Day 13: Taking a Detour to Talk about Love

So I knew this would happen eventually – I’m taking a detour in my regular scheduled programming to talk about love. I’m not a very one track mind person so of course with this challenge I’ve been playing with a lot of ideas. For those of you just tuning in… I’ve been in love twice in two very different, but complicated scenarios.

Without delving too deep into the depths that is my pitiful relationship history… I’m going to leave it at they both ended and not well.

I’ve lived in California for almost 2 years and haven’t seen either of them in the same amount of time. I spoke to one once, but that’s about as far as it goes. I’ve never been one to actually be in a committed relationship and it wasn’t because I was against it. I just never seemed to pick the right guys. Yeah I know that’s what they all say. But in all seriousness my love life like many other facets of my life has been less than normal.

As I’ve been looking to live the life I want, I’ve been thinking about love in conjunction. Is today’s dating scene so skewed because of the way we live? The hookup culture because we need that instant pay off but aren’t ever in it for the long haul? The fact that everyone seemingly has their own agenda and has so many issues of their own are we breeding people not to love each other?

I mean seriously – We thrive on material, we thrive on instant gratification. We thrive on buy now pay later. Love is the exact opposite. Love is something you build and grow with and around. Love is dynamic. Love does not always pay off but it does in so many unexpected ways. It is that otherworldy entity that we all hope to one day possess in some way. Whether we want to live a life we love or life a life with a person we love, or both.

Are we standing in our own way yet again to keep ourselves from love because of the needs society pushes on us? In an age of divorce is it us or is it the lack of societal value on something so invaluable? It’s the same thing with friendships… I live in Los Angeles… the majority of people aren’t from here, they’re dreamers trying to accomplish their hopes. They’re trying to live a life they hope to love. Which ironically ends in a lot of loneliness.

As I’ve said I’ve been here almost 2 years and I still don’t really have friends. Being known as “the mayor” in my hometown and a few of the other cities I’ve lived in, this was a hugely foreign concept to me. You mean people don’t hang out? They don’t get to know each other? They don’t do things together? I wouldn’t say never but typically not so much. And I know, I know how would I know? I’ve lived with 4 different people since I’ve gotten here and not one typically hangs out with anyone. Ever. Let alone consistently.

As I work on putting the pieces of a life I love together, I hope somewhere I find the love part with another person and the life I love to live. I don’t know many people that hope to end up alone forever. Yeah I’m being dramatic but you get my point.

Society has its own agenda. IT dictates our lives in so many ways. We can break the mould and think outside the box and try new things, but in a world of sheep how does the wolf find love? It needs to be with the other wolves naturally… but in this world how many of the wolves are pretending to be sheep and how many of the wolves are afraid to admit they’re a wolf?

Wanting to love someone isn’t a weakness. Wanting to be with someone and share a life with someone is not a weakness. In fact it’s the opposite. It’s allowing yourself to be vulnerable with a person that you actually have a connection with or interest in learning about. At the core of our being, people need people. Where is the love? You want to know why society has gone berserk? We’re so hellbent on the almighty buck and becoming millionaires to live the life we think we want with material shit and are less focused on the experiences and love we share. Millennials have a bad rep when it comes to experiences and the desire for doing the unconventional, but honestly I think we’re all yearning for the connections that life hasn’t given us and we’re doing everything we can to get our hands on it in other ways.

People are getting divorced in higher numbers than they’re getting married. That’s been an unfortunate trend for years. People are waiting longer and longer to get married. Longer to have children. I’m not saying waiting is a bad thing because everyone has their own timing in life, but overall… Where is the love?!  Are we all simultaneously screwing ourselves out of one of life’s most precious experiences because we can’t figure out that we actually need to help each other and get to know each other rather than using each other to advance? Where does the line of living a life you love with someone you love and being miserable alone exist?

Clearly it’s different for everyone, but with technology at our fingertips and the world becoming a lot smaller of a place… why aren’t we allowing for love? Are we so scared that we’ll lose everything we’ve worked for because of someone else, that we can’t even try? Are we so afraid that this person might actually help us succeed more than fail? I think we are… I think we’re so terrified of getting burned for real and that we’ve already been burned with things like student loans and shitty economic circumstances that we’re afraid to really take a chance on anything else.

Life is hard at best… would you rather live in fear alone or take a chance and maybe find a life you love and a person you love? I know I’d love both and I’m gonna try until I get both. Take a chance on love. Take a chance on self success. You never know maybe you’ll learn something about yourself.

