Rewriting Love: 5 minutes ago

For those of you following allow, this is chapter 8 in my “book.” This was one chapter I had yet to write, so I’m doing it now.

If I had a dollar for every time I wrote about love…Where to start. Love is a necessary evil. A villain and a hero. It is the best of the best but it can strike us down where we stand. Love is a power struggle. An irreverent battle that can never really be won. Or at least sometimes it feels that way. Having to believe that LOVE in its entirety is the sole topic that has been written about the most in human history I still have to take my own approach. Here goes.

I’ve been in love twice in my life and neither one was anything like I expected. Both had their very good and very bad moments. Both had moments of sheer elation and sheer devastation. To me, love encompasses everything we know this world to be. It is an exchange of energy for another soul – human being – that you can’t quite explain, for the emotion of it all takes logic completely out of the picture.

The first time I fell in love, I was so stuck on my feelings of what you gave me and the way you treated me that you were my favorite person in the world. And like everything else in my life, you never stayed. Granted that wasn’t either of our faults – we were kids and we went where our parents took us. Which ironically is probably the only reason we ever ended up where we did later in life. You were the one that got away, yet you were the one who came back. The one that just let me be when no one else even cared to stand with me. You chose me time after time and I never once understood why. We needed each other in the chaos, yet we were so consistently inconsistent neither one of us knew how to stay. We declared our love in the most unconventional way as that was how we knew how to be; now looking back it fits “us” to a tee. We spent most of the last ten years sleeping together and always constantly going back to each other and never taking it any further. Crazy fly by night whirlwind of emotions that neither one of us could ever admit and when we did everything went to hell. Never truly belonging to the other yet still knowing how to be vulnerable and still knowing what it feels to be safe within the madness. We provided for each other something I don’t think either of us really made sense of – ever. You were the one I could be innocent and safe with. The one that let me be all kinds of me with and knew with a look on my face what I was going to do next. Feeling like we never really knew each other in daily lives because one of us was always leaving, we knew at the core of our existence who the other was and that was enough. You were my first love and you were meant to be. It really is that simple.

I think I loved you from the moment I really met you: my second love. You saw me when I thought I was invisible. A connection, a passion and a lust I had yet to ever realize could exist. So toxic, so raw, so fantastical. Another never knowing where I stand grey area sort of romance, I don’t think either of us expected to end up where we did. Never knowing where the other would be yet finding each other anyways. Both of us not knowing what we had really gotten into, we flew by the seat of our pants and let things happen as they may. Soon enough we were hanging out 3 or 4 days a week. Going out, partying, eating, drinking, exploring, having fun, learning about each other, sharing secrets, sharing ourselves, we didn’t really have any limits. Little did either of us know that we wouldn’t spend more than 3 weeks apart in a 5 year period. Little did we know that those we once considered best friends were now second to each other. That despite not having labels or actually being in a relationship “together,” we were attached. We needed and yearned to be close and I don’t think either of us really understood or cared to know why. I knew how I felt about you, but I also knew you. I knew “trapping” you wasn’t going to work and making you do something you didn’t want wasn’t going to work either. The last thing I wanted to do was change you because you were who I loved. I loved the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, I was all in. I was invested. And to a certain point so were you. After about a year of this you told me you loved me. You told me there was no one like me. We went on for years hanging out and living adventures. Keeping a balance for each other so the other didn’t fly too far off the hinges. So much better together than we ever were apart. Constantly making each other crazy, but always in need of that presence. As time passed the more people noticed. Always together, always around, could always find each other in a crowd. But sure enough it didn’t last. I revealed my truth. My feelings. And you couldn’t. Always together but never really knowing where we stood. Always unyielding to the other, always struggling for control. We broke what we had and who we were in every way possible. Even after we broke it we still yearned for the togetherness that would  never exist as it once had. Now strangers to each other those two people existed a lifetime ago. But the memories and the loves of our lives never really leave us. Not really.

