Day 60: I’ve been doing this wrong

You know when you have those epiphany moments and you realize how wrong you’ve been about things. Well maybe not wrong, but how off and so far from the mark you’ve been…

I’ve had a few of those in the last week and they’ve been wonderful. Complete awakening moments of holy shit man, this is crazy. And I’ve loved every minute.

This year I told myself I have to read a minimum of 12 books (one a month). Most of the books I’ve been choosing to read have been books that help you try to find yourself, or books that make you rethink your own status quo. They’re not the typical kinds of books I read, so I tried to approach them with openness. I’d say that these books, in combination with a few other practices I’ve welcomed into my world, have allowed me to change in ways I never experienced before.

I’ve been happier than I think I ever have been in my life – in the last month.

I’m doing things differently and catching myself when things start to turn. I’ve been shaken and stirred and am still trying to settle into the person I’m choosing to be, but I’m in a completely different headspace than I was less than 6 months ago. There’s a few things that have changed within me and there are a lot of things I just stopped holding against myself. To say that it’s been a progressional year and a long time coming are understatements. To say that it was any one thing, would be a lie.

Honestly it sounds silly but I am so stupid happy right now I really don’t care about anything else. The wrong that once existed is in the past and I’m over it. Things happen and come and go and I go with them. I have moments of not being this way and I don’t react the way I once did. I don’t slump like I once did. Even in the moments of irrational fear I have been catching myself and being able to change the dial back to happiness because of recognition of the irrationality. I can’t attribute this shift to any one thing, but I’m so fucking happy that its happened.

I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I really don’t care at this point in time. I’m focusing on being and that’s enough. For the first time in my entire life I not only feel like I’m more than enough, but I feel myself being irrational and stopping the self hatred. I feel myself letting myself be. And by being I’m able to be more and more.

I’ve tried to explain some of this to people and they don’t typically understand it. Some of the things I’ve done seem really woo woo/ fru fru what ever you want to call it, but I honestly don’t care because they make me feel better or good. Take it where you can get it people… life really does change on a dime and for once I’m not afraid of losing. I never thought I’d find this and the fact that I did is wonderous in itself. I may have missed the mark to get here and it may happen again but I’m incandescently happy and I can’t get this grin off my face yet again and ya know what I’ll take it.

Day 60: on the road to enlightenment, enjoying how stupid happy I am. A dawn has come.



Day 15: Always Questioning

After finishing yesterday’s post I had a bit of a revelation. I had to rethink my opinions on happiness. I had to ask – Is actively seeking happiness leading to more unhappiness? Is happiness more of a journey than a destination? Is the reason I can’t attain it because I’m constantly looking for it rather than just being in it? That I’m chasing it instead of letting it come to me?

Look, I read a lot of things because I can. I was one of those obnoxiously good at school without trying kinds of people. I don’t know how to study but I seek information on an almost infinite basis. I know I over think things and I’ve been working on letting go in general…But I can’t seem to let this happiness pursuit go. I’ve been learning how to express and control my emotions; something I grew up suppressing because that’s what those around me did. But I’ve made progress and I’m not that girl anymore. I’m trying to learn to be happy and for the most part I’ve definitely made personal progress.

I’ve been happy. I’ve been incandescently happy. I’ve been melancholic-ly happy, weird notion, but think about it. I’ve been so many places on the happiness scale and I feel like anytime I become happy…. it’s something that eventually evades my grasp.

I’ve been chasing dreams for the last two years. Well I’ve made one dream a reality, but not in a way I really want and the second part of the dream has been evolving as I go. I’ve been trying to build a foundation for myself to stand on, in hopes of being able to build a life I want on top of it. I’ve become happier and crazier in completely different ways than I’ve ever known.

Growing up in the place I did, I always felt like I wasn’t enough. That’s not my problem anymore. I am enough. I am more than enough. My problem becomes, everything else. Enough happiness. Enough things to do. Enough money to save to thrive. Enough time spent doing anything or something I like. It’s the outside forces and necessary evils that get to me. It’s that next step that keeps me running. Closer to 30 than 20 and I feel like an in-betweener now more than ever. In between having the life I want. In between being in the position I want to be in career wise. In between having my own place. List goes on.

