Today I want to talk about: Progress

Frustrated with my day to day world as per usual, but still trying different things to shake it up I addressed something that truly concerned me. My passion for things and my ability to bitch about all the things I don’t want rather than the things I actually do. This time I want to stop and talk about progress.

Slow and steady is the Progress Turtle. The one that eventually gets there, but has to take its time. The word progress bar in terms of technology now has a different feeling attached to it entirely (at least in my mind). Anywhoo…

I’ve come a very long way in the last few years. Honestly they all seem like a blur but for the first time in as long as I can remember my heart isn’t pushed, pulled at, beaten up on or palpitating at the thought, sight or dream of you. I know who you are, you’re my second love. You had your place and I think I’m finally over it. 7 years of an unbalanced relationship and this marks year 3 apart and here we are.

I’ve had another come into my world, very much like you, but better. Let’s call him #3.

#1 was the vision of lives past and he’s been let go quite some time ago.  He’s the one I like to refer to as belonging to each other in another life.

#2 was the crazy toxic, passionate, fly by the seat of your pants, no rules but an understanding, addicting, power struggle that still seemingly kept a balance.

#3 isn’t love, but more of an upgrade to #2. He’s shown me what I wish #2 had. He’s someone I never thought I’d need but for the 6 months he’s been around he’s shook my thoughts on love for the better.

Within the last 6 months I’ve changed probably 5 times overall. With the introduction of #3 I was reliving #2 but with a different person.

You go by the same first name, you’re the same zodiac sign, you both stayed up talking to me about anything and everything at all hours of the night, we’re unapologetically ourselves, there’s a level of play and sass that’s all in good fun, we drink the same things, you make me feel like I’m not insane and we’re equal in our level of crazy despite not always knowing or trusting it. Everything that I thought I had lost a long time ago in a person I had again.

I reverted in a way I didn’t understand. Then we hung out and I pushed limits. I let out the crazy, I kept being myself, I showed many sides but this time, I wasn’t afraid to tell you anything for fear of you blaming or walking away from me because you weren’t the one I was afraid to lose. You were better. You treated me better. You showed me worth,  value, and respect.

I changed again, I became that giddy school girl that I rarely knew existed. I was happy. I was level. I was stable. I was feeling alive for the first time since I came down from the high of moving 3,000 miles. I wavered uncertain of what this would be, I doubted its reality and I still don’t know where we stand; yet we live together. I’m in a better version of the life I saw flash before me in NY almost 5 years ago, but I’m no where near where I want to be.

I realized what I was doing, but I still couldn’t do anything to fuck it up…. I shifted. We got a little distance between us and then we ended up living together. Still not knowing where things are today marked a new dawn for me despite me not knowing it. I left my house happy, I enjoyed my environment, I enjoyed your presence, its easy, its fun, its worth the time. And despite not knowing what we are to each other because I’m the queen of the undefined relationship, I’m okay with it because I think we both needed it. We both needed to be shown the way.

So here I am, writing after coming through part of the fray of the last six months. Looking at life differently yet again, feeling differently about myself. Realizing that everyday is a very different experience and that’s okay. Giving myself permission to let go and just be. Allowing my set backs to be in the past or something I can realize and get over.  Realizing how far I’ve really come and I’m not actually afraid of where to go this time.

I’ve been talking to people more. I’ve been living more. I’ve been talking to completely different people more. I’ve made progress. I’ve lived many lives already and I have not yet begun to really live. Not on my own terms, at least, not yet. That is the next step.

I jumped the gun the last time I wanted to travel for 6 months. I still want to do that. I jumped the gun on creating a company and in the midst of the crazy that I was about to endure I got thrown off the path. But that’s the thing about the path… there’s more than one.

There is more than one path or purpose to life. Living in fear of what might be is the ultimate deathwish. It’s time I figure out who I want to be, what activities I need to nurture, what things I should be pursuing and know that not everyday is going to be eventful. But it is still combining days into a life and that in itself is power.

Progress is a fickle friend and I tend to doubt myself when I get backed into a corner.

Always willing to jump and run for it but always somewhat of a calculated risk taker.

I need to let me head and my heart align in their freedom when I can have it and pay attention to their dichotomies when they don’t.

It’s time that I live the life I dream up for myself and it’s time I shift and evolve again because I owe it to myself to do so.

It’s time to take another risk. It’s time.

