I had just finished watching the Sopranos 6th season the night before and Tony walked away from a car crash and I was feeling tough enough to be all “hey he got up and was fine”… or because I watched the guy online show how to control yourself and pull yourself out of the ice after falling through with breathing techniques… in less than five minutes I managed to pull myself together and crawl back and onto my bed. Ironically enough despite totally beefing it the only thing that was hurt was my right ankle/foot.

I did some substantial damage, but should be fine in the next few weeks. They gave me crutches, pain meds and a foot wrap thing and here I sit finally breathing what feels like the free air for the time being. I have been working from home but the apparent lack of fit that this job has in my world couldn’t be more real. I’ve been using my time to apply for other things. Tried to take control over my business coaching and asking him to set forth a strategy for us both so that I get the best results for the money I’ve paid, as I don’t fit the typical mold and don’t need to be taught how to use a computer.

But ironically, I think the best thing in my life could have been me falling on my face last week. It’s given me perspective. It’s given me a chance to breathe again and really take the time for myself to just be. It’s given me time alone and to be with my thoughts and see what changes I need to make. On top of actually getting paid and not having to worry about finances. Don’t get me wrong I dread the day I have to walk back into that office, but for right now, I am 1,000,000x better than I had become.

Sometimes we fight so hard to be exactly where we want. Sometimes we don’t stop to smell the roses and sometimes we need to realize that we’re taking the pleasure out of our own lives and existence. Sometimes surrendering to the flow of things is exactly what we need to do. And failure has it’s way of helping success that we didn’t expect.

As a kid I thought adults had things figured out, but life couldn’t be more of a personal problem than it is. Forging your own way in a world that tells you that you “have to” be anything is hard. But knowing your truth and your abilities to seek your own happiness and create your own world, is a beautiful thing. Expectations are a bitch. And being so hellbent and driven on a goal only fuels the fires. But sometimes it takes falling on your face, literally or figuratively to figure out you’re not where you want to be yet, but you’re exactly where you need to be and you’re always one choice away from a different life at any moment. Seize whatever opportunity calls you and see if you can make it great for yourself. Because only you can make your world wonderful. No one else can do it for you.

Day 9-16: recovering from a fall. Day 17 getting back in the game.


Day 8: falling behind

I’m finding the hardest part of all this is the juggling of my full time job, my business, my life — you know, life haha.

I’m finding that my full time job is seriously bringing me down and the things I’m doing as of right now are not really in my best interest. I’ve been so stressed and so tense that I’m ending up in physical pain and it really isn’t a good thing. I started my first challenge in hopes to change the status quo. I did make changes. I ended up in the best emotionally stable environment I could have possibly created for myself. And that in itself is amazing.

Yet here I am…. I caught myself in the numb routine of depression. Still feeling more stable than usual, I have to recognize that routine is not my friend and it really never has been. Going through the motions of life as usual doesn’t help me in any way. Combine that with the daily pain that I believe to be the outcome of trying to fight back, here I am. In a slump but not totally wrecked by my world. This is in fact my opinion but it just clicked in my head about what really caused all of this.

Truth of the matter: I’m burnt out. I’ve been saying I need a vacation for months. I’m trying to move ahead all systems go and I’m fighting myself in ways I didn’t realize until now. I want a company. I want to work for myself. I want to break the 9-5 grind that is my world. But I stopped having fun. I stopped being silly and playing with ideas and words and art. I stopped being myself in part of this. Granted I may be an art person and a creative person but I’m not the kind of person that oozes with creativity and produces art like their life depends on it.

I’m a logical creative that almost never seems to fit anyone’s mold. I wanted to start a company that allows for things that aren’t really the norm in society. I want to start a company that breaks the habit of society for the better. I want to prove to myself that I can really do something before I disprove myself and try to fight any potential momentum I’ve gained. Creating a movement or creating a change in any world is hard. Doing it in your own world is where you have to start and that’s what I just failed to do.

Yeah I failed. And it’s okay. That light bulb just went off.

