Day 23: wandering through my world

I’m doing it even though it doesn’t feel like it. I made it through week two of my workouts. I made an extra $300 this week writing. I paid all my bills and treated myself to some fun tomorrow. I’m going through the motions and things slowly seem to be changing.

I’m still having issues with those around me either not listening or trying to”fix” me… when in reality they have no idea what to really say. I’m grateful to have people around because I am lonely in a way I’ve never been before but everyone still seems like the wrong people.

When I exist in the here and now I’m one person. The lonely, insecure, depressed me goes back about five years to a completely different place in life. I become someone else. The two aren’t comparable yet I’m still doing it. I’m still trying to break the habit of being myself and I just have to keep going.

What I’ve learned most recently is I have the power to rewrite my own history. My story is just that – mine. I owe no explanation to any one unless I ask them to join or pay for it. I get to have the power or let someone else control me… That being said,I’m more than halfway through 4 hour workweek and I’m enjoying what he says in a lot of ways. He’s reinforcing the fact that life is your own and you get to make it what you want. He’s the one who basically told me I either have to choose to be controlled or leverage the freedom. Freedom.

This is no longer about being worthy or deserving. It’s about going out and fucking taking what you want. Whether it be remote work. Travel. Love. Money. A business of your own or a way to just find and do what you love. It’s out there for you but you have to go after it. Obviously perspective is everything here but that can be said about anything.

I don’t want to leave here every day anymore, but I know I’m not ready or willing to stay here yet. I’m working on taking one day at a time and hoping to create the me I am proud of. I’m hoping to learn what it means to actually be proud of myself. Among other things.

We all have our own journeys. We all have our own paths. We all wander in the directions we need, to find the places we want. For those that don’t go along with the status quo we make a new one. We make a new path. We decide to force change or make change. We have the power to be whatever it is we want. We have to have the balls to try it. We have to take the risk.

We have to wander the forest to find the clearing. We have to become Hobo’s because the word hobo is actually short for homeward bound. We’re all searching for home. A home in ourselves. In our heads. In our hearts. In a physical sense. In a geographic sense. In a stability sense. We all grew up with a certain set of expectations, but I think we can all say that nothing really went as planned. We have to redefine and know each page you turn results in a change of definition.

I moved to California because I didn’t know what else to do and I was completely losing my shit where I was. I had no expectations of what would happen when I got here. I walked wholeheartedly into the fucking unknown. And I made it work. Not in the way I wanted but not in a bad way either.

I got through my first year. I made it. I had choice. I had freedom from the person I once was. I had become different than the person I’d become within the mess. I’ve made a new home within my own mind. Don’t judge me by my past I don’t live there anymore… comes to mind. We get to choose. We forget through all the shit that despite having or not having expectations we get to fucking choose what, where, and who we want to be.

There is no have to. The only have to is you having to do whatever you need to do to get through today. You define those parameters. You define where you’re going to struggle and when you’re going to say fuck no. You decide when you have to stick it out because it is for the best and when you’re going to run screaming in the other direction. You decide when to stop or start fighting in all battles in your life. Sometimes you may not even realize how long you’ve really been fighting. And I say that from experience. Things tend to sneak up on me and push me until I don’t have a choice but to admit it’s there to myself. Whether that means I’m ignoring it or just not paying attention it doesn’t matter.

I’m at a point where all I want to  do is wander my world. Wander your world – I’m giving you permission. Figure out what makes you happy, love, hope, hate, cry, go crazy, lose your shit, push you to be something or someone you don’t want and choose to wander elsewhere or keep moving forward.

There is no path of least resistance when you’re creating a life you want to live and the person you want to live it as. Because if it were easy the world would be a very different place.

Day 23: Acknowledging that I’m not who I used to be… That the way I wander through my head has changed and it is both good and bad but I get to make a choice.



More Questions than Answers


What if the reason you want to stay is the same reason you have for leaving?

The life you never wanted is the comfort in knowing yourself enough

The place you never wanted to be is the only solace you have

What happens when you no longer know who you are but maybe you never really did?

What happens when you find who you are and it’s no one you ever really expected

You feel stifled but content

Enraged but calm

The dichotomies of good and evil within your own mental existence rage within your head

You know you’re more creative when you’re mentally fucked up

But you know you don’t want to live in that darkness

You see the hope and the pain in the world and want to save everyone you can -yourself included

The cynical realist who can no longer handle the cynicism alone

You feel like you’re screaming in a crowded room and no one’s looking up

Yet you feel like everyone is passing judgement and examining your entire being

How do you deal?

