Still sitting at my desk about to jump out of my skin, I have to play classical music to calm down, but I don’t want to. My heart is on fire. It’s alive and it wants to play.
I want to hit the beach, learn to surf, soak up the sun. I want to paint and draw and photograph. I’m finally at a point where I want to be the creative person I know is there. This time, the creativity is flowing from a place of happiness. That’s never happened before. At least not in my adult life. And it’s a wonderful thing.
I still don’t know how to express myself without feeling way out of my comfort zone here… How happiness became something out of my comfort zone… well I do know, but my world is seriously shaken. I want to be free and venture out. I want to explore and have fun. I want to do other things I really haven’t had any motivation to do because I was so stuck in the cycle of shit.
Starting to breathe the free air again, I’m not even skeptical because I don’t care if this is all in my head or not. This is still so foreign to me and I’m so ecstatically happy for it to be here now, that I don’t even think about not trusting it. I don’t care if the person who woke me up never shows up again, they have no clue what they gave me. Maybe I give them too much credit, but fuck man. Little things matter. Twists of fate, the universe screwing with you… sometimes it’s there, but it’s in the best way this time. I’ve needed all of this for a long time. I finally got it. I’m opening my head, heart and my eyes to something new and it’s a wonderful thing.
Writing about this makes me want to dance around the room. I’ve finally gotten to the point where I was myself with someone and they didn’t tell me I wasn’t enough because I was too much. Typically people say you’re too >insert thing here< and they don’t mean it as a compliment. It sounds contradictory but it makes perfect sense to me. The difference – this person didn’t see any of the things I see in myself or that have been reinforced by almost everyone I know in life thus far because of experience. They saw the opposite. They said it, they acted on it. It is still blowing my mind and it’s a week later. It’s crazy how one thing can shift your spectrum in such a way. I really can’t get over it.
I don’t want to get over it. I want to live in it. This is an a-ha moment if there ever was one. I want to be the free and happy person. I want to feel alive. I want to be nice and not flailing. I want to have fun. I want to pursue my dreams and not care if I fail because I’m risking it to try. So many things I see on a daily basis have changed. Perception has changed. Things aren’t so urgent or dire. I’ll get there when I get there. I’m not so heavy on have to anymore. I finally embraced my inner kid who has been so hurt and upset and she’s finally comforted and full of life.
I’ve said for a long time to know where you’re going you have to know where you’ve been, but I’m also someone who likes to get lost on purpose. Who knew I’d lose it in happiness this time around.
Day 39: two words; fuck yeah.