**this was actually written a few weeks back, but I didn’t consider it finished yet. I added in a couple lines and now it’s time to share. 😉 

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Day 18: Never an Expert, Always a Student

I’ve noticed that anytime I go to reinvent the wheel that is my life… I always go back to “school.” I go to learning everything I can get my hands on in hopes of making an informed decision. I write and self talk until I can’t anymore and then I try to reach out to the couple of friends I know won’t judge me for the fact that I want to make some kind of “jump” again and need help finding direction.

Whether it be a job, a location, a vocation or relationship, I can’t typically keep my mouth shut. And the ones who know me well enough know that I’ll consider their opinions, but the tricky thing about advice is I’m the one who has to live with the consequences, so I’m going to decide whether or not I take it. Sorry for the run on, but I think it makes a point.

That being said… I reached out to a new friend today and I actually got a perspective I didn’t expect, but really fucking appreciate. Someone literally put the words I rambled out to the point of  getting so many thoughts out of my head that I couldn’t spew anything else out – into a spreadsheet. And as much as the spreadsheet put things into perspective, what came out of it was something I definitely needed to hear and yet I was the one who was saying it. So here goes it’s pretty off topic, but it proves a point….

Do you think we’re normal?
Do you think you’re mediocre?
Average?
Status quo?
I don’t mean that people think this about themselves, but I’m trying to make a point…
we’re not normal.
Nor are we typical.. we’re too much.
We’re too much in the “I will give you the world if you let me” kind of way. We’re above average in a world that constantly wants the status quo. We don’t fit… we can try and it happens from time to time. But it doesn’t last because until someone either accepts us or isn’t intimidated by it they can’t “take too much.”
You’re attractive… you can go out and get laid any time you want. I’ve done it too. Playing the game isn’t hard and people are super easy. We’re looking for normal, but normal to us isn’t the same. We aren’t most people. We give everyone everything we have because that’s the only way we know how to be. We save people. From themselves. From the world.
And we hope that the ones we get attached to see it and hand it back. But most people… most people don’t know how.
They don’t even understand what the fuck it is.
To love someone so hard… to really love someone at all you put yourself in a position to be ruined in ways you never thought capable. Love in its own existence is not normal.
We’re all so conditioned to want things and live up to those expectations, but look at yourself.. when have you ever really followed the rules?
But I don’t think you should stop expecting the world out of people who don’t know how to give it because someday someone will surprise you. I just think you need to realize that it’s okay – it doesn’t make it feel better, but it’s okay. And it isn’t your fault. And it isn’t their fault. But for whatever reason it was supposed to happen.
We don’t ever know the true reasons things happen, but there is no such thing as coincidence.
Take me for instance… I was never someone who had much faith. I grew up Catholic and guilt came more easily than anything else. To me religion and its origins are something to learn about but not to believe in. The energies of the world and the faith that things will work out if you’re being true to yourself make sense to me. I don’t doubt anyone else’s beliefs, but this is more my opinion for me personally.
It wasn’t until I moved here that I started doing all the froo froo things I once laughed at
but I’m open to things and willing to give things a chance. If they work for me, then I don’t care what anyone else thinks. This is my life and my world.
But the ability to see someone and to really let them in despite the fact that they can’t themselves is faith in yourself and your abilities to do what you think is right.
I’ve done almost everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life thus far. There are places I’d like to travel and I would like to get married and I would like to have my own company.
It’s not time for all of those yet and that’s okay, I have faith that they’ll happen. But I keep trying to get there.
I don’t believe things just work out. I believe they work out when you work for them, but not to the point of inner turmoil because then you’re tipping the axis. But you find value in the things you do and the person you are.
Despite me wishing I were someone else, it’s more because I know I’m not normal and sometimes I just wish I knew what it felt like to fit in, but I don’t. I’ve always danced to my own drum. And I’ve always given too much. I’ve always felt too much. I’ve always seen too much. I’ve always gotten too many people’s life stories because they can’t help themselves.
I don’t look at the world and see it working. I see that it needs help and to be changed and that we’re standing in the way of ourselves… But I have no idea how to fix it because I’ve been so conditioned to think I’m the one that needs to be fixed.
But that’s exactly why we’re here; to fix the problem, not ourselves. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else and as out there as some of this sounds I think its easy enough to get….
To those out there trying to do something outside of their norm… to those our there that aren’t normal or don’t fit in… to those who have always danced to their own drum… it is more than okay. Standing out and doing something that you’ve never done is hard no matter who you are. Doing something most people don’t do is even harder. So if and when you’re picking on yourself – stop it. If and when you’re doubting yourself – take a deep breath and realize you’re being semi irrational. If you tell yourself you can’t do it then you’re probably right.
I’ve reinvented the wheel more times than I can count. I’ve done so many in things in my life thus far and I have no idea what comes next, but I know next is coming. I can and have done extraordinary things, yet I look at myself and don’t see it most of the time. I am trying to do something that no one I know has ever done. I have already done a few things that no one in my close circle has ever done.
So when things aren’t working out and you’re feeling stuck, unwanted, blah, unloved or mediocre… find a way to believe in yourself. A way to believe that you can do it. That you have taken a risk before and it paid off. That you can take a risk now even though you’ve never done it. That despite what others think or make you feel, it isn’t your truth. Have faith in yourself and your ability to know you best. Sometimes you need a friend and that’s okay. Sometimes you flail and fail and fall on your face like I did the other day. Sometimes no one is there to catch you but sometimes you have someone there to help pick you back up. Take a minute and learn something about yourself today. Learn why you do some of the things you do. Learn your patterns and the mistakes you keep making. And know that despite being the one that knows you best, you’re not an expert on you, you’re always going to be a student, because there’s always something else to learn.
Day 18: healing from the past. Day 19: forging new beginnings.