What do you do?

Do you ask for help and put your trust in others that can only do so much?

Do you try to do it yourself as much as you can?

Do you again change the status quo in hopes that a different physical and mental state will let you see things clearly?

Where do you go from here?

Sick of complaining about the world yet in no position to change it

No adult takes you seriously because you’re young

No kid takes you seriously because you’re not one of them

Where do the lines no longer blur?

When does the love no longer hurt or harm you?

How do you rest in peace within your own mind?

Do you channel the energy into something else?

Try to let it go?

Embrace it and see where you end up?

Or run screaming in another direction?

Who’s to know, who’s to say

There are no specifically right answers in terms of yourself – you decide what’s worth it

You decide who you want to be and who you are

But when does the mask of who you’re showing the world come off?

The person you show and the person you are, aren’t the same

Or maybe they are.

Are the masks we wear pieces of the puzzle or do they complete the puzzle?

How do you know?

How do you decide?

Where do you go from here?

Know that you have but one life to live and everyone gets hurt along the way.

Know that not one of us gets out unscathed

That despite the horrors of our own internalizations of reality we can change the status quo

We can make a difference

We can know and learn from ourselves.

We don’t have to do it alone but it will probably feel that way.

In a world of 7 billion people – who do you want to be?

Explore the possibilities

Revisiting Expectations: 5 years later

For those following along this is the 10th and final chapter of what would be a book of sorts.

Expectations are a tricky thing. Whether you think something will go poorly or stunningly you are usually right. If you put time and effort into something and hope it goes well there’s a chance it will but you never know. We all had a vision of what we thought our lives would be when we were in our teens. We all found out that what we thought would happen.. probably didn’t. We all got kicked by the so called real world and realized that things are always harder than they seem. No strings attached is hardly ever something that actually exists in reality.

We all go through life in an attempt to achieve happiness. We all live in our own ways. We are all versions of our own experiences and perspectives. Due to our outlooks we change and adapt to things and those around us. We grow and change because of the relationships and events in our lives. We find happiness and lose it. We hope to find what we’re passionate about and make it more than just a small piece of us. Our memories are the stories that make a life personal. Our family are those that have surrounded us on the way. They are our history our origin. I may have repeated myself quite a bit, but if that is the case it is because I believe the repetition to be of importance.

I am who I choose to be, but I still believe that there is somewhat of a fate at hand. The energies of the world conspire to bring you who and what you need and also seem to shift your perspective. When you seem to lose your way it is because you were meant to. Struggle happens. Joy happens. We do things in life that we’ve never expected. We’ve become people in life we’ve never expected. We’ve endured things in life that we never expected. Expectations are a cruel trick that bring our hopes up or tear us down amidst the journey.

I started writing this piece about four years ago. I haven’t finished and I’ve started a few other projects. When thinking back to beginning this book I should have put more effort into finishing it. I expected to have this done before 2012. Well it’s now 2014 – yeah now it’s 2017- and its still not what I expected but it is what it is. My journey has shifted, my “self” has changed. My path deterred and my life is still not what I wanted it to be at this point. I never expected to be where I am and I’ve never expected to live out what I did. But sitting here and rereading what I’ve written gives me solace that at the point of my life that I was much more critical I was still that dreamer that saw the potential of what life can become.

Things never go as expected but they definitely continue onward. We have one chance at life and we all make mistakes along the way. The chapters of this pick at pieces of things that I have found that not only shape someone as a person but shape a life as I know it. The life I have lead is far from the course I thought I would take. Right now it is not more nor less; it just is. I am still seeking my happiness and I am still finding my passions. Life is a journey in progress and I intend on savoring my moments, stories, adventures and happiness. We all seem to lose our way at some point, but the point is to endure and move forward. Take what you can from what you’ve lived. Love who and what you can at any moment and find a way to be truly happy with the life you’ve made for yourself and the person you’ve become and have the potential to be. For nothing ever happens as expected and nothing ever will.

Revisiting Perspective: 5 years later.

This is something I wrote about 5 years ago. It is where I started my blog and I feel it is an overly fitting “new beginning” of a life I’m still very much in the middle of. So here goes:

The world is a funny place. People everywhere are struggling for an attempt to achieve their hopes and dreams. However, the monotony of everyday life is astoundingly complex and so very simple at the same time. Everyone goes about their everyday duties hoping to someday have more of –“something.” Whether that something is love, friends, money, fun, adventures or anything else, the possibilities are limitless. The one thing I know, is that we are always in a constant struggle with change whether we realize it or not.

