If you take a minute to look back on the things you’ve done in life what stands out to you? Is it the people that constantly argued with you because you didn’t do things their way or is it what you’ve accomplished, enjoyed and endured? Yes we remember the bad things, yes they may stick in our minds more than we’d like but if you really look at your past do you think of someone else or yourself? Unless it was a loved one or someone you thought got away the answer to that question is probably you think about yourself.
With that said, looking back now are you proud of the person you’ve become? Or would your past self beat the shit out of you because of where you are now? They say hindsight is 20/20 but that means we have to be semi objective and also self aware. Knowing then what you know now would change everything as you knew it. But it also changes yourself. You wouldn’t react to things the same. Wouldn’t experience things the same. Anything would be, could be, different. Who I was at 15 isn’t who I was at 18 isn’t who I was at 21 isn’t who I am now. Too much and nothing has happened. Humans aren’t good with change. We prove it time and time again. Yet we need it.
There are events in your life that have shaped you today. There are experiences in your life that have stopped you from doing something or made you push forward. Sometimes what we are isn’t enough for ourselves, so we strive to be better. We all look at the world around us differently. Some people look like they have all the luck in the world whereas others always seem to get the short end of the stick. Where do you fall? This is all based on personal judgment but it means you have to look at yourself objectively. I think I’ve been screwed in some ways and blessed for lack of a better word in others. But I don’t think the places I’ve been at a disadvantage were in my control or only happened to me.
Anyone who is in their 20s/30s right now knows the demon called the student loan. Meant to haunt you for a prison sentence. They know how hard it is to find any job let alone one you want. Yet I excelled through college, graduated with honors, two bachelors, three and a half years. But what did I get? A mortgage and no house and a job that made me want to jump off a bridge. A college degree that is worth very little and some life lessons that just constantly say screw you if you think you’re gonna get this. We’re all jaded in our own way. We all have a soft spot for certain things. We all have our own issues and our own insecurities. Our own fears and dreams. But, never in a million years did I expect to be where I am now in terms of life. Never did I think I would spend years living in my parent’s house after college. Never did I think after moving out again would I have to go back for another round. Yes life is what we make it. Yes we all struggle in our own way. Yes we all have out moments of insanity and moments of oh shit I fucked up. I can honestly look back at my life and say I’m not happy with who I’ve become. I can also say that I’m not happy with my situation. I’ve tried and failed to make something more of myself by means of graduate school. Life took a twist and I changed my goal. I decided after all the shit I was putting myself through and forcing myself to endure that, that couldn’t be the answer. Right now I know where I’ve been, but I have no fucking idea where I’m going.
I’m at the point again where I don’t have a purpose. I don’t have a goal in mind. I know I don’t want to live in my parent’s house. I know I want a job I like. I know I’d like to get married and potentially have a family some day, but half of that shit isn’t in my complete control. I don’t like to believe the everything happens for a reason saying but I do like to think about fate and destiny and as far as I’m concerned they’re pretty much the same notion but without the wording. I know where I’ve been. I know where I’ve come from. And I know how to initially make myself happy. But after years of trying to figure out where I’m going, I’m still lost. I can understand what makes me, me. I can understand why I do the shit I do. I try to be positive. I try to remain that way but at this point I can’t get it to stick. I get me even if no one else does. And we all like when people seem to understand us – don’t deny it. I’m sick of whining and rambling about anything and everything. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of the same old shit. But I’m also sick of getting kicked in the ass when I’m down. I keep thinking something’s gotta give and I keep trying to pull myself up but I never seem to get there let alone stay there.
Anyone have the guidebook to life that wants to share? How about the secret to happiness in a nutshell? No? Next time I promise I’m going to write something happy but as for now… I’m going to contradict my title and say I know where I’ve been but I’m lost in who knows what direction and I still don’t know where I’m going. Applications for help can be found at the bottom of this article. Yes I’m kidding, though maybe I shouldn’t be.
Talking Over the World (formerly Diary of a Tactical Maverick) 