I’m doing it even though it doesn’t feel like it. I made it through week two of my workouts. I made an extra $300 this week writing. I paid all my bills and treated myself to some fun tomorrow. I’m going through the motions and things slowly seem to be changing.
I’m still having issues with those around me either not listening or trying to”fix” me… when in reality they have no idea what to really say. I’m grateful to have people around because I am lonely in a way I’ve never been before but everyone still seems like the wrong people.
When I exist in the here and now I’m one person. The lonely, insecure, depressed me goes back about five years to a completely different place in life. I become someone else. The two aren’t comparable yet I’m still doing it. I’m still trying to break the habit of being myself and I just have to keep going.
What I’ve learned most recently is I have the power to rewrite my own history. My story is just that – mine. I owe no explanation to any one unless I ask them to join or pay for it. I get to have the power or let someone else control me… That being said,I’m more than halfway through 4 hour workweek and I’m enjoying what he says in a lot of ways. He’s reinforcing the fact that life is your own and you get to make it what you want. He’s the one who basically told me I either have to choose to be controlled or leverage the freedom. Freedom.
This is no longer about being worthy or deserving. It’s about going out and fucking taking what you want. Whether it be remote work. Travel. Love. Money. A business of your own or a way to just find and do what you love. It’s out there for you but you have to go after it. Obviously perspective is everything here but that can be said about anything.
I don’t want to leave here every day anymore, but I know I’m not ready or willing to stay here yet. I’m working on taking one day at a time and hoping to create the me I am proud of. I’m hoping to learn what it means to actually be proud of myself. Among other things.
We all have our own journeys. We all have our own paths. We all wander in the directions we need, to find the places we want. For those that don’t go along with the status quo we make a new one. We make a new path. We decide to force change or make change. We have the power to be whatever it is we want. We have to have the balls to try it. We have to take the risk.
We have to wander the forest to find the clearing. We have to become Hobo’s because the word hobo is actually short for homeward bound. We’re all searching for home. A home in ourselves. In our heads. In our hearts. In a physical sense. In a geographic sense. In a stability sense. We all grew up with a certain set of expectations, but I think we can all say that nothing really went as planned. We have to redefine and know each page you turn results in a change of definition.
I moved to California because I didn’t know what else to do and I was completely losing my shit where I was. I had no expectations of what would happen when I got here. I walked wholeheartedly into the fucking unknown. And I made it work. Not in the way I wanted but not in a bad way either.
I got through my first year. I made it. I had choice. I had freedom from the person I once was. I had become different than the person I’d become within the mess. I’ve made a new home within my own mind. Don’t judge me by my past I don’t live there anymore… comes to mind. We get to choose. We forget through all the shit that despite having or not having expectations we get to fucking choose what, where, and who we want to be.
There is no have to. The only have to is you having to do whatever you need to do to get through today. You define those parameters. You define where you’re going to struggle and when you’re going to say fuck no. You decide when you have to stick it out because it is for the best and when you’re going to run screaming in the other direction. You decide when to stop or start fighting in all battles in your life. Sometimes you may not even realize how long you’ve really been fighting. And I say that from experience. Things tend to sneak up on me and push me until I don’t have a choice but to admit it’s there to myself. Whether that means I’m ignoring it or just not paying attention it doesn’t matter.
I’m at a point where all I want to do is wander my world. Wander your world – I’m giving you permission. Figure out what makes you happy, love, hope, hate, cry, go crazy, lose your shit, push you to be something or someone you don’t want and choose to wander elsewhere or keep moving forward.
There is no path of least resistance when you’re creating a life you want to live and the person you want to live it as. Because if it were easy the world would be a very different place.
Day 23: Acknowledging that I’m not who I used to be… That the way I wander through my head has changed and it is both good and bad but I get to make a choice.