Let’s say that happiness is something you have to create; like you’d create a life. Maybe it is something you always just are or can just be. But is happiness really a choice? Just thinking happy thoughts everyday doesn’t change the fact that you have depression or anxiety. Making changes to become happy helps. Thinking nicer, happier thoughts helps, but it doesn’t address the hurt, pain and real cause of the unhappiness. So – can you really just create your own fantasy world within your head and play the mindgame of happiness with yourself? Maybe its not “pay your dues or wait your turn,” but rather let yourself feel the happiness now, not if or when.

Maybe that’s the reason I’m seeking more travel experiences. The only time I’ve been consistently happy without trying or without fail, I’ve been traveling. Whether through Europe, Africa or the US. Traveling was key.  Maybe it’s the freedom, lack of stress about money and the way I live in general. I don’t need material things. I want a house, but I don’t need a mansion. I want clothes on my back, but I don’t own $80 jeans. Price isn’t a defining factor, but it does play a role. Money can’t buy happiness, but it can solve a lot of crap that goes along with stress and struggle. When I travel none of those things even come close to coming into play. I’m completely in the moment and letting life take me where it does.

So let me ask this: Where does the divide between driving yourself crazy and driving yourself to happiness lie?

I feel like that’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do. Trying to create a life I actually want to live and be a part of. I’d say maybe the solution is to stop trying and let it come to me. Literally foregoing the pursuit and letting it pursue me. That’s definitely something I’ve never tried before. Maybe next week I’ll stop wishing for happiness and actually live it. Whatever that means.

All I know is… The life I have right now, is not the life I want. I was hoping it would be or at least become that, but right now I don’t feel like it is and it hasn’t been in the last two years here. It hasn’t been the last 8 years in general. Right now I want the change. Maybe I did need to do this for myself. Maybe I did need to realize that we create our own happiness. Maybe I need another fresh start whether that’s here or somewhere else. One step at a time I guess.  I’ll get there… eventually.

Day 15: Trying to rush things and learning how to respect the process.



Los Angeles Chronicles: Struggle is my middle name

I’ve never been a typical anything in life. I’ve always marched to the beat of my own drum and I’ve always seemed to be outside the proverbial box. I love with all I have and I have been broken hearted more than once. I fight because that’s how I know how to react. I keep going when I have no idea what I’m doing because I don’t know how to stand still. I’ve been a dreamer most of my life, I’ve been a cynic and a realist, and I’ve been an idealist. We all grow and change, but we get to decide what we want, who we want to be and where we want to go.

I’m from some hick ass little town in the middle of New York State. I currently live in Los Angeles, CA. I went from barely playing the game of life to playing in the major leagues. I wasn’t ready to play, but they put me in anyway. As soon as I was getting the hang of it, I got pulled out and benched and have been reeling ever since.

I’ve grown a lot in the last few months. I’ve dealt with losses I never thought I’d have to deal with and feelings and emotional spectrums I didn’t know existed. I’ve fought depression most of my life and I’ve learned how to cope and how to hide. Tie in anxiety issues every so often and there’s the middle half of my 20s. We’re all fighting our internal struggle, but what do we do when we’re not longer struggling inside, but both inside and out? What do we do when we no longer live in the past, or let the past define us but the future is so uncertain that we’re paralyzed on the spot?

Los Angeles is another city of dreamers. Everyone is trying to make it as someone here. Whether you’re from here or not, you’re still playing the proverbial game. I love LA. I am happy to live here and I’m happy to be able to play, but lately my ass has been kicked so hard I’m questioning everything I know. Down to the major question, why am I still here? What am I doing here? And at the same time I have no where else I really and truly want to go.

I’ve been reading and searching for answers within and without. I’ve been trying to move forward when the only reason I’ve survived is because my parents decided to really and truly help me for the first time. That in itself was something I never thought I’d have and that in itself was worth the hurt and struggle it took me to get here. Unfortunately, the efforts of others is not entirely enough.

We all get one life. We all have our personal struggles. We all need each other at some point to be there to help us when we’re down. I feel like my posts don’t even have a point anymore, but they allow me to let out the crap in my mind and potentially share it for the two people reading this (cheers to you guys).

