Well it took me a few days, but I did it. I got back in the game and I’ve made progress I didn’t know was there to make. And for that – I am grateful. And of course there’s a but in here.. because I’ve been having thoughts and dreams over the last week that keep bringing up my past world…
I’ve always been a vivid dreamer to the point where if I don’t let a dream finish, then I end up feeling the emotions I was playing out in my head throughout the entire day. It’s kinda weird but it is what it is. I have been able to manipulate dreams and I’ve even had dreams come true in the past. I typically remember my dreams, but unless it involves something strange or someone out of the ordinary I don’t give it much thought. That being said.. lately I’ve been dreaming of the life I had about 6 years ago.
My biggest issue is and always has been, how do you move forward when you seemingly have one foot in the past?
Last week marked 2 years of me being in Los Angeles and I do love it here but I consistently get to “what’s the point” more often than I’d like. I’m making more money than I’ve ever made and I’ve had jobs in the field that I’ve wanted to be in since college. I’ve accomplished things I’ve always wanted to do, and I’ve stopped being someone I never wanted to become…yet for some reason it’s not enough. The funny things about dreams when you’re awake are the facts that once you get the things you want you’re on to the next one. The dreams you have when you’re asleep usually mark things in a different way (at least for me).
In an ideal world I’d buy a house here, travel to a handful of places and use this as a home base. I’d eventually get married and raise children and not worry about seasonal depression with 6+ months of snow and gloom because hell this is Southern California. But the median cost of a house is $600,000, rent is $1000 per month and ever increasing in an apartment I share. And my boss is making me take on the person he let go of’s job because he doesn’t want to pay him anymore. So I get more things to do but no pay. A lot of this is how I came to the conclusion that I want my own company. The issue becomes how do I stop the past from shaping my new chapter? How I do I keep the past behind me when there are so many ridiculous “knowns” in my head right now.
How do I continue “business as usual” when I know it isn’t really working?
I’ve talked about reinventing the wheel. And it made me think back to my first challenge of wanting to travel the world and actually feel like I’m living. Which I still want to do. I want to do it a million times over. Yet, I’m not quite ready to leave LA because I’m still holding on to the dream I took when I decided to leave NY. I had to deal with potentially leaving this behind all summer last year and I got to keep it. So letting it go now seems stupid to say the least. It’s times like these where I look at myself and seriously look at myself and say what the fuck are you doing?! Why are you doing this again? Why are you doing this to yourself again?! What is it that you really want?!
And there it is. The kicker… I changed my life for the better, yes. I’ve changed myself for the better, yes. I’m better off financially than I ever have been, yes. BUT and this is a huge BUT…. I still have nothing I want. I’m not at the weight I want to be or the level of fitness. I’m not in a career I want to have I just keep getting jobs. I’m not at a place where I can spend money without guilting myself about it later. I’m not in a place to have a home. I’m not in a relationship in which the person I am with is who I’ll marry. I’ve not been on a vacation in 2 years that didn’t involve going back to visit my parents — aka not a vacation. So maybe that’s my problem again.
Too many things in your life today are the same things that have been ruling your past. Inadequacy. Being stuck. Not feeling alive. Being over emotional. Not being where you want in any facet of your life.
Maybe this new beginning is exactly what you need. Maybe it’s time to focus on one goal and one thing that will change you and your world exponentially. I have a second interview for a new job Tuesday. I’m working with a business coach to gain extra money. I’m not able to walk at the moment because of my ankle but when I can I want to start really taking care of my body. I want to start my day as if on purpose rather than hitting the snooze button.
I guess in reality despite telling myself I want to start over… what I really want is to start over. An admission I never realized until right now. I want to say this time is going to be different and mean it. Because it has to be. I owe it to me for this time to be different. My new dream is accomplishing one of the four things in my life that I say I want, but still have yet to get.
2: body /fitness
3: money to burn
4: one trip per year that doesn’t involve going to my parents’ house.
Day 20: crafting my new beginning is in play. Day 21: doing something about it.