Los Angeles Chronicles: Being Lost is Relative & so is Being Found

Here I am a year and a half into the “life I always dreamt about”… I’m without direction and fairly sick of looking to the past. Needless to say this experience hasn’t been what I’ve expected it to be – then again nothing ever is. In some ways it’s been a million times better than I could imagine and in other ways it’s one of the most life shattering situations to be in.

I am in love with Los Angeles. I love California in more ways than I can describe. The feelings of contentment and fullness. The clarity and the head space have both completely improved within. Yet, I’m so lost. I never expected to start a new life and end up with the job of my dreams, the love of my life, and a big fat bank account in a year. Honestly I’d barely expect that in the next five years (mostly because I’m realistic). But this entire experience has left me with one major thought — what do you do when you’re feeling completely lost, yet you’re finally feeling okay with who you are again?

Okay, wait a minute – hold that thought. Rewind…. I lost my job back at the end of May. I’ve been attempting to find my way since then, but I’ve been coming up short. I’ve gotten multiple interviews and have had call backs on second rounds, yet this time I can’t seem to seal the deal. After three months of agonizing over my next step and whether or not I get to stay here because of monetary responsibilities, I realized I’m just as lost as I was when I left, but now I’m a person I want to be.

I’ve come a long way from the person I had become when I left my hometown for the third time. I took a giant risk because I owed it to myself. I have given a lot and I have done what I have to do. Yet here I am worse off than I was when I got here. Feeling like a failure because I have nothing to show for this last year, but what lies within, I realize again…. being lost is relative. I may have found myself in a lot of ways, but when you’re lacking direction what do you do? I chased a dream to get here. I took a leap of faith and it initially paid off. I’m in a position to have to do whatever I absolutely must to stay, but I also have to admit to myself I absolutely do not want to leave.

All of these things come back to our own ideals and expectations of where we thought we’d be at this age. I have nothing I’ve ever wanted, yet in the last week I’ve been happier than I ever have in this country. Yes – this country. Some of it is letting yourself be. Some of it is realizing set backs happen, things don’t always fit, and it’s okay to feel what you feel. The difference is admitting the shit exists, but realizing that you don’t have to let it consume you.

I’ve dealt with depression for most of my life. I fight my own demons daily just to get out of bed. Sometimes I look in the mirror and realize hey the demon is me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I scream internally “you fucken got this stop doubting yourself.” And sometimes I fly without a net hoping for the best because uncharted territory and the unknown have taken over my life. But I digress…

It’s been a pretty great week for me so far. The month of August is turning my world around and all of it is happening for the better. The culmination of the last two months doesn’t define me. Nothing is set in stone and this is NOT the end. I need to remember to let myself have what I want and let myself be happy when shit hits the fan. I need to remember that school’s over and the “right path” in terms of life really doesn’t exist. Never having an answer to the question “what do you want to be when you grow up” I’m still searching for a career but maybe the issue is I haven’t invented it yet.

We are the creators of our own worlds. We have to take the good and the bad. When we feel we have nothing to show, we need to find small ways to prove it to ourselves. When we feel lost, we need to do something that makes us found in the space in which we exist. When we doubt our abilities sometimes we just need a friend. And sometimes we just have to play the game and play in general. Thus realizing that life doesn’t need to be so serious and that everything in life is temporary. And sometimes – I need to take my own advice and realize that life is good. Sometimes we all need reminders that we deserve to be happy and just let ourselves accept them.

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Lost Angeles Chronicles: Internal struggle in a >political< world of uncertainty

I’m finally at the point in my life where I seek information on a daily basis. Whether by curiosity or need, I spend most of my time reading. I can never seem to take enough information in and there is always more out there. The issue isn’t what is available – as Google does most of the work when it comes to searching – rather that who tells the truth, what is real, what is not and how much shit do I have to dig through to find it? And even sometimes, why is the satire just so damn true?!