Day 13: preaching to the choir. Leaning into loneliness.

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Time comes and goes so quickly here

I’ve been out of work for a few months now. To say that I have unlimited freedom and majorly limited funds is an understatement. It’s a concept I’ve never experienced in life this way until now. As this summer has progressed I’ve learned a lot of things, mostly about myself but about people too. I’ve changed a lot in the last few months alone. I’ve run in circles, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hid from the world, I’ve screamed for attention – yes almost literally. But I keep coming to the same point – everything is temporary and is only so for the time being. Time.

Life is made up of time and time only goes one way. Memories, feelings, reactions, who we are, who we might want to be, are all things that seem to come from the past (if you ask me). So to know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been, but you don’t have to be defined by where you’ve been. Time is a fickle friend, once spent cannot be earned back. Once held cannot stand still. That being said, I can assume that the majority of people in the world all want similar things; well similar concepts. Let’s call those things: love, happiness, and success. That is what they hope to achieve with their time. If you’re a dreamer you may want whimsy. If you’re an idealist maybe you’re more in search for peace or equality. But I’d say despite differing personalities people need people to achieve love, happiness, and success (right?).

So why do we live in a world where we’re all fighting against each other, when we are in fact all working towards a similar goal? Well perception of these concepts comes into play, but somehow I doubt one can define happiness as armageddon or the end of the world. Then again I’m not going to assume that at all because I don’t need anyone to prove me wrong in this case. But you get the point.

Why spend your entire life competing with someone who may intimidate you, or may be better than you, or may be different than you, or may be an equal to you, when you most likely have something to learn from that person and that person probably has something to learn from you. That is kind of how society works in a nutshell is it not? We’re given a moral compass and a set of rules so to speak and we construct society within those realms. We grow and learn and adapt as society changes and grows and succeeds or fails.

At risk of sounding like a crazy hippy where’s the love man? I’ve been in love a few times. I have moments I still miss those I had such love for, not because I miss them as a person necessarily but I miss the role they held in my world. Who they were to me at that point in time. Every person you ever meet shapes you. People are inherently negative and we have to work daily to overcome that. We let others dictate our feelings whether they’re a complete stranger or not. Yet we don’t pay enough attention to the feel good, loving, happy go lucky mentality long enough for it to work for us as a whole; as a society. If we did I’d spend a lot less time writing about anxiety and depression. I’d also spend a lot less time feeling that way, but I digress.

We so easily lose track of time in our own heads, in our own world of feelings and thus do the opposite of what we need. Almost to the point of having to force ourselves back into the world of the living.

The reason I started this post was because earlier today I was missing the life I had 5 years ago. I had fun. I lived. I did what I wanted. I loved. I had someone in my life that I loved with all I had. I had friends and those around me that I could have fun with and enjoy their company. I wasn’t happy back there, due to a handful of things that have since changed, but I was happy in ways I never understood until now. Now time has been kind to me in the ways I lacked, but cruel in the ways that I once had.

I’ve competed with hundreds of thousands of people in my life without even knowing it. I’ve been competing with people for jobs through interviews this entire summer. I’ve been gaining and losing love in more ways than I knew existed. I’m actually learning how to really and truly love myself. But everything in a few short months has changed. My world 5 years ago only exists in my memory, as does my world 5 months ago, and my world 5 minutes ago.

Time changes everything. Sometimes it’s for the better. Sometimes you don’t realize how much you need others in your life to help you, have fun, hold your hand, hug you, talk to you, interact with you, smack you awake, change your perspective or teach you something. Sometimes you have to go back and visit those memories to realize the lessons you actually have to teach yourself. Sometimes you have to leave those things behind you and keep moving forward with time holding your hand and leading the way.

Time moves fast. We lose track of it constantly. Time can only be spent. It cannot be earned. So why waste another minute doing something that doesn’t set your soul on fire? Why waste your time doing something you hate? Being with someone you don’t love? Not being with someone you do love? If you’re stuck because it is a means to an end, great, keep on keepin’ on. If it is something you believe you have to do, to get to the next step, then hey we all need to eat and pay rent. But if it is something that doesn’t bring you joy, doesn’t make you happy, doesn’t involve love or the pursuit of success, then why do it? Learn to be kind to yourself. Learn to be kind to those around you. Spend your time wisely, it’s all that you’ve got to lose.

Rewriting Love: 5 minutes ago

For those of you following allow, this is chapter 8 in my “book.” This was one chapter I had yet to write, so I’m doing it now.