Present day: the time I’m currently working on the relationship I have with myself. This is the time of my relationship I have with my love of knowledge and pursuit of passions within. I was once told by a psychic that two men from my past would come back into my life, both would ask me to marry them and I would have to choose. If those two men are loves 1 & 2… then I choose me. I’ve gone through the trials and tribulations of a relationship without actually being allowed to be in one. Or at least in a defined one. And maybe that’s my fault for allowing it but maybe it isn’t because I loved two guys that have yet to love anyone the way we loved each other. That may be me fantasizing again but it’s how I feel. Love is everything in life and a lot of it starts with where you care for yourself.

From loving yourself to loving others you have to find where you fall before completely losing yourself in the abyss that can exist when a love is unrequited or no longer exchanged. Finding what you want from life achieving happiness through love can only be something achieved when you have a good enough relationship with yourself because when you’re being vulnerable with yourself and truthful with yourself you can admit the wants and needs you have and work at them. Whether that may or may not be the best thing to do in certain situations is for you to decide. Extending yourself or your hand to be able to love someone comes with great responsibility. The more of yourself you give, the more you have to lose. That’s why they call it a heart – break. When you break a dish and you glue it back together there are still cracks. You have to fill the cracks and the missing pieces to become whole again and sometimes that takes time and sometimes we never truly fill the cracks; at least not in ways we might expect.

For how does one define love? Is it a state? Is it a feeling? Is it more than that? A friend of mine defined love as “caring about someone so deeply it’s almost more about them than yourself.” That lead me to ask – is love an act? Act of kindness, act of faith? If love were a person what would they look like? Do they have ten fingers/toes.. are they bruised and broken? Are they whole? How would they act? What would they do? Are they the best looking person you’ve ever seen or is it different? Is it a level of perfection that just can’t be explained? What about love as a concept vs to love as a verb? Love to me isn’t love to you… the way you think and define it isn’t the same for me. They may be similar, but what makes you recognize it when its there? It’s a lot to think about, but love seems to be the effort you unknowingly give to someone else… Just as we can all love people, we can all love places, activities, things, the list goes on… sometimes we need to give love to ourselves.

Without love where does the world go? Without love – passionate, unrequited, reciprocated or otherwise, will we ever stop agonizing over it love – what comes next? Should we stop? Or should we open the door to those who need it most and try to figure out why? Where is the love?

Lament of Times Past

After all this time how do you still get to me the way you do? The mere idea of you wrecks me in ways I’ve yet to be able to explain. That’s the rub though. I’m not the person I was when you and I were in full swing and neither are you. So far from those people yet those memories remain. Time being the true destroyer that she is, is the only thing that can finish “us” completely. Back and forth I go between knowing I’m better off without you and wishing you were somehow here with me.

Toxic. Abusive. Fucked up. Amazing. Intense. Inspired. Words and phrases I use more than I’d like to admit about us, yet truthful nonetheless. Why does this story never leave my head? We both chose to go where we did. We both made mistakes. We both had great times. How did we get where we did, I almost have no idea.

We let life happen, but we both knowingly chose to be there. Time took us away and almost ten years later I’m still sitting here feeling about it all. Something I would have to believe you’d accuse me of not actually doing.

I do and don’t care what you think, because I know what my reality was. Yet that doesn’t erase the feelings of wishing you knew how to love and be loved by me. Knowing that won’t ever happen and probably shouldn’t we both went our ways.

So how do I truly leave this behind? The love I never thought or meant to have? The one I still have a hard time getting over even though when the thought of you crosses my mind and I see your face in my head I feel a stranger where my best friend used to be. A shadow of what we knew has veiled us both. Lost in the dark, forced to find our own way.

I doubt you even think of me anymore. I doubt I ever really meant anything to you in the first place. No one ever understood us and I’m almost positive that we didn’t either. I’m not the bad guy in this. Neither are you. It doesn’t work that way and it never has.

So why do I sit here trying to find the answers to an unanswerable question when you just carried on? Why do people still come to me like I’m going to rush in and save you when neither of us could save us? Is it because I’m truly seeking happiness and actively doing whatever I can to have a life I made for myself that I want and you have yet to go after what it is that you said you truly want? Where does this end? How can it end? Am I forever doomed to repeat these cycles until time takes them from me? When does it end? Can it?