Anyway…

There is a lot going on in this world, good and bad at any moment. People are up in arms about politics worldwide and people are doing everything from predicting the world’s end to ignoring that we’re even in trouble. What troubles me… what makes me fight myself internally… the future of it all. I sit here trying to plan for my future the best I can and now everything I thought was once possible is shifted. Everything I once wanted for myself seems so out of touch with reality. I find myself thinking, “holy shit I must be American because this whole thing makes me want to strap on a gun and rush the battlefield.” Yes, this is hyperbole, but anyone even somewhat like myself should totally understand where that’s coming from.

I try to go on with life “as usual.” I try to go through the motions and ignore what is out there because I know that it only ends up with me being angry that so many people are  entirely against others that they know nothing about and are so quick to call them terrorists when the United States has pretty much been the biggest terrorizer in the world since it was “born.” /run on sentence

But damn. How the fuck did we get here? Why?! What are we doing to ourselves and others?! How do we sit back and let people take over within our own country with views and beliefs that aren’t just opposite ours, but totally against everyone who isn’t them?! How did we become this completely divided among ourselves? When you wake up everyday and the threat of an attack in some form is now in your backyard, what are you supposed to do? This isn’t about being “safe” it’s about actually being able to live the life you want to live for yourself. Yes, safety plays a role but fuck man. At the end of the day our lives in the U.S. aren’t hard in conventional ways )#firstworldproblems is definitely the best way to describe it) but look at our government. We were supposed to be the system that was by the people, for the people…Now… The party that claims they want less government is the party that wants to take all your individual rights away by government mandate. The party that is supposed to be for all is totally split due to self righteousness and arrogance. And those that actually want to change for the greater good are being left unheard and walked on. So, where the hell do we go from here?

Again, I sit here and think about my future. The prospects of love and happiness, a potential family and house to raise them in. Not only are those things becoming harder and harder to attain because of the way the American world functions, but now I have to fight people off to have rights to my own body. I start thinking…”WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE” followed by, “How do I change the world around me?!” Why do I sit here in the midst of superficial shit screaming for change and no one pays attention? Am I the only one that wants to give up all my childhood dreams and figure out how to join in the political fight and change this from within? Why aren’t people more outraged? Do we not know how to ban together because we really have drifted so far apart?

Yes, my future has always been uncertain because time, unlike life is in fact linear… but the question, “where do I go from here” seems to have so much more attached to it now. As I fight for what I believe in, in hopes of a future actually worth having, do I have to fight myself too? I know this is a fight worth fighting, I know this is a risk worth taking, so why does it seem like so much of a leap of faith and why does it seem that my future is lost to me in a way it never was before? Why do I contemplate the real meaning of what comes next with such emphasis when in my proverbial yesterday  it didn’t seem as daunting? Who and what are we becoming and what do we have to do to change? Is anyone alive out there, can anyone hear me?!

 

I’ve always been a bit of a cheshire cat… my life is a disappearing act or so it seems

So I’ve always had the reputation of disappearing from the world every so often… apparently that holds true with my blogging as well – oops.

Not to be a broken record but – it has been a rough year. I’m really getting sick of saying that but eh, such is life. After multiple deaths, the cleaning of my now deceased grandmother’s home and the slew of friends that I’ve had to walk away from for personal reasons – life sent me a little reminder of a person I used to be. A person I was more proud of in every way. A person who hadn’t been as jaded by the world as I have now become. A person I was content (to say the least) to call me.

The person I used to be, the person I used to know, had disappeared. That person was lost along the way because of love, lust, fear, depression, anxiety, self loathing, ambition, and the list goes on but you get the point. This lost person has gone away before but usually rears their head when I least expect it.

Reminders like this are the reason I tend to not throw anything out. Everything has a memory. Everything has a feeling and a place in time for me in my life. And it’s these random things I’ve saved through the years that seem to help me out when I’ve seemingly disappeared or gotten lost in the dark.

I’ve lost myself in more ways that I’ve ever really known in the last five years. I’ve changed and shifted so many times in so many forms and have almost completely disappeared as I once knew myself. I’ve grown up a lot from the person I was in high school, college, grad school…and point blank I don’t like who I’ve become. Honestly I’ve been drowning in a sea of my own inhibition and doubts. I’ve been killing myself over things that I knew I never wanted in my life because I no longer knew how to exist without them. Some of these things are people. Some of these things are things. Some of these things are memories, hopes, dreams, fears or doubts.