If I had a dollar for every time I wrote about love…Where to start. Love is a necessary evil. A villain and a hero. It is the best of the best but it can strike us down where we stand. Love is a power struggle. An irreverent battle that can never really be won. Or at least sometimes it feels that way. Having to believe that LOVE in its entirety is the sole topic that has been written about the most in human history I still have to take my own approach. Here goes.

I’ve been in love twice in my life and neither one was anything like I expected. Both had their very good and very bad moments. Both had moments of sheer elation and sheer devastation. To me, love encompasses everything we know this world to be. It is an exchange of energy for another soul – human being – that you can’t quite explain, for the emotion of it all takes logic completely out of the picture.

The first time I fell in love, I was so stuck on my feelings of what you gave me and the way you treated me that you were my favorite person in the world. And like everything else in my life, you never stayed. Granted that wasn’t either of our faults – we were kids and we went where our parents took us. Which ironically is probably the only reason we ever ended up where we did later in life. You were the one that got away, yet you were the one who came back. The one that just let me be when no one else even cared to stand with me. You chose me time after time and I never once understood why. We needed each other in the chaos, yet we were so consistently inconsistent neither one of us knew how to stay. We declared our love in the most unconventional way as that was how we knew how to be; now looking back it fits “us” to a tee. We spent most of the last ten years sleeping together and always constantly going back to each other and never taking it any further. Crazy fly by night whirlwind of emotions that neither one of us could ever admit and when we did everything went to hell. Never truly belonging to the other yet still knowing how to be vulnerable and still knowing what it feels to be safe within the madness. We provided for each other something I don’t think either of us really made sense of – ever. You were the one I could be innocent and safe with. The one that let me be all kinds of me with and knew with a look on my face what I was going to do next. Feeling like we never really knew each other in daily lives because one of us was always leaving, we knew at the core of our existence who the other was and that was enough. You were my first love and you were meant to be. It really is that simple.

I think I loved you from the moment I really met you: my second love. You saw me when I thought I was invisible. A connection, a passion and a lust I had yet to ever realize could exist. So toxic, so raw, so fantastical. Another never knowing where I stand grey area sort of romance, I don’t think either of us expected to end up where we did. Never knowing where the other would be yet finding each other anyways. Both of us not knowing what we had really gotten into, we flew by the seat of our pants and let things happen as they may. Soon enough we were hanging out 3 or 4 days a week. Going out, partying, eating, drinking, exploring, having fun, learning about each other, sharing secrets, sharing ourselves, we didn’t really have any limits. Little did either of us know that we wouldn’t spend more than 3 weeks apart in a 5 year period. Little did we know that those we once considered best friends were now second to each other. That despite not having labels or actually being in a relationship “together,” we were attached. We needed and yearned to be close and I don’t think either of us really understood or cared to know why. I knew how I felt about you, but I also knew you. I knew “trapping” you wasn’t going to work and making you do something you didn’t want wasn’t going to work either. The last thing I wanted to do was change you because you were who I loved. I loved the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, I was all in. I was invested. And to a certain point so were you. After about a year of this you told me you loved me. You told me there was no one like me. We went on for years hanging out and living adventures. Keeping a balance for each other so the other didn’t fly too far off the hinges. So much better together than we ever were apart. Constantly making each other crazy, but always in need of that presence. As time passed the more people noticed. Always together, always around, could always find each other in a crowd. But sure enough it didn’t last. I revealed my truth. My feelings. And you couldn’t. Always together but never really knowing where we stood. Always unyielding to the other, always struggling for control. We broke what we had and who we were in every way possible. Even after we broke it we still yearned for the togetherness that would  never exist as it once had. Now strangers to each other those two people existed a lifetime ago. But the memories and the loves of our lives never really leave us. Not really.

Present day: the time I’m currently working on the relationship I have with myself. This is the time of my relationship I have with my love of knowledge and pursuit of passions within. I was once told by a psychic that two men from my past would come back into my life, both would ask me to marry them and I would have to choose. If those two men are loves 1 & 2… then I choose me. I’ve gone through the trials and tribulations of a relationship without actually being allowed to be in one. Or at least in a defined one. And maybe that’s my fault for allowing it but maybe it isn’t because I loved two guys that have yet to love anyone the way we loved each other. That may be me fantasizing again but it’s how I feel. Love is everything in life and a lot of it starts with where you care for yourself.

