As the title says, today I want to talk about Passion… so being the person I am I turned to Google for a definition.
The first thing that comes up is, “a strong and barely controllable emotion.”
“A strong and barely controllable emotion.” Let’s think about that for a second.
When was the last time you had anything resembling a strong and barely controllable emotion? Seriously though…for me… it was anger. A rage fueled ranting of all the things I’m sick of or don’t want. And as much as its good to get out, it doesn’t fix the problem.
I went to a seminar today (I actually didn’t know it was going to be what it was)… and people tried to sell me their idea. I don’t disagree with their idea. I trust the person that invited me to this seminar. I am intrigued by the model they created, but the item they’re selling isn’t my joy. I asked another friend of mine for advice about mental clarity because lately my head has been a clusterfuck of crazy to say the least…. She asked me a simple question…
Are you passionate about this?
Okay, let me just back track for a minute… I keep trying to get new jobs. I keep trying to fix and better my situation. I keep making progress little by little but also keep ending up in jobs that I hate, that simply chain me to a desk on someone else’s terms. I keep telling myself I need to do something else, but I have no idea what that is anymore. I’ve been asked this question twice this week alone; twice by unexpected sources…. This time I paid attention.
Like I said I get asked this question like I have a million times before, but I wasn’t calm enough to really let it sink in until now. It was then that I realized I’ve been screaming to the world that I want to live life passionately. That I want to do what sets my soul on fire. That I want to actually feel alive and be alive and not live by someone else’s rules. And what am I actually doing?! I’m driving myself crazy following someone else’s rules despite knowing I don’t want to play this game anymore. Let’s insert the definition of insanity… here…
For a while I thought teaching would be a good route for me and I really enjoyed teaching when I was in it, but it sucked the life out of me. I worked in insurance before that and that sucked the life from me without question. I then went back to school and kept trying to force a change in status quo because everything I tried wasn’t working. I’ve worked in customer service – my advice to you is don’t. I worked for a cosmetics company in creative services but there was no where for me to “grow”. I worked in real estate and that company was too bi-polar and that’s coming from me. I work in advertising for an animation company and to say the least, this job just isn’t what I thought it would be, but I took it because I had to.
In fact – All of the jobs I’ve had for the most part I never took because I wanted to…. I took them because I had to. I always jump at the first chance I get because I never believe there’s going to be another opportunity. While I know that isn’t true, being stuck somewhere is like nails on a chalk board for me. The biggest thing I’ve realized now is that stuck is something I both run from and cling to… because it’s known. Stuck in a terrible roommate situation because I don’t have the ability to pay rent alone but still having a roof over my head is still stuck. Stuck in a job I don’t like because it pays the bills is stuck. Stuck in a relationship with myself I don’t like because I’m going through the motions of survival is still stuck. I’ve said this before… you CANNOT thrive and you CANNOT truly succeed, in survival mode…you can only get by.
In the last few years, I’ve changed my entire world. I expected to be alone for a certain period of time. I expected not to thrive the minute I got here. I expected to have to pay dues of some sort before being handed the key to anything. Los Angeles is the fucking Major Leagues and I was barely ready to sit on the bench let alone play the game.
I’ve been playing the game for over 2 years and part of me still feels like I’m sitting on the bench. I’m going through the motions of my own life. I’m going through the motions of my own life with far too much stress, pain, anxiety, and trauma. And it really needs to end.
So where do I go from here?! Oh yeah Passion.
I need to find what actually excites me and chase it. I need to let myself be alive. I need to let myself be free. I need to let myself get excited. I need to listen to what my heart and head are telling me despite it making things harder financially. I’m already struggling financially and that hasn’t changed in almost a decade.
Truth is I don’t want the second job I have. Truth is, I don’t want to live in this apartment, but I only don’t want to move because it’s an expensive pain in the ass. Truth is, I’m still a work in progress with my mental state, but I can’t deny that I’ve been better than I ever have with myself in the last two years in terms of trying to cope. Truth is, I need to make up my own rules to the game that is life and I need to stop being afraid to leap despite any potential falls. Truth is I need to stop yelling about what should be and actually find out what fills the should be gap.
I moved to California to follow a dream to work in animation. I failed at the chance I first took when I got here. I then took a job because I had to. I got into companies doing what I thought I wanted to do as a fall back. They didn’t work how I wanted them to. What I’ve been saying to myself for years is that applying to jobs and trying to get by is not what I want my life to be. I have said I need to get creative before and yet I always go back to the same old insane tactics.
Message to self — stop it, damn it.
Truth is I never expected creating a life to be easy. Truth is I never expected finding my “dream job” to be easy. Truth is I never expected any of this to be easy. It was, “damn near impossible” that I didn’t expect to have at every turn. So now it’s time I get out of my own way and stop focusing on the shit and start focusing on the times I actually light up. The times I feel alive. The times I am excited at potential. The times I’m excited at reality.
What am I going to do about this now? I’m going to ask myself as many questions as I can, in as many ways as I can, as weird as I can and as vanilla as I can in hopes that I strike a chord in myself. If I can’t answer the question what do I like to do, where do I like to go, what excites me, I think I have found the issue… survival mode on. How do I turn it off? Incorporate joy, fun, excitement, actual living into my world again. Find out what evokes the passion. That inexplicable rage, that emotional reaction that is so over the top you almost expect that it didn’t come out of your own mouth and fucking live it.
What am I going about this… right now I’d like to quit my job, take a couple weeks off, move into a new place, get my ankle healed and start over. But first I’m going to start with these questions and try to poke the passion chords with the hopes I play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata instead of Chopsticks.
Wish me luck.