Day 51: a fine line

There’s a fine line between the best and worst pieces of your life. There’s a fine line between love and hate in regards to yourself. There’s a fine line between failure and success. And that line only exists where your definition draws the line.

With time and patience and a little mix of crazy I keep moving forward. Knowing I’ve been in far worse places mentally, emotionally, and physically, this year has still probably been my hardest to deal with yet. I had to toe the line of staying in a place I’ve dreamt about living since the age of 10 and going back to NY to stay. The fact that I say back doesn’t fit, there is no going back. There is only forward. But geographically back probably would have killed me. And I’m not being dramatic.

I spent a very long time being stuck. The best thing I’ve learned this year wasn’t getting unstuck, it was knowing when to say enough. It was learning and practicing when to back off or move forward when I needed to, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I’m about there now with this current position. Knowing that everything is temporary and that things can always get worse I’m not going to jump until I know I have something else in the wings… but I haven’t had this job 90 days and I spend almost everyday doing something to keep my brain occupied and my heart at ease that has nothing to do with the job.

Here’s where the line gets drawn… This morning was a real struggle. I didn’t want to get out of bed. In fact I laid in bed an extra 15 minutes because I felt like it. I fought myself to brush my teeth. I fought myself to put pants on. I sat on my bed half dressed asking myself do I really have to do this. Eventually I got up and did it. I went to work. I landed an $8500 a month contract for the next six months, which is more than they pay me in a year and the struggle continued. Throughout my day in a complete haze I found a middle ground. I talked to a few friends of mine and that helped. And then I lightened up a bit and it was like the damn sun came out. Days like these used to wreck me. The days of shadow ever loomed overhead. They’d go on in a never ending cycle and I wouldn’t ever be aware of the next sunny day until it slapped me with a sunburn.

Whether its because I now live in the land of perpetual summer or the fact that I’m probably more consistently happy now than I’ve ever been in my life, my sunny days seem to negate the shadow’s reach. And this time I have sunscreen. I’m not choosing happiness anymore than I ever chose depression, but I’m choosing to breathe and let out what I need and express myself to myself. I’m allowing myself to feel the value and worth within based on me and a few people that have surprised the shit out of me in the last few weeks. I keep finding more and more people to add to the circle and I love it. I’m not only getting attention from myself in a way I never have, I’m getting attention from people in a way I never have. These aren’t the people nor are they the relationships I once knew. They’re not the ones where you’re always at arm’s length despite owning the title of best friend and then blamed when their life goes up in flames.

I am so fucking stupidly happy I am not in that place of my life anymore. I am so fucking stupidly happy that I am not that girl anymore. Not quite at the point of self love, still dealing with weeding out some masochistic tendencies… And the whole play on the word deserve seems to ring in my ears… but that’s a story for another day.

Today I crossed my line multiple times. But I’m okay. Tomorrow is another day. I won’t be doing this job for much longer. I’m going to continue to learn where the lines truly lie. And when they don’t fit anymore I’ll move them accordingly. You’re the one that draws the lines. You’re the one with the power and control to move them. Be kind to yourself and find which ones can help and which ones will hurt when crossed.

Failure is not the opposite of success. It takes failures to reach success. It takes loss to find gain. It takes pain to find happiness. It takes heartbreak to find love. The line is almost non-existent because life doesn’t exist only in black and white. Sometimes the grey area kills me. Sometimes it is where I thrive most. Find your balance. See where you end up.

Day 51: whether the line is drawn in sand or stone it will somehow, someway be crossed.

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Day 48: Finding My People

I made a new friend yesterday because of the groups I’m involved in online. We spent almost 2 hours chatting and getting to know each other. The more we talked, the more I told stories and she told stories and we just learned from each other. From travels to jobs to breaking the habit of the old status quo and making ourselves a new one, we spoke of what drives us and how we’ve gotten here.

It made me realize that I know way more than I give myself credit for. When you talk to the right people it makes you realize how much better things can be mentally and emotionally. It makes you realize that when you talk to people that have similar wants, needs and interests you feel a lot less crazy. I know it makes perfect sense, but take it from someone who has been talking and co-existing with all of the wrong people, it’s hard to find and harder to realize that it is exactly what you need.

