Day 51: a fine line

There’s a fine line between the best and worst pieces of your life. There’s a fine line between love and hate in regards to yourself. There’s a fine line between failure and success. And that line only exists where your definition draws the line.

With time and patience and a little mix of crazy I keep moving forward. Knowing I’ve been in far worse places mentally, emotionally, and physically, this year has still probably been my hardest to deal with yet. I had to toe the line of staying in a place I’ve dreamt about living since the age of 10 and going back to NY to stay. The fact that I say back doesn’t fit, there is no going back. There is only forward. But geographically back probably would have killed me. And I’m not being dramatic.

I spent a very long time being stuck. The best thing I’ve learned this year wasn’t getting unstuck, it was knowing when to say enough. It was learning and practicing when to back off or move forward when I needed to, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I’m about there now with this current position. Knowing that everything is temporary and that things can always get worse I’m not going to jump until I know I have something else in the wings… but I haven’t had this job 90 days and I spend almost everyday doing something to keep my brain occupied and my heart at ease that has nothing to do with the job.

Here’s where the line gets drawn… This morning was a real struggle. I didn’t want to get out of bed. In fact I laid in bed an extra 15 minutes because I felt like it. I fought myself to brush my teeth. I fought myself to put pants on. I sat on my bed half dressed asking myself do I really have to do this. Eventually I got up and did it. I went to work. I landed an $8500 a month contract for the next six months, which is more than they pay me in a year and the struggle continued. Throughout my day in a complete haze I found a middle ground. I talked to a few friends of mine and that helped. And then I lightened up a bit and it was like the damn sun came out. Days like these used to wreck me. The days of shadow ever loomed overhead. They’d go on in a never ending cycle and I wouldn’t ever be aware of the next sunny day until it slapped me with a sunburn.

Whether its because I now live in the land of perpetual summer or the fact that I’m probably more consistently happy now than I’ve ever been in my life, my sunny days seem to negate the shadow’s reach. And this time I have sunscreen. I’m not choosing happiness anymore than I ever chose depression, but I’m choosing to breathe and let out what I need and express myself to myself. I’m allowing myself to feel the value and worth within based on me and a few people that have surprised the shit out of me in the last few weeks. I keep finding more and more people to add to the circle and I love it. I’m not only getting attention from myself in a way I never have, I’m getting attention from people in a way I never have. These aren’t the people nor are they the relationships I once knew. They’re not the ones where you’re always at arm’s length despite owning the title of best friend and then blamed when their life goes up in flames.

I am so fucking stupidly happy I am not in that place of my life anymore. I am so fucking stupidly happy that I am not that girl anymore. Not quite at the point of self love, still dealing with weeding out some masochistic tendencies… And the whole play on the word deserve seems to ring in my ears… but that’s a story for another day.

Today I crossed my line multiple times. But I’m okay. Tomorrow is another day. I won’t be doing this job for much longer. I’m going to continue to learn where the lines truly lie. And when they don’t fit anymore I’ll move them accordingly. You’re the one that draws the lines. You’re the one with the power and control to move them. Be kind to yourself and find which ones can help and which ones will hurt when crossed.

Failure is not the opposite of success. It takes failures to reach success. It takes loss to find gain. It takes pain to find happiness. It takes heartbreak to find love. The line is almost non-existent because life doesn’t exist only in black and white. Sometimes the grey area kills me. Sometimes it is where I thrive most. Find your balance. See where you end up.

Day 51: whether the line is drawn in sand or stone it will somehow, someway be crossed.

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Day 48: Finding My People

I made a new friend yesterday because of the groups I’m involved in online. We spent almost 2 hours chatting and getting to know each other. The more we talked, the more I told stories and she told stories and we just learned from each other. From travels to jobs to breaking the habit of the old status quo and making ourselves a new one, we spoke of what drives us and how we’ve gotten here.

It made me realize that I know way more than I give myself credit for. When you talk to the right people it makes you realize how much better things can be mentally and emotionally. It makes you realize that when you talk to people that have similar wants, needs and interests you feel a lot less crazy. I know it makes perfect sense, but take it from someone who has been talking and co-existing with all of the wrong people, it’s hard to find and harder to realize that it is exactly what you need.

Learning is a process, life is a process. Everything in life is temporary. Yet we always get attached to something. Whether it’s good or bad that’s out for debate. We’re at a turning point in society whether we realize it yet or not. Technology is slowly taking over the world and jobs and everything that goes with it. The traditional route of work till you die at the same company and they’ll be loyal doesn’t work nor does it really happen anymore.

The “right path” is not one specific path that the majority of people can take and become successful or build a life for themselves. The right path is the one that is right for you and  that being said the right path is knowing that everything you do is a risk. Whether you stay here or go there, whether you choose to jump or not you risk staying in a place you don’t want to be because it’s safe or you risk the unknown because you owe it to yourself. Risk is involved.

