Another good day. I checked all my boxes. Still in a decently good mood. Did have a little trouble getting out of bed this morning, but eh. I also made the mistake of watching the news. I find that the news has become a daily trainwreck and its especially gruesome and you can’t look away. I’ve been taking a news break and I must say that the minute I watch the news I want to leave this country by running screaming onto the first piece of transportation out… But as I was walking around my neighborhood this afternoon, all I could think was I love it here. This is a perfect day.
Things are already happening…I found a new place and am going to check it out tomorrow. It’s a place I’ve already looked at but its now $100 less and I’m going with my potential new roommate. Woo! I found out that I have up to two years to take the real estate exam so that makes me feel better when it comes to learning this crap – I’m taking my 21 days – well 16 now. I’m going to apply for a few jobs again because I have the best luck in the spring with job searching. I also think that if I keep in mind that the job is a means to an end and not the way of life forever I’ll be better than I ever have been. It also buys me time to study and get some sales going before I do anything else. Real Estate isn’t the goal, but it still makes the most sense. When I take a step back and stop my emotional roller coaster of anxiety and depression, I can really see how this works and the reasons I was doing it in the first place make so much more sense.
I am down to $3000 in credit card debt that I have the money for, but am paying the rest of this down strategically. Woo! I have more money in the bank than I ever have. If I take that apartment I’m about to pay the cheapest amount I’ve paid in LA in the last 5 years for rent and utilities. As much as this year has been crazy and full of insanity…. I’ve needed the last year. I really didn’t know how much I needed it. I’m getting out of my own way. I’m changing myself as a person and I actually have the room to do it. I’m taking better care of myself and actually eating 3 meals a day. I’m walking around 3 miles or more a day and stretching like I used to for dance. I’m consistently happier than I’ve ever been because I have the space to actually breathe and I have control over my time. I’m not trying to be busy anymore. Being busy is just a distraction that makes you think you’re being productive and that isn’t always the case.
This is now going to turn into 5 things that have changed since losing my job this last time… here we go.
1 – I’m trying to lose weight and get into shape again but my focus is on consistency. I’ve already lost 15lbs and I’m working towards more. I always used to be more active and I danced 6 days a week and I still wasn’t skinny. I’m not built that way, but I can and have certainly been happy in my body. That is my goal.
2 – I’ve realized how much pressure I put on myself to do certain things and keep myself in a spiral of guilt and shame. I am not listening to peoples’ criticisms or comments without merit or judgements and taking any stock in them. I’m allowing myself to figure out who I am now, who I want to be moving forward and what that not only looks like but feels like. And anyone who gets in the way or doesn’t understand need not stick around. I spent a lot of time getting rid of the people that hurt me over the years and kept doing so, no one’s raining on my parade moving forward. That’s not to say it won’t happen again but not in the same way. So for the first time in what feels like forever I’m taking the pressure off myself to be in the rat race, or on the hamster wheel… I’m taking the pressure of busy-ness and success in terms of over achievement. For the first time in my life this over achiever I taking a fucking break. The goal is fun not flail. The goal is to feel good and have the faith that you’re competent and capable and will get the things you need because the things you were doing before weren’t working anyway… time to try something new.
3 – I’ve paid off a lot of debt. Because I never had a lapse in losing my job and collecting unemployment I’ve actually been able to play catch up for the years that I spent moving back and forth and being unemployed prior… and you know trying to live before that. Consistency all around has allowed me to break even when it comes to paying for everything but my student loans. I still owe far too much there. But so much progress has been made for myself not only financially but with my parents too because I borrowed $5k to pay off the rest of the debt, with promise to pay them back and this is the first time I legit asked for what I wanted and needed and was given it without hesitation. Trust has not entered back into the equation with my parents and that’s a wonderful thing.
4 – I realize how much I need a hobby, to learn, to play and to actually have fun. Fun that doesn’t involve a laptop or a television…. Music has been a huge game changer for me throughout my life and I love to sing and dance. I’ve played a few instruments over the years but I’m hoping to learn guitar (again) and actually have some outlets that move me emotionally. I’ve also been creating more art than I have in years. For people, selling it, for fun, for gifts, etc. I made David Bowie wine glasses. I made Harry Potter Crest wine glasses. I painted the crests onto canvasses and was paid for it. I am drawing and painting again and am surprising myself how much better my skills are right now than I remember them being lol. I still have a ways to go for myself, but it’s a good feeling.
5 – Despite all my issues and all the crap that I’ve been through, none of those things define me if I say that they don’t. For the first time in my life I feel like I’m no longer being defined by my past – at the very least to myself. With that came the opportunity to explore and shift to be who I actually feel like I am and to realize how much weight I was putting on the events that I felt shaped x amount of years in my life. Time is a funny thing… that’s really all we have and as much as life isn’t linear, time is. I was choosing to define who I was as a person, how I felt about myself and where I thought I needed to prove myself to not only me but everyone else because of learned and conditioned responses. That wasn’t who I felt I was, and the wasn’t who I wanted to be. I know that because every time I had my own feelings they clashed with what was in my head – my reactions. The judgement I held for myself was very much the wrong thing to do. But now I actually feel that way.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out the answers to the questions I have in my life and I’ve spent a lot of time trying to achieve things. Like I said at the beginning of this – right now I want to be in the present and just enjoy, but this was years in the making to get to this point. I’m so fucking grateful that I have, but I still have some walking on that journey to do. The difference? I’m going to enjoy the walk this time and not just force myself to get to the destination. I’m going to try new things and enjoy the faltering and the success before I jump into the next thing head first because I deserve to enjoy my life. And so do you. I’m going to end this on a cheesy note and say – take the advice today is literally giving you and March 4th.
Talking Over the World (formerly Diary of a Tactical Maverick) 