We all want a voice in our own lives. We all struggle and wonder why. We all endure hurt and pain, love and happiness, boredom and indifference, the list goes on. As I sit here in my most loneliest state, I wonder what the fuck I’m doing constantly. I think I ask myself that daily in various forms. And honestly I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I’m struggling just to struggle and I don’t see the point in that. I’m reminded of a Bob Newhart skit that would tell me just to “stop it,” and honestly wish I could.

We are all meant to thrive in this world. We are all meant to build and grow and change and love. We are meant to learn the differences between love and indifference. Pain and pleasure. Happiness or contentment from boredom. I truly believe we’re all supposed to enjoy this journey that is life. I truly believe life is simply hard because half the time we have to admit to ourselves what it is we actually want. And the struggle comes from having to relearn how to exist in a way you’ve never done so before, until now. Maybe I dream of a life without depression. Maybe I dream of a life filled with love. Maybe I have no idea what it is that will make me happy anymore or make me happy consistently because I’ve been lost in the dark longer than I was ever in the light.

I have no answers for anyone anymore. I seek my truth and my hope and my love. I have no idea what it means, I have no idea what I want anymore and I have no freaking clue how to get it. If you don’t know where you’re going it doesn’t matter which path you take. But unlike Alice, this isn’t a dream I can wake up from, this is a dream I have to create. So what comes next? I still have no freaking clue, but I have to keep going. I have to.

Revisiting Happiness: 5 years later

For those following along: Chapter 9.

Happiness is a weird thing. We as people have dreams and wishes we wish to accomplish throughout our lives in attempt to find happiness. However happiness is a fleeting friend and can also be a mortal enemy. Once it is found you are always in a constant struggle to get it back. And once you get it back you don’t know how long it will stay around. Sometimes you don’t even recognize it until something jolts you and you realize what you have and truly appreciate it all.

You walk through life thinking, knowing that you are one person at this point in time. Until one day when the world as you once knew it comes crashing down around you because of a single word, phrase, sentence, event, moment in time, or realization. Then you wake up the next day to find your life altered in a way you never deemed possible and it’s a long road to acceptance but you eventually get there. You accept that this is now your life and whatever alternate reality you once knew no longer exists. You have to move forward with high hopes and uneasiness because you no longer know who you are nor do you know what you want anymore, nor does it matter. You take each day as it comes and eventually you will figure out that dreams do change, people do change, life happens, life gets in the way. Life goes on and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. For maybe one day you’ll know what you want and achieve beyond your hopes and dreams. You’ll find out all those things you thought were so monumental, made you who you are as much as they didn’t affect you at all. Life is made up of many things. Take what you can get and make the most out of your circumstances. Relish in the good moments. Learn from the bad. Make mistakes. Make friends, gain family. Have adventures. Explore the world. Take chances. Don’t fear. Don’t regret. Just live.

Everyone has their own path to choose and everyone makes their own destiny. It may not seem like it but nothing is set in stone and you are the one in control – for the most part. Happiness seems like the one thing everyone wants, and the one thing no one can hold onto. But happiness is what you make it to be. If you wake up in the morning and decide today is going to be a good day, it probably will be. If you go out for a night on the town or something of the like, and you tell yourself you are going to have fun and be happy and enjoy your night, you most likely (if not definitely) will have a good time. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you’re the one holding the beauty of your own life. Find what it is that makes you happy and take it. Find someone who makes you happy and make them a part of your life. Find a place that makes you happy and go there. Make a plan or don’t make a plan. Just don’t sit around thinking that destiny and fate are in control and you are a mere pawn in the chess game of reality. At the end of the day you are in control of your own life. There may seem times where your life seems to spiral out of your control, but those are times you can learn and grow and change to find yourself or a new life. Everyone is on a path through their own life and everyone has their own obstacles. At the same time everyone can choose to succumb to their hard times or you can overcome them. Life isn’t fair but that doesn’t mean you can’t make the best of it. For the world is at your fingertips and all you have to do is reach out and grab it.