From loving yourself to loving others you have to find where you fall before completely losing yourself in the abyss that can exist when a love is unrequited or no longer exchanged. Finding what you want from life achieving happiness through love can only be something achieved when you have a good enough relationship with yourself because when you’re being vulnerable with yourself and truthful with yourself you can admit the wants and needs you have and work at them. Whether that may or may not be the best thing to do in certain situations is for you to decide. Extending yourself or your hand to be able to love someone comes with great responsibility. The more of yourself you give, the more you have to lose. That’s why they call it a heart – break. When you break a dish and you glue it back together there are still cracks. You have to fill the cracks and the missing pieces to become whole again and sometimes that takes time and sometimes we never truly fill the cracks; at least not in ways we might expect.

For how does one define love? Is it a state? Is it a feeling? Is it more than that? A friend of mine defined love as “caring about someone so deeply it’s almost more about them than yourself.” That lead me to ask – is love an act? Act of kindness, act of faith? If love were a person what would they look like? Do they have ten fingers/toes.. are they bruised and broken? Are they whole? How would they act? What would they do? Are they the best looking person you’ve ever seen or is it different? Is it a level of perfection that just can’t be explained? What about love as a concept vs to love as a verb? Love to me isn’t love to you… the way you think and define it isn’t the same for me. They may be similar, but what makes you recognize it when its there? It’s a lot to think about, but love seems to be the effort you unknowingly give to someone else… Just as we can all love people, we can all love places, activities, things, the list goes on… sometimes we need to give love to ourselves.

Without love where does the world go? Without love – passionate, unrequited, reciprocated or otherwise, will we ever stop agonizing over it love – what comes next? Should we stop? Or should we open the door to those who need it most and try to figure out why? Where is the love?

Lament of Times Past

After all this time how do you still get to me the way you do? The mere idea of you wrecks me in ways I’ve yet to be able to explain. That’s the rub though. I’m not the person I was when you and I were in full swing and neither are you. So far from those people yet those memories remain. Time being the true destroyer that she is, is the only thing that can finish “us” completely. Back and forth I go between knowing I’m better off without you and wishing you were somehow here with me.

Toxic. Abusive. Fucked up. Amazing. Intense. Inspired. Words and phrases I use more than I’d like to admit about us, yet truthful nonetheless. Why does this story never leave my head? We both chose to go where we did. We both made mistakes. We both had great times. How did we get where we did, I almost have no idea.

We let life happen, but we both knowingly chose to be there. Time took us away and almost ten years later I’m still sitting here feeling about it all. Something I would have to believe you’d accuse me of not actually doing.

I do and don’t care what you think, because I know what my reality was. Yet that doesn’t erase the feelings of wishing you knew how to love and be loved by me. Knowing that won’t ever happen and probably shouldn’t we both went our ways.

So how do I truly leave this behind? The love I never thought or meant to have? The one I still have a hard time getting over even though when the thought of you crosses my mind and I see your face in my head I feel a stranger where my best friend used to be. A shadow of what we knew has veiled us both. Lost in the dark, forced to find our own way.

I doubt you even think of me anymore. I doubt I ever really meant anything to you in the first place. No one ever understood us and I’m almost positive that we didn’t either. I’m not the bad guy in this. Neither are you. It doesn’t work that way and it never has.

So why do I sit here trying to find the answers to an unanswerable question when you just carried on? Why do people still come to me like I’m going to rush in and save you when neither of us could save us? Is it because I’m truly seeking happiness and actively doing whatever I can to have a life I made for myself that I want and you have yet to go after what it is that you said you truly want? Where does this end? How can it end? Am I forever doomed to repeat these cycles until time takes them from me? When does it end? Can it?

Thinking About Love.

How does one define love? Is it a state? Is it a feeling? Is it more than that? A friend of mine defined love as “caring about someone so deeply it’s almost more about them than yourself.” They later went on to explain, “I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone care about me as much as I care for them from a relationship standpoint.”

That lead me to ask – is love an act? Act of kindness, act of faith? If love were a person what would they look like? Do they have ten fingers/toes.. are they bruised and broken? Are they whole? How would they act? What would they do? Are they the best looking person you’ve ever seen or is it different? Is it a level or perfection that just can’t be explained? What about love as a concept vs to love as a verb?

Love to me isn’t love to you… the way you think and define it isn’t the same for me. They may be similar, but what makes you recognize it when its there? It’s a lot to think about but love seems to be the effort you unknowingly give to someone else… so if it means something different to everyone who’s to say that love can be the same to anyone. Who’s to say that you loved them more than they loved you? Maybe they couldn’t show it. Maybe they just didn’t love you the way you needed to be loved.

