There’s a fine line between the best and worst pieces of your life. There’s a fine line between love and hate in regards to yourself. There’s a fine line between failure and success. And that line only exists where your definition draws the line.
With time and patience and a little mix of crazy I keep moving forward. Knowing I’ve been in far worse places mentally, emotionally, and physically, this year has still probably been my hardest to deal with yet. I had to toe the line of staying in a place I’ve dreamt about living since the age of 10 and going back to NY to stay. The fact that I say back doesn’t fit, there is no going back. There is only forward. But geographically back probably would have killed me. And I’m not being dramatic.
I spent a very long time being stuck. The best thing I’ve learned this year wasn’t getting unstuck, it was knowing when to say enough. It was learning and practicing when to back off or move forward when I needed to, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I’m about there now with this current position. Knowing that everything is temporary and that things can always get worse I’m not going to jump until I know I have something else in the wings… but I haven’t had this job 90 days and I spend almost everyday doing something to keep my brain occupied and my heart at ease that has nothing to do with the job.
Here’s where the line gets drawn… This morning was a real struggle. I didn’t want to get out of bed. In fact I laid in bed an extra 15 minutes because I felt like it. I fought myself to brush my teeth. I fought myself to put pants on. I sat on my bed half dressed asking myself do I really have to do this. Eventually I got up and did it. I went to work. I landed an $8500 a month contract for the next six months, which is more than they pay me in a year and the struggle continued. Throughout my day in a complete haze I found a middle ground. I talked to a few friends of mine and that helped. And then I lightened up a bit and it was like the damn sun came out. Days like these used to wreck me. The days of shadow ever loomed overhead. They’d go on in a never ending cycle and I wouldn’t ever be aware of the next sunny day until it slapped me with a sunburn.
Whether its because I now live in the land of perpetual summer or the fact that I’m probably more consistently happy now than I’ve ever been in my life, my sunny days seem to negate the shadow’s reach. And this time I have sunscreen. I’m not choosing happiness anymore than I ever chose depression, but I’m choosing to breathe and let out what I need and express myself to myself. I’m allowing myself to feel the value and worth within based on me and a few people that have surprised the shit out of me in the last few weeks. I keep finding more and more people to add to the circle and I love it. I’m not only getting attention from myself in a way I never have, I’m getting attention from people in a way I never have. These aren’t the people nor are they the relationships I once knew. They’re not the ones where you’re always at arm’s length despite owning the title of best friend and then blamed when their life goes up in flames.
I am so fucking stupidly happy I am not in that place of my life anymore. I am so fucking stupidly happy that I am not that girl anymore. Not quite at the point of self love, still dealing with weeding out some masochistic tendencies… And the whole play on the word deserve seems to ring in my ears… but that’s a story for another day.
Today I crossed my line multiple times. But I’m okay. Tomorrow is another day. I won’t be doing this job for much longer. I’m going to continue to learn where the lines truly lie. And when they don’t fit anymore I’ll move them accordingly. You’re the one that draws the lines. You’re the one with the power and control to move them. Be kind to yourself and find which ones can help and which ones will hurt when crossed.
Failure is not the opposite of success. It takes failures to reach success. It takes loss to find gain. It takes pain to find happiness. It takes heartbreak to find love. The line is almost non-existent because life doesn’t exist only in black and white. Sometimes the grey area kills me. Sometimes it is where I thrive most. Find your balance. See where you end up.
Day 51: whether the line is drawn in sand or stone it will somehow, someway be crossed.