I failed at putting the value of what I want to create into practice in my own life. …and there it is – my actual problem. I knew I wasn’t living the life I wanted because I wouldn’t have wanted to change it so drastically had it not been the case. I knew I wanted something different and some freedom, but I needed the financial freedom first. One step at a time I keep telling myself. But fuck… how many times do I have to tell myself I don’t follow rules and here I am trying to follow the rules. >thinks ‘you idiot,’ but smiles because now it makes sense<

Excuse me I’m being totally American over here. I’m taking all of the pleasure of creating my own freedom out of the equation of creating my own company. This is work yes, but it’s supposed to be fun. I love to create. I love to make things and use ideas and run with them. I even love to write and the last few days this blog has clearly not been written.

Still sitting at my desk at work laughing, I realize once again I’m standing in my own way. I’m making the things I like and the things I want, mundane, torturous work. Instead of looking at it as a way to talk to people and a way to improve my world, I’m caught in the sludge of someone else’s game. Ding ding ding, we have a winner the reason I’m tense, stressed and angry. I went from feeling in control and having fun and meeting new people and doing new things to being bogged down by so much shit that I’m sitting in my soul sucking job telling myself to suck it up and actually forcing myself to for the first time in my life.

I’ve taken bigger risks with less. I’ve taken risks with more. But a risk in this sense needs to be taken nonetheless. This 9-5 needs to go. The research and the building needs to be fun. It needs to be something I’m going to enjoy at least in some way. It needs to help me feel alive or it simply becomes part of the problem.

I’m so ready to change my world and have been so wanting to change but failing to realize that the action of changing relies in more than just me saying I will and hoping for the best. It takes more than taking a passive role in finding another job because this one isn’t terrible. I’ve been taking a passive role in my own life and I’ve been letting life happen to me not actually living.

Today starts a new week and I’m ready to make some changes. We’ll see what tomorrow brings. And we’ll see what I can do to make it better. I already have a few ideas.

Day 8: week one is over and I’m not as behind as I think. Some revelations make me feel like all of this is worth it after all and I have another piece of the puzzle.

Bring on day 9. I’m actually ready this time.

Day 5: solidifying my ideas in print

Okay so — here’s the earth… dayum. Oops wrong thing.. or is it?

I’ve been thinking about the way we life our lives these days. There seems to be more and more turmoil despite the studies that “show” there’s less overall crime. Granted we haven’t had a world war in the last 50 years despite many many conflicts and ridiculousness of the modern day imperialists but that’s another topic for another day…

In society today we’ve turned college into the newest $100,000 experience to which nothing thereafter is guaranteed. We’ve been told to take the right path. Act like adults etc. Some of the things I’ve been speaking about echo in my mind so my apologies. My point and business idea is to change exactly that.

I want to put fun into being an adult. I want to let kids be kids again if even for a few hours. I want to start a club. A community club, in which we all have a membership. We have classes to take that we can simply enjoy and we can take classes that propel us into our future. Education for the alternative student that isn’t going to stand for five figures in debt but will still like to continue their education. I’d like to offer classes in dance, art, technology, etc. I want kids and adults alike to propose projects and us to create them. I want to center education around the things we want and need to have in our lives that make us feel alive, ignite our passions and creativity and add value to an otherwise overworked world. If there becomes desire for a class, if enough people can show interest in it I want to offer it. I want to offer classes you can drop in and out of like you would at the gym. I want to offer classes that progress and allow you to keep moving toward a certificate or end of the year/level ceremony or presentation. I want to hold events to showcase what’s been worked on. I want to create a community of people who want to give to the community of people they exist within.

I’m going to need teachers. I’m going to need innovators. I’m going to need creatives and those passionate about making change. I want to give a voice to those that might not have had a chance at the same opportunities otherwise.

I may have lofty dreams, but what’s a dream if you’re not reaching for the moon or at the very least the stars.

I want to use the creative and marketing talents I have that I put to use in my current 9-5 job and break the habit of the status quo. I want to change the way we look at hobbies and education. I want to change the way we look at life. I know I’m far from the only one out there that feels this way, but I cannot do this alone. I am going to need help. I am in the planning and research stages of this. I am claiming this for the world to see and I am putting this idea out there whether it is I who pulls it off or not. It is something that seriously needs to be done and it needs to start now.