Thinking About Love.

How does one define love? Is it a state? Is it a feeling? Is it more than that? A friend of mine defined love as “caring about someone so deeply it’s almost more about them than yourself.” They later went on to explain, “I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone care about me as much as I care for them from a relationship standpoint.”

That lead me to ask – is love an act? Act of kindness, act of faith? If love were a person what would they look like? Do they have ten fingers/toes.. are they bruised and broken? Are they whole? How would they act? What would they do? Are they the best looking person you’ve ever seen or is it different? Is it a level or perfection that just can’t be explained? What about love as a concept vs to love as a verb?

Love to me isn’t love to you… the way you think and define it isn’t the same for me. They may be similar, but what makes you recognize it when its there? It’s a lot to think about but love seems to be the effort you unknowingly give to someone else… so if it means something different to everyone who’s to say that love can be the same to anyone. Who’s to say that you loved them more than they loved you? Maybe they couldn’t show it. Maybe they just didn’t love you the way you needed to be loved.

Through the relationships in my past I’ve gone over a million things time and time again and at the end despite it being an end, love existed. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t loved at all because I may not have felt it or seen it in such a way, but it means they loved me differently. And not how I needed to be loved.

It may seem commonplace to say that love isn’t an all or nothing thing…it’s abstract. A different concept to everyone. A different act to everyone. Both good and bad. Like life it looks different to everyone you’d ask. It is also a feeling.. something we can’t always understand, but despite all of that we tend to forget that loving and being loved may be easy feelings but not so easy acts or vise versa. We may spend our lives in an abusive relationship but it doesn’t mean love isn’t there.. it means that people aren’t capable of loving in the way that you need or I need. Not that specific person, not at that time. Fault isn’t at stake here. Blame doesn’t need to be involved. So why do we look at love and relationships the way we do? Why do we have to be so willing to place blame? Is it just the sense of making something as illogical in nature as love logical? Is it a coping mechanism? Who knows the answers and are there ever any that can be found?

 

Los Angeles Chronicles: It’s time for an Evolution Revolution

Too long have I sat back in my own life waiting for a chance to make things change. I finally made things happen for myself after years of doubt. I tried more than once and things didn’t always work, but this time, this time is different. I’m not the person that I was then. I’m barely the person I was five minutes ago.

Since moving to LA, I’ve made leaps and bounds in my life, for myself.  My eyes haven’t been more open and I haven’t felt this alive in I’d venture a guess at ever. The election is going on and the world is starting to pay attention to how lost we actually are, in more ways than one. I’ve regained the person I’ve always known was in me and it’s time for me to stand up for it.

We live in a world where people are so conditioned by technology and the workings of their everyday lives that we don’t pay attention. We compete with each other over petty bullshit. We fight for what we think we want when we honestly have no idea. We don’t care how we get ahead as long as we do and if that means crushing someone in our way, so be it we don’t give a damn. I can attest to this because I’ve been part of the rat race that is this world, this country, this lifestyle. I’m a product of it, but I’m someone who seeks information when many don’t. I’m the one who empathizes with people to see all sides because who the hell am I to judge you. I’m a millennial. I am barely considered part of society by the proverbial man’s position. I am part of the generation that is bigger than any other, the most educated, the most in debt, the most disloyal, the most commitment-phobic, the biggest competitors, the most creative, the most conditioned, and the most lost. We are a great group of people when we pay attention to each other. When we stop competing with each other and believe in each other we are the newest force to be reckoned with. We have the power but we need to unite it. We’ve already lost in many ways, but it’s time for us to take a stand, wake up and make some change.

Even in the few minutes I’ve been sitting here writing, I’ve had replies to posts I’ve written in other forms of social media that basically tell me what I should do, tell me who I am and reply to me like I’m the idiot, uh hello… not helping. Anyone with an opinion can post something. Anyone. That doesn’t make it a good thing but it makes it what it is. We have the greatest form of banning together in the history of the world and we use it to tear each other apart.