 

I’m Back… Challenge Two: Creating a Company

Hey everyone, I’m back. Here goes another challenge I’m putting forth to myself. Before I was trying to break the habits and barriers of my status quo. I made some changes and I’ve done some things to become more of the person I want to be. I know this will always be a work in progress, but I want to focus my writing this time on really changing my situation and creating a company for myself and others.

I was recently going through some ridiculousness and really wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do. I was caught in this bored, but exhausted cycle and I had to realize as much as I want to push forward I still need to almost force myself to relax. In the last few months I’ve started my own company. I’ve been working on things in multiple ways and I’m trying to break free of my 9-5 grind. I’ve been making it a priority to read 1 book per month that will help me move forward and if nothing at the very least they keep my mind occupied in the boredom that is my day job. I’ve since asked to work remotely twice a week and it has been granted on a temporary basis – woohoo! I’m getting to know the person who shook my world for the better. And I’m learning how easy things can really be if you don’t stand in your own way.

At the beginning of this year, I was going crazy with my living situation, job, business, reeling from going to NY and flailing about making somewhat wrong decisions to escape the shit I’m in… Since then I’ve realized I try to escape a lot more than I thought and sometimes it works to my advantage, but sometimes it kicks me in the ass. We all have our tendencies and abilities to fuck ourselves up but this is one I’m going to start paying more attention to. That’s how I ended up here: challenge #2.

I took some time to figure out where I really want to go in all of this. I’ve realized that as much as I can’t stand the boredom that is my job and the clash that has become my business plus my day job in an emotional state as one, that day job needs to remain my stability. Stability is something I’ve attained for the first time in my life. I fell over it sometime during the first challenge I wrote and it is something I intend on keeping.

I’m going to challenge myself to another 90 days of being accountable for myself, my business, my wants, thoughts, goals etc. It may seem like a huge undertaking, but honestly I find that I actually pay more attention to myself and my wants when I have to write about them. I find that I am actually more apt to do what it is that I say or put the things I want to accomplish into practice if I share them with “the world.” I don’t mean, I want the status update of “shower, work, dinner with bestie, sleep, hmu” type of remark… but rather the overall pieces that go into a life, the philosophies and thoughts that go through my head as well as any advice I might seek, and progression on goals I wish I accomplish. If you’ve shared this journey with me so far, I thank you. If you’re just tuning in, great to have you here. As always everything I write is up for conversation.

That being said, this was day 1: restarting accountability to myself.

Onto day two: Ideas for a new world one business at a time. 

 

 

End of Challenge(1) Reflections

My first challenge (for myself) actually ended on Saturday, but yesterday was my birthday and I had some celebrating to do. As I hit 29, I realize how different my life is from anything I’ve ever thought it would be as well as anything I’ve once had, I have to reflect in general rather than just on the last 3 months.

I’ve been meaning to go through my photos for ages now and I finally started Sunday night. I fell over some photos that produced a ghost of lives past. To say that it struck a chord is an understatement. But the whole thought of it tweaked a nerve and it made me realize that it wasn’t exactly because of what I had in my life back then, but the expectations attached to that world that bothered me.