I’ve taken a lot of risks. I’m typically always willing to risk everything for something else because until now, my life has been riddled with not belonging, feeling useless or not good enough and depression and anxiety. My life is no longer that. I am no longer that girl. I choose not to be that girl again. I choose to be this girl, the one who believes in herself and the energies of the world around her conspiring to help achieve what I want and ask for. Whether silly or not it’s been working for me. And I also didn’t get here alone. That’s the key difference. I’ve spent so much time trying to do this alone it doesn’t work. Finding the right people is crazy hard, but it happens. Frequency and vibration is huge in my life right now and I’m grateful for it.

That being said, I’m not a think happy thoughts and you’ll be happy believer. But once you awaken the energy of happiness and being alive and thriving you’ll feel the difference. Once you make the jump and take the risk on yourself, give yourself credit for the work you have done whether you’ve succeeded or not and learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect but trying to be who and what you want, life no longer looks the same. Life no longer is the same. I might wake up tomorrow and want to lay in bed all day and end up in a slump, but I let myself have the day. I let myself just be what I’m going to be. It’s a completely different perspective. But now it’s mine and I’ll take it.

Day 48: making my circle bigger in the best ways. Finding bliss one step at a time.

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Day 47: The City’s on Fire but Life Continues

Been in a handful of crazy the last few days. The city is in a state of emergency, I’m surrounded by fires on all sides. My boss still expects everyone to be at work, yet we’re in an evacuation zone. The fires broke out Monday night and are still taking thousands of firefighters’ and other responders’ time through a predicted date of tomorrow…and here I am.

As I ventured out into the mess that is LA, all I can think is holy shit, life goes on. People are just going about their lives like nothing is happening. Torn between half the people I know saying eh whatever, and the other half sending me apocalyptic messages I’m not quite sure what to do. The city is in fact on fire… welcome to hell.

When things like this happen it tends to change peoples’ perspectives. It’s been playing with mine for sure. I’m starting to see where my real values lie when it comes to work and play. I’ve had to live with the looming thought of, “if forced to evacuate right now what would I take.” The list is definitely shorter than you’d think. Gotta grab the cat. Maybe because it’s an apartment and not a house that I care a little less, but other than the cat, my external harddrives, laptop, DSLR camera and some clothes I could care less what goes up in smoke. Seriously though. As Christmas approaches and we’re sitting here thinking about all the new stuff we want to acquire, I’m surrounded by those who have literally lost everything but each other. How’s that for perspective.

Still riding the waves of a good mood, cutting myself slack on things I know I don’t want to do and allowing myself some fun with the things I do want to do, this timing tends to be humbling to say the least. Amidst looking for a different job, one that I can actually leverage and use to my advantage, one that pays me adequately and one that doesn’t make me feel useless, I’ve noticed that I really don’t have the same attachment to things I once did.

And I don’t really mean material things I mean things in general. Have I finally learned to let go? Or am I finally balanced enough to figure out that ya know what life does go on. Whether you’re up in flames and fleeing for your life or it’s just another day, life goes on. How do you shift and change your world to be what you want it to be? There is the difference. I’m going to take that and run with it while I’m at work and see what I come up with. Time to get creative.

Day 47: Looking forward to new and humble beginnings.

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Day 45: Whoa, I’m halfway there…

Ah the power of music. Keeping the good times going. Breaking free of the monotony slightly. I’m shaking things up again. No surprises there as I’m typically all over the place. I want to dance again and I’m sick of “waiting until I’m in shape.” I know it’s going to hurt physically, but bring it on! It’s time to have some fun and explore this city more.

I’m still floating on air. It’s a wonderful thing. I’m in a very let it be state these days and I’m going to take it as long as it lasts.

I’ve noticed a huge shift for myself in the last few weeks. It was brought out by another person, but it was one of those moments that slaps you awake at the best possible time. The moment that proves to you that you’re exactly where you need to be. As much as I’m always wondering what’s next and almost failing to revel in the accomplishments of the moment, I’m going with it. I’ve seen this person again, but I still have no idea where any of it stops and starts.

I’m just taking things in and taking them all for what they are and I’m going from there. Being a person who’s dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life, this happiness thing really is almost too good to be true. But I love it. It’s crazy to think that people typically feel this good everyday and I just hadn’t for so long that I didn’t know what I was missing. Now I do. Now I don’t want to let it go. Maybe it’s that much sweeter because it’s new, but it is very sweet.