Daily shootings, suicides, murders, the news showing you what they want you to see, political agendas, vote flipping. When did we evolve down? Why are we all acting like apes? And I’m almost thinking of rewording that because I don’t need to insult the apes. The political correctness is appalling. Stop giving into the man. He hasn’t done anything for you but condition you to be a pawn in his game.

We have become the biggest bunch of pansy ass, self righteous, ignorant assholes ever. And I mean everyone not just the millennials and younger. The greatest thing we have is that we’re people. And that’s the one thing that’s tearing us apart. Why does it matter what someone else does in their life when it has no effect on yours? I mean in terms of gay/straight/transgendered, life preferences, religion, stance on abortion, political views, why are things that shouldn’t be issues the biggest things we tear each other apart over? Oh yeah, so those in power can make us fight over petty shit to keep us occupied while they take over the rest of the world.

We need to stop spreading hate and banning against each other. There’s no reason for any of it. We need to spread a bit more peace and love because we owe it to ourselves and our future children or actual children to not grow up in a world where they have to worry about being shot in school or at work or have to run for their lives because someone without tolerance thinks they’re better than everyone else. It’s time to evolve. It’s time to start a revolution of change.

Stop trying to control each other. Stop hating people for who or what you think they are because you have no idea. For lack of a better way to say it, get your heads out of your asses people. Wake up. We’re in for a fight ahead of us and we don’t have to do it alone. We have to do it together. It’s time for an evolution revolution. We need to be more evolved than we have become. Change needs to be sparked and people are the only ones who can do it. Stop the pointless violence.

We all want a chance at life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness – stop taking it from others when it’s something we can all get if we work together. Stop telling people who they are and what their opinions are, stop the conditioning. Learn some empathy, learn to share, learn to love, learn to commit to something even if it’s yourself because if you commit to yourself, things will surely change. It’s time to wake up. Change is upon us but we have to seek it. Stop proving to the man that they can use and abuse us, unplug from the lies, plug into the love, plug into those willing to stand up and say and do what needs to be said and done.

Toxic Love: revisiting the past to help a friend

In a way it’s unrequited because they can never really and truly tell you how they feel. It almost doesn’t exist anywhere but in your mind. But it does exist. It is real. It’s real for you. Despite what happens secondly, initially they prove everything you believe.

All of it is crazy… you’re crazy to believe that they can love. They’re crazy to believe you won’t leave. You’re both crazy to think that it will last. And the shit you’ve dealt with because of each other is the icing on the crazy cake. I’m sorry but to me that’s love. It’s a leap of faith you take with someone never knowing how it will work out or if you’ll even come out of it alive. Feelings aren’t logical. Not in anyway.

Love makes you laugh, cry, hurt, ache for someone, get compassionate, feel sexy, be lusty, angry, stifled, everything. For one word to encompass all those things, in the world we live in don’t you think that trying to make it all work is going to be crazy hard? In a world people don’t know what they feel unless a facebook post tells them or they use a meme or emoticon, how are they supposed to really know love.

You have conversations and feelings and emotions that attach yourself to this person and they have no idea how to love you back. Relationships are hard. But loving someone shouldn’t have to be. The problem is we’re people and we fuck things up. We don’t know what we want and we’re conditioned to be and react the way we do from the minute we’re born. Our deepest darkest insecurities aren’t always known to ourselves until something major happens and it’s not always a bad thing to know. But until we know why we do what we do, how are we supposed to know how we feel?

We all have baggage. We all have demons. The only reason I stuck around as long as I did was because I thought our demons played well together. I thought if we could both see what this was and admit that we both wanted it, we could find a way to do more than make it work. But they never chose me. They never wanted me. I had to choose myself over a love like that because I don’t even get to live the game of faking it anymore despite us not being able to really and truly walk away from each other.
For any of this to actually work, you need them to want you and you want them to want you. When they treat you irrationally you get insecure and don’t know how to feel about it. Despite the love and the desire that exists it gets toxic because they can’t make up their mind and you’re there for the taking at any given moment mindfucking yourself.