Through the relationships in my past I’ve gone over a million things time and time again and at the end despite it being an end, love existed. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t loved at all because I may not have felt it or seen it in such a way, but it means they loved me differently. And not how I needed to be loved.

It may seem commonplace to say that love isn’t an all or nothing thing…it’s abstract. A different concept to everyone. A different act to everyone. Both good and bad. Like life it looks different to everyone you’d ask. It is also a feeling.. something we can’t always understand, but despite all of that we tend to forget that loving and being loved may be easy feelings but not so easy acts or vise versa. We may spend our lives in an abusive relationship but it doesn’t mean love isn’t there.. it means that people aren’t capable of loving in the way that you need or I need. Not that specific person, not at that time. Fault isn’t at stake here. Blame doesn’t need to be involved. So why do we look at love and relationships the way we do? Why do we have to be so willing to place blame? Is it just the sense of making something as illogical in nature as love logical? Is it a coping mechanism? Who knows the answers and are there ever any that can be found?

 

Los Angeles Chronicles: It’s time for an Evolution Revolution

Too long have I sat back in my own life waiting for a chance to make things change. I finally made things happen for myself after years of doubt. I tried more than once and things didn’t always work, but this time, this time is different. I’m not the person that I was then. I’m barely the person I was five minutes ago.

Since moving to LA, I’ve made leaps and bounds in my life, for myself.  My eyes haven’t been more open and I haven’t felt this alive in I’d venture a guess at ever. The election is going on and the world is starting to pay attention to how lost we actually are, in more ways than one. I’ve regained the person I’ve always known was in me and it’s time for me to stand up for it.

We live in a world where people are so conditioned by technology and the workings of their everyday lives that we don’t pay attention. We compete with each other over petty bullshit. We fight for what we think we want when we honestly have no idea. We don’t care how we get ahead as long as we do and if that means crushing someone in our way, so be it we don’t give a damn. I can attest to this because I’ve been part of the rat race that is this world, this country, this lifestyle. I’m a product of it, but I’m someone who seeks information when many don’t. I’m the one who empathizes with people to see all sides because who the hell am I to judge you. I’m a millennial. I am barely considered part of society by the proverbial man’s position. I am part of the generation that is bigger than any other, the most educated, the most in debt, the most disloyal, the most commitment-phobic, the biggest competitors, the most creative, the most conditioned, and the most lost. We are a great group of people when we pay attention to each other. When we stop competing with each other and believe in each other we are the newest force to be reckoned with. We have the power but we need to unite it. We’ve already lost in many ways, but it’s time for us to take a stand, wake up and make some change.

Even in the few minutes I’ve been sitting here writing, I’ve had replies to posts I’ve written in other forms of social media that basically tell me what I should do, tell me who I am and reply to me like I’m the idiot, uh hello… not helping. Anyone with an opinion can post something. Anyone. That doesn’t make it a good thing but it makes it what it is. We have the greatest form of banning together in the history of the world and we use it to tear each other apart.

Daily shootings, suicides, murders, the news showing you what they want you to see, political agendas, vote flipping. When did we evolve down? Why are we all acting like apes? And I’m almost thinking of rewording that because I don’t need to insult the apes. The political correctness is appalling. Stop giving into the man. He hasn’t done anything for you but condition you to be a pawn in his game.

We have become the biggest bunch of pansy ass, self righteous, ignorant assholes ever. And I mean everyone not just the millennials and younger. The greatest thing we have is that we’re people. And that’s the one thing that’s tearing us apart. Why does it matter what someone else does in their life when it has no effect on yours? I mean in terms of gay/straight/transgendered, life preferences, religion, stance on abortion, political views, why are things that shouldn’t be issues the biggest things we tear each other apart over? Oh yeah, so those in power can make us fight over petty shit to keep us occupied while they take over the rest of the world.

We need to stop spreading hate and banning against each other. There’s no reason for any of it. We need to spread a bit more peace and love because we owe it to ourselves and our future children or actual children to not grow up in a world where they have to worry about being shot in school or at work or have to run for their lives because someone without tolerance thinks they’re better than everyone else. It’s time to evolve. It’s time to start a revolution of change.

Stop trying to control each other. Stop hating people for who or what you think they are because you have no idea. For lack of a better way to say it, get your heads out of your asses people. Wake up. We’re in for a fight ahead of us and we don’t have to do it alone. We have to do it together. It’s time for an evolution revolution. We need to be more evolved than we have become. Change needs to be sparked and people are the only ones who can do it. Stop the pointless violence.