We spend our lives trying to achieve things like success and raising families. We struggle with day-to-day activities as well as things to come. Change is upon us whether we believe it or not. With change comes many opportunities, good and bad. Change can be small or large; it can have many affects on our lives or little to do with anything. You can change the mood you’re in by doing something you like. You can change your life by moving to another city. However with change comes regret, mistakes, education, emotion and possibilities. I believe regret is something that no one should dwell on. Things happen in our lives that are now in the recent or distant past that have made us who we currently are. Hindsight may be 20/20 but the future is still unknown. I know I said everything changes, but it is what it is – therefore you can’t regret what you can’t go back and change. You can only move forward and learn from the mistakes or the consequences of your actions or inaction. You should never intentionally forget events in your life because many events good and bad make you who you are. Some events you may damn well want to forget, but moving on and “getting over” an event is different than blocking it out entirely. It has been said that “a mind is a terrible thing to waste,” but it is also a terrible thing to use against yourself. We’re all guilty of thinking too much and over analyzing things to try and make sense of them. There’s only one problem with that… things don’t always have to make sense.

People are who they are because of how they process events and changes in their lives. People are who they are because of their experiences. Without different experiences we would not be individuals at all. Everyone, everywhere is completely unique in their own way. No one can 100% understand why someone is who they are, especially when we have a hard enough time trying to find ourselves. You can however, relate to someone based on a previous experience that you’ve dealt with yourself – but proceed with caution for experience and perspective are very unique entities.

With that said, I am reminded of my main point in this chapter, you can learn a lot from others. Seeing things from different perspectives can change everything. Experiences and perspectives shape people into their individual selves and everyone has something to teach because of it. People need people. There is nothing more simple than the fact that people need people. The complexity lies in the fact that life is a selfish thing. We are “individuals” after all. We are all striving for personal happiness and fulfillment. Some may have more help than others, some may have less. Equality, like life, is a very tricky thing. Everyone has their own opinions, thoughts and experiences. Thus they also have their own perspective. Perspective like anything else grows and changes as a person grows and changes. What you wanted 5 years ago isn’t necessarily what you want now. And what you want in the next 5 years probably won’t be the same either. Your perspective of yourself as well as the world around you will evolve as you have. Life never goes as planned or as expected and perspective shifts accordingly. There is no strictly right or wrong way to live for life is a personal journey in progress that we have to figure out for ourselves.

Yeah I know, you’re probably thinking – “really? I never knew that” – add in the sarcastic tone and no shit Sherlock witticism. I bet you’re thinking who is this person and who do they think they are?… Well I don’t blame you if you’re skeptical, but I’m not trying to change beliefs about anything. I am trying to merely open your mind to the endless possibilities floating around in life. I’m no scientist, inventor, great academician, or anything else along those lines. I’m just me; an average everyday person seeking what life really has to offer. I myself am on a journey. I seek my own path. For what lies ahead, I know not. I am only attempting to share my journey thus far and trying to figure out how I myself got to this point. I don’t pretend to know anything I don’t actually know. And I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. This is a memoir of different events in my life that have gotten me to this point and a chance to offer my perspective. It’s up to you to believe or even keep reading. None of this is distinct fact; it is simply the rambling of an everyday person trying to find their way.

Los Angeles Chronicles: Ever Searching

Life is a never ending process except for when it actually ends. The only issue and it’s kind of a big one – we usually have no concept of an ending, we really only have today, we really only have the journey.

I’ve noticed a few things lately and I’m not entirely sure if they’re good, bad or just are. I’ve noticed that anytime you ask someone you actually feel is qualified to answer your questions, they have no idea either. That the little things may totally add up, yet we’re always grasping at the major life moments and we forget the in between – ya know those moments that actually make up a life. We somehow spend our entire lives searching, yet what do we really find? Time is linear, life is not, yet our time in life albeit longer than we’d wish sometimes is a lot shorter in the scheme of “Life” as a concept.

There are I’m going to say a handful of people in the world in terms of types: those who dream, those who dream and manage to go after their dreams and are somehow able to pull them off, those who never dare to dream and are okay with the status quo, and those that always want, but never seek. This may be an over simplification, but it’s just an observation.

This year has held a lot of growth for me, yet I still don’t have the answers. The more I seek, the more I find there is to learn, the more I find simplicity doesn’t happen, at least not for me. The more I dream and let myself wander through the hopes and potentials of what may be out there I’m thwarted with reality of going through the motions of a 9-5 desk job that doesn’t pay me enough to pay off my student loans in the next 20 years.