I feel like I’ve always had my feet in two worlds. The one that seems more traditional with the marriage, kids, house, car, dog and a random whatever job that pays for it all. And the flip side of breaking all conceived notions of that and achieving a dream job as an animator (childhood dream) or business owner (adulthood dream), marriage possibly, condo on the beach, multiple vacations to various places in the world, a lot less required responsibility and a lot more freedom to play… I find why I always seem to be so torn.

I don’t want to give up either side, but I have no idea how to have both. Well, truth be told I don’t know how to have either. Creating this new world has been my attempt in the last two years, even more so in the last few months, to create a life I actually want.

Initially I keep going back and forth between the two of these, but when I see the first life I see life where I was in NY, and partially here, but not typically here (CA). When I see the other life, there’s no question that it resides in California. And then I get to the thought where I have no idea how I really got to this point and have no idea what to do next and I just confuse myself. Knowing I make progress, and knowing things change, I might be able to calm myself and resist the reel of emotions for a day, but it’s always there.

All of my lives from the last decade seem like a total blur. The life I left was not one I wanted, but I did want it at some point. These photos went back far enough to be the spot that I always typically want to go back to when going back enters my mind. All of that is a fantasy, just as any potential worldwide jetsetting and having a business of my own is right in this moment (except I do actually own my own corporation and I’m working to get it off the ground, it just isn’t exactly anything yet). But I really have no idea where to go from here. Not that I ever really did, but this time is seemingly different. It feels different.

I feel like everything is so in between. I feel like I’ve lived multiple lifetimes in one and still have no idea what I want or what to do next. I feel like the person I see myself as back then looked happy and things were so much easier. But that isn’t entirely the case. I know going back I was a very different person and the life I was living was not meant to last forever. But honestly I don’t think what I have now is better, it just is. I know I’m better than I was. I’m different than I was. But we’re talking about almost 5 years of hurt, pain, and crazy that preempted the last 2 years of change and few months of grabbing onto happiness; because it wasn’t until around Thanksgiving that I really started to feel like I didn’t want to leave here.

About a month into this challenge was when I found some happiness. I kept it until Christmas and then all has been lost. I feel a lot more even and a lot less crazy, but I feel so much more numb to everything and so much more blah. I keep finding more and more cycles within myself. I keep finding that as I reclaim who I want myself to be, things shift. I hid from myself in high school. I just did what I needed and ran for it the first chance I got, I moved to VA. I landed in unknown territory and within a year changed my direction again. I went back to NY but to a completely different city. Finished 2 degrees in 3.5 years, but always had a life to go back to in my hometown. A life that was actually more fun than the one I had in college, but college felt more like me, being me.

After graduating I spent two years trying to make things work and couldn’t. I got into grad school, moved to MA, tried to change my status quo and left a life I liked, but couldn’t handle anymore. I forced my own hand for the better. And as good as it started was as bad as it became. Two worlds clashed again and there I was back in NY. Another 2 years spent trying to regain my footing and off to CA I went. To pursue the original dream and to take life by the balls once again to force myself out of the shit that I no longer wanted to be a part of.

Toying with the idea of going back again, I have no idea if this is a cycle broken and I’m just feeling the backlash or if I’ve just had a handful of weird days emotionally and I’m completely over reacting.

Feeling like I always have one foot in the past and one in the future, the present moment needs my attention; because I’m pretty much stunned. And like the book I was reading last week that I’ve since finished, the power of now is the point. However, I’ve yet to figure out how to be in this moment, when I don’t want to be in this moment. It isn’t that I want to be there, whatever the fuck that means. I just don’t want to be here. Sitting here at work doing nothing trying to pass time, and make the best of my situation. Here with roommates I can’t stand. Here with half a social life and a guilt shelf of spending money and trying to fake it, saying I’m just done caring about holding myself back from life and feeling fucking crazy because I can’t deal with the monotony, but I have no idea what I really want to do next.

I mean that isn’t really entirely true. What I really want to do is play. I want to have fun. Whether alone or with someone. I want to play on the beach. I want to dance everyday. I want to take photos and meditate. I want to create a space I love to be in. I want to feel the freedom I felt last week when everything clicked, but nothing changed. I want to keep building on the progress and I want to keep feeling better not blah-er. I know it’s time to leave this job but I have to hold on until I get another one. I want to plan a real vacation and let loose. I want to not be so fucking stressed out about money.