I’m ready to take a road trip to San Diego because I really like a few stores in Old Town and I want to go back there, just because I can. I’m ready to take a dance class because I’m not worried about being in pain or giving a shit about what others think. I’m ready to buy a plane ticket to Italy for a month again. I’m just ready for what comes next. I have no idea what it is. I’m not really trying to figure it out in a typical for me way – I like this new person I’m being. I think I’m going to keep being her for a while.

Honestly, using my time wisely, stopping to enjoy and be in the moment and trying to make some extra cash flow are now my top three goals. I want to plan my Italy Trip. I still want to go and it is going to happen. This is my promise to myself. I want to have a savings. And I just want to enjoy myself full force. Instead of falling full force into the world of crazy that typically exists in my head, I want to revel in the world around me like I’ve started to. I’m going to try to keep it that way and that’s all I can ask.

Day 45: I wanna dance.

 

 

Day 44: Life is a balancing act

I’ve somehow been able to keep my good mood in check, yet the more I “live” the more I want to break free of everything I know life to be. I know I’ve written about working remotely, traveling the world, leaving California and even potentially going back to NY and with each 2 week period I tend to switch gears… but I’m still working on figuring this out. And I’ve definitely made progress. I feel like I’m getting closer to the answers of what comes next and what I’m supposed to do next and it’s a wonderful thing.

After having a few conversations with friends from very different places in my life, I’ve realized how similar we all are despite how different I’ve felt and been in each stage. I’ve realized how much we all have in common and how different we are as people, but how we’ve all landed in similar states mentally and emotionally despite being in very different worlds in every other way. It was that realization and that commonality that made me realize something about myself.

I’ve had to black out and block off different facets of myself in my heart and head to survive and to become the person I am now. Whether it was in self preservation or trying to let go of someone/something, you don’t realize how much people really do affect you and your world. From parents to partners to people in general, we absorb everything around us whether we realize it or not. We do things that aren’t inherently in our nature because of a reaction from the outside world. We change ourselves and go against our core beliefs because we’re told to do so, or we simply don’t know another way.

Since starting this challenge, I’ve become a different person and I’m more than happy about it. I’m learning to be thankful and grateful for it. I’m slowly picking up the things I feel like I lost and I’m changing into someone that I actually want to be. I’ve been smacked awake by a few things in my world and it really is wonderful. Trying to learn as I go and not feel stuck or stagnant in my day to day life, I’m just trying to enjoy the things I do. Take pleasure in the little things and realize there is no right or wrong way to do anything.

At this point, if it feels good I’m doing it. If it feels bad, but I want to do it, I’m doing that too. Example, I’m finishing this 6 week bootcamp despite it being more work than it was worth (in my opinion) and I could have lost more weight if I just stuck to cardio… I put myself through hell with the diet and exercise and didn’t see the results. But at the same time, I am going to finish it. I’m not reaching the goal but I didn’t really lose anything (other than money). I tried something new. It didn’t work. Moving on.

I feel like I’m making decisions more and more quickly whether I like something or not. I’m learning to let go quicker. I’m also learning to take things for what they are. I’m leveling out. I’m starting to regain balance in a life that has been very off kilter. I’m learning to open my heart again. I’m taking down the walls that have been built and rewriting my own history. I’m no longer allowing that which what once defined me to myself exist.

When I get angry, or annoyed or sad, I’m shaking it off quicker. When I’m happy or content, I’m learning how to hold on to that instead. Truly shifting my own perspective and expectations of what life really can be, I’m ever the dreamer. I want to be the dreamer. I want to live within a fantasy. Knowing I can create it if I work at it hard enough or I can create something completely different but either way it becomes a part of me.

I’ve always said to know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been. I still believe this, but now in a very different way. It wasn’t ever about letting your past define you, it was about not repeating the same mistakes. I know where I came from, but I don’t have to stay there and I assure you I plan not to.

Day 44: feeling at ease with the world around me.

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Day 41: Taking it all in

Still riding the wave of happiness, I’m trying to breathe and take it all in. After taking a much needed day off yesterday, I’m actually having fun and doing a little more of what I want in life. I’m starting to realize that what I’ve been missing has been something I’ve been missing for a lot longer than I thought. I like being the artsy girl. I like being the crafty one. I miss dance and theatre and being a part of a group of crazy, silly, characters and artists.

I’m going through and re-reading my previous posts again because as I’ve gone through each week I’ve wanted to see the progression and consistency of crazy I’ve been putting out. Biggest difference is, right now if I left here tomorrow I’d be sad. I don’t want to run with the thought of never coming back. I don’t particularly have the things I want, but I’m getting closer to them. I feel differently about them. I’ve brought out the dreamer again. I’ve become alive again. Things don’t seem as urgent or crazy as they once did.

