Still riding the wave of happiness, I’m trying to breathe and take it all in. After taking a much needed day off yesterday, I’m actually having fun and doing a little more of what I want in life. I’m starting to realize that what I’ve been missing has been something I’ve been missing for a lot longer than I thought. I like being the artsy girl. I like being the crafty one. I miss dance and theatre and being a part of a group of crazy, silly, characters and artists.
I’m going through and re-reading my previous posts again because as I’ve gone through each week I’ve wanted to see the progression and consistency of crazy I’ve been putting out. Biggest difference is, right now if I left here tomorrow I’d be sad. I don’t want to run with the thought of never coming back. I don’t particularly have the things I want, but I’m getting closer to them. I feel differently about them. I’ve brought out the dreamer again. I’ve become alive again. Things don’t seem as urgent or crazy as they once did.
I’ve realized that outside of me is always going to be an influx situation. It’s how I deal with it internally that makes the biggest difference. That the majority of people only get life from their own perspective and I’ve almost had enough of saying anything to anyone about it in general that I know just won’t understand. Variations of this have been said and read for ages but when the inside is wrecked and wreaking havoc the outside world burns it to the ground. It’s hard to tune it out when you’re looking for an escape from yourself.
Right now my within isn’t raging or influencing my outside in the same way it once was. I’ve tuned out a lot of crap for my own self defense and I’ve been being myself in more ways than not with people again and it’s an amazing thing. I’ve realized that love is what’s been really missing in my life. I’ve had adventure. I’ve lived more than one life in my 28 years. I’ve been more than one person. Done more than I’ve ever thought I could. Time keeps going so I keep doing. Love, romance, attachment, attraction, over the top infatuation. Those are the things I’ve been missing.
I once had them as a teenager. I had them a little as an adult but all in bits and pieces. Never in the same person and never within myself. If that makes any sense. Now is different. The people I’ve been hanging out with are weird. They accept me for who I am. I accept them. They’re similar to the friends I had in high school but we’re adults. I’ve gotten attention, attraction, a little romance, and over the top infatuation with one person in the last two weeks. That’s huge for me. I still can’t get over it and I don’t want to. Relationships of any variety make a huge difference in your life and I’ve needed the personal attachment here since I got here. I let go of the shit but left a gaping void in its place. I’m finally starting to fill that void and it is an amazing thing.
Happiness and searching for it has been a trend in my writing for as long as I can remember. Boredom and annoyance used to reign, but in the last two weeks things have shifted. I am happy. I’m staying that way. I’m trying to keep the happiness train rolling but it’s so much easier since that one night of fun and freedom. That night has happened a few times over since but that’s only helping. I’ve stopped living like I used to mentally. I switched that station. In the last two weeks I’m not wondering what if. I’m focusing on right now. It’s made all the difference in the world.
6 weeks in and I’ve had three majorly different ideas coming in and out of my world. So two week cycle it is. But that cycle changes day by day. The last two weeks have been the biggest change in almost 2 years that I’ve made for the better. It’s about damn time.
Day 41: Almost halfway through my own challenge and I’m doing surprisingly better than I thought. I’ll take it.