So bogged down by “have to” and not by “want to” that I achieved one dream only to end up in a worse cycle somewhere else. My life is clearly a work in progress as it always will be, but shit man. I’m asking for the same shit I was last year and that is for something to give. I need a job I like and I need to make enough to thrive. I want to go have fun and eat at restaurants, and sit at the beach. I don’t want to worry that I paid $10 for parking and I know I don’t have it. I keep taking steps to progress and I never feel like I quite make it there. Having been trying to progress for what seems like eternity, I am going to just say fuck it and try to enjoy it.

If this challenge and the last few weeks taught me anything, it’s that what you think in your mind and what you actually have as different as they can be, are very closely related. What you can achieve and sometimes the bright light happens when you least expect it and it is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes I feel like I have to surrender to what may come but that is so not in my nature, it’s almost a lost art.

After everything I’ve dealt with in the last couple years, last couple months and last few days, I’m ready to just relax, breathe and succumb to what happens next. I’m so sick of worrying about anything and everything, I need to find a way to not have to.

Still trying to figure out the next steps to this, waiting isn’t the same game anymore. I already took some action and now its time to see what comes from it.

Until next time.

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Day 87: things are falling into place

This week is shaping up to be a pretty good week. I think as I draw nearer to the end of this self proclaimed challenge, I’m going to embark on another one. I think I’m going to do a smaller challenge this time, because as much as I feel like I need time to progress, I need to set some short term goals to change my status quo into something that makes me my best me and makes me feel like I’m making at least some progress consistently.

I’ve dealt with depression most of my life. I’ve dealt with anxiety over the last few years. Things fluctuate constantly and the level of insanity is all over the place, or at least I feel it is. Consistently inconsistent is a phrase I’ve used far too many times. I’ve been struggling to find what it is that I really want in life and even going further to say what I really want in my personal life vs my professional life. I’m not moving as fast as I’d like but I’m getting there. Things change as I go along, but I keep trying new things and am getting closer from where I’m standing, or so it feels.

Some days I wish I was 20 again because the hurt and the pain of the last handful of years hadn’t happened and wasn’t weighing on me as it does now. But in the same breath I’m glad to be further along in the scheme of things. That being said, the person I had become was not the person that I wanted to be. It never was someone I wanted to be or even thought I would be. The issue was, I was in uncharted territory and I hadn’t achieved anything I had ever wanted to in life up to that point. I’m still slightly on the fence about achieving anything I’ve wanted in life, but I can feel the progress now and my approach to it all is slightly toned down. Actually that’s a lie, it’s completely turned up, but in a very different way.

I’ve been able to find happiness and contentment. I’ve been able to create a person I actually like myself being. I’ve been able to reclaim myself for myself in hopes of taking this person with me to move forward. I’ve realized I’ve never had role models in my life but I have to use “myself in 10 years” as a role model or something along those lines. Who I want to become in the future is the basis on who I want to start putting together now. The perspective that has come into my world and continues to do so on a daily basis is astounding. But I am looking for it.

I’m actively searching and trying new things. I’m listening to my own feelings and trying to figure out where my own boundaries lie. I feel like I’m trying to undo everything my life and childhood has instilled into me up until now. I feel like I’m trying to be something that doesn’t exist because the life I thought I’d have at this point couldn’t be further from existence. Not that any of that is a bad thing, but it is my reality.

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t hold onto the fantasies. I’ve been told to get my head out of the clouds. I’ve been told I’m too much. I’ve been told that the things I want aren’t attainable. I’ve been told a lot of shit. I’ve been told to follow my dreams. I’ve been supported in following my dreams, but not until recently. I’ve been given a lot of advice. And I’ve turned a lot of it down.

We’re preached to by so many people on any given day. We’re shown the way of someone else more often than not. But what I’ve come to realize is that, no one really has the answers to this. No one really has any clue what they’re doing whether they’re an adult or not. Everyone has their own faltering insecurities and successes and everyone has their own truth.

I have been and done a lot of things in my life. I’ve done everything I’ve ever wanted to do in life and then some up until this point with a couple of exceptions because the time for those has not yet come to pass. I know I make things harder for myself. And I know that I could have done things a million different ways, but I didn’t. And the point is, I wouldn’t have.