Look at your life, overall it probably isn’t that bad. But if the thought of spending 20-40 years of your life sitting at a desk working at a 9-5 job is something that comforts you, not sure how you find my writing appealing but you’re still welcome…. But if that same thought makes your soul cringe at the thought of spending one more day stuck in a situation that doesn’t benefit, suit or help you I ask you to join me. Let’s take this on together and try to make some major change. Let’s put human interaction back into our lives in another form than virtually. Let’s spend time on the things that make our hearts race. Let’s learn new things for the sake of learning and bettering ourselves rather than because we have to.

I want a place that allows people to come together from whatever background, religion, race, gender, socioeconomic status or Significant other preference and I want us to unite. Living is For Everyone – LIFE is what I intend to call this and it is something I firmly believe in. For those interested I would love feedback, comments or to open up a conversation. You can join me on facebook, you can follow me here or you can reach out to me personally.

Day 5: claiming my ideas for the world. Day 6: research, plan, repeat.


Day 4: it’s okay to skip a day

Ironically, practicing what I preach was not on the agenda for the day yesterday. That being said I’ve been trying to do a lot of things lately and I’ve been forcing myself into it more often than not. To me this is a sign of a depressive state rearing it’s head, but for the first time I’m catching it and recognizing it within a week of it happening.

Sometimes we wish for the world. We dream and chase and take risks to get those dreams. But sometimes we really just need to stand still and allow ourselves to be. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that we’re human, we make mistakes, we can make mistakes, we get to fuck up and get fucked up. Sometimes we need to escape our emotions or our mental state. Sometimes we need to learn from it.

I’m someone who’s always held themselves to a high standard because normal isn’t something that’s ever really been in my vocabulary. Becoming less jaded and changing back from someone I didn’t like to someone I do like was not easy; is not easy. But slipping back into the person I didn’t like yet was walking through life for years prior, does not go away just like that. Like anything it takes work, time and effort.

With starting a business that is centered around taking care of yourself, whether it be by wants, needs, life balance, hobbies etc, I still need to practice what I preach. And yesterday I needed to rest. I needed to turn off the outside world. I needed to admit what wasn’t and isn’t working, what is irrational and what I can do to wake up tomorrow without the guilt of resting today.

In the U.S. we’re always seeking more. More time off. More money. More sleep. More shoes. More work. More alcohol. More. More. More. We don’t stop and realize that we have more than enough in some aspects and the need for more in others is greatly underrepresented. More peace, more balance, more love, more self love, etc. We’re so bent on more pizza and then when we eat it we’re bent on more self loathing over the fact that our pants don’t fit. We can’t have it both ways unless you put in more work at the gym. We call it cheating. We should call it living. Being human. Or something of the like. We keep score against ourselves. But the problem with keeping score is no one ever wins when you keep score in life. The rules don’t work that way.

We need to acknowledge that some days are better than others. We need to take mental health days when we need to take mental health days. We need to push ahead all systems go when we can. We need to realize that despite having a dream and wanting it now, we have to do more to get more.

Life really is an adventure, despite being hard at best. But we can do so many things if we take control over ourselves and what we really want. We can figure out our own idiosyncrasies and what makes us feel guilty, happy, sad, alive, in love, creative, passionate you get the point.

Day 4: cutting myself some slack.

Bring on day 5: solidifying my ideas in print.

Day Two: Ideas for a new world one business at a time

I grew up in a loving family, parents still married, 4 bedroom house with a pool, Central New York State, big Italian/Lebanese family, surrounded by family friends, friends and relatives at all times. Life was simpler 20+ years ago. Times have changed and so have we.

We’re now in the position that when a “kid” chooses to go to college they’re more likely than not going to end up 5 figures in debt with a 10-15 year  loan payment prison sentence as the pay off. When a kid makes a friend, they’re on facebook, instagram, twitter, snapchat, etc and you’re not only on blast for everyone but everyone is trying to be the next viral thing because that’s the only way anyone actually seems to get attention. When a kid tries to learn something new, they have to be the next prodigy or they’re not taken seriously. When a kid becomes a young adult, they’re held back, told they’re entitled, shoved aside, pushed and pulled in every direction, trying to figure out who they are while simultaneously being told they’re both a kid (grow up) or an adult (be responsible). As a young adult, we’re trying to do the best we know how by learning that as an adult no one really has this figured out. Yet we’re all people and the morals and values we’ve been raised with are both different and the same as our parents. The biggest difference is the world we’ve inherited and the times in which we’ve grown. Lost in translation to those before us we’re trying to make this world a better place for us all.