Learning is a process, life is a process. Everything in life is temporary. Yet we always get attached to something. Whether it’s good or bad that’s out for debate. We’re at a turning point in society whether we realize it yet or not. Technology is slowly taking over the world and jobs and everything that goes with it. The traditional route of work till you die at the same company and they’ll be loyal doesn’t work nor does it really happen anymore.

The “right path” is not one specific path that the majority of people can take and become successful or build a life for themselves. The right path is the one that is right for you and  that being said the right path is knowing that everything you do is a risk. Whether you stay here or go there, whether you choose to jump or not you risk staying in a place you don’t want to be because it’s safe or you risk the unknown because you owe it to yourself. Risk is involved.

I’ve taken a lot of risks. I’m typically always willing to risk everything for something else because until now, my life has been riddled with not belonging, feeling useless or not good enough and depression and anxiety. My life is no longer that. I am no longer that girl. I choose not to be that girl again. I choose to be this girl, the one who believes in herself and the energies of the world around her conspiring to help achieve what I want and ask for. Whether silly or not it’s been working for me. And I also didn’t get here alone. That’s the key difference. I’ve spent so much time trying to do this alone it doesn’t work. Finding the right people is crazy hard, but it happens. Frequency and vibration is huge in my life right now and I’m grateful for it.

That being said, I’m not a think happy thoughts and you’ll be happy believer. But once you awaken the energy of happiness and being alive and thriving you’ll feel the difference. Once you make the jump and take the risk on yourself, give yourself credit for the work you have done whether you’ve succeeded or not and learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect but trying to be who and what you want, life no longer looks the same. Life no longer is the same. I might wake up tomorrow and want to lay in bed all day and end up in a slump, but I let myself have the day. I let myself just be what I’m going to be. It’s a completely different perspective. But now it’s mine and I’ll take it.

Day 48: making my circle bigger in the best ways. Finding bliss one step at a time.

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Day 45: Whoa, I’m halfway there…

Ah the power of music. Keeping the good times going. Breaking free of the monotony slightly. I’m shaking things up again. No surprises there as I’m typically all over the place. I want to dance again and I’m sick of “waiting until I’m in shape.” I know it’s going to hurt physically, but bring it on! It’s time to have some fun and explore this city more.

I’m still floating on air. It’s a wonderful thing. I’m in a very let it be state these days and I’m going to take it as long as it lasts.

I’ve noticed a huge shift for myself in the last few weeks. It was brought out by another person, but it was one of those moments that slaps you awake at the best possible time. The moment that proves to you that you’re exactly where you need to be. As much as I’m always wondering what’s next and almost failing to revel in the accomplishments of the moment, I’m going with it. I’ve seen this person again, but I still have no idea where any of it stops and starts.

I’m just taking things in and taking them all for what they are and I’m going from there. Being a person who’s dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life, this happiness thing really is almost too good to be true. But I love it. It’s crazy to think that people typically feel this good everyday and I just hadn’t for so long that I didn’t know what I was missing. Now I do. Now I don’t want to let it go. Maybe it’s that much sweeter because it’s new, but it is very sweet.

I’m ready to take a road trip to San Diego because I really like a few stores in Old Town and I want to go back there, just because I can. I’m ready to take a dance class because I’m not worried about being in pain or giving a shit about what others think. I’m ready to buy a plane ticket to Italy for a month again. I’m just ready for what comes next. I have no idea what it is. I’m not really trying to figure it out in a typical for me way – I like this new person I’m being. I think I’m going to keep being her for a while.

Honestly, using my time wisely, stopping to enjoy and be in the moment and trying to make some extra cash flow are now my top three goals. I want to plan my Italy Trip. I still want to go and it is going to happen. This is my promise to myself. I want to have a savings. And I just want to enjoy myself full force. Instead of falling full force into the world of crazy that typically exists in my head, I want to revel in the world around me like I’ve started to. I’m going to try to keep it that way and that’s all I can ask.