I told a friend of mine the other day that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be, because if you weren’t here you’d be somewhere else. That might be confusing, but think about it. If you weren’t supposed to be here… You wouldn’t be. As much as we have options and the abilities to change and grow and adapt and progress and falter and fail and anything else you can think of…. to a point we are exactly where we’re supposed to be. Life has to teach us something in this moment and we have to pay attention.

I was never meant to be a grow up, get a job, stay there for 20 years, get married, pop out some kids, run of the mill person. While those things are all good things to want, have or excel towards, they are not my world. I’d love to get married and have a family some day, but that is not “my life.”  I would love to have a job I could do long term, but I hate working for people and the only way that will happen is if I create the company myself. Which I am actually in the process of doing.

I still have dreams and goals and “regular things” I want, but normal is something I’ve never known and I finally had to accept that about myself. I’m not most people. I don’t talk like them. I don’t act like them. I don’t care to be like everyone else. People have never been able to define me. I have to start realizing my own advice and seeing that I am those things for a reason. Accepting myself for who I am and for what I am, is a huge piece of the puzzle for me. It isn’t something I’ve ever done. It isn’t something I’ve ever really put much stock into before. That is about to change, it has been changing.

When we define ourselves we lock ourselves into our own version of what we think we are… we don’t have to do that, but we have to know ourselves enough to realize where our hurt, pain, love, hope, joy etc comes from if we aren’t the type of people that can just walk through life and have things work out “normally.”

I feel like we’re in the middle of a worldly shift and those becoming adults and claiming their identity for the world to see are on the verge of transcendence. We no longer have typical gender roles or rules to follow. We broke the rules and almost anything goes, while not everything may be accepted there is definitely a new normal. It’s time to create something new, but we have to start within ourselves.

This is how I’m starting. Change is coming. It’s always upon us. I’m trying to use it for good for once. I’m trying not to hold and squeeze onto my thoughts, feelings and desires so tight that I squeeze the life from myself again. I no longer want to fight. I just want to be me and that is enough. We spend so much time fighting for what we think we want that we lose what we might actually need. I’m trying to fix that for myself, because it’s long overdue. But it’s time.

Day 87: feeling good about life, thinking about the new moon, gearing up for my birthday next week. Trying to take it all in.

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Day 85: seeking a new heading – balance

I have five more days to go and despite not having a total and complete breakthrough of life that forever changed the way I see myself and the world around me — I did. Had to build up the drama there because we as people tend to thrive on it. And it’s funny.

Looking back to the beginning of this challenge I realized that I have come a long way. Despite not feeling that way all the time, still falling into old habits and trying to continuously break the habit of being myself, I won.

The goal of this challenge was to help me figure out what comes next. It was a way for me to try to figure out the way to break my own status quo because life as I knew it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. While I still haven’t gotten to where I want to be, I am definitely closer. I’ve also experienced a world that is very different in feeling and emotion in the last two months and it really is a wonderful thing. My world has and hasn’t changed completely, but the way I feel about it has definitely shifted.

I have my days of crazy and I have my days of depression… But they are fewer and far between. I’ve been learning and taking in knowledge from different places, places I’ve never really expected to consult. I’ve been trying to nurture my soul and my body with things that are different because to get different results you have to do something differently. And I’ve been making progress mentally and physically. I’m doing it. Woohoo!

I’m learning to be kinder to myself and not to be my own worst enemy. I’m a work in progress and I am not nor will I ever be perfect and that is actually a wonderful thing.

We need to learn to take the pressure off ourselves to be this perfect person we’ve made up in our minds. We need to break the chains of mental instability and pain that we use and hold over ourselves because they aren’t helping. We need to realize how much the person we’ve built ourselves up to being in our minds that we’re so attached to being is hurting us rather than helping us. And we need to acknowledge that who we are right now, probably isn’t so bad of a person to begin with. We are not the masks we wear nor are we the people we pretend to be. Find your true self, let yourself be that person.

With this challenge I’ve made progress in ways I didn’t know existed. I tried things I’ve never done before. I’ve experienced things I never had before. Some things are very simple and some things are a little frufru but they were worth a try. I’ve realized that I am not my pain or my past. I’ve learned that I don’t have to identify with any of if and even if I’m afraid that people might not accept it, it isn’t up to them to do so – I have to be the one to do so.