Sometimes you just have to turn the page on what you once believed in and move forward with no regrets. You don’t start where you left off but at a new beginning with new people and adventures and with anyone who is willing to go along for the ride. You leave your once jaded self behind you in the ashes and the memories and embark on a new path to be explored. Awaken the sleeping giant. Do what you love and love what you do. What is the point of life if not happiness? Or at least the pursuit thereof. People are going to judge you and try to hold you back regardless of what they truly know about you. There will always be turmoil for it is so much easier to end the day in despair. Seek what it is that makes you happy. Enjoy the time you have and make the life you see for yourself or at least try. No plan ever works as expected but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give it a go.

Los Angeles Chronicles: I can while away the hours

It’s that moment in life when you’ve finally made significant progress and the same moment that screams at you – You’re not there yet!

I can say that most of us spend the majority of our week working at a job. Whether we like that job or not is the issue. Call me an idealist… but… wouldn’t it be nice to actually do something we’re passionate about rather than just taking whatever we have to, to get by and actually pay the bills?

I moved to Los Angeles in pursuit of a dream. I love my apartment, but it still hasn’t been made into “home” yet. I love LA/California, yet rush hour traffic on the 405 definitely leaves room for improvement. I like that everything is new, I like that I have a few friends but still have a lot of personal time comparatively speaking. I’m making more money than I have so far in life, yet I still stress because barely making it by is an understatement. My job isn’t terrible, but it is. I spend almost 4 hours a day in rush hour Los Angeles traffic. I beg for work at work and consistently have nothing to do (writing this at work now). My skills aren’t being utilized and my pay while may be the highest I’ve received, isn’t enough to actually live.

The progress I feel I’ve made in the last year has been great. The personal triumphs and the personal breakthroughs have been amazing. I’ve been taking more and more control over what I want and actively seeking my happiness. I’ve been putting the time, effort and energy into myself and it is paying off, but very slowly and that’s okay (progress is progress). Knowing that life is hard and I’m willing to work my ass off for it, I will always risk what I have if I don’t have what I want – in hopes of something better. So what now?

I’ve redone, updated, and sent out countless resumes. I’ve gone on multiple interviews. I end up either intimidating the interviewer or making them feel stupid (not intentionally). What do I have to do to finally land the position in which I may actually have room to grow and gain responsibility? What do I have to do to actually make enough money to live? What do I have to do to actually enjoy my life? And don’t even get me started on romantic relationships – that monster is a horse of a different color…

Why does everyone think that “hard work pays off” when the majority of people who work hard are the ones being screwed? Why is it that those willing to bust their ass aren’t the ones who are given a chance? What the hell am I missing here, because clearly it’s something big.

I get it, I’m a kid, but I still have more than adult sized bills. I get it, there’s a lot of competition. I get it, (again) life’s hard. But why is it so damn hard to the point where you have to kiss a company you aren’t sure you want to work for’s ass in hopes that you can eat that night? Why is this the world we live in? Is it terrible? Of course not. Am I sitting here asking myself if this post is even worth it, of course I am. Do I recognize that these are first world problems, absolutely. They are my problems nonetheless.

I’ve noticed something about movies and tv shows, they always wrap up life so nicely. Even when there are problems they only last so long or the viewers get bored… There’s always a little drama but the major things people tend to want, a house, a car, a relationship, a marriage, a family, a career, you name it – always seem attainable. Yes some of those things are materialistic but I’m talking about living, ya know paying for food to eat and actually having the money to do so as well as pay your rent. Yes, I know they’re made up stories. Yes, I know it’s a show/movie. Yes, I know time is a different animal in real life.  But why is it that happiness seems to be the hardest thing to hold onto in a world where you don’t have it that terribly hard, yet you still don’t have the money to live? Why is staying happy one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do?

When does my life become something I live with pure enjoyment despite the bad? As much as I’m a dreamer, I’m still a realist. Life has bad parts, we get hurt,  and sometimes shit sucks, it is inevitable, but when does progress actually reach fruition? When can you finally reach a point in life where you can say you’ve become successful?  What about becoming happy? Does it or can it ever truly happen? Or are we all just reaching for a dream only found on screens in hopes reality isn’t that bad?


