Taking Some Time to Wander My Self

For those of you just joining me, I tend to be an over thinker…. one of my last articles was about passion. This time I want to talk about self discovery.

Yesterday I started a post with:
As I sit here waiting for the minutes to count down to 5:30pm I wonder what I’m doing wrong with my life.

The worst part of that is yes I am that dramatic – I’m actually laughing at myself about it now, but eh so be it.

I decided to forgo that article, but the thoughts remain the same.

Over the last six months or so I’ve challenged myself twice. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and analyzing and I feel like each time I learn a little more about who I’ve become and who I want to become, my happiness becomes something that feels like its coming back with stability. It remains a bit more intact and a lot less disturbed by the outside world, even in moments of desperation or depression.

The last few weeks have been stressful to say the least. In that time I lost a roommate, had to pay her rent and mine, gained another, signed a new lease, decided I’m moving out, got another roommate, still juggling two jobs, still having foot and ankle problems from falling on my face, trying to pack my shit, find a new place, and remind myself to have some fucking fun; the new roommate is helping with that part but I knew that he would.

I have my moments just like everyone else. I’ve dealt with depression since I was 14, maybe even before. Anxiety came along in my 20s and feeling manic joined around that time as well. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about writing a book of my experiences. But the biggest reason I don’t, is because I’d have to relive the past and the pain and I feel like I’m not far enough away from it yet, for that not to flatten any progress I’ve made thus far. That thought is starting to turn, but we’ll see.

I’ve been asking myself questions lately that push limits I’ve yet to explore and it’s been a good thing. I’m ready to explore new avenues in terms of a career that I’ve talked about but never acted upon.

This is another article I started a week or so ago and here I still sit thinking the same things and dealing with the same internal struggle. I need to let myself take care of myself and allow myself to do what I feel is necessary. I still can’t seem to grasp that concept. Even going back and reading this makes me see how much more “okay” I was then. If that doesn’t give me a gauge of you need to change then Idk what will. Clearly I hold on too long.

As I sit here on a Friday afternoon roaming the possibilities with little anxiety as my boss is in another state… I think just get through the next 12 work days. And yet, that seems like an eternity. Truth is, I made my mind up almost instantly with this and now I just have to give myself permission to do it. Whether I’m being dramatic or not, being pushed far enough for that to be an almost daily thought is not okay. I don’t really let myself do what I want until I’m pushed way too far and the damage is done.

I am a creative, intelligent, free spirited, passionate, knowledge seeking, opinionated, stubborn, Italian from NY that lives in CA. Sometimes I let that define me and other times I laugh at myself at the thought of it. I’ve been known to take things too seriously and I’ve been known to be dramatic, I know I’m not the only one out there struggling to figure out my place in this world, but sometimes you have to give yourself permission to try something you’ve never done before despite how much it might make you want to piss your pants.

I revel in the thought of skydiving or scuba diving but starting my own company and wandering into the total unknown freaks me the fuck out.

From the heights of the clouds to the depths of the ocean I’m okay because I have an idea of what I’m in for… this… this is uncharted territory.

Funny how that works isn’t it?

I’m back to where I was at the beginning of challenge 2 but I’m filled with a little more knowledge a lot more exhaustion and a new take on what direction I want to go in. Do we ever really know ourselves? Can we? We’re constantly changing from moment to moment and the more I know, the more I know I don’t know shit. But such is life. Enough introspection I guess. Time for action… time to take the risk.

Happy Friday.

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Los Angeles Chronicles: Giving it one more shot

I’ve had more than enough mental breakdowns in the last week and I’m really ready to uproot my life again. I’ve done a few challenges with myself and I think I need to just take a break for now. Maybe I’ll write and just throw some stories out there.

I’ve been in a tailspin and I’m typically way more creative from that point so we’ll see what comes of it. I

I’m trying to be okay, but I’m not. I’m not okay.  I haven’t been in a long time. Despite trying and faking it and trying to make it work. I’ve been happier than I have in a very long time in the last 6 months, but I’ve also been ping ponging off the walls if you will. I had hoped I had put a lot of this behind me but the struggles seem to keep coming my way.

I’m making some changes and decided to move in the next month because my environment needs a shift. I’m just moving within LA, but I need to try something before I reinvent the wheel entirely. Giving it one last go and hoping it all works out.