When you let your happiness lie in the hands of others you give them way too much power. When you realize that the happiness you seek isn’t really happiness but balance between feeling like shit or feeling so alive things start to make sense. There are far too many dichotomies out there; when you think happiness, sadness follows. When you seek your truth and try to attain balance things aren’t as heavy.

That may be an argument in semantics, but the way we use words and the way we define ourselves and the things we want, feel, need, etc. makes a difference. Maybe I’ve been reading too many philosophical books. Maybe I’m spending too much time with my head in the clouds. But I’ve always been a dreamer. I’ve always been a bit dorky. And I’ve always been one of those intense philosophical, intellectuals that likes to play with words and life. And right now, all of those things are working for me and with me rather than against me, so I think I’m finally doing something right. And because of that today, life is good.

Day 85: Surprising myself with my ability to balance, looking back on posts I’m repeating myself but sometimes you need to reinforce the things you learn.

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Day 82: always torn

Confliction. Something I feel never goes away, but lies dormant for a few days, allowing me to forget as I try to arrange everything in my world…but not for long. Back to wanting to run screaming, but I’m not yet ready to give up the life I have. I’m not yet ready to give up one path for another. – You can’t have both. Eventually a choice has to be made.

Not to say that I can’t come back, but how many times do I want to force myself to start over?

I’m fighting myself on the ability to be at peace and live life with less overall crap. Why is it such a foreign concept? Why is peace and calming a foreign concept? Why is allowing myself to stay happy a foreign concept?

Why is it that I fall in love with the idea of traveling the world and being a part of something so much different; something I’ve been a part of in the past as I visited three continents and almost a dozen countries… Yet I’m afraid to let what I have go because it’s what I know. But I didn’t always know this either. So wtf?!

I’m afraid to let my “stuff” go. I’m afraid to let the potential of what I think life should or could be here, go. One minute I never want to leave California again and the next I want to be on a beach in Bali or be wandering around Southern Italy, never to think about the US again. I want to travel and be free. I want to live in the moment and enjoy the pleasures of what life is. I do those things as I travel, yet I can’t seem to inject them into my daily life. Am I simply in love with the fantasy of it all? Is it the idea of love or the idea of freedom that is what I really want rather than the actual thing?

How do I figure that out?

I started this challenge thinking I wanted to travel for 6 months to a year. I’m ending this challenge in a very similar, yet very different position. I want to travel, but not yet. I want to be free, I want to be at peace, but I “have to work for it.” Uh.. no that isn’t how any of this works. You don’t have to work for peace. You don’t have to work to be calm. You don’t have to work to be happy. You have to just fucking let yourself be all of those things.  Excuse the anger / sigh of craziness.

So the point of today isn’t do I travel the world, it’s why do I think that all of these things exist after I do something else first?! Because that isn’t possible. They only exist right now. You can’t be happy 6 years from now. You can be happy today.

Why is the thought of I’ll get there eventually, or I have to build something to be worthy of anything such a defining concept in my world? Why do we put ourselves through this shit?! What do we actually succeed in doing when we work, think, behave, and attempt to survive life like this?!

Ironically I just figured out why I do this. I’m constantly at war with my egoic mind. And this now makes a ton of sense. Hey look over here — you’re being irrational!  Caught myself.

I’ve been talking about all of this stuff for a few months. I’ve been working on progressing in general. I’m making it. I’m catching the crap. I’m changing the channel. I’m learning to incorporate all of this into my daily life. And I am succeeding.

No one has to wait to be successful at their own happiness. We have to try a million things to get the things we want, but that doesn’t mean failure is a daily occurrence. And that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy or be happy when you let yourself. I was so ridiculously happy before I left. I was so in the moment and so over the moon about my world. I’ve had the chance to think about it and that is always my downfall. I’m existing in the wrong space. I’m too attached to my ego to let my truth reign. Stop. Take a breath. Be thankful that life is good today. The world is out there. It will be out there if you decide to play in it or not. I can’t say this enough, let yourself be.

I think I need to hit the beach tomorrow and refocus my energy. I think it’s time to just breathe and feel the sand beneath you and the spray of the ocean air on your face. It’s time for your happy place. It’s time to connect back into your inner self not the egoic self.

I think the next step is writing out all my fantasies and figuring out why I really want them. Maybe then I can change my patterns. Maybe then I can just be.

Day 82: We’re creatures of habit, but I’m breaking my habits to really find myself. I didn’t expect to end up here at this point (or ever), but I’m glad that I did.

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Credit: Naomi89, Deviant Art