We live in the age of forgetfulness, do something worthy of remembrance

I am a lot of things. Some good, some bad. I have my demons and I have my wings. I have a memory that doesn’t allow me to forget and a heart that doesn’t allow me to really and truly stop loving. With that said, I’ve known hundreds of people through my life thus far. I’ve kept in touch with friends. Lost touch with friends. Gotten back in touch to lose them again…but for the most part I still stay connected in some way. Mostly because of my memory, but also because things like Facebook exist and remind me the person I don’t want to see is out there -still. I digress.

I am the kind of person that uses social media, but doesn’t put my life out into the world on my pages. I’ve lived in 4 states, been to 8 countries and have friends from every place I’ve been. We may not talk daily. We may not check in constantly. But because of things like Facebook we can stay connected. We may not have been too close or great friends, but if I can wish someone well or cheer someone on I will most certainly do it. It doesn’t matter if I saw them ten minutes ago or ten years ago.  I’m the kind of person that likes pictures or status updates or wishes you happy birthday whether we talk or not, just because I can. Props to you for doing something worth celebrating. Props to you for accomplishing someone you want or making the best of what life sends your way. Hell your status could be “got through a Tuesday at work, yaya” and I’d still wish you well because sometimes Tuesdays are fucken hard.

I’ve spent most of my life dealing with depression. I’ve had some good friends here and there and I’ve had crappy friends. I’ve had hundreds if not thousands of acquaintances. I might have only met you in passing, as a college freshman, at the dining hall one night and never talked to you again, but I’m the kind of person that remembers that night in detail if it comes into play. Over the years, I’ve had to deal with a lot of crap I honestly wish I hadn’t. I wish people well where I can because I know I like when someone does that for me. I haven’t had a lot of people stick by me through the years or the hard times in life and I remember almost everyone I’ve ever met. And you’d be surprised how little it takes to make someone feel good.

There are a lot of things I wish this world would pay attention to, but for the most part it really is about the little things. However,  we live in an age of forgetfulness. No one seems to pay attention to the little things anymore. Smiling at someone when you walk past them on the street. Acknowledging someone’s presence with a “hey, how’s it going.” Seeing someone going through something tough and acknowledging their struggle or just relating to them in the moment. We forgot how to talk to each other and as creative as we are we have no idea how to create relationships that last. You better believe that someone may not remember your name, but they remember the way you made them feel.

It doesn’t matter who you are to them, you could be some random dude on the subway, their mother, or their dentist. If you joke and smile or laugh and cry, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even have to be a deep connection. It could be “omg look at this crazy cat vine.” (yeah, sorry I went there). The little moments are the ones in which you choose who you are going to be for the big moments. You remember the things you didn’t do well or the things you excelled at the best. But think of the people who meant something in your life and what is it you remember about them? It’s probably not that they were at that game one time with you or went to get food at that place. It’s how you felt when you were with them. It was the time you shared together.

How hard is it to wish people luck? How hard is it to unplug the headphones and step back from the smart phone and share a moment with someone? Learn how to be a friend. Remember how to be a friend. I’m going to say it again, a few nice words go a lot further than you’d think.

I’m finally starting to like the life I’m living because I’m living the life I like. The one I chose. And it’s working out in a million ways. I have moments of freaking out and depression rears its head. But then someone says something silly or acknowledges me in some way and my whole  mood shifts. People yearn for the closeness that almost doesn’t exist anymore. People connect more with strangers on the street than those in their inner circle because they’ve forgotten how or maybe they never knew. Despite never being famous, you can easily be remembered.

Don’t forget who you’ve walked through life with thus far. We may be individuals, but life isn’t a one man show. Be nice to people. Share a smile. Find the little things that people do that make you happy and spread the vibes. We can all use a little help sometimes.

You may not be contributing to their major life goals or their everyday existence, but where is the harm in remembering to wish someone well or congratulate them or even just acknowledge them? Life is hard enough, why not spread a little joy.


Today, I’m going to write about love

I think I loved you from the minute I really met you. The very first instant you came up behind me and put your hand at the base of my neck and lead me through the crowd. We spent the afternoon partying and dancing not a care in the world. I had no idea that would be the beginning of almost a decade of what I’m going to simply call “us.” I had known you most of my life but never like this. Re-introduced and age was no longer a factor, I was hooked.

We left separately that afternoon but we’d soon be meeting again. Talking online and sharing when we’d be back in town, so we could meet up started the friendship. Both of us not knowing what we had really gotten into, we flew by the seat of our pants and let things happen as they may.