If this next year doesn’t involve some major changes, life is going to hold many many a change for me. I think if LA doesn’t work a transatlantic shift is occurring. Come hell or high water something needs to work.

I’m hopeful that this works. I’m hopeful that this is going to mark another new chapter for me because I can’t keep hanging out in between books of life… I need to make a whole new book. It’s time to truly leave the last few years here behind.

Tomorrow is a new day, I am hoping to keep treating each day as a new day. I need to infuse some more pleasure and fun into my life despite not being able to walk well at the moment. I need an infusion of joy and excitement. Maybe I’m trying too hard, but something has to give man… right?

Fuck I hope so.

Day 60: I kinda stopped keeping track

Life is funny sometimes. It has a way of kicking you in the ass when you need it most and when you need it least. In the last month, I started a new job, kept the old one too, had a new roommate move in and out, in the midst of searching for a new one, going to physical therapy because of my ankle and foot getting worse after 7 weeks… not knowing if I’ll have the money to make the rent if we don’t find a 3rd person…. not knowing if I’ll be staying in this apartment after next week if we don’t find another person… not knowing  if I even want to…

To say my stress levels have been through the roof is an understatement. I’ve let this last challenge die down because I had more important things to do… And as I write that I realize the accountability to myself is where I lost it all. Having a doctor’s note for this week to get out of work is honestly more than I could have hoped for. Not knowing what comes next or knowing that the things I’ve most recently chose aren’t really what I want or need right now, are seriously getting to me. I was about to be in the best possible spot when it came to money. I was going to have two months of money in one month because of the fact that I kept the other job as a contract. I figured while I heal and recover from the foot/ankle injury I can rack up some savings and get myself to a place I’ve wanted to be for too long. Suffice it to say, now apparently isn’t that time.

I’ve noticed how much attention I haven’t been paying to my own needs lately. Some of it is because I haven’t really been able to go anywhere. Some of it is because I don’t really have friends in this area that consistently do things, but everyone I talk to in LA lives like that so who knows… The more I try to want this and let myself fantasize about having it…. the more I feel like I’m trying too hard for something that isn’t meant to be.

I was asked the other day if I would leave both of these jobs and chase something more passiony. But in terms of jobs I have no idea what that would even be anymore. I’ve successfully taken all of the pleasure out of my own life. Some of which has been for the better. And some of which has only hurt me more. So to say I even know what the hell to do next at this point is probably not something I should be answering… or maybe its exactly what I should be answering. Again funny how that line blurs.

I kept insisting that since I’ve left NY that I’ve become more a person I wanted to be. And that isn’t untrue, but it isn’t entirely true anymore. I don’t dislike who I am right now…. but I also don’t know who I am anymore. All of this is uncharted. I don’t have a friend group. I’ve been consistently alone for far too long. I’ve tried jobs and have been making progress somewhat in a career, but I feel like the word progress is only laughing at me now.

I’ve been able to talk myself down from an existential crisis more than once in the last month. But I had one the other day and that one went unchecked. I’m still feeling the fallout from it. I’ve been more honest about my feelings now than I ever have in my life and yet I feel like I’m not even paying attention to myself anymore. And when I don’t have anyone else consistently around… that’s more than a problem… loneliness is way more apparent in my world right now.

I’m not looking to define myself or push myself into a box. I’m not trying to restrict myself on anything. Down to the point where I just want to let myself have a little freedom regardless of what it is…. but now that feels like I’m lacking goals. I still can’t really walk or drive, I’m in pain daily, and I spent the majority of my time alone. My life right now is the opposite of what I want. I think it has been for a long time. And trying to figure out when, doesn’t matter from this point because going “back” couldn’t be further from a possibility. At least not in the way I think going back works.

I’m spiraling again and I feel like I do this more now than I ever have. I feel like I’m taking more chances and finding things really don’t work faster now than I ever have. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to get in my car and drive until I can’t anymore. I want to see where life takes me and be open to any of its possibilities. I want to run as far and as fast as I can away from everything and I want to never look back. I don’t want to be here. But I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to be in this situation in any way but I am and I don’t know what to do about it.

Why do I feel like my days are numbered here? Why do I want them to be? I could fix all of this by throwing money at it and in the long run who knows that might be better. But honestly I don’t want that. The thought of staying here another year, despite me telling myself that is what I’m going to do, makes me want to kick myself in the ass. I feel more lost now than I ever have, except now, I don’t blame myself for not taking the risks or giving something new a try. Now I don’t cope like I used to in both good and bad ways.