Day 45: I wanna dance.

 

 

Day 25: Learning to Redefine

In the last year I’ve been really re-thinking what it means to live. The expectations I once had of a house, a savings, a specific place to call home, a significant other, a potential family… the list goes on… Isn’t what I find myself wanting, at least not in the same way I once did.

My versions of home, and a potential family have changed to say the least. I’ve grown up a lot and I’ve grown a lot. What I want or thought I would have by this point in my life is not even close to what I have. What I want is not even close to what I have either. I do want a house and a place to call home, but even the idea of being “stuck” anywhere drives me insane. The thought of building a life I have to vacate to enjoy is not something I want and I never really looked at it that way until this last leap of faith.

Even the version of love I once had in my head…. not even close. You never love anyone the same way as someone else. You can’t. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t even have the same relationship with yourself now as you did years ago. Things are meant to change. They’re meant to progress however you’re willing to take that, take it as you see fit. What I want from my house now isn’t what I ever wanted from a house previously. I want a place to call my own. I want financial stability and the ability to do what I want when. I used to attach finances to freedom. While they play a large role, they are not the only variable. Why do we become so attached to things and yet not realize that it’s the way we feel in regards to those things that make us attached?

When you make an impulse buy, happiness, thrill. When you fall in love, butterflies, thrills. When you do something you’re afraid of, anxiety, thrill. We’re constantly acting to do things that make us feel alive. That make us feel in a specific way whether we realize it or not. I’ve spent the majority of my life suppressing emotion and not knowing what it means to feel. I’ve done it to the point where people now think I’m too emotional because it’s 20 years of repression bursting out at once. In my reality, it’s me trying to find a life I actually want to live. One that I don’t have to pay off $80,000 in loans from degrees that really wont ever pay off. Or $6,000 in credit card debt because you had to eat and pay bills for 6 months without a job.

The thing about any decision or any emotion, you can and have the right to change your mind. You have the ability to become attached or not. Why don’t we look at it that way?

I was talking to a friend earlier today about the differences between strength and weakness. Emotion is often seen as feminine and weak… but being able to express yourself, cry, let the hurt go, love, etc, is the opposite of weakness. It is strength. Showing empathy is strength. Saying no, quitting a job that is sucking out your soul, seeking help for depression, anxiety or anything else that you need that you can’t solve yourself, is strength. Knowing yourself well enough to realize you need help and can’t get out of this by yourself is not in any way shape or form a weakness. Being pushed too far and not being happy anymore and thus deciding to change, is not a weakness. So why do we treat them as such?

Typically we treat things or people that are different than we are as something they’re not because we don’t understand. But emotions are something we all feel. Emotions are something we all base our lives and decisions on. So why do we set such rigid standards? Emotions aren’t logic. They do not have to make sense. In fact it is in their nature not to. They’re matters of the heart. They’re gut reactions. They’re intuition. Whatever you want to call it.

When you define yourself, and set expectations for yourself and you don’t end up where you want to be or who you want to be, you could call it failure. Or you could re-assess and re-define what those things actually mean to you. What is love to me? What is home? What does family mean? Friendship? Self worth? Happiness? Success? How do you know if you’ve achieved those things if you don’t first know what they feel like or know what you’d like them to feel like?

I thought that California was going to be a new chapter for me. I lost a lot of bad that had come into my life and I’m more than grateful for it. The downside, I haven’t replaced it with anything. I lost the bad, but I didn’t just gain the good because the bad was no longer there. I have emptiness in my life, to the point of clinging to a version of the past I wasn’t okay with but wasn’t at war with either. That’s not okay with me. My status quo is in question because I the things I wanted in the insanity are still things I want whether defined the same or not. And I still don’t have any of them.

I’m starting to realize that the way of life I thought existed no longer does. That the way I thought I would experience doesn’t stand a chance. And those aren’t bad things. They just – are. I need to create the good. I need to create the fun. I need to create the love and the money and anything else I might want. How is always the question. Why is always a question that can be answered with because I want to. And the ones that don’t understand can be thwarted with the fact that they don’t have to.