They never thought it was in the cards. And it’s not because they keep throwing it away when it comes their way. It’s because they won’t take a chance on grabbing a hold of it. They won’t live it. How are they supposed to admit that despite all their better judgement and logic that they care about you and want you? They’re afraid and don’t know how. Their life has proven that it doesn’t work out. They have to find a way to be open to new possibilities and that things never happen the way that you expect them to, but they can’t anymore. What they believe becomes true because that becomes their reality. Lost in a haze of world they never wanted because they’re too afraid of taking a chance and being truly vulnerable.

I’ve been asked “why you” and I couldn’t answer other than by saying that I don’t want anyone else and I love you. But I have a question for you… why not you? Why is it so hard to realize that I wanted you, all of you. Sometimes that’s just not enough. Sometimes all of this becomes a crazy game that no one ever really wins. And it’s hard. Everything about it is hard. From the way you look to the way you see and react and feel and process. You can’t make them do anything they don’t want to but the truth is you don’t want them to be anything but themselves. It comes down to them allowing themselves to be happy with you because you know they care.

All of it could have been avoided had this been a utopian society but we’re mere mortals existing in a flawed environment. Life makes us and conditions us into the people we become and if we can’t believe that something will happen for us then it won’t. If we don’t think we deserve something we’ll never get it. We stand in our own way and hurt ourselves and others in the process. You get to the point where you love the other person but you’re so addicted you can’t walk away. You’ve become so conditioned to think you both deserve what you’re getting that you can’t stop. No one gives in. The feelings exist but they’re not enough. You find a breaking point only to step over it.

You finally, eventually, desperately get to some kind of end and hope to eventually move on. But the thing is, you still don’t want anyone else. And despite what it became, that’s not where it started or what it was in the middle. You broke it and each other in the process, but you can survive it. You have to choose to. It’s damn hard, and you may love that person forever, but you can’t spend your life trying to be with someone that doesn’t know how to be or want to be with anyone. So you find a way to pick up the pieces and life goes on. Until you fall again.

Today, I’m going to write about love

I think I loved you from the minute I really met you. The very first instant you came up behind me and put your hand at the base of my neck and lead me through the crowd. We spent the afternoon partying and dancing not a care in the world. I had no idea that would be the beginning of almost a decade of what I’m going to simply call “us.” I had known you most of my life but never like this. Re-introduced and age was no longer a factor, I was hooked.

We left separately that afternoon but we’d soon be meeting again. Talking online and sharing when we’d be back in town, so we could meet up started the friendship. Both of us not knowing what we had really gotten into, we flew by the seat of our pants and let things happen as they may.

Soon enough we were hanging out 3 or 4 days a week. Going out, partying, eating, drinking, exploring, having fun, learning about each other, sharing secrets, sharing ourselves, we didn’t really have any limits. Little did either of us know that we wouldn’t spend more than 3 weeks apart in a 5 year period. Little did we know that those we once considered best friends were now second to each other. That despite not having labels or actually being in a relationship “together,” we were attached.

We got jealous when the other had another person come their way. We got mad when we didn’t include each other. We got energized in each others’ presence. We needed and yearned to be close and I don’t think either of us really understood why. I knew how I felt about you, but I also knew you. I knew “trapping” you wasn’t going to work and making you do something you didn’t want wasn’t going to work either. The last thing I wanted to do was change you because you were who I loved. I loved the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, I was all in. I was invested. And to a certain point so were you.

After about a year of this you told me you loved me. You told me there was no one like me. It was Christmas Eve Eve and on the steps of our favorite weekend hangout you threw your arms around me whispered “I love you” in my ear, slowly pulled away and kissed me. Standing there stunned I didn’t say it back. You said it to me three times in the next two weeks and the words hit me like a ton of bricks every time. Then I finally said it back and I think I shocked myself. I knew I had feelings for you from the beginning but I didn’t want to lose my best friend. I’m not good with emotion and I tend to be a bit frigid when it comes to matters of the heart. Truth be told, there’s no one like you either.