Now, I ask myself what the fuck are you doing more than ten times a day. What the fuck is the point of all of this if experiences and enjoyment aren’t the outcome? I can’t fucking play by these rules anymore. I never could but I keep making myself try. Why do I think the status quo is going to work when it never has?! Maybe I just don’t know what else to do, maybe I’m afraid, maybe a combination of both, but I know I can’t stay where I am right this second because it is not okay anymore.

 

Days 25-29: It’s funny how these things work out

I took a few days to myself and honestly its the best thing I could have done. Things seem to be turning out better than I could have expected and for that I am grateful.

This is my second challenge to myself and this is the second time that this has happened in the middle of it; a major shift. I was offered another position. I put notice in on my previous position. I was then asked to stay on as a contractor and continue to do one aspect of the job that I was doing, work the hours I want to work and get paid for that, but I get to work remotely.  I’ve been given benefits and perks in this new position that most definitely outweigh any reservations I had. And life has been treating me well, despite falling on my face and still trying to recover.

Money has been easy to come by and things are working out pretty much all the way around. I’m less stressed because I haven’t had to spend hours on end in traffic. I’ve been taking care of my body and trying to heal since falling. I’ve most definitely calmed down. And when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t see someone who’s dead inside…. as I did when I was going through the motions with my previous job as my life.

I planned a trip back to NY for July. A trip to Arizona in May. I’m going to try for a trip to Colorado in October. NY for Christmas and Vegas for my birthday in January. Trips can officially be taken off the list as an accomplished goal. It isn’t Europe or the UK, but honestly I’m more than happy with this list. I think 2019 is going to be the year I go back to Italy and maybe England. And maybe I’ll surprise myself in the middle somewhere with something else.

That being said… It really is funny how fast things change. I’ve been writing back and forth about depression and stability. I’ve been changing for the better little by little and it is when things work out that I can see the most change in me. But that’s the thing I’ve really realized… you have to end up depressed or angry or enraged at your situation for you to realize that you have to change something because this is no longer serving you. You need something to alert you to really make change in your world and for me it has to be extreme or I won’t really pay attention; I’ll go on business as usual because whatever.

If I look back at my life I never would have believed half of the things I’ve done so far. That goes for things both good and bad. I probably wouldn’t have believed that I actually made it to California depending on what age self you’d ask me. It was always a dream, but I feel like it was never expected to become a reality. And there lies the true difference in the risk and the chase. I’ve always been a dreamer but I’ve always been a realist. I think it’s the combination of the two that allow the dreams to actually be accomplished. The ability of knowing you have to take the risk to even potentially get the reward and realizing that shit is going to happen either way makes whatever risk you take more than worth it. Yes there are more details than that but I think you get the point.

It’s fucking hard to create a life for yourself. It’s even harder to create a life that you actually want to live. It takes many trials and errors. It takes a lot of nightmares and anxiety attacks and a whole lot of asking yourself what the fuck am I doing. But it can be done.

Not to get all cliche, but to accomplish something you never have before you have to do something you’ve never done. Just my opinion. I also think we have to realize how to adjust what our expectations became, what they used to be and what they could be from the point in which we stand in time.

I’m someone that often looks to the past for answers and it does and doesn’t help, but I’m so far past being someone I had been for the last  handful of years that it almost has to go back to the first college days or the days of high school when I just knew what I wanted and knew it was within reach. Going through the motions but still living way more in the moment than thinking about 5 to 10 years from now.

The difference between being a kid is that everything is a dream. An imaginatory situation that you can only think up in your head because you don’t have any life experience yet. As you become a teenager you think you have your little world all figured out and you probably do, because that’s all you can see. But you aren’t worried about half the things you might worry about as an adult because they most likely aren’t part of your reality. Your imagination is still only so big but in a shape shifting way from when you were a child. You become a young adult and you get the responsibility and freedom in a way you never had before and at this point it is a wonderful thing. You get out of college and now you have to deal with debt and loans and trying to break even while not trying to get drunk or high every night of the week because life is kicking your ass. While you’re still allowing yourself to have fun, you shift into another version of yourself. Maybe you grow up a little or maybe you grow down. We keep changing roles and shapes and personas until we figure out where our truth lies. And hopefully we enjoy the journey at times along the way.