If your life doesn’t make sense the way it is, if it doesn’t make you happy, if you don’t have what you want, reassess; redefine. What does being alive mean to you? What does feeling alive mean to you? If today was your last day to live, what would you want to do? How would you spent your time?

Day 25: time is like money, but it can only be spent and not earned. Are you spending it wisely?

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Day 16: One day at a Time

My heart and head are constantly at war and I never know which way to choose anymore. I keep trying to follow my heart, but trying to tune out all the unsolicited advice from others and my head… I only end up being more annoyed and more confused.

My heart misses NY and would kill to be in a bar with the best pizza and chicken wings in front of my face. Then I think about traveling and that makes me happy. And I think about actually having a life and making a life I love in this place and that feels right too. What the fuck am I doing? How do I mesh them to “get them all.” Can I? Do I even try? Should I? Is it all just timing?

If so, I seriously need to reprogram myself to take one day at a time. I think my brain processes a lifetime in a day. Not sure if it’s good or bad, but depending on the day it’s both and it’s too much. I just know things definitely need to change.

I made it through my fifth week of work today and It drove me insane. When you consistently have nothing to do and you get mansplained to more than once it’s not okay. When you start googling: “when do you know if its time to leave a job”… I think it’s time to go.

People keep telling me to give it a chance. To take my time and get acclimated. The list goes on. I know I work quickly, but I shouldn’t be done with the work I have to do by 9am when I get in at 8. It’s a smaller company and I’m basically my own department, yet there still isn’t enough for me to do on any given day. I’ve asked once a week since I started for more work and to no avail has my boredom been assuaged; haven’t been given more work. I’ve exceeded their sales quotas for October, November and have half of December and January sold along with landing an account they couldn’t get in the past… Never done a sales job, but apparently I’m too good…clearly this position and I aren’t a good fit. Okay complaining time over.

I did some travel researching and found out flights are actually a lot cheaper than I thought. Maybe I’ll move up this trip and the minute I find a remote job, just freaking go for it. I really have no passion, zest or motivation to be here anymore. The fantasy in my head allows it to work, but it’s a bubble. Something that is and can only be partially true until a point. Too many variables make a life. And I don’t want to worry about more than half of them anymore. I want to have freedom, fun and passion in my world. Today I woke up thinking… I can’t wait until I can come home and go to bed tonight. – Yeah something’s wrong.

Italy, England & Bali, New Orleans, New York, and maybe I’ll decide to keep wandering after that. Honestly… this whole thing sounds crazy to me half the time but I’d much rather do this than anything else right now. This truly excites me. This makes me feel like I’m living on purpose rather than just letting time pass me by.

It’s one thing to let time pass when you’re doing things you at least somewhat enjoy. It’s another thing to keep bashing your head against a wall until you drown out both your head and your heart. I understand “doing what you have to do…” but at what cost does it become unacceptable? I was grappling with this literal issue last year. I was in the same exact fucking place with a career. And people were saying the same fucking bullshit. It wasn’t acceptable then it still is NOT now. Period.

Honestly, I may need help. And I may be afraid of failing, but I keep consistently trying. I’m not afraid to take the risk, when it does or doesn’t pay off it doesn’t entirely matter because I actually tried. When I get pushed too far into the crap of complacency and monotony I get apathetic towards life and everything around me goes to shit. The difference now, I’m reeling through the cycle that once took me years in days. The wind up and the fall out happen within a week if not less. Sometimes it only takes a day.

I’m not trying to drive myself crazy. That was never the intention. I don’t have friends that are actually on this coast. I have people I know from my past life that really don’t fucking get it. And I have people from a past life that maybe shouldn’t even be around anymore. I’ve been hurting when it comes to the loneliness but I’m still somehow surrounded by the wrong people. They’re either the wrong ones or they’re not there at all. No in between. I’m not a victim. I’m not looking for pity I’m just writing out my own thoughts… so take that last part as you wish.