Always at odds the Millennials and the Baby Boomers seem to both be screaming “help” but neither side is listening. As their children and grandchildren we’re looked at as entitled, yet have a higher cost of living with lower wages. We’re struggling to have health care and not die from the flu. We’re trying to be educated when nothing is guaranteed and costs are outrageous. We’re trying to break the status quo of what once was because we can’t afford to sit here and do nothing – literally we can’t afford it. We’re trying to attain the American dream of a house we can call our own, maybe a marriage if we’re not still scarred overall from the divorce rate or the dating scene, and someday when we can actually afford to feed ourselves with something other than a credit card, maybe children of our own.

To say I wasn’t a child of privilege would be a lie. But to say I had the world at my feet with every possibility, is also a lie. We all have choices to make and different paths in life available to us. We can work hard and change our situation but we are so conditioned to see or not see what really makes differences in our lives and in our world. We all have this weird amalgamous mixture that makes up our self, but no one is willing to listen to anyone else about what might help or hurt them, make them love, bring them peace and joy, cause them harm and pain, etc. We’re all fighting each other for ourselves. And when we try to unite to make a change by form of protest, march, writing, speeches, outrage, decency, we’re thwarted and put down. We need to stop and realize that LIFE…. that Living… Living… Is For Everyone.

Maybe I’m too much of a romantic or a dreamer and my head is too far in the clouds but I know more people than not that would like to see this world change for the better. I see people getting involved in politics and hoping to make change, I see people paying attention for the first time in a long time in hopes that something that has become a plague on us ceases to cause further harm and damage after this point.

I want to create a world, a place, a business that allows people to follow their passions, continue to learn about the things they love, want to know more about, are interested in and put them to use. I want that inner kid who looked at the world through unjaded and semi-unconditioned eyes to see how backwards we have become. I want this world to stop making jobs and work for the sake of work the newest form of slavery. I want a place that everyone can respect that the choices made by one person does not effect you. For example, if you’re not gay, don’t marry a person of the same sex. If you’re anti-abortion, don’t have one. If you’re against guns, don’t own one. If you’re favorite donut is the glazed but the guy in front of you in line orders a Boston Creme you don’t get mad at him for it do you? I want a world where we can talk about our opinions as opinions. Not with the hopes of trying to change the other person’s views for the sake of doing so.

I want an alternative education center that allows for people to not only be free to find themselves, but to share (if they see fit) their time, themselves and their accomplishments with others. I want to break the habit of the status quo and forge a new world that will allow us to really thrive. I want to bring back the American Dream and make it attainable for whoever has the balls to reach out and take it. Life is hard at best. People are assholes. People are selfish. People are the reason we have the world we do for good and bad. People are the only way this world can change.

The minute the Women, the Millennials, the Boomers, the Children, the Men, the LGBTQ, (any groups) unite is the minute we start changing what no longer fits our needs.

Whether you agree with me or not, would you rather live in a world that you walk through with anxiety because you can’t afford a home or an apartment, you’re wondering if your cell phone or home system is listening to you, your job is sucking out your soul and your life energy, or you’re anticipating that the guy next to you at Denny’s is carrying a gun and is about to shoot everyone in the place like a scene out of Pulp Fiction? Or would you rather stop to think about living in a world filled with love; real love? Not the crazy, fucked up, toxic, addictive kind… the easy, lights up your soul, makes you feel wanted, needed and successful kind. Would you rather walk through life with happiness and contentment with yourself or fear and anger for those who are different than you? We’re living in an all connected world because of technology. We’re living in an age where people aren’t even trying to hide their pure hatred for other living beings, but insist on having control over what others want to do with their bodies.