I can tell you right now my truth feels a lot more like my 20 year old self and my 15 year old self than it ever has from 21-28. My current today, 29 year old self says holy shit man you feel like you for the first time in years and its a wonderful thing. But the things that you do in life and how you handle life are 100% different than they ever used to be and this time its serving you for the better.

I’m into meditation and self help books. I read at least 1 book per month whether its an adventure, sci fi, self help, or educational. I make goal lists on post it notes and stick them to my bathroom mirror. I read books and literature on the energies of the world and for the first time can acknowledge that I have a belief that is more spiritual than religious and not be ashamed to admit it to myself. I laugh at a lot of this because it is what it is. I didn’t grow up with most of this being any part of my life. I used to hate reading for one. I always thought it was boring… perhaps I was just reading the wrong shit.

Don’t get me wrong I still do a lot of the same things I did that I loved to do before like drawing, painting, writing and photography, but even these feel different. The inspiration and creative juices flow from a different part of me than they used to. I almost wish I had the childlike creativity back, but as I mentioned imagination changes as we grow older.

But we can’t always respect the journey when we’re on it. We have to learn to respect the journey when we’re progressed to a point where we look back and say I’m never going back there again. And whether it happens or not doesn’t matter. It’s like an internal promise we make to say I’m never going to let depression or anxiety consume my being. Or it’s going to say now I know what I need to do to “fix myself” this time.

I’m ready and I welcome the changes that are upon me. It’s taken almost 2 years and a handful of learning moments, wtf moments and personal meltdowns, but I think I’m finally close to creating the life I actually want to have. And when I can actually walk again I’m treating myself to the beach. Because little by little the life I said I didn’t want, doesn’t exist anymore.

Days 25-29: life is good. Day 30: keep on keepin on.

Day 22: getting clear on the next steps

I’ve been talking to a handful of new and different people lately. The more I talk to people the more I realize that we’re in some really weird times in society. I’m not the only one stuck between past and future. We as a society are seemingly caught between two worlds.

I grew up in a small town in Central New York. Things weren’t terribly cheap but cost of living was a lot more reasonable. We had malls and highways and skyscrapers and what not but it was a city of about 70,000 people, so the exposure to the real world was, let’s just say limited. Like I said we had a few malls, but I had never set foot in a Nordstrom until I moved to Boston at the age of 24, nor did I know what it was. And by that time I had been to 8 different countries on 3 continents and about 25/50 states. To say I was a bit sheltered is an understatement, but to call myself somewhat worldly is also not far from the truth.

It’s here that I still feel that stuck in the middle perspective except now I live in Los Angeles and ironically feel more sheltered, more isolated and more closed off than I ever have. Maybe it’s because I don’t have cable, maybe it’s because my thoughts are preoccupied with something else. I’m not sure. But the handful of friends I have that moved away are all starting to move back because the cost of life outside the hometown is astronomical and damn near impossible to attain. We’re the new middle class. The in betweeners. The ones that most adults don’t view as adults and consistently treat us like kids, but we’re entering into our early to mid 30s.

In a world of social media we’re stunted and exposed to all the wrong things at all times. Screaming to be heard and fighting for fair wages. Yet no one has a clue what they want to be then they grow up, nor do they know if the job they want will even exist when we get there.

Trying to make a life is hard enough on its own. But what happens when the majority of people don’t have a clue what they want to do and can only figure it out by giving it a try? You end up with trillions in student loan debt and an economy that’s about to shit the bed. And here I am trying to make a life in one of the most ridiculous cities ever (by choice but I still get to say it), and the price tag on everything has me stunned to the point of leaving the country.

This was not the world I planned on being a part of. This was not the life I thought I’d live. But I’m trying to make that life. I’m trying to create that world. I can no longer do it alone. Money, time, effort, passion. These things need to learn to play well together or I’m screwed. It’s time I do the one thing I’m unwilling to do without leaving this city and that’s get a second job. Either that or I need to seriously put my nose to the grindstone and start making money with my company which I believe to be a long shot right this second. I really think it’s time to get creative.

Anyone out there have any ideas or ways they use to jump start their creativity? I’m currently injured and not able to drive – so there’s that. Ugh maybe I just need some patience, but I’ve really had enough. We’re at about 8 years of patience here. This is my not so depressive cry for help. Help!