I’m not trying to be anyone or anything I’m not and unlike everyone else playing the game of bullshit,  I choose to play the opposite. To those that keep giving me advice, stop trying to make me someone I’m not. Stop telling me what to do. I am becoming who I want to be and I am going to do it my way whether that’s something you believe I should do or not, because it’s not your life to live. Whether you mean well or not – stop it. Please.

If I’ve learned anything from the last two years, it’s that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to find love. I deserve to love myself. I deserve to love my life. I deserve to have the body I want. I deserve to have the job I want. I deserve to have pretty much anything I can think of because it is up to me to get it and it is that simple.

With the typing of that last sentence my heart and my body actually feel lifted and lighter. It seems to me I already know what I need. It’s time to go get it.

Day 16: Trying to run in a million directions but re-learning how to focus, attempting to take only one day at a time.

 

 

Day 10: Not an Average Saturday

Honestly, I don’t think I could want this anymore than I do now. The anxiety of the status quo and the crap everyone else says just doesn’t work for me. I’m never going to be comfortable with a debt sentence. And I shouldn’t fucking have to be. Period. No one should have to be, it isn’t acceptable. This is me getting clear on what I want and processing the things I need to actually focus on achieving it.

Today I woke up early and put some things in place to make some changes. I signed up for freelancing opportunities and am going to create some pitches to see if I can get myself some extra cashflow.

I’ve said it before, people don’t have to understand you to support you. I’m echoing in my own head at this moment and almost constantly these days. I need to keep taking my own advice. Ten years from now I don’t want to be strapped to a desk with $20k left in student loans, no house and no 401k. I don’t need a 401k to be happy if I can have the money saved in general… but shit man…. do the math; you have to have $1.5 million in a 401k plan if you retire at 65 and plan to live another 15 years. That is if you assume you’re living on a budget of $100,000 a year. I don’t know anyone who’s actually put that in an account and has it laying around. And I know I don’t have the ability to even try to get there from where I’m standing. Oh yeah and – I don’t plan on waiting my entire life to live it. I don’t plan on paying for my student loans for another 10 years. I don’t plan on living paycheck to paycheck for more than the next 6 months and it’s because I shouldn’t fucking have to.

Now is the time in my life that I have to say to myself you should or shouldn’t fucking have to depending on what it is. Now is the time to break my own expectations and make change. Change that I want. Change that I can benefit from. I’ve always been a weird, nonconformist but it blows my mind when it comes to the way society malfunctions. We need to change ourselves to benefit ourselves. The cost of living and the expectations of the now non-existent American dream have been raised and taken from us. We have to make our own world and take back our freedom. If we don’t do it for ourselves no one else will.

Find the fight within and take what it is that you want to succeed and build from it. Take the trip. Take the risk. Tackle the problem. Do what you have to do. Whether you need to be more disciplined or not… find a fucking way to be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. I feel alive right now, but not in an edge of your seat, omg pinch me kind of way. I feel awake. I feel like I’m in a position to make change and that I’m not going to let life just happen to me anymore. I am not just doing 1 job and hoping for the best. I will do what I have to, to get the things that I want.

I will finally sacrifice my time in hopes of building myself the life of my dreams. I will find a way to have my own company, my own house, a debt free existence, and the ability not to have to answer to anyone but myself. I will be damned if I sit here and listen to those who do not understand what it means to live a life without debt and let them dictate my future.

This is not the world of the 50s, 60s or 70s. Everyone has to work, but I don’t have to settle. In fact I refuse to. I settled for this last job I took, but right now I’m going to leverage my position and see where I can go from here. Now that I have a consistent cashflow what comes next? Another job, a better paying gig I can do remotely? A way to make money from wherever I want to be. A way to build and gain skills  I will actually need to start and run my company.

I am the revolutionary, visionary, crazy maker of my life and I’m finally taking responsibility for it all. Mind, body, soul, dreams, hopes, goals, all of it is mine. This is it people… don’t be bystanders to your own life and expect to get what you want.