Life gets messy. And I tend to be a bit of an in control manic person… Which if you don’t understand basically means that from the outside I look completely normal, I look in control, I look leveled out and somewhat content. But from the inside my head reels from extreme highs to extreme lows or completely nothing at all. It does this all day every day. Unless I channel it into being crazy busy and filling my days with people and things that I like. And if I throw any type of substance in the mix, the behavior tends to start to shift towards extremes as well. My mind is a dangerous place to say the least.

I’ve been reading a lot of my old journals and writings. I’ve been going through so much of my past in my head for days now and I really don’t understand how I got here. I mean I’ve questioned this once or twice and I do know the decisions that I’ve made that have brought me here but looking back – everything – that existed in my life from graduating college till now seems like such a crazy slue of events that blur together and don’t make any sense. I know there was a specific person involved that I loved and fell for. That I was toxically involved with, that I called my best friend. I still want someone like I had in that person and I still want to love and be loved but I still have to see that person every week and it kills me inside. I can’t even look at that person anymore. The one I knew and the one I felt so much for at any given time doesn’t exist either. They’ve been lost and they’re completely lost to me. But it wasn’t until I was reminded of who I was before that person came into my life that I realized how truly insane everything was. How insecure I was about everything. How with every day and every conversation we spent together I was falling deeper and deeper into a person I never knew was me. A person I never knew I was capable of being. I knew from the beginning that this person would ruin me because I just had this gut feeling that something was amiss. But to disappear to myself like I’ve disappeared from certain groups of people or locations over the years is crazy.

I’ve been through a lot with this person and they’ve made me grow and change in ways I wish I never knew I was capable of being. We all go through insane moments in life and we all lose ourselves time and time again. We grow, we change, we shift. But at the end of the day we have to find a way to take pride in just being ourselves. I’ve been struggling with what and who exactly I am these days. I’ve just about had enough of the insecurities but I know they’re far from over. Life is always going to be a work in progress as am I, but after a certain point do you ever stop doubting your own existence in this world or are you doomed from the start? I keep disappearing in all kinds of ways, literally and figuratively, but where I’ll end up the next time I disappear I know not. And despite being lost in all the insanity and toxicity sometimes it’s just good to know that you aren’t in it alone. But for now, I think I’m back, maybe. Haha.

Growing up is hard to do

Again it’s been a while…a lot of the same old and a lot of things I had forgotten about have been coming up lately. A lot of realizations have been hitting me through the last few weeks and despite attempting to write pieces before this I haven’t had a chance to actually do it…So here goes.

I’ve been through a lot this year and absolutely nothing at the same time. I’ve moved in and out of my parents house to move back in. I lost a love that I still have to constantly see and my first love happened to resurface. It makes me think a lot about relationships, not only those with my past loves but my parents and friends. It makes me think of my relationship with myself. I’ve always been my own worst enemy but I also have a ridiculous amount of self awareness. Sometimes it’s a good thing but as of late, I’m pretty sure it’s only making things worse.

I’ve been reading a lot of random internet articles that highlight things about growing up in previous ages and times. Relationships, loves, goals, lifestyles. It makes me freak out a little more than I already have but it also makes me hope for something better out there.

Moving back in with my parents is a great and terrible thing. I love them, but I’m pretty sure we’d all like each other a lot more if I got the hell out and stayed there. Unfortunately I’m not in a position to be able to pay for rent and all the other bills I have. If it were up to me I’d be attempting to buy a house because every other major thing I’ve done thus far has never seemed or felt like it has payed off. For example, college – two bachelors degrees, a partial masters and a mountain of debt with nothing to show for it but frustration and an empty bank account. A house is an asset. It’s an instant pay off but it’s an investment. Yes things can go wrong but it is independence at it’s finest. It’s a place to call your own. It’s freedom. And seeing how I have no savings it’s going to be a long time coming for me to actually get a house. Which leads me to attempt building something else – a career.

