In the last year I’ve been really re-thinking what it means to live. The expectations I once had of a house, a savings, a specific place to call home, a significant other, a potential family… the list goes on… Isn’t what I find myself wanting, at least not in the same way I once did.
My versions of home, and a potential family have changed to say the least. I’ve grown up a lot and I’ve grown a lot. What I want or thought I would have by this point in my life is not even close to what I have. What I want is not even close to what I have either. I do want a house and a place to call home, but even the idea of being “stuck” anywhere drives me insane. The thought of building a life I have to vacate to enjoy is not something I want and I never really looked at it that way until this last leap of faith.
Even the version of love I once had in my head…. not even close. You never love anyone the same way as someone else. You can’t. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t even have the same relationship with yourself now as you did years ago. Things are meant to change. They’re meant to progress however you’re willing to take that, take it as you see fit. What I want from my house now isn’t what I ever wanted from a house previously. I want a place to call my own. I want financial stability and the ability to do what I want when. I used to attach finances to freedom. While they play a large role, they are not the only variable. Why do we become so attached to things and yet not realize that it’s the way we feel in regards to those things that make us attached?
When you make an impulse buy, happiness, thrill. When you fall in love, butterflies, thrills. When you do something you’re afraid of, anxiety, thrill. We’re constantly acting to do things that make us feel alive. That make us feel in a specific way whether we realize it or not. I’ve spent the majority of my life suppressing emotion and not knowing what it means to feel. I’ve done it to the point where people now think I’m too emotional because it’s 20 years of repression bursting out at once. In my reality, it’s me trying to find a life I actually want to live. One that I don’t have to pay off $80,000 in loans from degrees that really wont ever pay off. Or $6,000 in credit card debt because you had to eat and pay bills for 6 months without a job.
The thing about any decision or any emotion, you can and have the right to change your mind. You have the ability to become attached or not. Why don’t we look at it that way?
I was talking to a friend earlier today about the differences between strength and weakness. Emotion is often seen as feminine and weak… but being able to express yourself, cry, let the hurt go, love, etc, is the opposite of weakness. It is strength. Showing empathy is strength. Saying no, quitting a job that is sucking out your soul, seeking help for depression, anxiety or anything else that you need that you can’t solve yourself, is strength. Knowing yourself well enough to realize you need help and can’t get out of this by yourself is not in any way shape or form a weakness. Being pushed too far and not being happy anymore and thus deciding to change, is not a weakness. So why do we treat them as such?
Typically we treat things or people that are different than we are as something they’re not because we don’t understand. But emotions are something we all feel. Emotions are something we all base our lives and decisions on. So why do we set such rigid standards? Emotions aren’t logic. They do not have to make sense. In fact it is in their nature not to. They’re matters of the heart. They’re gut reactions. They’re intuition. Whatever you want to call it.
When you define yourself, and set expectations for yourself and you don’t end up where you want to be or who you want to be, you could call it failure. Or you could re-assess and re-define what those things actually mean to you. What is love to me? What is home? What does family mean? Friendship? Self worth? Happiness? Success? How do you know if you’ve achieved those things if you don’t first know what they feel like or know what you’d like them to feel like?
I thought that California was going to be a new chapter for me. I lost a lot of bad that had come into my life and I’m more than grateful for it. The downside, I haven’t replaced it with anything. I lost the bad, but I didn’t just gain the good because the bad was no longer there. I have emptiness in my life, to the point of clinging to a version of the past I wasn’t okay with but wasn’t at war with either. That’s not okay with me. My status quo is in question because I the things I wanted in the insanity are still things I want whether defined the same or not. And I still don’t have any of them.
I’m starting to realize that the way of life I thought existed no longer does. That the way I thought I would experience doesn’t stand a chance. And those aren’t bad things. They just – are. I need to create the good. I need to create the fun. I need to create the love and the money and anything else I might want. How is always the question. Why is always a question that can be answered with because I want to. And the ones that don’t understand can be thwarted with the fact that they don’t have to.
If your life doesn’t make sense the way it is, if it doesn’t make you happy, if you don’t have what you want, reassess; redefine. What does being alive mean to you? What does feeling alive mean to you? If today was your last day to live, what would you want to do? How would you spent your time?
Day 25: time is like money, but it can only be spent and not earned. Are you spending it wisely?