It is more than time to change. It is more than time to remake and reforge what it means to be a community. What it means to learn and educate ourselves. What it means to follow your heart’s desire and passions. If we lived in a world where people were actually trying to achieve their passions overall we’d all be a lot less pissed off at each other for thinking they’re taking something from us, whether that is the truth or not.

So let me ask you this…. when do we all stop being disgruntled toddlers in a candy store and when do we realize that there’s a store full of candy that can feed and fuel us all?

Day two: welcome to my thoughts.

Day three… practicing what I preach.

I’m Back… Challenge Two: Creating a Company

Hey everyone, I’m back. Here goes another challenge I’m putting forth to myself. Before I was trying to break the habits and barriers of my status quo. I made some changes and I’ve done some things to become more of the person I want to be. I know this will always be a work in progress, but I want to focus my writing this time on really changing my situation and creating a company for myself and others.

I was recently going through some ridiculousness and really wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do. I was caught in this bored, but exhausted cycle and I had to realize as much as I want to push forward I still need to almost force myself to relax. In the last few months I’ve started my own company. I’ve been working on things in multiple ways and I’m trying to break free of my 9-5 grind. I’ve been making it a priority to read 1 book per month that will help me move forward and if nothing at the very least they keep my mind occupied in the boredom that is my day job. I’ve since asked to work remotely twice a week and it has been granted on a temporary basis – woohoo! I’m getting to know the person who shook my world for the better. And I’m learning how easy things can really be if you don’t stand in your own way.

At the beginning of this year, I was going crazy with my living situation, job, business, reeling from going to NY and flailing about making somewhat wrong decisions to escape the shit I’m in… Since then I’ve realized I try to escape a lot more than I thought and sometimes it works to my advantage, but sometimes it kicks me in the ass. We all have our tendencies and abilities to fuck ourselves up but this is one I’m going to start paying more attention to. That’s how I ended up here: challenge #2.

I took some time to figure out where I really want to go in all of this. I’ve realized that as much as I can’t stand the boredom that is my job and the clash that has become my business plus my day job in an emotional state as one, that day job needs to remain my stability. Stability is something I’ve attained for the first time in my life. I fell over it sometime during the first challenge I wrote and it is something I intend on keeping.

I’m going to challenge myself to another 90 days of being accountable for myself, my business, my wants, thoughts, goals etc. It may seem like a huge undertaking, but honestly I find that I actually pay more attention to myself and my wants when I have to write about them. I find that I am actually more apt to do what it is that I say or put the things I want to accomplish into practice if I share them with “the world.” I don’t mean, I want the status update of “shower, work, dinner with bestie, sleep, hmu” type of remark… but rather the overall pieces that go into a life, the philosophies and thoughts that go through my head as well as any advice I might seek, and progression on goals I wish I accomplish. If you’ve shared this journey with me so far, I thank you. If you’re just tuning in, great to have you here. As always everything I write is up for conversation.

That being said, this was day 1: restarting accountability to myself.

Onto day two: Ideas for a new world one business at a time. 



Day 87: things are falling into place

This week is shaping up to be a pretty good week. I think as I draw nearer to the end of this self proclaimed challenge, I’m going to embark on another one. I think I’m going to do a smaller challenge this time, because as much as I feel like I need time to progress, I need to set some short term goals to change my status quo into something that makes me my best me and makes me feel like I’m making at least some progress consistently.

I’ve dealt with depression most of my life. I’ve dealt with anxiety over the last few years. Things fluctuate constantly and the level of insanity is all over the place, or at least I feel it is. Consistently inconsistent is a phrase I’ve used far too many times. I’ve been struggling to find what it is that I really want in life and even going further to say what I really want in my personal life vs my professional life. I’m not moving as fast as I’d like but I’m getting there. Things change as I go along, but I keep trying new things and am getting closer from where I’m standing, or so it feels.

Some days I wish I was 20 again because the hurt and the pain of the last handful of years hadn’t happened and wasn’t weighing on me as it does now. But in the same breath I’m glad to be further along in the scheme of things. That being said, the person I had become was not the person that I wanted to be. It never was someone I wanted to be or even thought I would be. The issue was, I was in uncharted territory and I hadn’t achieved anything I had ever wanted to in life up to that point. I’m still slightly on the fence about achieving anything I’ve wanted in life, but I can feel the progress now and my approach to it all is slightly toned down. Actually that’s a lie, it’s completely turned up, but in a very different way.