We went on for years hanging out and living adventures. Keeping a balance for each other so the other didn’t fly too far off the hinges. So much better together than we ever were apart. Constantly making each other crazy, but always in need of that presence. As time passed the more people noticed. Always together, always around, could always find each other in a crowd. We were attached even more than before.

After almost 5 years I cracked and told you how I felt. You asked me why I chose now to have feelings and I had no words. You asked me what I was afraid of and I said nothing. I then asked you and you said nothing as well. We both lied. Except I spilled my heart out. I told you how I felt. I had thought about that moment a million times and I was finally having it. We were both afraid to change things between us but they couldn’t stay that way any longer. I wanted to be with you as a couple, but you didn’t.

I could understand that, but neither of us could walk away from the other and now truth when it came to feelings got thrown in the mix. I gave you truth. You couldn’t tell me how you felt. Whether you didn’t know how you felt or if you were just afraid, it didn’t matter. I still didn’t want to force you to be someone you weren’t because that defeated the purpose.

Many nights we spent awake until dawn sharing our secrets and stories. Emotionally attaching ourselves to one another and learning the way the other thought, processed, hoped, dreamed and feared. Real intimacy in a way I don’t think either of us ever knew until that point. It got to the point where we couldn’t even be in a 500 foot radius and not have someone think we were together whether we were or weren’t.

Then things really turned. I got into a graduate program and I was getting ready to leave. Not long before were we sitting in your basement telling stories like always and I was admitting how I felt. Now the end was in sight. Life as we knew it was shifting.

You told all of our friends and some random acquaintances I was leaving you. You constantly asked what you were going to do without me. You shared my business as if it were your own, but you still couldn’t tell me how you felt about me.

For years people would ask me if we were together. They’d ask me where you were if I was somewhere alone. They didn’t understand how one of us was without the other. But you could never tell me your true feelings. There were nights we definitely came close. We both revealed truths we thought about the other and we never had anything bad to say. We never judged. We always cared more than we initially meant to. But for whatever reason it wasn’t enough.

We both yearned for the togetherness and still reveled in each others’ presence, but it was never enough. The week before I left a few things happened. You showed up at my going away party with someone else. You eventually cornered me and tried to talk about us. I couldn’t. You and I went for ice cream to try to talk things out. You told me we’ve always existed in the grey area and you didn’t want to change that. You told me if I weren’t leaving I could move in with you because your roommate was getting evicted. And you asked me to stay.

The night you asked me to stay echoes like a hurricane in my mind. Sitting on the bathroom floor basically on top of each other, everything came down to that moment. I don’t think there’s ever been a moment we were so close or so honest, but we both walked away without getting what we wanted. I left anyway.

We spent the next year fighting and treating each other like strangers through text and the internet. But in person, you acted like I never left. Holding hands, putting arms around each other, sharing drinks and anything else along the way. I couldn’t deal. I fought it until I couldn’t anymore. Anxiety caught up with me and that was it.

The person I had so much love for and cared so much about was a stranger I couldn’t trust. You soon used my feelings against me and made it all my fault. We no longer shared stories. We no longer spent time together, but everywhere we went there was the other person. We beat each other up mentally and emotionally. We hurt each other and shook each other to the core. The need to be in each others’ presence was now muttled by the fact that we were no longer those people.

We eventually got to the point where all we did was fight, but we still couldn’t help being next to each other. Life shifted again and I ended up moving back to NY. I watched my life fall apart. I watched my family ache. I watched you replace me and those were your words not mine. Yet anytime I was okay enough to be near you you dropped the replacement for me. We were both fighting everything we felt and everything we knew and everything around us, but everything had changed.

Me being who I am I remember down to the dates of the things we did that had an impact on me. Still hurt. Still trying to put the pieces of myself back together. There you were. We tried once or twice to “fix” things but we broke it and we didn’t know how to go back and I didn’t want to. We didn’t talk for about 6 months. The longest we had gone without speaking in 8 years. Believe me it hurt, but I still couldn’t trust you.