We all want a chance at life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness – stop taking it from others when it’s something we can all get if we work together. Stop telling people who they are and what their opinions are, stop the conditioning. Learn some empathy, learn to share, learn to love, learn to commit to something even if it’s yourself because if you commit to yourself, things will surely change. It’s time to wake up. Change is upon us but we have to seek it. Stop proving to the man that they can use and abuse us, unplug from the lies, plug into the love, plug into those willing to stand up and say and do what needs to be said and done.

Toxic Love: revisiting the past to help a friend

In a way it’s unrequited because they can never really and truly tell you how they feel. It almost doesn’t exist anywhere but in your mind. But it does exist. It is real. It’s real for you. Despite what happens secondly, initially they prove everything you believe.

All of it is crazy… you’re crazy to believe that they can love. They’re crazy to believe you won’t leave. You’re both crazy to think that it will last. And the shit you’ve dealt with because of each other is the icing on the crazy cake. I’m sorry but to me that’s love. It’s a leap of faith you take with someone never knowing how it will work out or if you’ll even come out of it alive. Feelings aren’t logical. Not in anyway.

Love makes you laugh, cry, hurt, ache for someone, get compassionate, feel sexy, be lusty, angry, stifled, everything. For one word to encompass all those things, in the world we live in don’t you think that trying to make it all work is going to be crazy hard? In a world people don’t know what they feel unless a facebook post tells them or they use a meme or emoticon, how are they supposed to really know love.

You have conversations and feelings and emotions that attach yourself to this person and they have no idea how to love you back. Relationships are hard. But loving someone shouldn’t have to be. The problem is we’re people and we fuck things up. We don’t know what we want and we’re conditioned to be and react the way we do from the minute we’re born. Our deepest darkest insecurities aren’t always known to ourselves until something major happens and it’s not always a bad thing to know. But until we know why we do what we do, how are we supposed to know how we feel?

We all have baggage. We all have demons. The only reason I stuck around as long as I did was because I thought our demons played well together. I thought if we could both see what this was and admit that we both wanted it, we could find a way to do more than make it work. But they never chose me. They never wanted me. I had to choose myself over a love like that because I don’t even get to live the game of faking it anymore despite us not being able to really and truly walk away from each other.
For any of this to actually work, you need them to want you and you want them to want you. When they treat you irrationally you get insecure and don’t know how to feel about it. Despite the love and the desire that exists it gets toxic because they can’t make up their mind and you’re there for the taking at any given moment mindfucking yourself.

They never thought it was in the cards. And it’s not because they keep throwing it away when it comes their way. It’s because they won’t take a chance on grabbing a hold of it. They won’t live it. How are they supposed to admit that despite all their better judgement and logic that they care about you and want you? They’re afraid and don’t know how. Their life has proven that it doesn’t work out. They have to find a way to be open to new possibilities and that things never happen the way that you expect them to, but they can’t anymore. What they believe becomes true because that becomes their reality. Lost in a haze of world they never wanted because they’re too afraid of taking a chance and being truly vulnerable.

I’ve been asked “why you” and I couldn’t answer other than by saying that I don’t want anyone else and I love you. But I have a question for you… why not you? Why is it so hard to realize that I wanted you, all of you. Sometimes that’s just not enough. Sometimes all of this becomes a crazy game that no one ever really wins. And it’s hard. Everything about it is hard. From the way you look to the way you see and react and feel and process. You can’t make them do anything they don’t want to but the truth is you don’t want them to be anything but themselves. It comes down to them allowing themselves to be happy with you because you know they care.

All of it could have been avoided had this been a utopian society but we’re mere mortals existing in a flawed environment. Life makes us and conditions us into the people we become and if we can’t believe that something will happen for us then it won’t. If we don’t think we deserve something we’ll never get it. We stand in our own way and hurt ourselves and others in the process. You get to the point where you love the other person but you’re so addicted you can’t walk away. You’ve become so conditioned to think you both deserve what you’re getting that you can’t stop. No one gives in. The feelings exist but they’re not enough. You find a breaking point only to step over it.

You finally, eventually, desperately get to some kind of end and hope to eventually move on. But the thing is, you still don’t want anyone else. And despite what it became, that’s not where it started or what it was in the middle. You broke it and each other in the process, but you can survive it. You have to choose to. It’s damn hard, and you may love that person forever, but you can’t spend your life trying to be with someone that doesn’t know how to be or want to be with anyone. So you find a way to pick up the pieces and life goes on. Until you fall again.