Day 22: Problem solved… I can’t do it alone. Day 23: I’m still lost I’ll figure it out when I get there.

 

Day 21: I have no idea what I’m doing

So I clearly have no idea what I’m doing, but then again in the game of life who really does?

I’ve applied to a bunch of new jobs in hopes of moving up, but I can’t help think about going back to NY. For the first time I’m admitting I’m afraid of getting what I want and I’m admitting this in ways I never knew existed until last night. After a conversation with an older cousin (she’s 70 and like the cool aunt in new and mysterious ways) I realized that I’m fucking scared of the things I say I want.

I’m afraid of having a relationship because I’ve been badly burned in the past. I’m afraid of really loving someone again because it’s wrecked me in ways that have resulted in me having to rebuild myself from scratch. I’m afraid of getting another job because all the ones I’ve had are stupid and I never seem to make enough money to actually live in any way other than paycheck to paycheck. I’m afraid of having complete freedom because I might just want to lay in bed for weeks at a time because I can.  I’m afraid of having and really pulling off my own business because I’m not ready to work that hard for something that might fail. All of these things are fear based. And all of them are irrational despite any truth.

I’ve failed before. I’ve loved and lost. I’ve dealt with life and death and a lot of things in between. I’ve dealt with anxiety, depression, mania, not knowing how I’m going to pay to live in my apartment anymore and having to go back to a life that was once killing me. And I’ve fucking survived to the point where I’m better overall than I ever fucking was. Sorry my angry NYer is showing.

We all have our demons. I know that my demon is in fact myself. It exists within and is only played with because of my own mind and the actions of others outside me. Always ready to react and not to take shit from anyone, but the people that are giving me the shit have no idea that they’re doing it. Suddenly the way we live doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Not at all.

I’ve made arguments in the past that society doesn’t make sense, but seriously man this couldn’t be more true in my world than it is right now. The idea of getting in my car and driving back across the country and staying in NY for a month doesn’t freak me out. The idea of stopping in places to see people and to actually live whether in hotels or in their houses or even sleeping in my car if that’s what it takes – is something I’m willing to do. But I’m not willing to stay here and deal with living paycheck to paycheck in hopes of making it by. I need to be thrown a bone that is only going to hit me in the face at full force and knock some sense into my world that has been somewhat lackluster.

And bam — that lightbulb goes on. I’m more willing to have the exact opposite of settling down and making a live in a city, to potentially own a home and have a relationship that might turn into marriage because it actually scares me and lights me up more to travel the world and for some reason I want to scare the shit out of myself. The answer to “what do you want” can no longer be responded to with “not this.” Not this is no longer enough. I don’t want the life I have. I really don’t. I want the idea of the life I have, not the actuality. I want the idea of the life in NY not the actuality. My expectations are not aligned with reality, but the things I want aren’t supposed to be things that are that fucking hard to achieve.

Like I said yesterday… I want a level of fitness I’ve yet to achieve and a body I can actually feel comfortable in. I want a business of my own. I want money to burn/ a savings of sorts, so that I’m not worried about buying myself dinner in a restaurant tonight. And I want to be able to travel to one place a year that doesn’t involve staying with my parents.

I’ve lived life in a lot of different ways, but I’m no longer willing to just go through the motions. I’m no longer willing to put up with a job that I can’t stand that doesn’t pay me enough money. I’m no longer willing to not have a social life because I don’t have the extra $10 to pay to park on top of whatever other hoop LA makes me jump through. I’m no longer willing to sit back and wait for things to happen that I say that I want to have “when I’m ready.”

I’m ready to have the life I want. I’m not scared anymore. I’m ready to be better at this and I’m ready to try harder to make it so.

I keep reinventing the wheel when feelings of inadequacy and stagnance become the lights leading the way home. This life seems to be a land where fun is not in sight and money is hiding too. And that can’t be my life anymore. I refuse to let it be.

I am ready for change. I am ready to change. I am ready to get the things that I want. I am ready to commit to my next leap. I said it the other day – faith wasn’t always something I’ve been friends with, but I took a leap of faith once and it paid off in ways I didn’t yet understand. It’s time to take another leap and have faith that it will help and change things in ways I don’t quite yet understand. And it’s time to take hold of the things that I say that I want because I can’t be afraid anymore.

