Revisiting Memories: 5 years later

For those following along this is chapter 5 in my book. To read from the beginning go back to “Revisiting Perspective.”

Memories: The driving force behind everything you do, how you look at things, how you react, how or why you avoid anything, why you put yourself through the pain or the emotional wreckage you believe is real. Memories are considerably like personalities. For in fact they can make your personality what it is. Because of your conscious and subconscious mind remembering past experiences becomes almost like a bitter game. After a while I’m beginning to sound like a broken record with all of this talk of personality, experience, dreams, etc. But everything is interconnected and everything holds its own purpose.

We all sit back and reflect on our lives. We all sit back and think of the good and bad times that seemingly make up our lives. We hold on to things in so many ways because despite sometimes needing change or even wanting it, things that are comfortable or familiar feel better in this moment, even if the moment is already in the past.

I’ve been through a lot and nothing all at the same time, but my memories make me who I am. They are a part within me that can either be building me up or be used against me. Sometimes memories of the familiar make us sink into things we should be avoiding because right now it’s easy. Sometimes they push us forward because we need it. Memories can affect us. Make us sink into old habits, make us better and worse emotionally, make us make change, make us thrive, give us purpose.

I have a saying, “to know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been.” In a lot of ways it works and in a lot of ways it doesn’t. When it comes down to it, living in the past and the past alone does not a future make. It allows you to let life pass you by. It allows you go through the motions rather than dream or really live a life. We must move forward as time only goes in one direction. We can however look back and see how far we’ve come and the progress we’ve made.

Most of the time have to learn from our mistakes by remembering what we’ve previously done that did not yield the results that we wanted. But a memory is a very harsh thing to use against yourself. I read once, that when you remember an event or something that happened in your life you aren’t remembering the actual event. You’re remembering the last time you remembered the event. For example, the first time a significant other says I love you. Something memorable in your life – I’d hope for good reasons. You remember this a day later, a week later, a month later. On that day you remember the event. A week later you remember your first instance of that event. A month later you remember the event from the perspective of a month later. And so on. This may not be 100% true, but it does make a lot of sense. As our feelings change about those around us or even ourselves and the decisions we’ve made become memories of the events that shape us everything changes.

I’ve been blessed and cursed with a memory that allows me to remember my first day of Kindergarten. Some people think wow seriously?! I wish I had your memory. But honestly sometimes remembering everything makes it really hard to move forward. I think it was Dumbledore who said, “it does not due to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” In the same sense it does not do to dwell in the past and forget to live. We must learn from our mistakes and we must allow ourselves to feel and move forward based on knowing where we’ve come from, where we’ve been recently and where we might be now. For the over thinkers and the dreamers out there remember that the fairytale came out of someone’s memory. It may not happen in reality but creating your own version of a fairytale exists in your mind. Everyone goes through some kind of suffering but dwelling on the hurt doesn’t fix the problem. Everyone learns in general but not everyone does so easily. Sometimes we need to remember we’re all human and we don’t need to use our memories against ourselves or anyone else.

So the next time you’re thinking back on an event that you believe is innocent or you believe changed your life, maybe the answers in which you seek lie within the perspective of the occurrence of the memory itself. Or maybe it was just a really good moment.

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Los Angeles Chronicles: part 2

“It takes ten times more time to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart.”

I’m not usually one to post quotes as I like to write my own, but this one is too fitting not to. I’ve been falling apart for what seems to be as long as I can remember. My life became this alternate reality of me and the world around me. A lot of it has to do with misdirected love for someone who couldn’t admit they loved me too -call me naive but I know they loved me (either way it’s over now). And a lot of it has to do with me letting a lot of held back emotion out all at once. That much isn’t over.

I’ve had to learn to be this new person. I’ve watched myself become someone I never thought I would be. I watched myself turn into a shadow of the person I once knew. I am still a work in progress but moving was the first step in taking back myself for myself. However, despite knowing I’m doing the best thing for me and this is a dream I’ve had for myself since I was about 10 years old… how do you deal with what you were without having some time to truly let it go?  Why do you miss what you had when you know that the future is that much brighter and that much better because it means you’re finally fighting for the right thing? I don’t mean the life I fell over and never wanted but ended up being such a big part of but the life I wanted more of but couldn’t keep because despite it all it never felt real. Why does it seem better there than here, when you know it isn’t? They made you expendable. They weren’t there when you fell apart. They weren’t there when you tried to put the pieces back together. Why do you look at hindsight through rose colored glasses?

When you’re standing on the verge of a new start, a new life, a new state of being, why fuck with the past? Why fuck with the past when the future holds a life without strings, a live you chose for yourself to lead? When do you let go of who you were, to become who you are now? Where does the paradigm of self shift to align with the life you now choose to live? When are the pieces truly put back together?

I keep asking me these major questions because as much as I love the place I’m in and I love my apartment and I love everything about being here and it feels so right, all I can think of is the person I shouldn’t be. And the reason I shouldn’t be is because they aren’t worth the time anymore. The people around me and the person I became aren’t worth the time anymore. The others had their years of chances and now it’s my turn to have mine. So why can’t I let go? I’m only human and I get it but ironically 3,000 miles still isn’t enough to get them out of my head.

Time will tell and I don’t know maybe I just need a hobby or I really do need to finish that book, but I guess as the quote goes, maybe I am down to 9 more times left of putting the pieces back together. Maybe I’m further along than I believe, maybe all I can do is have faith in myself, but I have to believe that someday my mind won’t be used against myself, by myself. Maybe I need to learn how to not be my own worst enemy. Maybe that piece of the puzzle isn’t ready to be placed yet and all I can do is keep going. Keep going.

Random Happenstance

When you’re stuck in a world full of people telling you to suck it up and deal – eventually you’re gonna crack.

Your dreams get thrown aside. You become lost and reckless. You lose your way. Only to find yourself on a completely different path going in a completely different direction.
Your life is what you make it. You have your shot and I have mine. It is what you turn it into. We aren’t on an equal playing field, as that doesn’t exist. We must endeavor to persevere. We must not act more jaded than we actually are. We must learn to take advice from any source as you never know when you’re going to receive the best advice of your life even if when you received it isn’t the moment that you actually need to use it. Remember what you learn. Keep track of the stories. Your memories, stories and adventures make up your life.

Remember that those around you are always going to help and hurt you. You can’t prove your worth to someone that won’t see the light in the dark. You are the culmination of the five people you spend the most time interacting with – this includes virtual messages. So choose wisely.

Know that nothing ever works out the way you think it will, but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. And that when life is kicking your ass and you feel completely alone – you’re not the only one. It isn’t personal. In fact it is so impersonal it’s pathetic. We all fight our own demons. Some peoples battles are harder and some easier. But how you treat someone is both a reflection of you and of them.

Be careful what you put out into the world because it may just come back to you.