Seeing how I’m not getting any younger here, I’ve been trying to take a different approach to a career. I want to build something rather than take random jobs that lead me to Depressionville in the land of Goodlucknexttimemoron. I want to lead myself to things like a house or providing for myself in a way I have not yet been able to achieve. But the opportunities in the places I have available to me really aren’t existent. So what do I do? Move? With what money? With what support system? With what job options when I haven’t actually done anything thus far that I’ve wanted to do in a career… The world out there is freaking hard. And I get it, it’s supposed to be, but to what freaking end? I’ve tried explaining this to my parents but despite any efforts, they still really don’t get it. The struggle is real, end rant, moving on.

This leads me to the relationships I have with my friends. I have some I love, some I could stand to lose and some I could stand to gain. That may be a bit harsh but if you’ve lived it or are living it you’ll get exactly what I mean… Sometimes you have friends because you’re wandering in the same circle at the same time. Well eventually you get to the point where even though you really care about them and don’t necessarily want to push them away, the circles no longer intersect. You’re now wandering in another place entirely and that place is a place that needs new people to share the journey with. That being said, I’m living in my hometown. A place I never felt I belonged and feeling lonlier and more alone than ever. Uh, no joke, people call me the mayor because of the amount of people I know, it doesn’t help. You can be surrounded by people, but if they’re the wrong people it won’t make any difference. I’m gonna ask you to hold the friend thought for a moment and insert the love part:

So relationships with loves past, present and let’s hope they don’t haunt my future -always interesting. My first love and I have a weird kind of relationship with each other. We both tend to disappear, but we always seem to pick up where we left off. Weird comfort zone meets you don’t meet your soul mate in a crib. We’ve been lifelong friends but never a part of each others’ daily lives. Yes, I know I’m gonna say it again, weird. After a few years of not speaking they popped back into my life. So far so good but now I’m dealing with the only two people I’ve ever loved in my life at the same time and I’m not sure if I’m okay with it. Both of my loves have been my best friend at one point or another, but we all share something… emotional unavailability. And yet because of it that’s why we work/ed until now. It’s wanting what you know you can’t have. It’s not being able to tie down the wind. It’s proving yourself wrong and seeing that this person can love you but proving yourself right because it’s never in the way you really wanted or expected it to be.

I started writing like this because I’ve been trying to change myself piece by piece. I want to have a written statement of things I’ve thought, felt, experienced. I have a few places I write but something like this allows people in the world outside of me have a voice about that I say and put out into the world. It makes me feel a little less alone. It makes me feel like I’m building something I can control that can’t crumble. This year has made me do a lot of things that I had never done before. Things that I never really thought I would do. And most of those things I would consider bad at this point, but I’d also consider them a bit of a lifeline at the time. It’s made me realize that my relationship with myself is a lot worse and better than I thought. Unpause the friend thought:

I’ve been talking to my friends from college a lot lately and have really remembered some things I have forgotten about myself. They know a completely different version of “me.” They knew and lived with and amongst someone so different than the person I’ve been living as now. And personally, I like the person they knew better. I’ve been so focused on the relationships with my parents, my literal situation, my friends, my loves, and trying to act like an adult that I’ve become more lost than I had ever been before. I lost myself. And maybe it’s because for the first time I don’t have a best friend of the opposite sex and it feels like something’s missing and a lot more has changed than I thought. But maybe not. Maybe I have completely lost myself. But at any point I did what I had to do for my own personal, mental, physical, whatever survival. Yes, I’m being dramatic but this is my life and who I am that I’m talking about. It’s made me ask myself how much of me is because of me and how much of me is because of someone else? Parent, friend, love…all of them. When did I lose the person I feel like I knew myself to be? Because right now I feel like it was about 4 years ago and that’s a damn long time to wander in the dark.