I’ve realized that outside of me is always going to be an influx situation. It’s how I deal with it internally that makes the biggest difference. That the majority of people only get life from their own perspective and I’ve almost had enough of saying anything to anyone about it in general that I  know just won’t understand. Variations of this have been said and read for ages but when the inside is wrecked and wreaking havoc the outside world burns it to the ground. It’s hard to tune it out when you’re looking for an escape from yourself.

Right now my within isn’t raging or influencing my outside in the same way it once was. I’ve tuned out a lot of crap for my own self defense and I’ve been being myself in more ways than not with people again and it’s an amazing thing. I’ve realized that love is what’s been really missing in my life. I’ve had adventure. I’ve lived more than one life in my 28 years. I’ve been more than one person. Done more than I’ve ever thought I could. Time keeps going so I keep doing. Love, romance, attachment, attraction, over the top infatuation. Those are the things I’ve been missing.

I once had them as a teenager. I had them a little as an adult but all in bits and pieces. Never in the same person and never within myself. If that makes any sense. Now is different. The people I’ve been hanging out with are weird. They accept me for who I am. I accept them. They’re similar to the friends I had in high school but we’re adults. I’ve gotten attention, attraction, a little romance, and over the top infatuation with one person in the last two weeks. That’s huge for me. I still can’t get over it and I don’t want to. Relationships of any variety make a huge difference in your life and I’ve needed the personal attachment here since I got here. I let go of the shit but left a gaping void in its place. I’m finally starting to fill that void and it is an amazing thing.

Happiness and searching for it has been a trend in my writing for as long as I can remember. Boredom and annoyance used to reign, but in the last two weeks things have shifted. I am happy. I’m staying that way. I’m trying to keep the happiness train rolling but it’s so much easier since that one night of fun and freedom. That night has happened a few times over since but that’s only helping. I’ve stopped living like I used to mentally. I switched that station. In the last two weeks I’m not wondering what if. I’m focusing on right now. It’s made all the difference in the world.

6 weeks in and I’ve had three majorly different ideas coming in and out of my world. So two week cycle it is. But that cycle changes day by day. The last two weeks have been the biggest change in almost 2 years that I’ve made for the better. It’s about damn time.

Day 41: Almost halfway through my own challenge and I’m doing surprisingly better than I thought. I’ll take it.

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Day 39: Floating on Air

Still sitting at my desk about to jump out of my skin, I have to play classical music to calm down, but I don’t want to. My heart is on fire. It’s alive and it wants to play.

I want to hit the beach, learn to surf, soak up the sun. I want to paint and draw and photograph. I’m finally at a point where I want to be the creative person I know is there. This time, the creativity is flowing from a place of happiness. That’s never happened before. At least not in my adult life. And it’s a wonderful thing.

I still don’t know how to express myself without feeling way out of my comfort zone here… How happiness became something out of my comfort zone… well I do know, but my world is seriously shaken. I want to be free and venture out. I want to explore and have fun. I want to do other things I really haven’t had any motivation to do because I was so stuck in the cycle of shit.

Starting to breathe the free air again, I’m not even skeptical because I don’t care if this is all in my head or not. This is still so foreign to me and I’m so ecstatically happy for it to be here now, that I don’t even think about not trusting it. I don’t care if the person who woke me up never shows up again, they have no clue what they gave me. Maybe I give them too much credit, but fuck man. Little things matter. Twists of fate, the universe screwing with you… sometimes it’s there, but it’s in the best way this time. I’ve needed all of this for a long time. I finally got it. I’m opening my head, heart and my eyes to something new and it’s a wonderful thing.

Writing about this makes me want to dance around the room. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I was myself with someone and they didn’t tell me I wasn’t enough because I was too much. Typically people say you’re too >insert thing here< and they don’t mean it as a compliment. It sounds contradictory but it makes perfect sense to me. The difference – this person didn’t see any of the things I see in myself or that have been reinforced by almost everyone I know in life thus far because of experience. They saw the opposite. They said it, they acted on it. It is still blowing my mind and it’s a week later. It’s crazy how one thing can shift your spectrum in such a way. I really can’t get over it.

I don’t want to get over it. I want to live in it. This is an a-ha moment if there ever was one. I want to be the free and happy person. I want to feel alive. I want to be nice and not flailing. I want to have fun. I want to pursue my dreams and not care if I fail because I’m risking it to try. So many things I see on a daily basis have changed. Perception has changed. Things aren’t so urgent or dire. I’ll get there when I get there. I’m not so heavy on have to anymore. I finally embraced my inner kid who has been so hurt and upset and she’s finally comforted and full of life.

I’ve said for a long time to know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been, but I’m also someone who likes to get lost on purpose. Who knew I’d lose it in happiness this time around.

Day 39: two words; fuck yeah. 13873229_10153734897086752_8262670495394760920_n.jpg