Soon enough we were hanging out 3 or 4 days a week. Going out, partying, eating, drinking, exploring, having fun, learning about each other, sharing secrets, sharing ourselves, we didn’t really have any limits. Little did either of us know that we wouldn’t spend more than 3 weeks apart in a 5 year period. Little did we know that those we once considered best friends were now second to each other. That despite not having labels or actually being in a relationship “together,” we were attached.

We got jealous when the other had another person come their way. We got mad when we didn’t include each other. We got energized in each others’ presence. We needed and yearned to be close and I don’t think either of us really understood why. I knew how I felt about you, but I also knew you. I knew “trapping” you wasn’t going to work and making you do something you didn’t want wasn’t going to work either. The last thing I wanted to do was change you because you were who I loved. I loved the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, I was all in. I was invested. And to a certain point so were you.

After about a year of this you told me you loved me. You told me there was no one like me. It was Christmas Eve Eve and on the steps of our favorite weekend hangout you threw your arms around me whispered “I love you” in my ear, slowly pulled away and kissed me. Standing there stunned I didn’t say it back. You said it to me three times in the next two weeks and the words hit me like a ton of bricks every time. Then I finally said it back and I think I shocked myself. I knew I had feelings for you from the beginning but I didn’t want to lose my best friend. I’m not good with emotion and I tend to be a bit frigid when it comes to matters of the heart. Truth be told, there’s no one like you either.

We went on for years hanging out and living adventures. Keeping a balance for each other so the other didn’t fly too far off the hinges. So much better together than we ever were apart. Constantly making each other crazy, but always in need of that presence. As time passed the more people noticed. Always together, always around, could always find each other in a crowd. We were attached even more than before.

After almost 5 years I cracked and told you how I felt. You asked me why I chose now to have feelings and I had no words. You asked me what I was afraid of and I said nothing. I then asked you and you said nothing as well. We both lied. Except I spilled my heart out. I told you how I felt. I had thought about that moment a million times and I was finally having it. We were both afraid to change things between us but they couldn’t stay that way any longer. I wanted to be with you as a couple, but you didn’t.

I could understand that, but neither of us could walk away from the other and now truth when it came to feelings got thrown in the mix. I gave you truth. You couldn’t tell me how you felt. Whether you didn’t know how you felt or if you were just afraid, it didn’t matter. I still didn’t want to force you to be someone you weren’t because that defeated the purpose.

Many nights we spent awake until dawn sharing our secrets and stories. Emotionally attaching ourselves to one another and learning the way the other thought, processed, hoped, dreamed and feared. Real intimacy in a way I don’t think either of us ever knew until that point. It got to the point where we couldn’t even be in a 500 foot radius and not have someone think we were together whether we were or weren’t.

Then things really turned. I got into a graduate program and I was getting ready to leave. Not long before were we sitting in your basement telling stories like always and I was admitting how I felt. Now the end was in sight. Life as we knew it was shifting.

You told all of our friends and some random acquaintances I was leaving you. You constantly asked what you were going to do without me. You shared my business as if it were your own, but you still couldn’t tell me how you felt about me.

For years people would ask me if we were together. They’d ask me where you were if I was somewhere alone. They didn’t understand how one of us was without the other. But you could never tell me your true feelings. There were nights we definitely came close. We both revealed truths we thought about the other and we never had anything bad to say. We never judged. We always cared more than we initially meant to. But for whatever reason it wasn’t enough.

We both yearned for the togetherness and still reveled in each others’ presence, but it was never enough. The week before I left a few things happened. You showed up at my going away party with someone else. You eventually cornered me and tried to talk about us. I couldn’t. You and I went for ice cream to try to talk things out. You told me we’ve always existed in the grey area and you didn’t want to change that. You told me if I weren’t leaving I could move in with you because your roommate was getting evicted. And you asked me to stay.

The night you asked me to stay echoes like a hurricane in my mind. Sitting on the bathroom floor basically on top of each other, everything came down to that moment. I don’t think there’s ever been a moment we were so close or so honest, but we both walked away without getting what we wanted. I left anyway.