I’ve never been someone that’s had long term relationships, I just haven’t. And commitment is a bit of a foreign concept to me, but I don’t forget anyone I meet, talk to or let into my life (I think it’s my curse). I’ve been trying to stop repeating my past. I’ve been trying to change things I do. I commit too much to friends yet don’t know what it means in a romantic type relationship. I want to get into the next chapters of my life. I’m sick of feeling like someone who’s just completely winging it and flying by the seat of their pants in hopes of landing on something that won’t fall apart. But when you feel you’ve lost yourself, do you back track? Do you just try to move forward? Or do you realize that your entire life you’ve felt this way in the location you’re living in again and even now when you look back things are always better in hindsight than they were as shit was going down. Where do you go from here? Where do you grow from here?

Questioning who you are

So I’ve been having a bit of a dry spell when it comes to creativity lately, but I do have two questions that sort of relate to each other from a “who are you” standpoint.

Question one: Do we ever really live to see ourselves become someone other than our fifteen year old selves?  

I’ve talked about “the version of your 15 year old self” before, but I ask this because after having a conversation with a friend of mine after a few drinks – insecurities and self doubt started to play a role in where the conversation went. My friend started talking about her parents and high school and other things that bother her and get under her skin. She says that regardless of how much time has passed, when people say or do those things (friends or parents), she reverts to that 15 year old girl who has little faith in herself and many insecurities. She is now in her 30’s and has come a long way since then but still her reactions to certain things and feelings that go along with those things revert to that 15 year old. I can say that I’ve felt like this many a time in life and I tend to continuously go to that point because I think that’s just what I know and what I’m used to. But I never really thought other people looked at it that way…

They say that we are shaped not by what happens to us but how we react to things. Well if something happened to you consistently at a certain point in your life let’s say 15, won’t you react the same way at a later date? You don’t always have control over your reactions. Events and people shape your life. When you’re 15 you’re learning new things and becoming less of a child. You start to question and fight authority about things (pick a topic). You are growing and learning and there are a lot of new things going on in life, but high school and people around you are usually anything but helpful. You can find out at this point that you’re on your own. You can find that now, whenever you feel happy or excited or down and depressed that you revert to what could be considered your old ways. Well I know that all the craziness of emotional issues and angsty teenage behavior set in around 15 for me. I’ve never considered myself a rebel, but I’ve always kind of found a way to do whatever it is that I want (I don’t really mean criminally) and this still tends to be the case today.

I mean think about it – we grow and change yes, but after a certain point aren’t we all set in our ways? Aren’t the things the bothered us then still effecting us now? People in our lives, the way they do things or react, make us do or react in a certain way. Because of where we’ve been and how we’ve existed can we ever truly leave the past behind in terms of ourselves and our own processes? Does my other random thought really play a role in this too… that to know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been… Despite learning and growing as a person and into an adult or even just past that angsty teenage phase, can we ever truly leave that person behind?

This leads me to my second question: What if life is a process of continuously losing yourself and your way?

We aren’t the same people at every age but certain things can continuously have their affect on us. Our reaction can be the same, the feelings the same. I’m sure we can all say that we’ve tried to figure out what we want in life from time to time and things have definitely changed despite maybe feeling set in our ways. Face it life never goes where you think, want or expect it to go. It just doesn’t. There are always twists and turns. And even if we end up with everything we want at some point, eventually it won’t be enough because we’ll want something else. Change is hard for people but we all have to do it at some point in our lives. And sometimes change doesn’t give you a choice whether you’re “set” or not.. you have to deal in some way. When you fail, when you realize that what you thought you wanted is no longer what you want now, ending relationships, friendships, moving, any life altering change can make you lose yourself. Love can make you lose yourself. Not knowing what you want can do the same, how can you find your way if you don’t know what you want to attempt to get? But eventually we have to “find” ourselves and our purpose or goal. What happens when we do? Do we just “become found” or “less lost” how does it work? The saying that people never change is very seemingly true but change is also inevitable. So how does that work? How do you find yourself when you’re lost? It isn’t the same process each time but how can it be?