I couldn’t trust you not to play my heartstrings like a guitar. I couldn’t trust you not to say one thing and do another. I couldn’t trust you to tell me how you felt or really and truly be honest with me anymore. Despite trying to let it go and get over it and move on and despite dating one or two other people when I was gone and when I first got back, I was still in love with you. The problem was I wasn’t in love with the you that I had standing in front of me. I was in love with the person I had shared stories with at all hours of the night and the one I wanted to be sitting on the bathroom floor with, didn’t exist anymore. They didn’t exist anymore and the person I was didn’t either. But there we were still yearning for each others presences, without any idea of how to do it.

No one understood. We were judged for the past, present and potential. We eventually worked it out, we left the hurt behind. We learned to be near each other again. The last year changed everything, but we still weren’t those people we once were. We finally made things right again. The only problem, I was leaving again. I finally had the chance to live the dreams I’ve wanted since I was a child. I was making my dream a reality. Problem number two, I still love you. You fought with me and couldn’t say goodbye. You made it my fault again and it hurt me too. Despite everything, I still care. Despite everything I won’t ever forget our time together. Despite everything I hope you find your happiness.

I want to move forward and from the last things you said to me, that was it. I hurt you for the last time and you hurt me for the last time. That doesn’t change the past. We may not have been the right people for each other at the time. We may have dealt with a lot of things we were afraid of and a lot of things may have been caused because of us. I’m still a bit of a dreamer. I’m still a realist. I am a lot of things and I may still always love you. But I can’t do this anymore.

We broke what we had in every way and still wanted to be near each other. Right now there is no end to this story. I have a new beginning, but is it the end for us? I want to love someone that can really love me back. Or at least tell me the truth about their feelings. Being vulnerable sucks and putting yourself out there is hard.

I can’t change the past and I don’t want to, but love for the future is the next dream I hold for myself. I never knew I’d love you the way I did. I never knew I’d be sitting here caring this long after we started this game thinking about you and our memories. Call me foolish, but I know what I felt was real. I know what I lived. I know who we were apart and together. I knew we both lost us the minute we separated. Despite those around us not understanding, I only needed you to. The problem was you did, and chose another path.

We lived and experienced and loved each other, so naturally until one of us got in over our heads and tried to run for it. We always came back. We broke it more times than I can count but it was never the end. Almost 9 years later from that first day, here I sit 3000 miles from home, building a new life for myself without you. Still someone I want to walk through life with, yet it matters no longer. I don’t know how long I will love you and I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. But I’m reclaiming me and the love I have for myself in hopes of finding someone who is willing to go all in. I look back without regret. I feel no shame. I have known heartbreak and I know if I am ever to love someone again it will not be the same.

Love so beautiful in its entirety yet so destructive if handled improperly. So easily gained, so difficultly lost. It can conquer and destroy. I’m willing to see what it can bring and where my life goes from here. I want to believe.

I am not a religious person but I think this fits as an end to my new beginning.

“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”

 

 

“The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.” JM Barrie

I’ve spent a lot of time in my life dreaming and imagining the places I could go and things I could do. I’ve done so many of the things I’ve wanted to do in life and I’ve done a lot of things I didn’t expect to do. I’ve accomplished a lot and yet nothing at the same time. I’ve loved and lost and will continue to do so until I find my “one.” I’m a dreamer. I’m learning that I’m a bit more of an idealist than I thought but that’s okay and I’m a logical realist. I wear many hats, but I’ve always had issues believing and I don’t mean in god.

I’ve spent a lot of my life being a confident person, but I’ve always had issues with self worth. Maybe it’s been the way I’m conditioned but it’s just part of me. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety in different ways since I was a teen as well and neither are fun, but I’m still here and I’ve found a way to make my dreams somewhat of a reality.

I’ve been to 8 different countries. I’ve graduated from college with multiple degrees. I’ve lived in multiple states. I experienced almost everything I’ve ever wanted to do with some great people and have been in love twice. Recently I made a move I almost never thought I’d pull off, but I did it. I thought about it on and off since I was 10 and California was always my end goal… but I never committed to what I would do here once I got here.