With that said, I find myself to be the one that has to remind myself that you have to start somewhere. That you can’t start where you want to end up because you can’t start at the end. As much as I’ve been through in life and as much as I’ve “lived” so far, Los Angeles was my new beginning. Yes, I’ve been trying and putting effort and what not into my life thus far, but I left my life as I knew it. I’ve left my life as I knew it more than once, and despite going “back” to a place that is familiar… each time I got a different result. Life isn’t a math problem, you’re never going to get the same answer exactly. You might do the same thing 20 times before thinking “why do I do that” but you’re not at fault for making a mistake… it doesn’t work that way, not in everything. Because each time you make a mistake, let’s say with dating someone or with loving someone, or letting a friend take advantage when you think you’re just helping them out… the circumstances are different, you’re different. We’re ever changing, ever evolving, ever growing. The society we live in results in us always being plugged into something whether we use it to seek knowledge or to thwart it, it’s there. We react to what’s around us and we perceive our wants and needs and attempt to act accordingly, yet we still somehow miss the boat. We forget that we don’t go from being an entry level worker to the CEO without the shit in between. We forget that we can’t have a marriage without first putting in the work. We forget that we both lose and find ourselves so many times before we even realize we’ve changed,  but it’s okay. If we actively seek who we want ourselves to be and are constantly making an effort to grow in general, in any way… we’re going to make it. We might not end up where we thought because hey life never gives you what you expect it to… but sometimes the journey is the point, the ride to the end beats the end every time.

So whether you’re down because it’s Monday, or pissed because things aren’t going as you planned, or anxious because you’re not where you want to be, remember (this is a message to myself as well): tomorrow is another day to try your best and that’s all you can do, keep trying. Never stop searching for the answers. Maybe someday you’ll find them, if I find em, I’ll let you know.

To know where you’re going you need to know where you’ve been…

That moment you look through old photos and start to look back on your life. You go through people you once knew, not very well but you were new to this whole thing – college. A new city, a new state, new people, new feelings. How quickly we forget how we felt in those moments. How we really felt in those moments. They say that when you remember something, you’re actually remembering the last time you remembered it. Which is insane, but interesting at the same time. It means you can change your feelings about anything based on how you feel about it in the next moment you remember it. Manipulation at it’s finest. Keep that in mind, but that’s another story for another time.

I’ve been thinking about going back to school in hopes of actually finding a career. I have two bachelor’s degrees, but because of some past shit I may or may not be able to. I’ve left my hometown yet again but it isn’t really working out so I’m trying to make another decision.
Bring me to this morning and I’m reminded of what I’ve been missing in my life. I’ve been missing the new and exciting. The thrill of really being somewhere new. Of being forced to go out and live. But also being surrounded by people so I have a chance to meet some friends. And that’s it – the difference between moving somewhere as a college student and moving somewhere as an adult.
I’ve always said that to know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been and I’ve forgotten exactly that. I’ve let the bullshit of things that really don’t matter take over my life. I mean they matter but not with the emphasis I put on them.
Life is messy. It’s far from black and white. We are people. We shift and change and grow and sometimes growing means growing down and not up.  I’ve been yearning for something I know and have an insane, intense relationship with – my hometown. It’s not that I’m homesick, at least not in the traditional way. But I’ve been trying to take the easy way out. I’ve been trying to go back and it seems that I hadn’t gone back far enough. I had to go back to the first time I ever really left and that made all the difference.
I had to go back to before I was so jaded by life and what was going on. To a time when the world was still new to me. I have to believe that that’s why  people had roles and traditions in society. Now we throw caution to the wind in hopes to move forward and society is failing itself. I mean I know traditions have flaws but honestly… there are milestones in life for a reason. They make us who we are at that point in time. They keep things that are new and exciting. A relationship, a marriage, a family, a house, a life with your family and around your family and I mean extended family. People knew and were open to committing. And I mean committing to jobs and careers as well as people and relationships. And yeah it didn’t always work out and yeah things were messy but we’re people. There are so many things I feel like I’m missing in my life. Some of it is me and some of it is the world around me.
I sit here trying to figure out myself as usual and I know how much I’ve changed and shifted over the years and I know I’m not done. Any time I seek knowledge and something new, I’m not done growing or changing. But how does this effect my perception? Of me? Of the world around me? We quickly forget ourselves at our best and worst eventually because we constantly have new bests and worsts. We all change. We all have a past and some sort of future. We all have to build it ourselves. So where am I going? I have no idea, that’s some thing I have to figure out on the way there… but where are we going as society and is it better than where we’ve been?