Is it that realization that “…if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard; because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.” Yeah another movie quote, but think about it. You feel lost so what do you do? You look within. You go through what it is that you had. You read things, you Google the most random things. You think about times you were happy and how you can get back to that. What can you change to go back to that state… time is fleeting. Time is lost the moment it’s found. We are who we make ourselves out to be, but we’re not the only ones that cause a reaction. People shape us. Events shape us. Life is only linear in terms of time going forward. However, we have the ability to regress and fall backward in millions of ways. Are we zig-zagging through life in hopes of finding something we maybe didn’t achieve the first time or do we keep getting pulled back into places that we need to learn more about or be reminded of?

I’ve been lost for a longer time than I ever initially thought. But I can’t remember where I really lost myself. I always seem to go back to that 15 year old person and use that as a starting point. Everything after that is a blur. College was fun and crazy and I learned a lot about myself and about the world from traveling through it, but I don’t initially revert to college when I try to figure out what went wrong in life or for a different way to say it where I lost my way. I was always scared to let people in after a certain point for concern of losing myself in those I care far too much about (think relationships). Truth is that happened anyway. Life after college has been a blur as well. I can’t say anything after college was what I expected it to be, nor was it what I thought I wanted. Blurred lines are everywhere. Is it because I have a crazy intuition and tend to sense what people need if I actually pay attention? Do I get lost in them because I have the ability to help? Or do you really attract those in life that are most like yourself therefore I can relate because I actually have been there?

I don’t have the answers to these questions but I’d certainly like to hear what people think. In your core values despite outside knowledge or education do you ever really lose that inner 15 year old? And is life a process of losing yourself and your way and then trying to find it again? Thoughts…

 

Too many questions need answering… Let’s just stop for a moment

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Maybe I’m more delusional than I thought or maybe I’m just a sucker for an epic adventure story but the more I sit around in my hometown the more I want to be out in the world. For about five seconds I’m content here. I like going out and having fun. I like hanging out and relaxing with my friends. I’m on better than good terms with my parents. Never really had too many familial problems. We all have mommy issues but it is what it is. But at any given moment I always feel like I’m bigger than this place. Like I’m destined for more. And take it from me, I’m anything but a believer if you catch my drift.

I’ve been told I’m one of the most open minded people because I don’t care what you believe regardless of topic, subject, religion, relationship, whatever. If you want it to be or you believe in it fine by me as long as you don’t force your system or thoughts on me. I left this area wanting to run screaming. I’ve gone through my obstacles along the way, some miniscule and some more meaningful in the midst of it all. I’ve had my friends prove their friendship to me more than I could’ve hoped. I’ve had more faith in calling this area home recently than I have in a very long time. Yet I’m still not entirely okay with being here. The notion of home is broken. It has been since the first time I left for college over 5 years ago.

I’ve grown and changed as a person in many ways shapes and forms. I’ve lost sight of my original self and I can’t say that’s a terrible thing. I’ve lost sight of the person I was a few years ago. I’ve lost sight of the person I became when I was at my lowest. I’ve found lower and deeper depths than I ever deemed possible. I held on to the past for so long yet I seemed to let it all go at once along with a piece of myself. I have no sense of home and I don’t know what to do about it. I have no love interest or relationship. I don’t know what I want as a career. And I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I know what I went through while I was in school yet part of me is really thinking about going back there. Do I thrive on the pain? Am I feeling so lost because I’m lacking the constant aching wound? I still haven’t entirely fixed the one from my best friend yet it sure as hell isn’t what it used to be. I don’t know where I’m going. I know where I’ve been but I’ve lost sight of so many things along the way.

I’m trying to figure out what I want, where I want to go. I’ve been living in the present more recently than I ever have in my life. I think to the future and what I want yet I slide back to what I currently have. I’ve never been a crazy risk taker but I’ve been known to do what I want in any moment. Going “back home” isn’t an easy decision. The job prospects are slim. The things to do are typically boring after about five seconds. I don’t want this life anymore, yet here I am again. I have so much love for my friends and the people around me. I still can’t totally let go of my former best friend. Things have and haven’t been happening. I have more and less freedom than ever yet – I don’t really know me anymore.