I’ve been able to find happiness and contentment. I’ve been able to create a person I actually like myself being. I’ve been able to reclaim myself for myself in hopes of taking this person with me to move forward. I’ve realized I’ve never had role models in my life but I have to use “myself in 10 years” as a role model or something along those lines. Who I want to become in the future is the basis on who I want to start putting together now. The perspective that has come into my world and continues to do so on a daily basis is astounding. But I am looking for it.

I’m actively searching and trying new things. I’m listening to my own feelings and trying to figure out where my own boundaries lie. I feel like I’m trying to undo everything my life and childhood has instilled into me up until now. I feel like I’m trying to be something that doesn’t exist because the life I thought I’d have at this point couldn’t be further from existence. Not that any of that is a bad thing, but it is my reality.

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t hold onto the fantasies. I’ve been told to get my head out of the clouds. I’ve been told I’m too much. I’ve been told that the things I want aren’t attainable. I’ve been told a lot of shit. I’ve been told to follow my dreams. I’ve been supported in following my dreams, but not until recently. I’ve been given a lot of advice. And I’ve turned a lot of it down.

We’re preached to by so many people on any given day. We’re shown the way of someone else more often than not. But what I’ve come to realize is that, no one really has the answers to this. No one really has any clue what they’re doing whether they’re an adult or not. Everyone has their own faltering insecurities and successes and everyone has their own truth.

I have been and done a lot of things in my life. I’ve done everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life and then some up until this point with a couple of exceptions because the time for those has not yet come to pass. I know I make things harder for myself. And I know that I could have done things a million different ways, but I didn’t. And the point is, I wouldn’t have.

I told a friend of mine the other day that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, because if you weren’t here you’d be somewhere else. That might be confusing, but think about it. If you weren’t supposed to be here… You wouldn’t be. As much as we have options and the abilities to change and grow and adapt and progress and falter and fail and anything else you can think of…. to a point we are exactly where we’re supposed to be. Life has to teach us something in this moment and we have to pay attention.

I was never meant to be a grow up, get a job, stay there for 20 years, get married, pop out some kids, run of the mill person. While those things are all good things to want, have or excel towards, they are not my world. I’d love to get married and have a family some day, but that is not “my life.”  I would love to have a job I could do long term, but I hate working for people and the only way that will happen is if I create the company myself. Which I am actually in the process of doing.

I still have dreams and goals and “regular things” I want, but normal is something I’ve never known and I finally had to accept that about myself. I’m not most people. I don’t talk like them. I don’t act like them. I don’t care to be like everyone else. People have never been able to define me. I have to start realizing my own advice and seeing that I am those things for a reason. Accepting myself for who I am and for what I am, is a huge piece of the puzzle for me. It isn’t something I’ve ever done. It isn’t something I’ve ever really put much stock into before. That is about to change, it has been changing.

When we define ourselves we lock ourselves into our own version of what we think we are… we don’t have to do that, but we have to know ourselves enough to realize where our hurt, pain, love, hope, joy etc comes from if we aren’t the type of people that can just walk through life and have things work out “normally.”

I feel like we’re in the middle of a worldly shift and those becoming adults and claiming their identity for the world to see are on the verge of transcendence. We no longer have typical gender roles or rules to follow. We broke the rules and almost anything goes, while not everything may be accepted there is definitely a new normal. It’s time to create something new, but we have to start within ourselves.

This is how I’m starting. Change is coming. It’s always upon us. I’m trying to use it for good for once. I’m trying not to hold and squeeze onto my thoughts, feelings and desires so tight that I squeeze the life from myself again. I no longer want to fight. I just want to be me and that is enough. We spend so much time fighting for what we think we want that we lose what we might actually need. I’m trying to fix that for myself, because it’s long overdue. But it’s time.

Day 87: feeling good about life, thinking about the new moon, gearing up for my birthday next week. Trying to take it all in.