It was always a dream, never a reality…until now. I’ve been looking for jobs and trying to make a career happen for almost 6 years without the luck of finding a job I really wanted to commit to or make a part of my life. I’ve spent the better half of a decade loving the “wrong person”and believing and having faith in the “wrong things.” They play a huge role in my life and I don’t ever attempt to take them back but I do question them but who doesn’t. I’ve been through a lot and will continue to do so, but now it’s time I start to believe and have faith in the “right things.” You know, the things I want to be real for me and my future. To take the life and person I want myself to be and aspire to be and make it reality. To have the love I want for myself and the place I want to have it all in happen. Things have a way of never working out how you expect them to but believing it could happen is half the battle.

I’m 3,000 miles from where I grew up yet I’m constantly reminded of a person I’ve known in my life for as long as I can remember. Peter Pan.

Everyone thinks Peter Pan is about the boy who never grows up. To me it’s about perspective. It isn’t about growing up but growing. The way you use your imagination to believe and have faith that what you can dream you can do is the point. If you don’t believe, it isn’t going to happen. When you doubt your own abilities you lose your freedom. When you look at the world through the eyes of a child you see an unadulterated view of society. An unjaded, curiosity that sparks possibilities and a reminder that life is really a game we all have to play. We have but a short time and we do change throughout. Not always for the better but it does happen. We forget how to be kids, and bask in the glow of the little things that make life great. The memories that put us on top of the world if even for a moment or the people that stood by us that may not be there anymore for whatever reason.

We are who we allow ourselves to become, but if we want to grow sometimes we have to grow down, not up. Life isn’t about who can pay the most bills. Life is about the experiences. The belief that “the moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease for ever to be able to do it.”

If you spend your life telling yourself you’re never going to make it – you won’t. I’ve doubted myself a lot in the last few years. I’ve fought with myself a lot in the last few years. I’ve lost a lot in the last few years. I gained an accomplishment of a dream I never thought I’d pull off and I have a potential job doing something I’ve wanted to do since college within arms reach. That job is mine, because I believe it is. That may sound silly but who cares. No one has to believe it but me. I may have done a lot of things I never meant to do but if I believe that they all lead me here, that’s what I believe. No one gets to take that from me. No one ever can.

I’m starting to relearn who I can be and imagine the future I’ve always wanted. Yes I go back and fourth and have doubts but I still believe I can pull this off. I still believe I’m going to be disgustingly happy here and I still believe that this is what I’ve always wanted. Did I have to leave some things behind, yes. Did I have to grow in the process? Yes. Was is hard, of course it was.

Nothing in life worth doing is easy echoes in my mind, but again it’s about perspective. As much as I still love the two people I’ve ever loved and have love for my friends, experiences, family members and those that have taken part in my life along the way so far, it doesn’t matter that they may not be in my daily life anymore, they’re still in my memory. They all play(ed) roles.

I am a lot of things, I’m ridiculous, misunderstood, intense and an ass sometimes, but we all have our moments. Life is hard but you have to believe. If in no one else you have to believe in yourself. If that means building a fort and coloring today then do it. If it means writing a proposal and making a presentation and getting that deal then do it. As long as it means something to you it means something. Those you love and choose to walk through life with should be the ones that believe in you when you don’t believe in yourself. Or at least be helping you build the fort because honestly if they don’t, they need to go.

Believe you’re worth it. Believe you can be and will be loved, cared for, successful, prosperous, alive, pretty, handsome, passionate, thoughtful, intelligent, anything you want and need yourself to be you can be. No one’s pretending it’s easy but you need to start somewhere. You have to believe first. Be worth it to yourself. If you can prove it to yourself, no one else will doubt it.

Don’t be hellbent on growing up, just keep growing and believe you’ll get what you want and see how your perspective changes along the way. Fairytales exist because someone believed they could…that is my point. Make your own. Find a way.