We spent the next year fighting and treating each other like strangers through text and the internet. But in person, you acted like I never left. Holding hands, putting arms around each other, sharing drinks and anything else along the way. I couldn’t deal. I fought it until I couldn’t anymore. Anxiety caught up with me and that was it.

The person I had so much love for and cared so much about was a stranger I couldn’t trust. You soon used my feelings against me and made it all my fault. We no longer shared stories. We no longer spent time together, but everywhere we went there was the other person. We beat each other up mentally and emotionally. We hurt each other and shook each other to the core. The need to be in each others’ presence was now muttled by the fact that we were no longer those people.

We eventually got to the point where all we did was fight, but we still couldn’t help being next to each other. Life shifted again and I ended up moving back to NY. I watched my life fall apart. I watched my family ache. I watched you replace me and those were your words not mine. Yet anytime I was okay enough to be near you you dropped the replacement for me. We were both fighting everything we felt and everything we knew and everything around us, but everything had changed.

Me being who I am I remember down to the dates of the things we did that had an impact on me. Still hurt. Still trying to put the pieces of myself back together. There you were. We tried once or twice to “fix” things but we broke it and we didn’t know how to go back and I didn’t want to. We didn’t talk for about 6 months. The longest we had gone without speaking in 8 years. Believe me it hurt, but I still couldn’t trust you.

I couldn’t trust you not to play my heartstrings like a guitar. I couldn’t trust you not to say one thing and do another. I couldn’t trust you to tell me how you felt or really and truly be honest with me anymore. Despite trying to let it go and get over it and move on and despite dating one or two other people when I was gone and when I first got back, I was still in love with you. The problem was I wasn’t in love with the you that I had standing in front of me. I was in love with the person I had shared stories with at all hours of the night and the one I wanted to be sitting on the bathroom floor with, didn’t exist anymore. They didn’t exist anymore and the person I was didn’t either. But there we were still yearning for each others presences, without any idea of how to do it.

No one understood. We were judged for the past, present and potential. We eventually worked it out, we left the hurt behind. We learned to be near each other again. The last year changed everything, but we still weren’t those people we once were. We finally made things right again. The only problem, I was leaving again. I finally had the chance to live the dreams I’ve wanted since I was a child. I was making my dream a reality. Problem number two, I still love you. You fought with me and couldn’t say goodbye. You made it my fault again and it hurt me too. Despite everything, I still care. Despite everything I won’t ever forget our time together. Despite everything I hope you find your happiness.

I want to move forward and from the last things you said to me, that was it. I hurt you for the last time and you hurt me for the last time. That doesn’t change the past. We may not have been the right people for each other at the time. We may have dealt with a lot of things we were afraid of and a lot of things may have been caused because of us. I’m still a bit of a dreamer. I’m still a realist. I am a lot of things and I may still always love you. But I can’t do this anymore.

We broke what we had in every way and still wanted to be near each other. Right now there is no end to this story. I have a new beginning, but is it the end for us? I want to love someone that can really love me back. Or at least tell me the truth about their feelings. Being vulnerable sucks and putting yourself out there is hard.

I can’t change the past and I don’t want to, but love for the future is the next dream I hold for myself. I never knew I’d love you the way I did. I never knew I’d be sitting here caring this long after we started this game thinking about you and our memories. Call me foolish, but I know what I felt was real. I know what I lived. I know who we were apart and together. I knew we both lost us the minute we separated. Despite those around us not understanding, I only needed you to. The problem was you did, and chose another path.

We lived and experienced and loved each other, so naturally until one of us got in over our heads and tried to run for it. We always came back. We broke it more times than I can count but it was never the end. Almost 9 years later from that first day, here I sit 3000 miles from home, building a new life for myself without you. Still someone I want to walk through life with, yet it matters no longer. I don’t know how long I will love you and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. But I’m reclaiming me and the love I have for myself in hopes of finding someone who is willing to go all in. I look back without regret. I feel no shame. I have known heartbreak and I know if I am ever to love someone again it will not be the same.

Love so beautiful in its entirety yet so destructive if handled improperly. So easily gained, so difficultly lost. It can conquer and destroy. I’m willing to see what it can bring and where my life goes from here. I want to believe.

I am not a religious person but I think this fits as an end to my new beginning.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”