The truth is – I have been standing in my own way. But I never knew it was because I was afraid to get what I wanted. I refuse to be afraid anymore. I’m ready to live. I’m ready to live the life I want. I’m ready to make changes in my world to do so. It’s time.

Day 21: always figuring out myself, but finally woken up. Day 22: getting clear on the next steps.

Day 20: forging a new beginning but being haunted by the past

Well it took me a few days, but I did it. I got back in the game and I’ve made progress I didn’t know was there to make. And for that – I am grateful. And of course there’s a but in here.. because I’ve been having thoughts and dreams over the last week that keep bringing up my past world…

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer to the point where if I don’t let a dream finish, then I end up feeling the emotions I was playing out in my head throughout the entire day. It’s kinda weird but it is what it is. I have been able to manipulate dreams and I’ve even had dreams come true in the past. I typically remember my dreams, but unless it involves something strange or someone out of the ordinary I don’t give it much thought. That being said.. lately I’ve been dreaming of the life I had about 6 years ago.

My biggest issue is and always has been, how do you move forward when you seemingly have one foot in the past?

Last week marked 2 years of me being in Los Angeles and I do love it here but I consistently get to “what’s the point” more often than I’d like. I’m making more money than I’ve ever made and I’ve had jobs in the field that I’ve wanted to be in since college. I’ve accomplished things I’ve always wanted to do, and I’ve stopped being someone I never wanted to become…yet for some reason it’s not enough. The funny things about dreams when you’re awake are the facts that once you get the things you want you’re on to the next one. The dreams you have when you’re asleep usually mark things in a different way (at least for me).

In an ideal world I’d buy a house here, travel to a handful of places and use this as a home base. I’d eventually get married and raise children and not worry about seasonal depression with 6+ months of snow and gloom because hell this is Southern California. But the median cost of a house is $600,000, rent is $1000 per month and ever increasing in an apartment I share. And my boss is making me take on the person he let go of’s job because he doesn’t want to pay him anymore. So I get more things to do but no pay. A lot of this is how I came to the conclusion that I want my own company. The issue becomes how do I stop the past from shaping my new chapter? How I do I keep the past behind me when there are so many ridiculous “knowns” in my head right now.

How do I continue “business as usual” when I know it isn’t really working?

I’ve talked about reinventing the wheel. And it made me think back to my first challenge of wanting to travel the world and actually feel like I’m living. Which I still want to do. I want to do it a million times over. Yet, I’m  not quite ready to leave LA because I’m still holding on to the dream I took when I decided to leave NY. I had to deal with potentially leaving this behind all summer last year and I got to keep it. So letting it go now seems stupid to say the least. It’s times like these where I look at myself and seriously look at myself and say what the fuck are you doing?! Why are you doing this again? Why are you doing this to yourself again?! What is it that you really want?!

And there it is. The kicker… I changed my life for the better, yes. I’ve changed myself for the better, yes. I’m better off financially than I ever have been, yes. BUT and this is a huge BUT…. I still have nothing I want. I’m not at the weight I want to be or the level of fitness. I’m not in a career I want to have I just keep getting jobs. I’m not at a place where I can spend money without guilting myself about it later. I’m not in a place to have a home. I’m not in a relationship in which the person I am with is who I’ll marry. I’ve not been on a vacation in 2 years that didn’t involve going back to visit my parents — aka not a vacation. So maybe that’s my problem again.

Too many things in your life today are the same things that have been ruling your past. Inadequacy. Being stuck. Not feeling alive. Being over emotional. Not being where you want in any facet of your life.

Maybe this new beginning is exactly what you need. Maybe it’s time to focus on one goal and one thing that will change you and your world exponentially. I have a second interview for a new job Tuesday. I’m working with a business coach to gain extra money. I’m not able to walk at the moment because of my ankle but when I can I want to start really taking care of my body. I want to start my day as if on purpose rather than hitting the snooze button.

I guess in reality despite telling myself I want to start over… what I really want is to start over. An admission I never realized until right now. I want to say this time is going to be different and mean it. Because it has to be. I owe it to me for this time to be different. My new dream is accomplishing one of the four things in my life that I say I want, but still have yet to get.

1: business
2: body /fitness
3: money to burn
4: one trip per year that doesn’t involve going to my parents’ house.

Day 20: crafting my new beginning is in play. Day 21: doing something about it.