Being home, being content, becomes harder and harder. I listen to my friends from graduate school making things happen and I envy them. I know I couldn’t put myself through that again. That isn’t my path. Yet this doesn’t seem to be either. One moment I feel like I’m doomed to wander the planet alone in search of something, happiness, myself, salvation I honestly don’t know. I feel like there’s so much out there to achieve. I don’t even begin to know where to start. The dream I once held for myself hasn’t been since my last semester of college. I haven’t really found anything else to dream for since then. I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’ve had plenty of one night stands. I have a ton of student loan debt. I’ve done everything in life I’ve ever wanted to thus far. I have friends that I know would always have my back. I have friends that I talk to like siblings despite being an only child. I’m a cynical realist but a secret romantic. I’m guilty of being a game player but who isn’t these days. I’m sick of trudging through the fog only to be continuously rained on. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for myself. And everything in my life proves it. But what do I do? How do I fix this when I don’t exactly know what’s broken?

No one can tell you what to dream and how to get there. Life isn’t that cut and dry. Everyone is on a personal journey and no one person’s is the same. I’m not a big believer of everything happens for a reason but after a certain point I start to see why some things happen. You don’t always have to know why something happens but it’s nice to know why the crazy shit happens. Whether it’s supposed to teach you something or not who knows. I see life in two ways. One is the way of being in my hometown around my parents and family. The not-so-easy easy way because I have a geographically sound support system for the most part. The other is the hard but damned near impossible way of going it alone.

How do you go after something when you don’t know what you want? How do you make anything happening when you’re wandering through the woods lost? I’m a sucker for an epic adventure. I love getting lost in these stories in the characters. The details of the worlds. The distinct histories that have been created accordingly. I have a love for things I find beautiful. Landscapes, great food, ice cream, the ocean, old world Europe, ruins, things that have withstood the ages and yet are still semi intact… the list goes on. I’ve had vivid dreams come true. I’ve had crazy nightmares that I just kept sleeping through. I’ve known the feeling of contentment with the energies of the world. I’ve felt so alive and so alternately dead. I’ve known soul mates and love. I’ve known anger and rage. How can you know and feel so much yet feel and allow yourself so little acceptance?  How do you build a notion of home when it has been thusly broken? How do you piece together a dream when you don’t know what you want?

People always ask me what I’m afraid of and I always hesitate to answer them. I’m not a fearful person. I’m not afraid of death or dying. I’m afraid of not living, really living. Maybe that’s why I’m so annoying to myself right now. All I feel that I do is complain on this even though I’m just writing out my thoughts. I’m expressing my thoughts, feelings, wisdom in the only way I seem to know how. I draw, I paint, I write. I’m a generally creative person yet I don’t know how to let the creativity ooze from my every being unless I’m in raw form.

I’m a walking contradiction because I’m a realist but I’m a romantic. I’m a cynic but I’m a dreamer. The inner struggle is the worst and I’m my own worst enemy but I don’t know how to let that go. I like being around people but I like being alone. I won’t go out and think I’m going to have a bad time. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what I’m missing but I know something isn’t right. I know I can’t be the only one feeling this way yet everyone I speak to just doesn’t get it or attempt to know how to fix it.

I know I’m young but I don’t think that way. I’ve been providing for myself in many ways for a very long time. I’m rough around the edges but no one is a pristine form of themselves ever so I don’t expect perfection. But how do I get this to stop? I over think and over analyze everything. I do it for the knowledge. I do it for other alternative perspectives. I’m not looking for someone to give me an answer but to open my mind to a new way to think about something. I will ask for help if I need it but if I can’t articulate what it is I need I won’t be caught dead asking. How do you change what you know because you know it’s bad for you? How do you stop being your own worst enemy and start being your own best friend without the cockiness? When I feel like I’ve achieved a lot and so little how do I see the good without the bad? Am I too aware of all sides? Is there such a thing? How do you find yourself in a lost world of possible outcomes but no strict desires on the forefront? How do you achieve greatness and personal success if you don’t know what it means or what you want?