I’ve always hated the word deserve because I always thought it was a fucked up way to keep score of who is and isn’t good, bad, or worthy. Take it from someone who has confidence, but has finally figured out your worth is truly dictated by yourself… don’t get caught in the trap. If you trap yourself getting out is a bitch and I speak from experience.

Never in a million years did I ever think I would be sitting here thinking or writing about these things. Never in a million years did I think I would want half the shit I do. I’m a traditionalist and not, all in the same breath. I am finding my own way and I am going to make it mine. No one else has to understand. No one else even needs to know. Be true to you. Figure out what it is that you want. Don’t apologize for being yourself, don’t be afraid to let yourself be yourself. If you want to conform, sorry you’re reading the wrong blog. If you want to be somewhere else, do something else, achieve something else — go out there and try it. Take action -fucking go for it. What have you got to lose? Do something you’re afraid of today. Go out and live. I know I’m going to.

Day 10: Going into the world because I owe it to me to do so.

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Day 8: Divulging a Life

I had an entirely different post written before I realized all I was doing was complaining about how people don’t get it. But ya know what?! They really freaking don’t have to. Yes, we want support in life, but “they” don’t have to understand you to support you. And I tend to keep forgetting that I’m not your average person because I just don’t think like most. It doesn’t make sense to me to do half the things people do on a daily basis… if they aren’t either making you happy or helping you in some way, why do it? I understand necessary evils, but you can always make a change. I’m a status quo questioner and that’s the exact reason I’ve ended up here.

I want to stop talking about all the things I’m going to do in life and actually do them. I want to really experience what life has to offer rather than waiting until I retire to actually feel alive. What I want is freedom of the ultimate kind and I know I’m not the only one. There’s millions of us searching for our happiness in the only way we know how, by doing it and hoping for the best. That’s what life is, despite all the crazy that tends to come along for the ride.

I stopped following the “path” the minute I graduated college. I didn’t know what came next and I didn’t know where to go from there other than the old standby of “get a job, make money, till you die.” I’m clearly paraphrasing, but I’m sure you can understand or have heard that to an extent. I’m sitting here googling flight prices and travel cards and storage units for my apartment of stuff and ways to make extra income and putting together a timeline in which I’d like to actually see myself in a life I’ve come to make.

I don’t have the money to buy my own house. I barely have enough money to pay for all my bills. I do side things here and there but trading time for money at a 9-5 is almost a new way of indentured slavery. Gone are the days of 20+ years of working at the same company with loyalty from both sides and that’s okay, because I wouldn’t want it anyway.

I actually feel excited by looking at tickets. I feel excited when I can talk to someone I’m passionate about and they get passionate too. Even if we’re on opposing sides. I’m ready to actually feel like I’m a part of this world; my world. I’m ready to put my lack of money where my mouth is again and really live. I’m doing things differently for myself for the first time and I’m (freaking out), partially loving every minute.

My timeline is about a 6 month period. Overall I plan on:

  • Taking every side gig I can to save 10k in 6 months. Which equates to me trying to make 2k a month extra for 5 months.
  • Use the money I have from my regular job to pay for everything and then some
  • Put extra money down on my student loans so I can buy my financial freedom back
  •  Getting a remote job so I can keep working while traveling but not having to worry about going broke at every turn

In the first 3 months I hope to:

  • Have two/three consistent side gigs
  • A remote job or a few prospects
  • My first plane tickets out of the country and my first place to stay booked
  • An itinerary of places to go, see, explore and enjoy in 3 major areas.

What I hope to take from this experience is pure unadulterated bliss. Too much? I guess I’ll find out. The places I want to go are New Orleans (already planned trip with friends), England, Italy, and Bali. I feel like I’m doing my own Eat, Pray, Love, but honestly it couldn’t feel more right to me than it does at this point in time.

I’ve been struggling to exist here and people keep asking me where else I want to live. But when talking of moving, there’s nowhere else in this country I’ve wanted to live that I haven’t already or that I ever actually wanted to stay in. This is my next step. This is my journey. Whether I come back to stay in California, that is a decision not yet made, but nothing is ever permanent.

Day 8: One day, or day one? Let’s go day 1 (8)

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